Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[Morwenna]

Absolutely not. When a friend shares something with me in confidence, it’s just that…in confidence. My best friend has told me a number of times that I have the tightest lips of anyone she knows. Husbands don’t need to know everything. I wouldn’t want my friends telling their husband the things I tell them in confidence.

My word is my bond. If I say I won’t tell anyone, I will take what you’ve told me to my grave. The only exception would be if someone told me they were going to kill themselves. Off the top of my head, that would be the only exception.

 

[Morwenna]

I am going to give some examples of how everyone can be hurt by the policy of always telling other people’s secrets to a spouse, or repeating what other people have said.

I referred to my hurt when, as an adolescent, I shared a secret with a married woman who was a mentor to me and I found out she had told her husband. She and her husband were leaders of my youth group, and I told her that I had a crush on one of the boys. Silly, right? From the point of view of an adult, I don’t see it as any big deal that her husband knew. But I was 12 then! It embarrassed and hurt me. And even as an adult looking at it from an adult point of view, I still say that there was no reason her husband needed to know about a nice litle girl’s crush on a nice boy her own age.

Then there was the time my husband came home and told me that he had found his good friend’s stash of online pornography. This man was also my friend, someone very dear to my heart although we were not close the way he and my husband were. I was horrified, and very angry to be told! I did not want to think of our friend that way. If I had found out something like that when I was younger and, like many young women, a bit self-righteous about men’s sexual sins, it would have completely altered my opinion of our friend for the worse, possibly even spoiled the friendship. Fortunately, at that time in my life it did not have that effect and I felt only compassion for him, but I was humiliated for him, too. I felt sort of the way I might have felt if I had walked in on him in bed with a girl.

Then there was the season in my marriage when my husband’s behavior toward me was wrong and causing me a great deal of pain. I longed to confide in a particular woman friend, if only so she could understand my obvious sadness. I did not because I was afraid she would tell her husband. Now, I really like her husband and think the world of him, and if it had been my intimate secret alone that I was sharing, I wouldn’t have minded him knowing it. But he was friends with my husband, and however hurt I was by my husband’s behavior, I did not want him to be lowered in the eyes of his friends. So I never did tell that woman.

As for repeating negative things people say about a spouse: There is more at stake than hurting the spouse’s feelings. Relationships are destroyed that way! Most of us say petulant, hurtful things about other people sometimes – when we’re tired, in a bad mood, angry at the person, or just not thinking. A careless word spoken in a bad moment – an insult we might not even have meant, or something we might come to see as wrong – gets repeated, and it may not be forgotten. Not only could it hurt a sensitive person for a very long time, it could result in a fight out of proportion to the real intentions of the one who spoke carelessly. I know this because I am now, after two and a half years, attempting to repair relationships with in-laws that were almost completely destroyed by people saying things they shouldn’t have and not minding their business. My husband repeated hurtful words to me that led me first to mistrust his family, then to view all their actions and words through a haze of hurt feelings, and finally to cut off contact.

There are times when people start to tell us things and we should just cut them off and say no, I don’t need to hear this, it isn’t appropriate. No, you will not insult my wife to me. No – if you have a problem with my husband, you will talk to him about it, or to both of us together. No, if I need to know this secret, your friend should tell me himself, or tell you that he doesn’t mind you telling me.

Of course there are exceptions, but there is no obligation that I am aware of in scripture or Church tradition to reveal another person’s shame to your spouse in order to – what? Shoot the breeze? Try to get closer to your spouse by parsing other people’s intimate junk? Before saying anything, we really should – and none of us do this all the time, including me – ask ourselves, Why am I repeating this?

I look at it this way. My woman friends might be comfortable enough to change clothes in front of me, but I have no reason and no right to describe their bodies to my husband just because we share “everything”. Sharing another person’s intimate secrets without need is the emotional equivalent of talking about that person’s fat tummy, saggy breasts, or hysterectomy scar. I have no right to expose my friends’ imperfections, pain, and tender, intimate feelings.

The truth is that spouses *don’t *share everything. We wear different clothes, have different tastes, different memories, different feelings, and different souls, because although we are one flesh in some mystical sense, we are still different people who on Judgment Day will be judged as individuals.

