Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[TheWarriorMonk]

But do you know what she WANTS to weigh?

Sorry Monk, couldn’t let that slide by

Yup…but I’m sticking to relativistic terms lest I suffer the wrath of her finding out that I posted her actual weight.

 

[shipwrkd]

Yes, I’ve already stated with my group of friends we all know such information could be shared with spouses.

But my group of friends don’t discuss this kind of silly nonsense. Seriously, we’ve resorted to weight as a topic now? This thread really is getting a bit ridiculous.

No, weight isn’t the topic, just an example of sharing and to some, it’s not that silly. I’m close with friends too and unless you have a written contract of what info can or shouldn’t be shared your asking for trouble. What you may perceive as silly, others may not. Same as sharing things that could hurt others.

 

[shipwrkd]

Yup…but I’m sticking to relativistic terms lest I suffer the wrath of her finding out that I posted her actual weight.

Ah ha, kinda like telling your best married buddy in confidence?

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t see the potential for embarrassment. They would never know that he knew.

The olds saying ‘what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her’ is hog wash. Your friend may not know but it is still wrong to lie and tell her it will be kept secret from everyone.

I know a lot of men that are a lot stronger than me. I could NEVER hit them hard enough to hurt them. But I still don’t hit them because it is not nice. Just because your husband acts like he does not know, does not make it OK

 

[PatriceA]

No, weight isn’t the topic, just an example of sharing and to some, it’s not that silly. I’m close with friends too and unless you have a written contract of what info can or shouldn’t be shared your asking for trouble. What you may perceive as silly, others may not. Same as sharing things that could hurt others.

A written contract? Just what kind of people are you hanging out with?

I’m not asking for trouble when I’m upfront with any new friendship that they shouldn’t tell me anything that I could potentially share with my husband. If they can’t accept that, the friendship doesn’t get off the ground. My old friends already understand and think similarly.

 

[LilyM]

I don’t see the potential for embarrassment. They would never know that he knew. Part of having a relationship in which you share everything is having a very trustworthy spouse.

If he ever did repeat it or let on that he knew we would have huge issues in our marriage. But I have nothing to worry about.

Interesting - so it’s OK for him to KNOW everything about your friends, just not to let on that he knows.

So let me ask you, would you expect him to lie to them - if they outright asked, to say ‘no, BEL never said anything to me’ - if telling them the truth would cause embarrasment to them?

 

[Debora123]

It’s like this …

What goes on between husband and wife is their business, you said.

But if a husband or wife confided in you about their marital business (say they were having serious difficulties) you would have, it appears, no respect for the fact that such information is STILL their business, and would probably tell your husband and make or his business as well.

uh yeah, if they make it my business by telling me, then I’ll certainly tell my husband as well. If they asked me not to tell him, I’d tell them right there to stop telling me because it is not their place to say what I can and cannot tell my own spouse. So if they don’t want him to know, they shouldn’t tell me. Again, I’ve never run into any marital relationship that I know of to be so closed off from each other that they wouldn’t know I share things with my spouse.

 

[shipwrkd]

If weight came up or they were talking about diet and exercise or how well or poorly people carry weight, sure I would expect her to say “Well BEL weighs X” as a means of comparison or an example.

OK, we’ve gotten to first base. Would you share more intimate situations and expect her to say “Well, Bell does X” as a means of comparison or an example.

 

[Debora123]

Mine does (we have both been there for each other through major fitness transformations). He also knows all of my passwords (but he doesn’t use them unless there’s something he needs to do in my accounts), has access to all of my medical records, and so much more.

Same here. We have each other’s passwords to facebook and email and everything saved on our computers. There’s nothing to hide.

 

[Debora123]

Young or old, there are things that should not be shared. While good communication is essential to a marriage, gossip can be detrimental and when someone tells you something in confidence, telling your husband is no more than gossip. If you told a close female friend your weight would you expect her husband to know it also? Sharing is good…but not everything.

That’s up to each individual couple’s discretion.

 

[IneedGod]

For me a secret means tell no one. That includes hubby. Am I wrong in thinking this way?

 

[Debora123]

Yes, I’ve already stated with my group of friends we all know such information could be shared with spouses.

But my group of friends don’t discuss this kind of silly nonsense. Seriously, we’ve resorted to weight as a topic now? This thread really is getting a bit ridiculous.

Yep, bra size and weight now as well.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Interesting - so it’s OK for him to KNOW everything about your friends, just not to let on that he knows.

So let me ask you, would you expect him to lie to them - if they outright asked, to say ‘no, BEL never said anything to me’ - if telling them the truth would cause embarrasment to them?

I would expect him to either lie, give them a weird look and walk away, or defend my decision to tell him. And he would.

