Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[Bookcat]

Secrets are secrets.

Not something for ones spouse.

One can though ask – do you mind my wife knows of this?

I have the right to let my friend tell his wife my secret --for it is my secret but my friend does not just have the right to tell his wife my secret willie nillie.

Being married does not mean one can act contrary to a secret --be it a natural secret or promised or entrusted secret. Being married does not give one the right to betray a persons secrets. Indeed it is sinful to reveal a secret.

(There are occasions of urgent necessity for public or private good where a secret can be told – like one tells the police that Sam is going to break into a house and steal something…or Jack is going to commit suicide etc --but simply being married is not one of them–unless again one asks etc to make it known to the spouse)

(Also as to parents of young children – it would seem to me at the moment that there would not be secrets between spouses generally in regards to their small children – I doubt it is like little Johnny can likely say “Mom that is a natural secret so you will sin if you tell Dad” … (sorry kids)

The Theologian Fr. John Hardon explains (or rather defines for us):

Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=36360

Natural Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=35065

Promised Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=35835

Entrusted Secret: catholicreference.net/index.cfm?id=33336

And the very very important Seal of Confession (which yes even the wives of Priests may not violate)

 

[Anglewannabe]

It isn’t a matter of being “loose lipped” so much as it is failing to see a reason why he can’t know or why I should guard information from him.

The reason is VERY simple. There are certain things that accomplish NOTHING for your husband (like who a 12 year old has a crush on) yet can do a lot of harm to others (like a 12 year old’s secret coming out)

 

[Anglewannabe]

. Spousal privileges are a divine reality of marriage.

.

100% agree. However, I also think God expects us to be charitable and not tell our spouses other’s personal info

 

[Kensho]

This is getting a little ridiculous.

Either you and your spouse are the type to share everything you hear from other people, or you are not.

There’s nothing wrong with either of them. There is no right or wrong in this case. Let’s not pretend there is some sort of Church teaching on this too.

And as for the people who seem to be getting all huff and puff about what strangers on the internet say they tell their spouses… well… I’m not sure what to say to you.

You are welcome to disagree with us, of course, but we are discussing serious things on this thread, and sharing our views and why we have them. Why else have a discussion board if not to discuss? Your attitude is not helpful.

 

[Anglewannabe]

If someone, however, chooses to tell me something, and then orders me not to tell my husband, then I see this as rude - it has happened once to me with something that involved me and tangentially involved my husband and I did not appreciate it and I said I could not keep it from my husband, sorry.

.

If it involves your husband, of course you should tell him. I think the point us ‘closed mouth’ people are trying to make is if it does NOT affect your marriage in anyway, it isn’t nice to tell other people’s personal information to your spouse.

For example, if I was married and someone got a hair cut that in my opinion made them look ugly. I would NOT voice that to my husband because it is not nice. It is in no way personal because my husband probably saw the new hair cut himself. However, it is just not a nice thing to say about some. Same goes for some personal secrets. It is just not nice to repeat them

 

[Anglewannabe]

Let’s not pretend there is some sort of Church teaching on this too.

.

Their may not be a specific church teaching but definitely an indirect teaching to be charitable to others that this falls under

 

[Kensho]

If I am given the choice and if it is asked as an exception, rather than a rule, for particular reasons, and in a polite way, like the example you offered, then no, it’s not rude.

If someone, however, chooses to tell me something, and then orders me not to tell my husband, then I see this as rude - it has happened once to me with something that involved me and tangentially involved my husband and I did not appreciate it and I said I could not keep it from my husband, sorry.

See, I wasn’t even imagining a member of the opposite sex confiding in me - most of my close friends are male and wouldn’t even be sharing stuff like this with me. If a female friend had a gynecological issue she’d want to discuss with me, I really don’t think that I’d feel the need to share this with my husband or that he’d be interested.

A female friend did actually visit us both a while ago and told us about her cervical cancer scare and surgery. My husband was, of course, discreetly gentle and supportive, and completely unabashed, as he always is with my friends. He’s just that type of guy.

Well okay. The fact that you have mostly close male friends puts a different spin on things. I have mostly male friends myself, but we don’t share much personal stuff – mostly we talk about books and music, that sort of thing. I love it that we don’t talk much about people.

