Do you respect "stay at home" Dad's?

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I guess I will be hated after this but, it’s not that I don’t “respect” SAHDs, I just think it is not the place for them. Mom, no matter what the money situation, should be home. That is my opinion. That’s all it is. I hope that things work out for you. Please do not take my answer to heart. I just wanted to put my 2 cents in like everyone else.

**I am not going to attack you, i just am interested in clarification. If you don’t think it is a man’s place, how can you respect them? And what about the woman then? Do you have a hard time respecting a woman who goes out to work while her husband stays home?

I believe that, in most cases, a mom should stay home and a dad should go to work. But, obviously from this thread alone, there are many instances where the opposite works well and is good for the family.**

 

[SacredHeartFan]

I will be a stay at home Dad for my daughter to be born in July.

I know that many on CAF can be very traditional in regards to defining traditional sex roles in the family.

My wife make much more money than I do. She is a scientist and I am a therapist. For this reason and due to the high cost of child care I will be at home- at least while my daughter is still an infant.

What do you guys think of this? Do you respect the stay at home Dads or do you think that this strange?

Thanks!

Well personally I love kids!!

It’s impressive that you want to stay home with your infant daughter because most dads don’t have the patientice.
Go for it!!!

 

[pnewton]

Let us not be so naive as to think that money does not matter, it is just not all that matters. I understand that practical concerns must come to bear in these decisions. Personally, I am a fan of day care, at least some time and in my situation. We will be facing the expense of a Catholic education in a year or two and that is not cheap.

 

[cheeto1]

Hello, I am a sahm. I want to let you know that it can be very
hard to feel respected in this position. It is surprising how nice
a paycheck is to make you feel respected. Despite the many
stay at home moms and dads that seem to be here on the forum,
in the “real world” most people seem to be working and can’t
understand why you’re not. This is coming from a woman, I’m
sure it’s much worse for a man. Why, men get called “mr. mom”!
I don’t think that’s very respectful. You asked about respect, and
I don’t think you’ll get much from most people. Speaking of
respect, I was surprised how much my respect level jumped up
for my DH when I stopped working. Most people I ever saw had
to send their dear babies to daycare, but not me. What he’s
done for me to allow me this experience is something I could
never repay. Does your wife really want to be the breadwinner?
I hope you wouldn’t be pressuring her to do it for the money.

And now back to respect. The respect from your wife would be
good. I don’t know how she feels, but she might be very
grateful that you would give up the world of respect in order to
let her live in it. Anyway, I personally do respect stay at home
dads very much, and I am offended when I hear the term “mr. mom”. So the answer is Yes, I respect stay at home dads.

 

[SacredHeartFan]

Hello, I am a sahm. I want to let you know that it can be very
hard to feel respected in this position. It is surprising how nice
a paycheck is to make you feel respected. Despite the many
stay at home moms and dads that seem to be here on the forum,
in the “real world” most people seem to be working and can’t
understand why you’re not. This is coming from a woman, I’m
sure it’s much worse for a man. Why, men get called “mr. mom”!
I don’t think that’s very respectful. You asked about respect, and
I don’t think you’ll get much from most people. Speaking of
respect, I was surprised how much my respect level jumped up
for my DH when I stopped working. Most people I ever saw had
to send their dear babies to daycare, but not me. What he’s
done for me to allow me this experience is something I could
never repay. Does your wife really want to be the breadwinner?
I hope you wouldn’t be pressuring her to do it for the money.

And now back to respect. The respect from your wife would be
good. I don’t know how she feels, but she might be very
grateful that you would give up the world of respect in order to
let her live in it. Anyway, I personally do respect stay at home
dads very much, and I am offended when I hear the term “mr. mom”. So the answer is Yes, I respect stay at home dads.

I LOVE YOUR SCREEN NAME!!!
Thats all we eat at all our youth “meetings”. (More like hanging out and praying and just talking about whats going on in the world and in the church.) kinda like a small faith group I guess.

 

[Salonika]

yellowbird:

I think it’s wonderful and very practical of you guys to decide that you’ll be the one at home. I don’t think there is any “right” and “wrong” way as far as that goes… children need parents who love and care for them - how that works out is up to each family.

Agree. I respect parents who make decisions based on what is best for all involved – whether this involves people taking on traditional roles, less traditional ones or even radical ones.

samcarter14:

also get very irritated when people say things like “Moms are better at nurturing” or “Men just can’t give the same kind of nurturing,” because that is a load of bull, frankly. There are women who are less nurturing than others, there are men who are very nurturing and are great parents. It depends on the individual, not the gender.

Agree. Some people are more nurturing than others. Think life experiences can influence this. For example some people may not be very nurturing because of lack of experience (my nappy was the first my mother ever changed) but with experience some people will become more nurturing but others won’t.

Also I think that some people are better nurturers with older children than with babies.

ThyKingdomCome:

Every family has to figure out what works for them. As long as the motivation is the best interest of the child, I’m good with it.

Agree with this too. In some situations another relative eg grandparent, aunt or uncle may be the most appropriate carer (as long as they are doing it because they are the most approriate and really want to do so.) In my view anyone who looks after babies as well as they can deserves our respect. This includes, but is not limited to sahds and sahms.

cheeto1:

Anyway, I personally do respect stay at home dads very much, and I am offended when I hear the term “mr. mom”.

So I am and am not at all convinced when people say it’s meant to be complimentary.

 

[Trishie]

It’s a courageous decision and if it’s jointly made then why should anyone respect you less!

I would wonder if you intend to keep your skill in some practice from the home so that you are able easily to later return to the workforce if you wish?

Nurture isn’t necessarily the province only of women, so in any marriage, practicality and inclination can be sometimes served well by a reversal of traditional roles.

God bless you, your wife and family

 

[Feanor]

Thanks everyone,

I have said that I will be taking my clinical exam as a therapist. I have a master’s degree in Social Work. I love what I do- helping people.

I will continue to receive training as is required to maintain a license and I hope to see some clients when I can fit this in. I am not a slouch- I have worked hard to get where I am and my wife is very happy to have me help in this way.

I really don’t have a problem with her making more of the income and she has no problems in this role. We both respect each other and think highly of each other as intelligent and diligent people.

I have no compunction about my worth as a SAHD. I wanted to guage others’ attitudes and I am pleased to find nearly universal support.

I appreciate it!

 

[Litcrit]

I will be a stay at home Dad for my daughter to be born in July.

I know that many on CAF can be very traditional in regards to defining traditional sex roles in the family.

My wife make much more money than I do. She is a scientist and I am a therapist. For this reason and due to the high cost of child care I will be at home- at least while my daughter is still an infant.

What do you guys think of this? Do you respect the stay at home Dads or do you think that this strange?

Thanks!

My husband is a SAHD and I respect him very much and wouldn’t have it any other way!

I see radical feminist ideology is alive and well in our society.

Mothers are emotionally and hormonally (that is biologically, can’t argue it) designed to bond with their infants. Their bodies are the ones that produce milk, and produce oxytocin, the bonding hormone, when they breastfeed, or even just hold their babies skin to skin. Mothers are the primary nurturers, and are usually better in that role, than fathers.

…] the nurturing role without the biological tools that make it so much easier for mothers. …] the overall truth of the biological paradigm. Some people’s selfishness is pathological. .

Those post-partum hormones will make some mothers depressed or irritable and thus by sheer biology make bonding, nurturing, and mothering more difficult.

“Biology determines everything” is not part of the Church’s doctrine.

Well, whether you recognize it as such or not, the very idea that men and women are completely interchangeable and have no inborn differences at all is radical feminist ideology.

No one is saying men and women are interchangeable or there are no differences… But those differences can be overemphasised and brought to conclusions that just don’t stand. Women can breastfeed (true) > women are more nurturing (SOMETIMES true, not a universal rule; not true in my family - my dh is the more cuddly type) > women are the ones who should parent most of the time, even when kids are no longer infants (how does it get to here?)

Children ideally need both parents most of the time, but as we no longer live in a world where this is usually possible, we try to do the best we can, and that ‘best’ differs from family to family, based on what individuals make that family

One of the hardest things for me lately with my own DH (he works 2 days a week, so the rest of the time he’s home), is that on the 2 days when I go into the office to work, I come home at night with still *more *to do. As in: kids aren’t always fed, house is a mess, dishes aren’t done, dirt and mud have been tracked through the house and not swept up or vacuumed, laundry hasn’t been touched, bathrooms are disgusting, etc.

This is me when I’m left alone with dd and dh has a gig

Somehow, just taking care of her is overwhelming, and I can’t really get it together. When I come home from work, the house is spotless.

Thanks everyone,

I have said that I will be taking my clinical exam as a therapist. I have a master’s degree in Social Work. I love what I do- helping people.

I will continue to receive training as is required to maintain a license and I hope to see some clients when I can fit this in. I am not a slouch- I have worked hard to get where I am and my wife is very happy to have me help in this way.

I really don’t have a problem with her making more of the income and she has no problems in this role. We both respect each other and think highly of each other as intelligent and diligent people.

I have no compunction about my worth as a SAHD. I wanted to guage others’ attitudes and I am pleased to find nearly universal support.

I appreciate it!

You WILL be able to continue with your training even with a child to take care of - reading, writing articles, and completing my MSc thesis was what saved my sanity in that first year and a half when I was a SAHM.

Good luck!

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks everyone,

I have said that I will be taking my clinical exam as a therapist. I have a master’s degree in Social Work. I love what I do- helping people.

I will continue to receive training as is required to maintain a license and I hope to see some clients when I can fit this in. I am not a slouch- I have worked hard to get where I am and my wife is very happy to have me help in this way.

I really don’t have a problem with her making more of the income and she has no problems in this role. We both respect each other and think highly of each other as intelligent and diligent people.

I have no compunction about my worth as a SAHD. I wanted to guage others’ attitudes and I am pleased to find nearly universal support.

I appreciate it!

God isn’t going to ask us someday…‘what did you do for a living?’ Instead, He will ask…‘Did you do your tasks to the best of your ability, with the talents I’ve given to you?’

He isn’t going to ask…‘how much money did you make?’ Instead, He will ask…‘who did you share your money with?’

He isn’t going to ask…“Why were you a SAHD, and your wife worked outside of the home?” Instead, He will ask…'did you love your kids as much as you should have?"

We’re not the sum total of working outside of the home or not. The gender roles of society were largely manmade in design. It would be natural it seems, for a woman to want to stay at home with her baby/children…but I think it is an ideal that is pumped into our heads from society. Men should be doing this or that. I stayed at home for a time, and now I work outside of the home. My kids are now into their teens, but my husband never felt badly that I worked, nor should he. Now, if you are a lazy person who refuses to take responsibility, that’s an entirely different ballgame. But the whole…men should be making all the money…women should be staying at home…is really societal, and not given to us by God. God would want us taking care of our families and responsibilities–period. Both parents loving and raising the kids–period. I believe that if a man has to work two jobs to support his family, while noble, when does he see his kids? Is that fair to the kids? I think that when those adult kids grow up, it might be interesting to hear what they have to say about how little they saw of their dad. Or mom, if she is working two or more jobs.

So, to me, it’s all about balance. If one or the other parent is never home to see and help raise his/her kids…there’s something wrong with the balance. Balance is what kids need. They don’t need a mom 75% of the time, and dad 25%. They really need both equally. It’s only opinion that women are more nurturing. It’s not fact. My husband has been there many a time when my kids have taken a bad spill off their bikes or something, and I might be out shopping or wherever when it happened…and he was very good at nurturing them. He didn’t say…well, can’t help you…wait til your mom gets home to take care of you. I can’t imagine being married to a man who was threatened by my success, or money making ability and wants to tell me who I am as a woman. I’d rather be alone, frankly, if that were my lot. Again…all about mutual respect, and balance.

Feanor…good luck to you and your wife!

 

[Feanor]

Thanks,

I should also point out that my wife’s work is not 9-5 and is flexible. She decides when she does her experiments (stuff with rats!) and so she can be home off and on during the day. This will be especially important during the nursing stage.

I am excited but something is telling it may be more work than I am anticipating. I especially look forward to nurturing my daughter in the faith- though my wife is certainly Catholic- I am more “churchy.”- with prayers and such.

 

[jman507]

“Biology determines everything” is not part of the Church’s doctrine.

That’s great, but Basilisk never said that. The antithesis is not compatible with Church’s doctrine either.

 

[Litcrit]

That’s great, but Basilisk never said that. The antithesis is not compatible with Church’s doctrine either.

Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry, Basilisk.

This is an emotional topic for me - my postpartum hormones made me depressed and crazy and my dh, spared those hormones, seemed to bond MUCH better with baby than I did.

Now he’s a SAHD doing a better job at being a nurturing parent than I did.

So it’s deeply personal and emotional and I guess I read more stuff into people’s words than I should. Again, I’m sorry.

 

[Feanor]

And yet it was never stated that women and men were interchangeable in regards to their role in the family- indeed, I do not propose this.

This notion is not related to my post.

 

[jman507]

Thanks,

I should also point out that my wife’s work is not 9-5 and is flexible. She decides when she does her experiments (stuff with rats!) and so she can be home off and on during the day. This will be especially important during the nursing stage.

I am excited but something is telling it may be more work than I am anticipating. I especially look forward to nurturing my daughter in the faith- though my wife is certainly Catholic- I am more “churchy.”- with prayers and such.

Best of luck and prayers.

I had met one of my friends, when he was doing a shift or two a week, but otherwise he really was a SAHD. It always made me laugh how he was one hand able to connect with all the other SAHMs, and could complain about the problems of having their spouse work, and the conflict that goes on with that. (If anything it was a lot of unappreciation of the actual work they do. Lots of times the things anyone does is hidden, but discovered once the person isn’t their to do the job. Or the spouse not jumping in once he/she comes home. Or kinda not fully understanding the routines set with the kids, or quite picking up on the kids subtle clues about what they need.) Then on the other hand you could also tell by his relation with the kids, he is a dad, and not a mom.

 

[Litcrit]

And yet it was never stated that women and men were interchangeable in regards to their role in the family- indeed, I do not propose this.

This notion is not related to my post.

Yes, you’re right. A man cannot be a mom and a woman cannot be a dad, but they can both be involved, nurturing parents.

That’s why I hate the phrase “Mr. Mom”. Am I “Mrs. Dad”?

 

[Feanor]

Oh Yes I totally agree with you,

I never thought of the silliness of these terms until you pointed them out!

It would be wonderful if more parents realized how integral a two parent home is for optimal sex role and gender development. I am not saying that one parent homes cannot work but so many parents- especially men- just walk out and we are leaving much of our generation without the benefit of a loving father in the home.

It’s kind of scary to think of what this may due to the future of our world.

 

[basilisk]

we are leaving much of our generation without the benefit of a loving father in the home.

It’s kind of scary to think of what this may due to the future of our world.

Look at the inner cities, where the population is on the second or third generation of fatherlessness. That is what the future holds if we don’t check the trend.

 

[Chuck_M]

(I rarely post but I didn’t really see my viewpoint being represented so I thought I’d chime in)

To be honest, I do have less respect for SAHD’s. I suppose this is the dreaded “traditional” view the OP alluded to. I feel a bit odd being a young person who thinks this way but I guess that’s how it goes!

Ultimately I think the SAHD role gives motherhood very little credit. I just don’t think that a man can effectively serve the “nurturing” role of a mother. Perhaps more importantly, a man should not aspire to provide this role. Granted, both motherhood and fatherhood are essential but they are different. There is a big difference between having a “loving father in the home” and a SAHD.

Obviously there are certain circumstances where a man is unable to work (eg. due to a disability) and must be a SAHD. I can imagine the emasculation a man must feel not being able to provide for his family, though I suppose this is not universally shared. I don’t see how a man can be as good a role model in portraying masculine virtue if he does not work (likewise for a working mother).

 

[whatevergirl]

It’s interesting you say that, basilisk…my sister told me recently, that she heard a NFL coach talking about the ‘problem with boys’ today…and the reason we’re turning out man-babies, instead of MEN. It is largely he said, because mothers are raising boys alone more and more these days. Whether it be that they never married the dad, to divorce rates soaring, and the dad not being in the child’s life…boys, in order to become responsible and productive MEN…need a positive role model, preferably a dad or strong step dad, to help in raising them up.

I think it’s highly possible to raise a good guy if a mom is doing it solo, but I understood what he meant totally. Example being my own son. I can only teach my son a female perspective on life…and he takes it to heart. But, he NEEDS his dad to help him become a responsible and capable MAN. I can’t be a dad and a mom.

Sorry Feanor, not meaning to go off track here.