 

[LilyM]

uh yeah, if they make it my business by telling me, then I’ll certainly tell my husband as well. If they asked me not to tell him, I’d tell them right there to stop telling me because it is not their place to say what I can and cannot tell my own spouse. So if they don’t want him to know, they shouldn’t tell me. Again, I’ve never run into any marital relationship that I know of to be so closed off from each other that they wouldn’t know I share things with my spouse.

Which is fine assuming that they can somehow untell you or stop in the middle of telling you. Of course that isn’t always possible.

What makes you think couples who don’t tell each other everything are ‘closed off from each other’?

You’ve said yourself that you don’t tell your husband literally EVERYTHING. Does that mean that if you were to come across someone who did tell their husband things that you don’t tell yours, that they somehow have a better relationship or marriage?

 

[Debora123]

I don’t see the potential for embarrassment. They would never know that he knew. Part of having a relationship in which you share everything is having a very trustworthy spouse.

If he ever did repeat it or let on that he knew we would have huge issues in our marriage. But I have nothing to worry about.

Agreed.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

My husband doesn’t cease to be number one if I don’t share my friends’ private matters with him. His right to come first in my life doesn’t give him a right to personal information that doesn’t concern him.

**AMEN! ** And I’m glad my husband believes the same thing.

I think I understand. What I meant to say was that, whenever I tell anything personal about myself to anyone else, I assume they’re going to share it with their spouse, and I don’t even think I can absolutely count on them not telling very close friends or family members.

I didn’t mean to imply that telling just about anyone is perfectly fine, just that I am personally prepared for that possibility whenever I decide to share anything personal.

If they told me not to tell anyone I would agree and still tell my fiance if it came up

. If they told me not to tell anyone even him then I’d tell them they don’t have a right to make such a request and tell them not to continue.
The ^^^ two quotes above illustrate why I rarely share personal things with people. I assume anyone I tell something to will tell their spouse, their mother, their sister, their other ‘best friends’, etc. If I want the entire world (or even just all the people I know) to know my business, I will post it on Facebook.

You know, it’s interesting … I’m wondering if this may be an age-related division, more than anything else. It seems those who are younger (mid-20’s-ish, maybe up to early 30s) have one view, and those who are late 30’s/40 and beyond have another perspective.

I think my choice to keep others’ confidences stems from reasons other than my age. First, I was a ‘Navy brat’ and lived on bases with many top secret projects going on. I understood that there were places I wasn’t allowed to go and things I just wasn’t meant to know. Second, I’m in the medical field where patient privacy is HUGE. I have treated more than one friend / acquaintance and my answer to questions about what was going on with them is always, “You have to talk to them about it - I can’t discuss it.” Third, I value my privacy and keeping others’ confidences is a matter of living the Golden Rule. I don’t want any one talking about my personal business with anyone else, so I don’t discuss their business with anyone else - not even my husband. I am thankful that my husband is also in the medical field (and understands patient confidentiality) and also values his privacy, so this is not an issue between us. We both understand that people will tell us things that we won’t discuss with each other.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

OK, we’ve gotten to first base. Would you share more intimate situations and expect her to say “Well, Bell does X” as a means of comparison or an example.

If by intimate you mean sexual then that’s moot. I’m not in the habit of discussing my sex life with friends. But if I did I would not be upset or surprised if that was shared with their spouse, because I would never tell them anything that I couldn’t stand to have their spouse know.

 

[LilyM]

I would expect him to either lie, give them a weird look and walk away, or defend my decision to tell him. And he would.

So then - why should he not lie to you, or hide things from you if revealing them would embarrass you?

After all, it seems clear that saving face and avoiding embarrassment are more important to both of you than either confidentiality or honesty when it comes to your friends, why not to each other?

 

[Debora123]

Which is fine assuming that they can somehow untell you or stop in the middle of telling you. Of course that isn’t always possible.

What makes you think couples who don’t tell each other everything are ‘closed off from each other’?

You’ve said yourself that you don’t tell your husband literally EVERYTHING. Does that mean that if you were to come across someone who did tell their husband things that you don’t tell yours, that they somehow have a better relationship or marriage?

Please stop looking for arguments. I meant “closed off from each other” in a sense that they don’t share secrets. I’ve written multiple times now that there is no right and wrong here and that it’s up to the couple themselves. Neither relationship is better or worse than the other.

 

[Debora123]

So then - why should he not lie to you, or hide things from you if revealing them would embarrass you? After all, it seems clear that saving face is far more important to both of you than either confidentiality or honesty.

You just love trying to insult people left and right. Give it a rest. Not everyone’s relationship is like yours, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I honestly can’t believe that posters here are getting attacked for sharing secrets with their spouses.