Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[Litcrit]

if your friend tells you something knowing full well that you might tell your husband you will in no way shape or form be breaking their trust by doing so.

IF … knowing

Actually, my friends know that if they tell me something, I will not divulge the details to anyone - not even to my husband.

Different people, different understood rules. Don’t be afraid to share with your friends because of how other strangers on the internet and their friends function. We probably wouldn’t be close friends in real life if we had such different ideas on how marriage and friendships work.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

And thats totally fine. For you guys and your marriage it is really important that you keep such confidence as secrets, for others it is really important that they not have to hide anything about their own lives with their husbands.

But it’s not their lives. That’s what I find so confusing about this. We’re not talking about keeping your OWN secret from a spouse, we’re talking about someone else’s secret, that we have no good reason to reveal.

 

[Litcrit]

But it’s not their lives. That’s what I find so confusing about this. We’re not talking about keeping your OWN secret from a spouse, we’re talking about someone else’s secret, that we have no good reason to reveal.

The secrets of our own close friends who know full well in advance that we share things with our spouses and who in some cases explicitly encourage this sharing.

 

[thewanderer]

But it’s not their lives. That’s what I find so confusing about this. We’re not talking about keeping your OWN secret from a spouse, we’re talking about someone else’s secret, that we have no good reason to reveal.

I guess thats what I’m trying to explain, there can be a good reason to reveal it, namely that revealing it is necessary in order to share a part of your own life and experience to your spouse and for some people being able to do this is an extremely important part of their mariage. Now, if you don’t see this as being an important part of marriage then I can understand why you would have a hard time seeing what the value is, but that doesn’t mean that the value doesn’t exist. And, maybe for you it doesn’t hold any value, but to those who see this as an extremely important part of their marriage it really and truly does have value. Would you expect your friend to do something which they felt was detrimental to their marriage? Of course not because if you did you wouldn’t be a very good friend now would you. Well, the thing is, that for some people they really feel that having to hide secrets from their spouse is detrimental to their marriage because it makes them feel as though there is an extra and unnecessary barrier between them and their spouse.

lol, I don’t know if repeating this will make it make any more sense, but when a friend tells me something that is troubling them **I **then go on to spend a portion of my life thinking about this, worrying about it, praying about it, feeling various emotions about it, wishing them well, worrying for them, etc etc etc. People who insist that they will not hide things from their spouse are not saying

“I know this issue is very personal to you, but I’ve made some arbitrary decision that since I and my husband are ‘one’ I’m going to go and blab all of these details about your life to him too because I think that if I know whats happening in your life then he should know all about whats happening in your life too”

Instead they are saying

“I have spent (or will spend) so much of my own time and thoughts and energy and hopes and emotions and well wishes etc etc etc on this matter. I have also entered a comitment to share my life with my husband, that includes all of my thoughts and energies and hopes and emotions etc etc etc. Now, I know that in order to truly share all of my thoughts and hopes and emotions etc with my husband I am going to also have to share certain details about other peoples lives because without that context it will be impossible for me to share details about my own life with my husband. So I better make sure that before my friends tell me confidential things they know that I might possibly end up sharing some of the details with my spouse. I just want to share myself with him so entirely that I cannot stand the thought of purposefully hiding something about my own experiences from him, even if that means my friends sometimes have to find someone else to confide in, being able to share as much of my own personal life experience with my spouse is just too important to me and my marriage”

It might just be that this is something you will never understand because it is so foreign to your own perspective on things, but please, please realize that for those of us for whom this is important it is absolutely something with a ton of value. We are not just being blabbermouths or gosssips who like airing details about a friends life just for the sake of it, rather it is a matter of sharing such details if they are necessary in order to share something about our own personal experiences of life. There is a huge, huge difference between the two.

 

[LilyM]

I assume that this is just a communication problem, but if not, then I must absolutely 100% disagree with you. Different situations demand a different kind of commitment, but the commitment must still be absolute and unconditional.
(cont…)

Hmmm … to me an ‘unconditional’ commitment is about behaviour as well as feeling. It means ‘I will always behave exactly the same towards you in every particular no matter what you do or whether anything else changes’. Your mother was committed to live with your father (not in so many words, but implicitly) … on condition that he not be abusive. When he was, she left and took you with her. A person might commit to obey their spouse as part of the wedding vows … but only on condition that they are not asked to do anything sinful by them. If the spouse does so, that commitment doesn’t apply. A person does commit to exclusive love … but only while the spouse lives. Nothing prevents them loving another and forming another union after the first spouse dies.