 

[Wampa]

As much as I agree with NOT telling your wife, I disagree with your reasoning. The other reason to keep your friends secret is he is obviously hurt, needs help and wants to change. He needs to talk. How can he talk if he knows women will find out about this embarrassing problem.

The only time spouses SHOULD tell each other something is when it affects them. How is some guy trying to get over a porn addiction going to affect his buddies marriage???

I quite heartily agree with your additional reason. Since I made this up as an example, I don’t know have details around it, but if it were true, we would have made clear during our conversation what the expectations were. Either he would have asked me not to share it with her, or I’d have offered that option. Again, communication is the key. If my friend doesn’t want it shared with her due to his embarrassment, trust me, we will make that clear and I won’t say anything. Part of my discernment in spousal sharing is the effect on my friend, as well.

The fact that you think he’d be embarrassed by a woman finding out (and you’re right) is the flip side of the coin to the fact that my wife would struggle with the knowledge. One reality actually leads to both reasons.

 

[Debora123]

You are welcome to disagree with us, of course, but we are discussing serious things on this thread, and sharing our views and why we have them. Why else have a discussion board if not to discuss? Your attitude is not helpful.

I don’t mind discussion. I just don’t like when people try to make it seem like there’s some sort of moral right/wrong or some sort of Church teaching, when there isn’t. It’s completely up to the couple, and that’s all there is to it.

 

[Debora123]

Their may not be a specific church teaching but definitely an indirect teaching to be charitable to others that this falls under

That is your own interpretation. Let’s not try to say here that the Church teaches (directly or indirectly) that people who tell their spouses everything are guilty of sin.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Why do some of you find it necessary to reveal personal details, of which your spouse has no right to know?

Let’s look at a scenario. My male friend is having “guy problems” and needs another man to talk to.

Option 1: My friend knows that I am trustworthy and I will not divulge his secrets to my wife except under the most extreme of circumstances. Result: He is more likely to seek my counsel.

Option 2: My friend knows that I would be willing to tell my wife anything and everything, even if it’s something involving embarrassing personal details. Result: He is less likely to seek my counsel.

The benefits of withholding the secret are immense: my friend trusts me to keep his personal information personal, so he gets the support he needs. The benefits of sharing a secret that my wife has no business knowing are miniscule. Frankly, I don’t see any gain at all. I see the potential for harm. Harm to my friend who cannot trust me and even harm to myself and my wife for, perhaps, engaging in gossip.

So why does anyone feel the need to share secrets with their spouse which may be detrimental to their friends and of no benefit to their spouse?

 

[Baelor]

That is your own interpretation. Let’s not try to say here that the Church teaches (directly or indirectly) that people who tell their spouses everything are guilty of sin.

That is fine. What is a sin is to lie to someone by agreeing not to tell anyone a secret (with caveats like safety) and then telling someone, like a spouse.

 

[Wampa]

I think I will take leave of this thread. As I mentioned earlier, this doesn’t need to be a black and white, extreme choice, yet many seem intent on that, so I guess I don’t see the point in further discussion if there’s no room for a middle ground.

VeritasLuxMea, I select Option 3: my close friends fully understand my relationship with my wife. They also know that, if they would like me to withhold something specific from her for good reason (which is the case a minority of the time), I will do so. Therefore, they are not less likely to confide in me.

Even if they don’t ask me, I won’t share something that harms them with no benefit to anyone. Discernment in every situation. Black and white approaches of Never! or Always! are sub-optimal here.

 

[Anglewannabe]

The fact that you think he’d be embarrassed by a woman finding out (and you’re right) is the flip side of the coin to the fact that my wife would struggle with the knowledge. One reality actually leads to both reasons.

Don’t underestimate us women. We love when men are strong enough to say ‘yes, we are the problem and should learn to respect women’

Not saying men are the problem to everything

 

[Anglewannabe]

That is your own interpretation. Let’s not try to say here that the Church teaches (directly or indirectly) that people who tell their spouses everything are guilty of sin.

Ok, here is a situation. A woman goes into a lingerie shop. See’s her husband’s secretary and walks over to say ‘hi’ from behind and the secretary does not see her. The sales lady asks ‘what size bra would you like to try on’. As the woman approaches she over hears the secretary tell her size.