Kensho, what an insightful, illuminating post. There is so much wisdom in what you’ve written here. I bolded one portion as it provides a much-needed counterpoint to a recurring theme on the thread … but I hope that everyone will take the time to read your entire post, not just the bolded portion.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this! :tiphat:

 

[Mangaartist]

I tell my husband much of what I hear, unless I’m asked specifically asked not to tell anyone. I have complete confidence in him, and it’s really difficult when I can’t tell him something. E.g. once I was in a closed election meeting where we were discussing candidates, he wasn’t there since he was running for a position. By the rules of the meeting I couldn’t talk about it to anyone who wasn’t in the room, ad it was really difficult, but I managed.

 

[Morwenna]

I am going to give some examples of how everyone can be hurt by the policy of always telling other people’s secrets to a spouse, or repeating what other people have said.

I referred to my hurt when, as an adolescent, I shared a secret with a married woman who was a mentor to me and I found out she had told her husband. She and her husband were leaders of my youth group, and I told her that I had a crush on one of the boys. Silly, right? From the point of view of an adult, I don’t see it as any big deal that her husband knew. But I was 12 then! It embarrassed and hurt me. And even as an adult looking at it from an adult point of view, I still say that there was no reason her husband needed to know about a nice litle girl’s crush on a nice boy her own age.

Then there was the time my husband came home and told me that he had found his good friend’s stash of online pornography. This man was also my friend, someone very dear to my heart although we were not close the way he and my husband were. I was horrified, and very angry to be told! I did not want to think of our friend that way. If I had found out something like that when I was younger and, like many young women, a bit self-righteous about men’s sexual sins, it would have completely altered my opinion of our friend for the worse, possibly even spoiled the friendship. Fortunately, at that time in my life it did not have that effect and I felt only compassion for him, but I was humiliated for him, too. I felt sort of the way I might have felt if I had walked in on him in bed with a girl.

Then there was the season in my marriage when my husband’s behavior toward me was wrong and causing me a great deal of pain. I longed to confide in a particular woman friend, if only so she could understand my obvious sadness. I did not because I was afraid she would tell her husband. Now, I really like her husband and think the world of him, and if it had been my intimate secret alone that I was sharing, I wouldn’t have minded him knowing it. But he was friends with my husband, and however hurt I was by my husband’s behavior, I did not want him to be lowered in the eyes of his friends. So I never did tell that woman.

As for repeating negative things people say about a spouse: There is more at stake than hurting the spouse’s feelings. Relationships are destroyed that way! Most of us say petulant, hurtful things about other people sometimes – when we’re tired, in a bad mood, angry at the person, or just not thinking. A careless word spoken in a bad moment – an insult we might not even have meant, or something we might come to see as wrong – gets repeated, and it may not be forgotten. Not only could it hurt a sensitive person for a very long time, it could result in a fight out of proportion to the real intentions of the one who spoke carelessly. I know this because I am now, after two and a half years, attempting to repair relationships with in-laws that were almost completely destroyed by people saying things they shouldn’t have and not minding their business. My husband repeated hurtful words to me that led me first to mistrust his family, then to view all their actions and words through a haze of hurt feelings, and finally to cut off contact.

There are times when people start to tell us things and we should just cut them off and say no, I don’t need to hear this, it isn’t appropriate. No, you will not insult my wife to me. No – if you have a problem with my husband, you will talk to him about it, or to both of us together. No, if I need to know this secret, your friend should tell me himself, or tell you that he doesn’t mind you telling me.

Of course there are exceptions, but there is no obligation that I am aware of in scripture or Church tradition to reveal another person’s shame to your spouse in order to – what? Shoot the breeze? Try to get closer to your spouse by parsing other people’s intimate junk? Before saying anything, we really should – and none of us do this all the time, including me – ask ourselves, Why am I repeating this?

I look at it this way. My woman friends might be comfortable enough to change clothes in front of me, but I have no reason and no right to describe their bodies to my husband just because we share “everything”. Sharing another person’s intimate secrets without need is the emotional equivalent of talking about that person’s fat tummy, saggy breasts, or hysterectomy scar. I have no right to expose my friends’ imperfections, pain, and tender, intimate feelings.

