Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[JackieMom]

And I’ve never been explicitly told not to tell my husband something. My friends will usually say, “This is between us, but of course you can tell John…” Whenever I tell a friend not to tell a “secret” I assume they will tell their husband! I’d never ask someone to keep anything from their spouse.

 

[Debora123]

And I’ve never been explicitly told not to tell my husband something. My friends will usually say, “This is between us, but of course you can tell John…” Whenever I tell a friend not to tell a “secret” I assume they will tell their husband! I’d never ask someone to keep anything from their spouse.

Same here.

 

[Nechasin]

I only read the first page, but thought I would throw a male’s perspective out there. I’ve told my friends and my wife has told her friends that we potentially share everything. That doesn’t mean I run to my wife and tell her a secret as soon as I know it, but I also won’t intentionally hide something from her.

 

[LilyM]

As a lawyer there are things I absolutely would not be able to tell anyone - client privilege and all that. So I’ve never had the expectation that I would be able to tell everything. I’ve never been a massive chatterer in any case.

It would depend on whether the secret pertained to my spouse, whether he would care or want to know about it, that sort of thing. Also whether he could be trusted not to spread ot himself (some men are gossips too).

Even then, I would make very clear at the time the secret was being revealed, if not before, that I might or would have to tell him.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I referred to my hurt when, as an adolescent, I shared a secret with a married woman who was a mentor to me and I found out she had told her husband. She and her husband were leaders of my youth group, and I told her that I had a crush on one of the boys. Silly, right? From the point of view of an adult, I don’t see it as any big deal that her husband knew. But I was 12 then! It embarrassed and hurt me. And even as an adult looking at it from an adult point of view, I still say that there was no reason her husband needed to know about a nice litle girl’s crush on a nice boy her own age.

.

I agree with you. Just because it is cute to an adult, does not change the fact a 12 year old has feelings that deserve to be respected. How can kids grow up to make smart dating choices when their puppy love is being made fun of. I actually know a lot of girls who the day they got their period, their mom called half the town to tell them. I guess the mom was proud but the girl was embarrassed. Most of these girls didn’t believe me when I said my mom didn’t even tell my dad.

I think this is one issue where there will always be people on the opposite side of the coin. And chances are the ones who do NOT tell their spouse everything will become close with each other and the ones who DO will be close with themselves. It is just having things in common theory

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Whether I share something with my wife depends on the situation. If it’s something insignificant I tend to forget it and not bring it up. Other things I discuss with her because I either want her (name removed by moderator)ut or need a sounding board in order to determine if it’s something I should take action on. Typically, if someone asks me if I’m going to tell my wife before they tell me something, I tell them there’s a good chance I will. From a Catholic perspective, if we become one flesh in God’s eyes, then confiding in our spouses should come naturally.

At the same time, though, I do use discretion. There are secrets and other information I know about some friends that would destroy their marriages if their spouses found out. Those are things I keep to myself, although I’ve occasionally altered names and details in a discussion to make a point or get my wife’s take on a situation. For the record, I don’t believe my wife would do anything with this information, but I don’t see any value in potentially ruining her opinion of these people.

 

[Kensho]

I agree with you. Just because it is cute to an adult, does not change the fact a 12 year old has feelings that deserve to be respected. How can kids grow up to make smart dating choices when their puppy love is being made fun of. I actually know a lot of girls who the day they got their period, their mom called half the town to tell them. I guess the mom was proud but the girl was embarrassed. Most of these girls didn’t believe me when I said my mom didn’t even tell my dad.

I think this is one issue where there will always be people on the opposite side of the coin. And chances are the ones who do NOT tell their spouse everything will become close with each other and the ones who DO will be close with themselves. It is just having things in common theory

To be fair, I doubt my older friend made fun of me with her husband, and he was not the sort of man to tolerate that. They were very nice people. But you know how young girls are, how private they are and how easily embarrassed and how mortifying to them it would be if a male knew girly things about them.

I don’t know about the closeness. Now that you mention it, I’m closer to my husband because I can cry in front of him and tell him the terribly personal things that are eating me alive and trust him not to say anything about it, but I don’t have any real close women friends because I don’t trust women in general. Oh, wait – I do have a close woman friend, but she’s determinedly single. Coincidence?

Two or three people have mentioned that they may tell their spouses someone else’s story with the names changed in order to get the spouse’s take on it or to make a point. I don’t think that counts as sharing other’s secrets, as long as it is unlikely that the people in the story will be identified. I would not mind someone using my personal stories in that way.

I wonder if personality type has anything to do with this? I am an introvert and fiercely private. I tend to be quiet and reserved and it can be like pulling teeth to get anything personal out of me anyway (which is one reason why it hurts so much to know that something I shared with great difficulty was easily passed along to someone else). I also assume that my husband isn’t going to be interested in most of the things other women tell me. The things I mention to him will be along the lines of So-and-so’s husband had an accident and broke his leg, So-and-so is going to have another baby, etc.