Are you saying that because it is your husband, there is nothing wrong with you telling him his secretaries bra size??? That is very uncharitable, goes against ‘treat others like you want to be treated’ (because after all, only a nut would be ok being treated like that) and a venial sin.

Not to mention it is a well know fact married people like to keep their friends and sometimes go out with out there spouse. Anyone who has a marriage where they tell their husband someone else’s bra size has a very sad marriage. So the point is, there are some things you just don’t tell your spouse. Case closed

 

[Anglewannabe]

That is your own interpretation. Let’s not try to say here that the Church teaches (directly or indirectly) that people who tell their spouses everything are guilty of sin.

One last though, if you don’t want to say there are no church teachings, that is your right. It is my right to say there are some indirect ones

 

[LilyM]

That is your own interpretation. Let’s not try to say here that the Church teaches (directly or indirectly) that people who tell their spouses everything are guilty of sin.

You might want to read up on the sin of detraction:
newadvent.org/cathen/04757a.htm

Note that there is no exception to the rule (that one should generally not reveal the faults of another to a third party and that to do so may be sinful) for communications between spouses.

You may tell your husband that this acquaintance is an alcoholic or that one has just had an abortion and trust him not to TREAT that person differently or reveal what he knows, but he will certainly THINK of that person differently - and quite possibly worse - than if he did not know of that fault.

 

[Debora123]

Ok, here is a situation. A woman goes into a lingerie shop. See’s her husband’s secretary and walks over to say ‘hi’ from behind and the secretary does not see her. The sales lady asks ‘what size bra would you like to try on’. As the woman approaches she over hears the secretary tell her size.

Are you saying that because it is your husband, there is nothing wrong with you telling him his secretaries bra size??? That is very uncharitable, goes against ‘treat others like you want to be treated’ (because after all, only a nut would be ok being treated like that) and a venial sin.

Not to mention it is a well know fact married people like to keep their friends and sometimes go out with out there spouse. Anyone who has a marriage where they tell their husband someone else’s bra size has a very sad marriage. So the point is, there are some things you just don’t tell your spouse. Case closed

Why in the world would I even care about someone else’s bra size?

No, I wouldn’t tell my husband about someone else’s bra size, I probably wouldn’t even remember it myself because I don’t see why anyone would even care.

However, if someone told me a secret or told me about something that was going on in their life, yeah, I’d probably talk about it with my husband. (Bra size or shirt size or pant size or whatever, doesn’t really fall into that category.) That’s just the type of relationship we have… we talk, about everything. Maybe you do it differently, and that’s fine too. There is no right or wrong here.

 

[Baelor]

However, if someone told me a secret or told me about something that was going on in their life, yeah, I’d probably talk about it with my husband. (Bra size or shirt size or pant size or whatever, doesn’t really fall into that category.) That’s just the type of relationship we have… we talk, about everything. Maybe you do it differently, and that’s fine too. There is no right or wrong here.

The topic of this thread is not about whether sharing “everything” between spouses is permissible. It refers specifically to secrets.

There IS right or wrong in the topic of the thread: it is impermissible to lie to someone by agreeing to keep a secret while intending to share it with one’s spouse. You cannot agree to tell no one and then tell your spouse; that is simply lying (extreme circumstances notwithstanding).

 

[Debora123]

The topic of this thread is not about whether sharing “everything” between spouses is permissible. It refers specifically to secrets.

Well when I say “everything” you can go ahead and assume I mean secrets as well.

There IS right or wrong in the topic of the thread: it is impermissible to lie to someone by agreeing to keep a secret while intending to share it with one’s spouse. You cannot agree to tell no one and then tell your spouse; that is simply lying (extreme circumstances notwithstanding).

I don’t see it as a lie though. When I tell my married friends secrets and tell them not to tell other people, I always assume they’ll tell their husband. I never felt it was my place to tell someone to keep something from their own spouse, because I see them as one. Likewise, when someone tells me a secret I always assume they know Imay share with my own husband.

Honestly, I never even thought about any of this before. What goes on between man and wife is their business, and it never even crossed my mind that others might feel otherwise in this case.