The truth is that spouses *don’t *share everything. We wear different clothes, have different tastes, different memories, different feelings, and different souls, because although we are one flesh in some mystical sense, we are still different people who on Judgment Day will be judged as individuals.

Kensho, what an insightful, illuminating post. There is so much wisdom in what you’ve written here. I bolded one portion as it provides a much-needed counterpoint to a recurring theme on the thread … but I hope that everyone will take the time to read your entire post, not just the bolded portion.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this! :tiphat:

 

[Kensho]

My hear bleeds for you because I have memories of adults saying things that mortified me. Also, it sounds like an excuse and this woman is trying to avoid her responsibilities.

Now had she said "I am sorry you are hurt and I should have made it clear before you told me that I tell my husband everything’, as much as I do not agree with her telling her husband everything, at least she would have warned you and considered your feelings

My loose-lipped friend was a boisterous, sporty extrovert, very bouncy and friendly and fun. My sister and I – both of us sensitive, keep-your-cards-close-to-your-chest introverted nerds – were mortified by her colorful sense of humor now and again. I really don’t think she meant anything by it, she just told her husband everything and it never occurred to her that a 12-year-old girl might not even have a concept of how women talk to their husbands.

But thank you for seeing why this was a significant incident for that 12-year-old girl. My ideas about men, women, and marriage were forming consciously at that time, and because I lacked a healthy example of all that at home, this small betrayal damaged me more than it would have otherwise.

 

[Kensho]

I tell my husband much of what I hear, unless I’m asked specifically asked not to tell anyone. I have complete confidence in him, and it’s really difficult when I can’t tell him something. E.g. once I was in a closed election meeting where we were discussing candidates, he wasn’t there since he was running for a position. By the rules of the meeting I couldn’t talk about it to anyone who wasn’t in the room, ad it was really difficult, but I managed.

I’m very impressed by this. You are close to your husband and comfortable talking to him, but you will honor others by keeping their secrets even if it means following rigid rules as above. The fact that it is difficult for you but you still give it your best indicates a virtuous woman! I think your husband is lucky.

 

[Kensho]

Kensho, what an insightful, illuminating post. There is so much wisdom in what you’ve written here. I bolded one portion as it provides a much-needed counterpoint to a recurring theme on the thread … but I hope that everyone will take the time to read your entire post, not just the bolded portion.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this! :tiphat:

And thank you for your kind words!

 

[kelvinf]

Absolutely not. When a friend shares something with me in confidence, it’s just that…in confidence. My best friend has told me a number of times that I have the tightest lips of anyone she knows. Husbands don’t need to know everything. I wouldn’t want my friends telling their husband the things I tell them in confidence.

My word is my bond. If I say I won’t tell anyone, I will take what you’ve told me to my grave. The only exception would be if someone told me they were going to kill themselves. Off the top of my head, that would be the only exception.

++

PS: I believe in marriage, there should be room for about 5% privacy.

 

[Wampa]

Another male perspective: as a general rule, I reserve the right to share anything with my wife and all of my close friends know that. If they don’t and they start telling me something in confidence, I will stop them and say “I generally share everything with my wife, so if you don’t want her to know this, either tell me right that now or don’t share this with me”. Likewise, I assume they may tell their wives anything and if I need my sharing to be kept from their wife, I will tell them in advance.

While I could share anything with her, there are many things I would not. Usually I consider the impact on her. Most of the things Kensho listed in post #41 I would not share. I would definitely never share unkind things others said about her, unless they were valid criticisms and something she needed to hear for her own personal improvement. Even if that were the case, I’d probably say “People have told me…” to give her the necessary info without endangering how she feels about the individual people. As Kensho referenced re pornography, my wife is someone who has a hard time not letting immoral secrets affect how she feels about a person. If a male friend confided in me about a problem with pornography (just as an example), I would help them and it wouldn’t change my view of them. I would never tell my wife, because she would struggle mightily to keep that from changing her friendship with them. All sharing that secret does is make my wife’s life harder, with no good done at all.