Here though, the difference isn’t that you are being forced to hide a part of your life from him, you just don’t see a reason to do so. Thats a huge difference. And, like I said, its not always wrong(though there are absolutely many times that it would be wrong) to hide something about your life and experience of life from your spouse, but, its just, well, actively hiding something about your life and experience of life from your spouse seems, somehow, imperfect. …

So there are things I won’t end up telling him, and of course thats fine, but I really dislike the idea of having many things that I have to actively hide from him. So, if it comes to it, and a friend really needs to confide in me and really can’t stand the idea of my husband (well, future husband) knowing about it, I will, as a friend, give in and listen to him/her and keep it from my husband, but I will be very saddened that I have to do so and I will only do so out of true necessity and I expect my friends to be willing to respect that fact that I wish to have a marriage as close to the ideal as possible and not try and force me to hide things from my husband unnecessarily, and not to think worse of me because I want so much to be able to share myself with him. Its not about a lack of respect or love for ones friends, its about a recognition about something in the ideal of marriage and having a great desire for that good. As I’ve said before, different people look at this differently, and thats why the only solution is giving the benefit of the doubt to others intentions, being respectful and charitable, and making sure others understand where you stand on this issue.

tw, to me keeping my friends’ secrets doesn’t feel like a burden. It’s kinda like changing your kid’s diaper or something - not necessarily joyful, but you do it for love of the child, it’s part and parcel of being a good parent and so not difficult.

And it’s not something I feel like I’m forced to do - in the same way I’m sure you don’t feel ‘forced’ to tell your spouse secrets. For both of us it is something we see as important and ultimately a free rather than forced choice.

And I don’t know about ‘hiding’ either. Hiding is not wrong unless the thing hidden ought to be out in the open. One is not doing wrong to hide one’s valuables for protection from thieves, for example. And as I said before, the information doesn’t just belong to me, so I wouldn’t feel like the decision or the right to reveal it belongs just to me either, nor that it is improper for me to hide it, unusual circumstances aside.

To me it is like going shares in a business with my friend. Certainly I may have a right to take my portion of the profits of that business home to my husband and tell him how much I personally earned from the business. I have no right to take my friend’s share home to him as well, nor tell him how much my friend earned.

 

[Litcrit]

“I better make sure that before my friends tell me confidential things they know that I might possibly end up sharing some of the details with my spouse. I just want to share myself with him so entirely that I cannot stand the thought of purposefully hiding something about my own experiences from him, even if that means my friends sometimes have to find someone else to confide in, being able to share as much of my own personal life experience with my spouse is just too important to me and my marriage”

This is crucial. Our friends know and accept this. This is probably why we’re close friends with these people and the non-sharers are friends with their own close friends who share the same values.

This conversation has actually happened in my life:

My friend: Can I tell you something in confidence?

Me: Yes. But you *do *know I don’t keep secrets from my husband, don’t you?

My friend: Oh, of course! I didn’t mean him, obviously.

This is a close male friend who’s also friends with my husband and trusts him completely.

I don’t think I’d be comfortable being close friends with anyone who didn’t like and trust my husband too.

 

[LilyM]

This is crucial. Our friends know and accept this. This is probably why we’re close friends with these people and the non-sharers are friends with their own close friends who share the same values.

This conversation has actually happened in my life:

My friend: Can I tell you something in confidence?

Me: Yes. But you *do *know I don’t keep secrets from my husband, don’t you?

My friend: Oh, of course! I didn’t mean him, obviously.

This is a close male friend who’s also friends with my husband and trusts him completely.

I don’t think I’d be comfortable being close friends with anyone who didn’t like and trust my husband too.

Liking and trusting your husband has nothing to do with whether I want him to know about my gynaecological problems, for example - but I might want you to know. Should the onus have to be on me to ask or even wonder if you’re going to tell him?

Is there no case for saying that I should just be able to trust you to not tell without it having to be spelled out, just like you can simply trust your husband to be faithful without having to make sure to ask him to be, or tell him to be, in so many words?

 

[KnitNut]

I’m only skimming pages between chopping leeks, but did I read that someone would “share the secret” and then expect the spouse to LIE about knowing, if confronted by the original party, to prevent detection of the “unauthorized disclosure”?! My understanding of RC teaching is by no means complete, but putting the onus of sinning on my spouse because I broke a confidence is perhaps more a moral failing of my own. If I’m supposed to be helping him get to Heaven, I’m not sure that’s the path to take. There’s plenty of admonishment both in Sacred Scripture and the writings of the Fathers to discourage us from idle/casual chatter, whether it be within families or with 3rd parties. I try to err on the side of caution.