 

[doitram]

Ok, so I have a question and I really, really wish that a few of the regulars weren’t out for Lent right now, but anyway:

Do you tell your spouse things that other people (friends and relatives) in confidence? Or do you expect that they know that when confiding in you they are also confiding in your spouse? If your spouse asked you what so and so said would you tell them or explain that it’s personal and you can’t share? Would you be mad if you thought that someone was telling your secrets to their spouse?

I’m just asking out of curiosity. I have never had this issue come up in real life and I don’t foresee it being an issue. I just wondered what the thoughts on it were because it seems like an interesting question.

For us personally we tell each other everything. If a friend or family member tells one of us something the other knows it right away. I guess for lack of a better word it’s gossip, but we’ve pretty much always been that way. When I tell a married or otherwise very committed friend something I always assume it goes without saying that they will tell their partner, but that it will go no further.

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[PatriceA]

To be fair, I doubt my older friend made fun of me with her husband, and he was not the sort of man to tolerate that. They were very nice people. But you know how young girls are, how private they are and how easily embarrassed and how mortifying to them it would be if a male knew girly things about them.

I don’t know about the closeness. Now that you mention it, I’m closer to my husband because I can cry in front of him and tell him the terribly personal things that are eating me alive and trust him not to say anything about it, but I don’t have any real close women friends because I don’t trust women in general. Oh, wait – I do have a close woman friend, but she’s determinedly single. Coincidence?

Two or three people have mentioned that they may tell their spouses someone else’s story with the names changed in order to get the spouse’s take on it or to make a point. I don’t think that counts as sharing other’s secrets, as long as it is unlikely that the people in the story will be identified. I would not mind someone using my personal stories in that way.

I wonder if personality type has anything to do with this? I am an introvert and fiercely private. I tend to be quiet and reserved and it can be like pulling teeth to get anything personal out of me anyway (which is one reason why it hurts so much to know that something I shared with great difficulty was easily passed along to someone else). I also assume that my husband isn’t going to be interested in most of the things other women tell me. The things I mention to him will be along the lines of So-and-so’s husband had an accident and broke his leg, So-and-so is going to have another baby, etc.

To look at the crush situation from a different point of view, if the older couple were the leaders of your youth group, the wife may have felt she had to share the information with the other leader which just happened to be her husband. Perhaps they didn’t trust the boy you liked and she wanted her husband to be aware so he could keep tabs on the boy whenever he was around you. She could have been looking out for your best interests, even though it hurt you that she revealed your secret.

I am sorry though that it hurt you so much.

 

[Aggies08]

yes, but I make it VERY clear I won’t “keep” anything from my spouse if a convo is heading that way.

Now, if my friend tells me something trivial, naw, but I do not deliberately keep information from DH “Don’t tell your DH, but… etc” I certainly don’t share every mundane little detail/information that comes my way, though.

I also assume anything I tell my friends they share with their spouses as well.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I hide nothing from my spouse. However, there are things I can think of that I haven’t discussed with her. They tend to be things that occurred before I met her, involving people she probably doesn’t know, and deal with the disturbing subjects (e.g., cheating, abortions, etc. ) of others. I don’t see the need to bring such subject’s up, would feel uncomfortable doing so, and for the most part are things I didn’t really want to know about in the first place. But if she asked and really wanted to know, I would not hesitate to tell her.

 

[maltmom]

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SÃn giao d?ch dang tin mua bán mi?n phà tr?c tuy?n, noi B?n có th? dang tin bán, mua, tìm ki?m, vi?c lÃ*m, giáo d?c, cu?c s?ng ngay trên

Reported

 

[Debora123]

Reported

What was that anyway?

 

[Allegra]

Yeah that’s another thing I might not tell… If someone said something unflattering about my spouse I’d probably keep it to myself.

Me too. Although I have a hard time imagining anyone being dumb enough to talk trash on my own husband to me. On the other hand, if the person is talking trash, they often want you to repeat it to the person, but just in a way so that they don’t know who the complaint is coming from.

 

[Allegra]

Women talk too much. And I say that as a woman.

NO, I absolutely do not share with my husband things that were told to me in confidence, with rare exceptions where he might actually need to know. Telling someone else’s secrets without very good reason is gossip, no matter who you’re telling them to – and “but he’s my husband!” is not a good reason. Why on earth does a man need to know all the dirty laundry in his wife’s friends’ lives?

But I assume most women can’t keep their traps shut, so when I confide in them – which is very seldom, BECAUSE in my experience most of them refuse to zip it – I assume that they will tell their husbands, so I don’t tell them anything I don’t want their husbands to know. Which more often than not means I have no other women to talk to about anything that is troubling me.

Discretion goes both ways, too. My husband also talks too much. There have been times when I have refused to listen when he tried to tell me something about a friend who I also know. Like, “Paul and his wife have been having problems – well, I guess it’s okay to tell you that --” and I cut him off and said, “No, it doesn’t sound like it’s okay to tell or something I need to know.”

There is no reason to talk about our friends nine out of ten times. How does it help? What are the real motives behind it? I’ll never forget my hurt when I first found out as a young girl that a married woman friend I looked up to had shared one of my stupid teenaged secrets with her husband, and I vowed I’d never do anything like that.

If a couple you both know is having a hard time, it would be beneficial for your husband to tell you so that you can both pray for the couple. He doesn’t have to tell you any of the details.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t know about the closeness.

Maybe I was unclear about the closeness thing. What I mean is we tend to be friends with people who have things in common with us. So if two women totally understand telling their husbands everything, they will become friends. If two women totally understand NOT telling your husband something they will become friends. But if one woman tells her husband everything and the other one doesn’t, then chances are they will not become close friends.

Come to think of it, I had a boyfriend who use to tell me way too much about his buddies. Once he told me a married friend of his went out and had a lap dance. Well… I no longer cared to be around that guy. My BF didn’t get t it. I kept trying to explain ‘If you want me to like your friends, you don’t seriously think this is the way to do it’

 

[Kensho]

To look at the crush situation from a different point of view, if the older couple were the leaders of your youth group, the wife may have felt she had to share the information with the other leader which just happened to be her husband. Perhaps they didn’t trust the boy you liked and she wanted her husband to be aware so he could keep tabs on the boy whenever he was around you. She could have been looking out for your best interests, even though it hurt you that she revealed your secret.

I am sorry though that it hurt you so much.

Ah, blood under the bridge, as I always say. However, although the above scenario would have been justified, that is not what happened. I can’t remember how it came out that my friend had told her husband, only that it popped out casually in conversation and when I expressed dismay that she had told because “I told you it was a secret!”, she said, “But you’re not supposed to keep your secrets from your husband!”

But it was my secret.

Look, I don’t think anyone is bad for thinking she needs to tell her husband everything in order to be a good wife, but I do believe it is flawed reasoning. Also that when you share secrets, the fact that you have done so tends to get out and cause hurt that was completely needless.

 

[Kensho]

If a couple you both know is having a hard time, it would be beneficial for your husband to tell you so that you can both pray for the couple. He doesn’t have to tell you any of the details.

I completely agree with you, but what was probably unclear from the quote I gave above is that my husband was hesitating, trying to find the words to give me details about a story that was clearly long and disturbing. He let slip enough before I could stop him that I knew it had to do with extramarital affairs. He was not telling me so that I could pray, but because he just talks (not in an unkind way, he just doesn’t think before he speaks). If he had wanted me to pray, it would have been enough to say, “I can’t give you the details, but Paul and his wife are having serious problems. Please pray for them.”

I think that those of us on different sides of this issue may be misunderstanding each other. There is nothing wrong with discreetly, respectfully telling a spouse something on a need to know basis, or with saying that somebody is having personal problems and needs prayer, or using someone’s story as an example while leaving out identifying details. Where we seem to be disagreeing is that some people think that in order to honor their marriage vows, they are obligated to tell their husband their friends’ secrets if it comes up in conversation. I don’t need to know whose girlfriend had an abortion in the past, who had an affair, who is struggling with erectile dysfunction. There are things that might be shared with an intimate same-sex friend that should not be shared with a member of the opposite sex, such as the story I told above about my male friend’s struggle with pornography. To me this has to do with modesty, but also with the Catholic principle taught to me years ago by a priest in the confessional: People have a right to enjoy a good reputation unless there is a serious reason to deprive them of it.

 

[Kensho]

Maybe I was unclear about the closeness thing. What I mean is we tend to be friends with people who have things in common with us. So if two women totally understand telling their husbands everything, they will become friends. If two women totally understand NOT telling your husband something they will become friends. But if one woman tells her husband everything and the other one doesn’t, then chances are they will not become close friends.

Come to think of it, I had a boyfriend who use to tell me way too much about his buddies. Once he told me a married friend of his went out and had a lap dance. Well… I no longer cared to be around that guy. My BF didn’t get t it. I kept trying to explain ‘If you want me to like your friends, you don’t seriously think this is the way to do it’

Yes. YES, exactly. As I said above, there are things that members of the opposite sex should definitely not be told. I mean, getting a lap dance is wrong anyway, but men at least are likely to understand and not hate the guy, whereas we women find that so offensive and might find it hard to be pleasant to him.

 

[Anglewannabe]

. I can’t remember how it came out that my friend had told her husband, only that it popped out casually in conversation and when I expressed dismay that she had told because “I told you it was a secret!”, she said, “But you’re not supposed to keep your secrets from your husband!”

But it was my secret.

.

My hear bleeds for you because I have memories of adults saying things that mortified me. Also, it sounds like an excuse and this woman is trying to avoid her responsibilities.

Now had she said "I am sorry you are hurt and I should have made it clear before you told me that I tell my husband everything’, as much as I do not agree with her telling her husband everything, at least she would have warned you and considered your feelings