As an example, my best friend got divorced a few years ago. I might be the only person he told everything to. I made clear I might share any of it with my wife and he was fine with that (they are pretty good friends). As he gave me all of the reasons why the relationship failed, most were serious, but fairly innocuous things (things that wouldn’t change how outsiders feel about the people involved; like a mismatch in personality such as him being super-outgoing and event-hosting and her having a social anxiety condition). I shared all of those with my wife, knowing she would have no problem handling them and keeping them secret. However, there were two major events of a highly immoral nature re the ex-wife. Because I was unsure if the ex-wife would remain in our lives through mutual friends, I did not tell my wife, because, as Kensho said, it would have “completely altered [her] opinion of our friend for the worse, possibly even spoiled the friendship”. In fact, I’m not even sure my wife would have been able to put on a good show and act like things were OK when we saw her (as I am able to do), so why tell her?

I also have a scenario where one of my good friends and one of my wife’s good friends are divorced from each other. I don’t share any secrets he tells me that relate to his ex-wife, as I don’t think it’s fair to tell my wife those things and then ask her to hold that knowledge in and not tell her good friend.

 

[KnitNut]

As the wife of a 26-yr military man holding a Top Secret clearance, I’ve never had a problem with him having “secrets”, whether work-related or about any other topic. If I needed to know something, he always asked permission to share. Likewise, I never break the confidence I’m asked to keep. (I suppose if it was a life-or-death self-harm thing, I’d call the competent authority, etc.)

And candidly, all these comments by posters declaring “Of course I tell my spouse” is the reason I do not share personal “secrets” relevant to me/mine with anyone who doesn’t share the same integrity in safeguarding personal information. As they say, “loose lips sink ships.”

 

[Debora123]

As the wife of a 26-yr military man holding a Top Secret clearance, I’ve never had a problem with him having “secrets”, whether work-related or about any other topic. If I needed to know something, he always asked permission to share. Likewise, I never break the confidence I’m asked to keep. (I suppose if it was a life-or-death self-harm thing, I’d call the competent authority, etc.)

And candidly, all these comments by posters declaring “Of course I tell my spouse” is the reason I do not share personal “secrets” relevant to me/mine with anyone who doesn’t share the same integrity in safeguarding personal information. As they say, “loose lips sink ships.”

Lol wow that would never fly in our marriage.

 

[Kensho]

As the wife of a 26-yr military man holding a Top Secret clearance, I’ve never had a problem with him having “secrets”, whether work-related or about any other topic. If I needed to know something, he always asked permission to share. Likewise, I never break the confidence I’m asked to keep. (I suppose if it was a life-or-death self-harm thing, I’d call the competent authority, etc.)

And candidly, all these comments by posters declaring “Of course I tell my spouse” is the reason I do not share personal “secrets” relevant to me/mine with anyone who doesn’t share the same integrity in safeguarding personal information. As they say, “loose lips sink ships.”

Oh, you! I was waiting for someone to say “loose lips sink ships” and wondering if I were going to have to say it myself. Leave it to a military wife.

 

[LilyM]

Lol wow that would never fly in our marriage.

Yeah, it must be hysterically funny to the poor people who might actually mistakenly rely on you to keep a confidence and not expect that you’ll tell your husband.

Or who might actually want or even need to confide in you but can’t because you can’t be trusted to show discretion.

Sorry this will sound harsh, but I am currently having real problems with a family member who of all people I should be able to trust to keep secrets private, but who has blabbed often enough that I really cannot now tell her anything. It is a shame, because it would be a huge burden off my shoulders if I were able to do so.

 

[KnitNut]

Oh, you! I was waiting for someone to say “loose lips sink ships” and wondering if I were going to have to say it myself. Leave it to a military wife.

Actually, in this “social media” age, they often say, “Loose tweets sink fleets!” (You wouldn’t believe the security violations in public posts - Facebook, anyone? - by wives about their husbands’ units. It’s a miracle there hasn’t been a really serious incident…only a matter of time.) I guess you’d say we practice “family OPSEC” in my clan!