Someone asked whether it’s an “age thing”. I suspect it’s more a culture issue, our environment & upbringing.

Another question I have (anything to get away from the cutting board for a minute!) - for the “tell all” folks who participate in a religion that includes in-person confession to a pastor: Do you tell your spouse everything you tell your priest? Just curious how far the personal disclosure goes in your homes. If you have a spiritual father/mother/director, do you share all with them, as well? I wonder if this might highlight an invisible boundary between “really important” and “chatter”? Just pondering…

 

[Litcrit]

Liking and trusting your husband has nothing to do with whether I want him to know about my gynaecological problems, for example - but I might want you to know and not have to ask or wonder if you’re going to tell him.

I believe I’ve already clarified on this thread that I wouldn’t feel a pressing need to discuss a female friend’s yeast infection with my husband - it’s one of those silly unnecessary gossipy things none of us “sharers” actually need to share - like our friends’ bowel movements or bra sizes or whatever.

But, as I’ve already said, a close female friend has actually shared her cervical cancer scare and surgery with both of us, and if a close friend had cervical or ovarian or breast cancer, I’d probably want to share this with my husband. He’d share it with me as well if a close male friend of his had testicular or prostate cancer. It’s serious stuff to be prayed about and nothing to be embarrassed about. If I was explicitly forbidden to, I’d abide, but that wouldn’t be my free choice.

 

[LilyM]

I believe I’ve already clarified on this thread that I wouldn’t feel a pressing need to discuss a female friend’s yeast infection with my husband - it’s one of those silly unnecessary gossipy things none of us “sharers” actually need to share - like our friends’ bowel movements or bra sizes or whatever.

But, as I’ve already said, a close female friend has actually shared her cervical cancer scare and surgery with both of us, and if a close friend had cervical or ovarian or breast cancer, I’d probably want to share this with my husband. He’d share it with me as well if a close male friend of his had testicular or prostate cancer. It’s serious stuff to be prayed about and nothing to be embarrassed about. If I was explicitly forbidden to, I’d abide, but that wouldn’t be my free choice.

But how is anyone to know that you consider yeast infections or bra size to be not worth telling but cervical cancer to be absolutely essential to tell without asking beforehand - thus essentially spilling their secret to you before actually knowing whether or not you are prepared to keep silence?

It’s not necessarily something intuitive - I don’t care so much who knows my bra size, for example, but if I were seriously ill, including with cancer, I would want to be in complete and utter control of who finds out, and how and when. And would not want anyone to hear about other than from myself. So that wouod affect whether I shared these details about other people.

 

[Litcrit]

Do you tell your spouse everything you tell your priest? Just curious how far the personal disclosure goes in your homes. If you have a spiritual father/mother/director, do you share all with them, as well? I wonder if this might highlight an invisible boundary between “really important” and “chatter”? Just pondering…

I do sometimes talk to my husband before or after a confession. I do discuss my thoughts on my sins and failings with him. He doesn’t ask, but talking to him helps me put things in perspective.

I don’t keep secrets of my own life from any priest I discuss an issue with or confess to. There has never been a need to talk about anyone else in this situation.

I wouldn’t expect my husband to lie for me. If I have told him something, it is because it was understood between my friend and me that my husband would, naturally, also know about the issue disclosed. I wouldn’t want to hear a “secret” if this wasn’t understood. Any close friends who would share anything secret with me know this. I don’t like the idea of creating *more *barriers and secrets between people who all like and respect each other. It’s unnecessary.

 

[Litcrit]

But how is anyone to know that you consider yeast infections or bra size to be not worth telling but cervical cancer to be absolutely essential to tell without asking beforehand - thus essentially spilling their secret to you before actually knowing whether or not you are prepared to keep silence?

My friends *know *that my rule is “I don’t keep anything secret from my husband.” It goes for anything. That’s the rule. I’ll most probably not mention silly little private things for no reason at all - that’s silly chatter and gossip - but I won’t be committed beforehand to NOT telling my husband.

Any friend who tells me anything knows that my *default *is not keeping anything from my husband. She/he won’t share anything she’s not comfortable with my husband knowing, although I’m probably not going to share gossipy little private details.

