Do you respect "stay at home" Dad's?

[basilisk]

Perhaps more importantly, a man should not aspire to provide this role.

:ehh: You need to get over your rigidity. My DH, a very traditional provider and Army National Guard soldier, is one of the most nurturing fathers I have ever seen. They are not mutually exclusive.

And caring for one’s children is not emasculating… it’s the essence of manhood. And remember, I was the one disparaging radical feminism on this thread.

 

[whatevergirl]

(I rarely post but I didn’t really see my viewpoint being represented so I thought I’d chime in)

To be honest, I do have less respect for SAHD’s. I suppose this is the dreaded “traditional” view the OP alluded to. I feel a bit odd being a young person who thinks this way but I guess that’s how it goes!

Ultimately I think the SAHD role gives motherhood very little credit. I just don’t think that a man can effectively serve the “nurturing” role of a mother. Perhaps more importantly, a man should not aspire to provide this role. Granted, both motherhood and fatherhood are essential but they are different. There is a big difference between having a “loving father in the home” and a SAHD.

Obviously there are certain circumstances where a man is unable to work (eg. due to a disability) and must be a SAHD. I can imagine the emasculation a man must feel not being able to provide for his family, though I suppose this is not universally shared. I don’t see how a man can be as good a role model in portraying masculine virtue if he does not work (likewise for a working mother).

I respect your opinion, but it’s a shame that you would have less respect for someone who is doing what he feels he is called to do, family circumstances, etc…to take care of his family. I grew up with my mom never working, my dad working. My dad’s job outside the home wasn’t what made him masculine in my eyes. It was how he raised me. I didn’t think to myself…wow, my dad works…so he’s a man! ha I know what you are saying, but I know many SAHM’s who don’t do a whole lot all day…not sure how much nurturing is going on. I say that because gender doesn’t make you better suited to be a nurturer. Your actions do.

I’m not debating your opinion. I’m just saying that I think it’s a shame that you have less respect for Feanor, because of the choices he and his wife are making for the betterment of their family. So, his wife makes more…but he should go out and get two jobs, hardly see his child, so his wife can stay at home, in order to…what? Feel more…manly?

Just trying to get what you’re saying, given the circumstances of the OP…it seems more logical for his wife to work. Not everyone’s circumstances would fall this way, but here…sounds like they made a decision based on what made the most sense.

 

[basilisk]

I feel the need to expand an earlier thought.

Chuck_M, thinking that caring for one’s children is emasculating is actually showing massive disrespect for women as well as men. By saying that any job you think a woman SHOULD be doing is below a man, you show that you think women themselves are lower in status than men.

If you ever want to get married, that attitude is not going to serve you very well with the majority of today’s women, even the most traditional ones.

 

[Chuck_M]

:ehh: You need to get over your rigidity. My DH, a very traditional provider and Army National Guard soldier, is one of the most nurturing fathers I have ever seen. They are not mutually exclusive.

And caring for one’s children is not emasculating… it’s the essence of manhood. And remember, I was the one disparaging radical feminism on this thread.

You kind of proved my point by giving the example of your husband. Ask him how he would feel if he were unable to be the traditional provider. Are you suggesting that a man can only care for his children by being a SAHD?

 

[whatevergirl]

Good points, basilisk.

In Chuck’s “defense,” I would say he was implying not men taking care of children in general…but, ‘staying home and not working’ to do so, as emasculating. I see a difference, but to each’s own. Again, it’s just such a shame when we judge other’s masculinity or feminity based on whether or not they earn a paycheck.

 

[Chuck_M]

By saying that any job you think a woman SHOULD be doing is below a man, you show that you think women themselves are lower in status than men.

You use the word “below”, which I never did (and would not). A man should not be a SAHD not because it is “below him”, but because that is not his role. As I said before, saying that men can do this just as well as women denigrates the role of motherhood.

 

[Salonika]

whatevergirl:

In Chuck’s “defense,” I would say he was implying not men taking care of children in general…but, ‘staying home and not working’ to do so, as emasculating. I see a difference, but to each’s own. Again, it’s just such a shame when we judge other’s masculinity or feminity based on whether or not they earn a paycheck.

And probably deviating a little from the tropic (so I’ll be short) on whether or not they are married with children.

 

[Feanor]

I think of St. Joseph and of the protection he provided for the Lord as well as the tender love he showered upon Him.

I believe that St. Joseph is, perhaps the best model for a Catholic/Christian father in our day.

One may say that St. Joseph did provide for the Lord as a carpenter but I do not believe that this specific dynamic prevents a man in my position from imitating his example.

It could also be pointed out that in Jesus’ time, Joseph likely worked just yards away from his family.

I do understand the posters concern related to traditional sex roles. I must say that I would not feel as good about myself if I did not have a skill set as I do, and a vocation as a social worker/therapist. This is certainly not meant to detract from the dignity of traditional SAHM’s.

This is an interesting thread for me to read- thanks everyone.

 

[whatevergirl]

You use the word “below”, which I never did (and would not). A man should not be a SAHD not because it is “below him”, but because that is not his role. As I said before, saying that men can do this just as well as women denigrates the role of motherhood.

But when did motherhood and fatherhood (this is a general question not directed at you per se, Chuck) become something to do with staying at home, not staying at home? Like the whole ‘sahm or sahd’ phrase phenomenon is baffling to me. I am a mom…all the time. My husband is a dad…all the time. I think people should lose those titles who have nothing to do with their kids, like men who don’t want anything to do with their kids, and don’t pay child support…those are not ‘dads,’ to me.

Motherhood and Fatherhood have more to do with the raising of children…into capable, well adjusted human beings. My husband came out of a traditional home…his mom never worked…dad worked. Nine kids. Most of his siblings have been married two, three times over. Most of them. Only two hold tight to the Catholic faith. So, if working out of the home dads is the measurement of what makes a man and a good dad…wow, we shouldn’t need so much therapy as a nation, then. I just don’t think that a man working (although, seeing a man provide for his family is a positive thing–my husband did this, while I stayed at home for a time) should be the barometer of fatherhood.

 

[basilisk]

You use the word “below”, which I never did (and would not). A man should not be a SAHD not because it is “below him”, but because that is not his role. As I said before, saying that men can do this just as well as women denigrates the role of motherhood.

Emasculated is a pretty strong word. It means taking away one’s manhood. You said men would be emasculated by being SAHDs. Therefore, it is something that would be below the dignity of manhood.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think of St. Joseph and of the protection he provided for the Lord as well as the tender love he showered upon Him.

I believe that St. Joseph is, perhaps the best model for a Catholic/Christian father in our day.

One may say that St. Joseph did provide for the Lord as a carpenter but I do not believe that this specific dynamic prevents a man in my position from imitating his example.

It could also be pointed out that in Jesus’ time, Joseph likely worked just yards away from his family.

I do understand the posters concern related to traditional sex roles. I must say that I would not feel as good about myself if I did not have a skill set as I do, and a vocation as a social worker/therapist. This is certainly not meant to detract from the dignity of traditional SAHM’s.

This is an interesting thread for me to read- thanks everyone.

Bravo. Feanor…if you were to ask 1000 people their opinions on this, you will have opinions ranging from radical feminist types to men who carry clubs, and live in caves. And everyone in between. Do what you feel GOD IS CALLING YOU TO DO. Do what you and your wife are comfortable doing. Life throws curves at us all the time…and you never know if something will change with your wife’s job…never know. Life is unpredictable. That we can count on. lol So, enjoy the time with your child at home.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

(I rarely post but I didn’t really see my viewpoint being represented so I thought I’d chime in)

To be honest, I do have less respect for SAHD’s. I suppose this is the dreaded “traditional” view the OP alluded to. I feel a bit odd being a young person who thinks this way but I guess that’s how it goes!

**
I respect your opinion but want to point out it may change as your life does. Mine certainly has. What is important is to be open to God’s will for our lives. It would be a shame if years from now He was calling you to be a SAHD and you blocked His voice because of your pride. Be open to God and we can’t go wrong.**

 

[whatevergirl]

**
I respect your opinion but want to point out it may change as your life does. Mine certainly has. What is important is to be open to God’s will for our lives. It would be a shame if years from now He was calling you to be a SAHD and you blocked His voice because of your pride. Be open to God and we can’t go wrong.**

Perfectly put, as always, Malia. I agree, pride can stop us from following what God wants for us and our families.

 

[Litcrit]

I don’t see how a man can be as good a role model in portraying masculine virtue if he does not work (likewise for a working mother).

A working mother? As in ‘not feminine enough’ to provide a good role model? My mother, aunts, grandmothers, great-grandmother all worked - they were strong, educated women in a culture where grandparents traditionally took care of kids while young, able parents worked - and they were awesome, feminine women.

:ehh: You need to get over your rigidity. My DH, a very traditional provider and Army National Guard soldier, is one of the most nurturing fathers I have ever seen. They are not mutually exclusive.

And caring for one’s children is not emasculating… it’s the essence of manhood. And remember, I was the one disparaging radical feminism on this thread.

Exactly. Being a good father is imperative for being a real man.

I think of St. Joseph and of the protection he provided for the Lord as well as the tender love he showered upon Him.

I believe that St. Joseph is, perhaps the best model for a Catholic/Christian father in our day.

One may say that St. Joseph did provide for the Lord as a carpenter but I do not believe that this specific dynamic prevents a man in my position from imitating his example.

It could also be pointed out that in Jesus’ time, Joseph likely worked just yards away from his family.

I think the bolded part is the crux of our problems today - the vast majority of parents of BOTH sex have ‘worked just yards away’ from their family throughout most of humanity’s history! My husband’s grandmother likely carried her children in a sheet on her back while doing work in the fields… Only since family and work were separated has there even been an issue or a division between genders. Before that, both parents worked, both parents wotked at home, and both parents were near their kids 24/7.

 

[Feanor]

And Malia,

I presume that is your family- you guys look great! Your daughter is quite cute!

My daughter will be named Lorien ___ (no middle name yet)
Lorien is another Tolkien thing- I know it’s nerdy (me, not the name)- I can’t help it!

 

[Chuck_M]

But when did motherhood and fatherhood (this is a general question not directed at you per se, Chuck) become something to do with staying at home, not staying at home? Like the whole ‘sahm or sahd’ phrase phenomenon is baffling to me. I am a mom…all the time. My husband is a dad…all the time. I think people should lose those titles who have nothing to do with their kids, like men who don’t want anything to do with their kids, and don’t pay child support…those are not ‘dads,’ to me.

Motherhood and Fatherhood have more to do with the raising of children…into capable, well adjusted human beings. My husband came out of a traditional home…his mom never worked…dad worked. Nine kids. Most of his siblings have been married two, three times over. Most of them. Only two hold tight to the Catholic faith. So, if working out of the home dads is the measurement of what makes a man and a good dad…wow, we shouldn’t need so much therapy as a nation, then. I just don’t think that a man working (although, seeing a man provide for his family is a positive thing–my husband did this, while I stayed at home for a time) should be the barometer of fatherhood.

I see what you’re saying. There are plenty of men who work but are lousy fathers. I guess I’m just saying that I think being a SAHD is an impediment towards being an effective father because it confuses the nurturing role of motherhood.

 

[basilisk]

And Malia,

I presume that is your family- you guys look great! Your daughter is quite cute!

My daughter will be named Lorien ___ (no middle name yet)
Lorien is another Tolkien thing- I know it’s nerdy (me, not the name)- I can’t help it!

I like that name. Pretty, sounds like a more familiar name, but is unique without being super-wierd.

As long as you don’t name her D’Lorien. (Back to the Future… )

 

[basilisk]

I see what you’re saying. There are plenty of men who work but are lousy fathers. I guess I’m just saying that I think being a SAHD is an impediment towards being an effective father because it confuses the nurturing role of motherhood.

Being pretty traditional myself, I can see how you think this. And if you really believe in very defined roles in the family, this makes perfect sense.

Just be careful of words like “emasculating.”

Truce.

 

[whatevergirl]

Nurture:

Show Spelled Pronunciation [nur-cher] Show IPA Pronunciation
verb, -tured, -tur⋅ing, noun
–verb (used with object) 1. to feed and protect: to nurture one’s offspring.
2. to support and encourage, as during the period of training or development; foster: to nurture promising musicians.
3. to bring up; train; educate.
–noun 4. rearing, upbringing, training, education, or the like.
5. development: the nurture of young artists.
6. something that nourishes; nourishment; food.

How is this a role exclusive to women…nurturing? when it comes to raising children?

 

[whatevergirl]

I see what you’re saying. There are plenty of men who work but are lousy fathers. I guess I’m just saying that I think being a SAHD is an impediment towards being an effective father because it confuses the nurturing role of motherhood.

The definition of nurture doesn’t seem to be gender specific, though?