 

[LilyM]

Yeah, it must be hysterically funny to the poor people who might actually mistakenly rely on you to keep a confidence and not expect that you’ll tell your husband.

Or who might actually want or even need to confide in you but can’t because you can’t be trusted to show discretion.

Sorry this will sound harsh, but I am currently having real problems with a family member who of all people I should be able to trust to keep secrets private, but who has blabbed often enough that I really cannot tell her anything now. It is a shame, because it would be a huge burden off my shoulders if I were able to do so.

 

[Kensho]

Actually, in this “social media” age, they often say, “Loose tweets sink fleets!” (You wouldn’t believe the security violations in public posts - Facebook, anyone? - by wives about their husbands’ units. It’s a miracle there hasn’t been a really serious incident…only a matter of time.) I guess you’d say we practice “family OPSEC” in my clan!

Oh, I believe it, sister. Facebook makes people crazy. They think it’s not real life or something.

 

[Debora123]

Yeah, it must be hysterically funny to the poor people who might actually mistakenly rely on you to keep a confidence and not expect that you’ll tell your husband.

Or who might actually want or even need to confide in you but can’t because you can’t be trusted to show discretion.

Holy smokes dude, chill out.

Sorry this will sound harsh, but I am currently having real problems with a family member who of all people I should be able to trust to keep secrets private, but who has blabbed often enough that I really cannot now tell her anything. It is a shame, because it would be a huge burden off my shoulders if I were able to do so.

Ok that’s fine and all, but don’t take it out on me.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

If something has been shared with me in confidence, then I will never share that with my wife unless:

1. It involves something that puts me in such a grave moral dilemma that I simply must seek counsel in my primary confidant, which is my wife. To meet this criteria, it would have to be something so serious that my conscience could not be stilled on its own, without guidance from another. This has never happened and probably never will, and, if it did, it might involve the police before it involves my wife.
2. It involves something that, in my view, my wife has every right to know, regardless of the intentions of the teller. Such as concerns our children (we don’t have any yet, but if/when we do), or something that could perhaps put her in danger, etc. This has also never happened and probably never will, as any sane person who chose to tell me a secret like that would probably not expect it to be held in confidence in the first place.

If I do share a secret given to me in confidence and it does not match either criteria 1 or 2, then I have wronged and I will likely consider myself in need of confession.

 

[underacloud]

As a male…

I’m not sure this has ever really come up. I think like many on this thread there is a presumption of sharing, so if a friend tells one of us something they ought to assume it may be relayed to the other. But if a friend asked me to keep something in confidence, I’d probably do so, unless there was a compelling reason not to as VeritasLuxMea discussed. And I’d respect that my wife may do so, in order to help a friend through a difficult time.

There are things my wife has told me that I’d rather I didn’t know, but understand her need to have shared that load with me. Other times (not often) I’ve cut her off because what she was saying seemed to be more gossip than anything else.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

A lot of people are saying that they wouldn’t tell their spouse if someone said negative things about them. I think that one is obligated to tell a spouse when that happens. If someone was bashing my fiance I would absolutely let him know, as he has every right to know who is a good friend and who isn’t, and who he should stay away from. Just like he told me everything that his brother said and I was able initially reach out more hoping to make him feel better, and then decide that he wasn’t someone that we needed to be close to. He tried to undermine our family, and that to me is a need to know thing.

I also haven’t seen anything said on this thread that I wouldn’t tell him about. Now granted, he has far more discretion than most people and would never let on that he knew. I think that most of the people that feel the way I do see their spouses as a part of them, so it really isn’t a big deal to tell their literal other half about something.

As for the idea that hearing something might lower someone in my eyes, that’s also something I would want to know. FH knows that I do not like or respect people who commit cheat on their partners. I just don’t trust them. If they would do that to their spouses what would they do to me? If he found out that someone we knew was having an affair he would tell me so that I could make an informed decision about whether or not to spend time with or trust that person.

I would tell him if a 12 year old had a crush, but once again, he wouldn’t let on that he knew. If one of my friends was having “woman problems” and if those problems came up in conversation I would probably mention that so and so went through it. It just doesn’t occur to me to not mention things to him.