 

[Litcrit]

We seem to quickly disintegrate into extreme opposite stereotypes in these threads. I can see two emerging right now:

A sharer - comes home and yells from the door: “Honey! You won’t believe it! Deb has a crush on the boss, Lily’s period is late, and John is cheating on his wife! What’s new with you?”

A non-sharer - get told her parents are probably divorcing and it’s eating her up but, as it’s none of her husband’s business, she puts on a happy facade at home.

I believe we’re much more alike in practice.

 

[ephesians4]

Ok, so I have a question and I really, really wish that a few of the regulars weren’t out for Lent right now, but anyway:

Do you tell your spouse things that other people (friends and relatives) in confidence? Or do you expect that they know that when confiding in you they are also confiding in your spouse? If your spouse asked you what so and so said would you tell them or explain that it’s personal and you can’t share? Would you be mad if you thought that someone was telling your secrets to their spouse?

I’m just asking out of curiosity. I have never had this issue come up in real life and I don’t foresee it being an issue. I just wondered what the thoughts on it were because it seems like an interesting question.

For us personally we tell each other everything. If a friend or family member tells one of us something the other knows it right away. I guess for lack of a better word it’s gossip, but we’ve pretty much always been that way. When I tell a married or otherwise very committed friend something I always assume it goes without saying that they will tell their partner, but that it will go no further.

Wow, what a question - OK:

Luckily for us I think our friends generally would understand this, but telling one of us something is telling us both, as in terms of secrets we are one person.

It is both as simple as that, and more subtle than that.

There are occasions where one is legally or professionally bound to keep secrets, and the “system” there is that if my other half actually wants to know, the secret is hers - the ball is in her court, and she has complete control/discretion over that secrecy.

Similarly, we will not intrude in friends’ confidences, although the “system” means we could ask though if I really wanted to.

That said, that is really for trivial stuff or deeply personal stuff - nothing of emotional significance to us and our household - say a friend’s terminal illness, would be an OK thing to carry quietly. Carrying big emotional loads without telling spouse is unhealthy and/or deceitful.

In reality it makes not a tiny bit of difference if we know each other’s secrets - which we mostly do.

 

[LilyM]

My friends *know *that my rule is “I don’t keep anything secret from my husband.” It goes for anything. That’s the rule. I’ll most probably not mention silly little private things for no reason at all - that’s silly chatter and gossip - but I won’t be committed beforehand to NOT telling my husband.

Any friend who tells me anything knows that my *default *is not keeping anything from my husband. She/he won’t share anything she’s not comfortable with my husband knowing, although I’m probably not going to share gossipy little private details.

Again, are you sure all your friends know exactly what constitutes a ‘gossipy little private detail’ that is safe with you and what doesn’t? My ‘gossipy little private detail’ that you won’t tell might be your ‘incredibly important thing that my husband simply must know’. We’re neither of us psychic. Neither are your friends.

And what about people who don’t know you quite so well? Some people share confidences much earlier and easier in a relationship than others - and lots come from a default position of confidences being kept even from husbands without it having to be specified. You sound quite happy to throw them to the wolves and tell regardless, through no fault of theirs.

See this is why I am strongly in favour of the default position being silence. There are simply too many dangers inherent in assuming a position of ‘tell unless otherwise specified’.

 

[LilyM]

We seem to quickly disintegrate into extreme opposite stereotypes in these threads. I can see two emerging right now:

A sharer - comes home and yells from the door: “Honey! You won’t believe it! Deb has a crush on the boss, Lily’s period is late, and John is cheating on his wife! What’s new with you?”

A non-sharer - get told her parents are probably divorcing and it’s eating her up but, as it’s none of her husband’s business, she puts on a happy facade at home.

I believe we’re much more alike in practice.

Well, when you say ‘I tell my husband everything, anyone who tells me anything ought to just understand that my husband will be told, and furthermore I think it is unfair for anyone to ask me to keep anything from my husband’ then what else are we supposed to think?

Especially when your decision to tell or not is based on such totally arbitrary considerations as whether you think something is trivial. It really does make it sound like you just blurt out whatever it takes your fancy to blurt out at any given moment with very little thought or consideration given to the consequences.

 

[Litcrit]

Again, are you sure all your friends know exactly what constitutes a ‘gossipy little private detail’ that is safe with you and what doesn’t? My ‘gossipy little private detail’ that you won’t tell might be your ‘incredibly important thing that my husband simply must know’. We’re neither of us psychic. Neither are your friends.

And what about people who don’t know you quite so well? Some people share confidences much earlier and easier in a relationship than others - and lots come from a default position of confidences being kept even from husbands without it having to be specified. You sound quite happy to throw them to the wolves and tell regardless, through no fault of theirs.

See this is why I am strongly in favour of the default position being silence. There are simply too many dangers inherent in assuming a position of ‘tell unless otherwise specified’.

I have never told my friends “I don’t tell my husband gossipy little private details.” I have repeatedly told my friends “I tell my husband everything.” How much clearer can I be?

The wolves? My gentle, discreet, taciturn, wise, wonderful husband is “the wolves”? Dangers? I just can’t even begin to grasp where you’re coming from and who might have hurt you with what terribly dangerous piece of information. But your world seems nothing like my world.

Well, when you say ‘I tell my husband everything, anyone who tells me anything ought to just understand that my husband will be told, and furthermore I think it is unfair for anyone to ask me to keep anything from my husband’ then what else are we supposed to think?

Especially when your decision to tell or not is based on such totally arbitrary considerations as whether you think something is trivial. It really does make it sound like you just *blurt **out *whatever it takes your *fancy *to blurt out at any given moment with very little thought or consideration given to the consequences.

Wow.

Perhaps you are supposed to think that my friends, who are also our mutual friends, if and when they confide in me understand and gladly accept that it might well reach my nice and respected and trusted husband as well, in a respectful, friendly, loving conversation the two of us might have about the people we both love and respect, and that there are, of course, no “consequences.” That would be the charitable assumption.

Just like the charitable assumption on my part does not involve me imagining couples who don’t communicate with each other, thinking of each other as somehow the “enemy,” but share all sorts of intimate details from their marriages with their same-sex friends, because it won’t get out so it’s just fine. But I don’t assume that.

 

[LilyM]

Wow, what a question - OK:

Luckily for us I think our friends generally would understand this, but telling one of us something is telling us both, as in terms of secrets we are one person.

It is both as simple as that, and more subtle than that.

There are occasions where one is legally or professionally bound to keep secrets, and the “system” there is that if my other half actually wants to know, the secret is hers - the ball is in her court, and she has complete control/discretion over that secrecy.

Similarly, we will not intrude in friends’ confidences, although the “system” means we could ask though if I really wanted to.

That said, that is really for trivial stuff or deeply personal stuff - nothing of emotional significance to us and our household - say a friend’s terminal illness, would be an OK thing to carry quietly. Carrying big emotional loads without telling spouse is unhealthy and/or deceitful.

In reality it makes not a tiny bit of difference if we know each other’s secrets - which we mostly do.

Be careful about brandishing words like ‘unhealthy’ around. Just as different people have different comfort levels in regard things like household mess and noise levels, so they have different comfort levels in regard sharing intimate information.

It WOULD be unhealthy for a neat freak to live with a slob, or for someone who likes constantly playing music so loud their eardrums bleed with someone who prefers total silence. But people who are compatible in areas like this can be very happy and healthy together. Same with two sharers-of-everything versus two who see discretion and keeping confidence as more important.

Deceitful? That implies that your spouse has a right to know the confidential details. Certainly if you are upset about something it’s not right - or healthy - to pretend that nothing is wrong. At the same time there is nothing deceitful about saying ‘I just had some bad news about a friend’s health’, leaving at that and letting the sufferer maintain their dignity and tell people as they see fit, rather than ‘Bob from work has testicular cancer’ when you don’t know for a fact that Bob is fine with your husband knowing about his dodgy testicles.

Even the catechism talks (or used to) about the importance of discretion in your speech, avoidance of idle chatter where possible, and how information ought to be withheld from those who did not have a right to know - certainly with no hint that marriage dispenses you from these obligations.

 

[kelvinf]

The ^^^ two quotes above illustrate why I rarely share personal things with people.

This entire thread reinforces why I DO NOT confide in others.

Just imagine a spiritual director. I cannot share something with my spiritual director when I know that he or she is going to tell their spouse. Their spouse is not my spiritual director and ought not to know what I tell my spiritual director.

So people who talk too much are just the reason why you should not tell people your things.

I rather struggle with an issue alone than to reveal it to someone who can’t keep their mouth shut simply because of how they interpret “one with their spouse”.

 

[kelvinf]

You know, it’s interesting … I’m wondering if this may be an age-related division, more than anything else. It seems those who are younger (mid-20’s-ish, maybe up to early 30s) have one view…

:tsktsk: