Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[Catholic_Wife]

I don’t tell my husband what others share with me in confidence, unless they give me permission to. I have asked a couple of times if someone minded me sharing what they’ve told me with my husband, but mainly for prayer purposes. This is probably why people seem to open up to me about personal things - they know I won’t tell anyone else.

I know not everyone shares my views about keeping confidences, so I don’t share anything with anyone else unless I want everyone to know about it.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

A lot of people are saying that they wouldn’t tell their spouse if someone said negative things about them. I think that one is obligated to tell a spouse when that happens. If someone was bashing my fiance I would absolutely let him know, as he has every right to know who is a good friend and who isn’t, and who he should stay away from.

I suppose someone could bash my wife, though I have never had it happen before. However, if they did, then I highly doubt that they would ask OR expect me to keep it from her. If they did, they would be crazy to think so… and I would never agree to do it.

So that, to me, is different…

I also haven’t seen anything said on this thread that I wouldn’t tell him about. Now granted, he has far more discretion than most people and would never let on that he knew. I think that most of the people that feel the way I do see their spouses as a part of them, so it really isn’t a big deal to tell their literal other half about something.

As for the idea that hearing something might lower someone in my eyes, that’s also something I would want to know. FH knows that I do not like or respect people who commit cheat on their partners. I just don’t trust them. If they would do that to their spouses what would they do to me? If he found out that someone we knew was having an affair he would tell me so that I could make an informed decision about whether or not to spend time with or trust that person.

I would tell him if a 12 year old had a crush, but once again, he wouldn’t let on that he knew. If one of my friends was having “woman problems” and if those problems came up in conversation I would probably mention that so and so went through it. It just doesn’t occur to me to not mention things to him.

What if you were specifically asked to hold something as secret? I mean if one of my friends was having “guy” problems and was leaning on me for support, there’s pretty much no way I would ever tell my wife about them. Even if he didn’t specifically ask me not to tell, I would just assume that it is not to be told. It is, frankly, none of my wife’s business. There’s no good reason for her to know it, and all I would be doing is violating a friend’s trust. I’m thankful that, similarly, I can trust a couple of my guy friends to do likewise… if it’s no one’s business but my own then I can guarantee that they support me without telling anyone, wives or otherwise…

I’ll give you an example… I had a friend that was having trouble with alcohol. I gave him some advice about where he could get help and told him that I would always be there if he needed a friend to talk to about it. I never told my wife this and I would never even dream of it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I suppose someone could bash my wife, though I have never had it happen before. However, if they did, then I highly doubt that they would ask OR expect me to keep it from her. If they did, they would be crazy to think so… and I would never agree to do it.

So that, to me, is different…

What if you were specifically asked to hold something as secret? I mean if one of my friends was having “guy” problems and was leaning on me for support, there’s pretty much no way I would ever tell my wife about them. Even if he didn’t specifically ask me not to tell, I would just assume that it is not to be told. It is, frankly, none of my wife’s business. There’s no good reason for her to know it, and all I would be doing is violating a friend’s trust. I’m thankful that, similarly, I can trust a couple of my guy friends to do likewise… if it’s no one’s business but my own then I can guarantee that they support me without telling anyone, wives or otherwise…

I’ll give you an example… I had a friend that was having trouble with alcohol. I gave him some advice about where he could get help and told him that I would always be there if he needed a friend to talk to about it. I never told my wife this and I would never even dream of it.

Without question. It wouldn’t be an “OMG you’ll never believe what Rick told me” thing, but I would mention it the next time Rick or alcohol came up. I would expect my friends to do the same. I don’t think that when it comes to “Don’t tell anyone” spouses count.

 

[7armyrugrats]

There have been many things in our marriage that we have not been able to share with each other. My husband also has Top Secret Security Clearance so most of his unit activities are off limits. I am told as much as necessary and I never ask for more than that. As for me, I tell him what he needs to know and leave it at that as well, especially during deployments. There is no way I can tell him everything that goes on at home–we talk about 30 minutes a few times a week if we are lucky–and that isn’t enough time to say more than a few words about each of the kids. If something needs to be said, we say it, if not we might write an email or letter about it. When he is home, we do share more with each other but it is still far from everything. Neither of us keeps secrets though. If something comes up or if either of us asks about something we are honest. There is no room for lies or deception in marriage. But neither of us is very nosey so rarely do we “gossip” about others. I do assume that anything I do or say in the presence of another person is NEVER truly private so I rarely share anything with anyone. Our marriage works for us but I realize most couples can’t (or WON’T) live like this. That is one reason the courts allow for spousal privilege. Most people have a hard time comprehending that you don’t have to share everything in order to avoid secrecy or deception.

 

[Litcrit]

Interesting question and interesting responses. I’m definitely in the yes category. I would and have shared many things with my husband that were private matters. I was taught by a very traditional priest that gossip doesn’t exist between husbands and wives (unless the sole reason for talking about someone is to bash them and derive pleasure from someone else’s pain).

We’re here too. It would just be strange and painful to keep anything I know and think and feel from my husband.

And I completely agree - this isn’t gossip. We don’t repeat anything to anyone else, ever. We don’t really judge others or gloat over problems. We share good secrets too, and they stay there - like someone planning to propose soon, but it’s still a secret.

OK, so if I understand, it is simply a style thing. For example, some people ask you to knock at the door and others prefer if you let yourself in. I get that, but in fairness to someone like me, it may be better to make the ‘unspoken’ rule, ‘spoken’

Angie

I have done this. I have told all close friends who share anything with me that I do talk to my husband about everything.

Only once has a friend told me something and then, remembering I talk to my husband, said “but don’t tell anyone this, not even your husband.” It was a silly secret, but I honored the veto and haven’t shared it.

Most have still told me their “secrets” as they like and respect my husband and trust him not to repeat any of it to anyone. He’s extremely private and tight-lipped - except with me.

My husband also tells me everything. For instance, he discovered - wasn’t even told, but discovered by accident - that a friend of his was cheating on his wife. This disturbed him and saddened him and I was the only person he discussed it with.

Yes, as a result, we’ve both lost a bit of respect for this friend, but it’s not like I see him from afar and scream “Sinner! How can I shake your hand now?”

The question of sharing others’ critical thoughts about your spouse is an interesting one. In my case, no one has yet said anything bad about my husband to me. I’m not sure a good friend or a trusted family member ever would. I think I’m with Blue Eyed Lady and I’d want to know where I stand with people close to my husband.

 

[LilyM]

Without question. It wouldn’t be an “OMG you’ll never believe what Rick told me” thing, but I would mention it the next time Rick or alcohol came up. I would expect my friends to do the same. I don’t think that when it comes to “Don’t tell anyone” spouses count.

See, to me that crosses the line. If I tell YOU something that serious it is because I want YOUR help, support, advice and so on. If I wanted both of you to know, I would tell both of you, or at least ask you to tell him or something.

I defintely don’t consider it my place to decide that when someone says ‘tell no-one’ to me, that they really mean something different, something other than literally tell NO one.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

Without question. It wouldn’t be an “OMG you’ll never believe what Rick told me” thing, but I would mention it the next time Rick or alcohol came up. I would expect my friends to do the same. ** I don’t think that when it comes to “Don’t tell anyone” spouses count**.

THIS is why I rarely confide in people. I have found that too many people (mainly women) who share with their spouse also have the above attitude when it comes to sharing with their mothers, sisters, best friends, etc. Things I’ve told people in confidence have gotten back to me because someone has told their husband, mother, sister, etc. who swore not to tell…

 

[Kensho]

THIS is why I rarely confide in people. I have found that too many people (mainly women) who share with their spouse also have the above attitude when it comes to sharing with their mothers, sisters, best friends, etc. Things I’ve told people in confidence have gotten back to me because someone has told their husband, mother, sister, etc. who swore not to tell…

That’s right. In my experience, the sort of women who automatically tell husbands are not going to carefully guard the secret from everyone else. Once you start making exceptions to the “don’t tell anyone” rule …

Yes, I know. Nobody on this thread is like that. I’m not accusing anyone here, I’m just saying what I’ve seen all my life – women whose main means of bonding is talking about other people, usually not in a way that could credibly be described as necessary or charitable.

But I’m seeing two separate issues being conflated: sharing secrets and repeating negative things someone said about a spouse. As I said, I think great harm can come from repeating negative statements (although there are times when it is appropriate to do it), but that’s not the same as sharing a secret. Both have to do with discretion and keeping custody of one’s tongue, but you could no more reasonably insult a man’s wife and expect him to keep a lid on it than you could tell him you murdered somebody and expect him not to call the police.

The thing is, though, I think if someone says negative things to you about your spouse, you should deal with it right there. Unless the criticism is justified, you should let that person know point blank that he is being inappropriate and you will not tolerate that kind of talk in your presence. And I probably would not keep a relationship with someone who did not respect that.

I also think that if someone is currently engaging in seriously immoral behavior that is going to affect other people – such as having an affair, or stealing, or abusing people – they have no right to expect secrecy. They should be exposed. Talking unnecessarily about bad things people did in the past and repented of, now that’s different.

 

[Litcrit]

THIS is why I rarely confide in people. I have found that too many people (mainly women) who share with their spouse also have the above attitude when it comes to sharing with their mothers, sisters, best friends, etc. Things I’ve told people in confidence have gotten back to me because someone has told their husband, mother, sister, etc. who swore not to tell…

I have never told anything (that wasn’t open and common knowledge) to anyone but my husband, and he has never EVER repeated anything to anyone else, and the other way around.

The only person I share everything with is my husband. When I confide in anyone else, I take it for granted that the person’s spouse (or even someone else they might be very close to) will probably also be told. I don’t presume to be closer to any of my friends than they are with their spouses, and the same goes for me.

 

[Wampa]

I feel like a lot of the answers here are really black and white on either extreme (never share a thing or share everything), when a middle ground approach satisfies the concerns of both sides, IMO. For example:

A lot of people are saying that they wouldn’t tell their spouse if someone said negative things about them. I think that one is obligated to tell a spouse when that happens. If someone was bashing my fiance I would absolutely let him know, as he has every right to know who is a good friend and who isn’t, and who he should stay away from.

I’ll give an example where I think this is a terrible idea: the person is wrong. I recently had a friend share an impression of my wife that was 100% incorrect. I immediately knew why he got the impression (he’s misreading some things that have happened recently). Why run off and tell my wife and make her feel bad when I can simply talk to my friend and disabuse him of his false notion? Many times people have opinions that are based on their own lack of knowledge and that is why I would only pass them on to my wife if I thought they had some merit and it would be helpful for her to know.

See, to me that crosses the line. If I tell YOU something that serious it is because I want YOUR help, support, advice and so on. If I wanted both of you to know, I would tell both of you, or at least ask you to tell him or something. ** I definitely don’t consider it my place to decide that when someone says ‘tell no-one’ to me, that they really mean something different, something other than literally tell NO one.**

My approach is to just clarify. Why do we have to do all this guessing about people’s intentions when we can talk about it? As I mentioned, all of my good friends know I may share with my wife, because we’ve talked about our approach to this issue. And if they don’t know and they start telling me something, I stop them and explain, giving them the option to be OK with, stop sharing with me, or ask me to make an exception and don’t say anything, all of which I am fine with.

I have often had the case where a friend starts to tell me something and says “Please don’t tell anyone this” and I stop them to clarify “Is it OK if I tell my wife?”. They usually reply with “Oh, well yes, obviously! I mean don’t tell any of our friends.” A little communication goes a long way to satisfy everyone’s needs.

 

[Kensho]

IThe only person I share everything with is my husband. When I confide in anyone else, I take it for granted that the person’s spouse (or even someone else they might be very close to) will probably also be told. I don’t presume to be closer to any of my friends than they are with their spouses, and the same goes for me.

Okay, first of all you seem to be saying here that not only is it okay to share someone else’s secrets with your spouse, it is okay to share them with other close friends. Is that what you are saying?

I am also confused as to why people keep on bringing up the closeness and superiority of the marital relationship as if that in itself justifies the sharing of others’ secrets. My husband doesn’t cease to be number one if I don’t share my friends’ private matters with him. His right to come first in my life doesn’t give him a right to personal information that doesn’t concern him.

 

[Litcrit]

My approach is to just clarify. Why do we have to do all this guessing about people’s intentions when we can talk about it? As I mentioned, all of my good friends know I may share with my wife, because we’ve talked about our approach to this issue. And if they don’t know and they start telling me something, I stop them and explain, giving them the option to be OK with, stop sharing with me, or ask me to make an exception and don’t say anything, all of which I am fine with.

I have often had the case where a friend starts to tell me something and says “Please don’t tell anyone this” and I stop them to clarify “Is it OK if I tell my wife?”. They usually reply with “Oh, well yes, obviously! I mean don’t tell any of our friends.” A little communication goes a long way to satisfy everyone’s needs.

Yes, this.

It has even happened to me that people explicitly wanted me to discuss something they tell me with my husband because they like him and respect him, but are not close enough with him to be having deep one-on-one conversations with him. My friends sometimes expressly ask me for my husband’s feedback on their issues.

I guess we also have different ideas of what it is that’s being shared. It doesn’t have to be negative at all or reflect negatively on anyone involved. I’m guessing most people who share with spouses and whose friends don’t mind the sharing are simply discerning things with the best of intentions, not complaining or gossiping or anything like that.

And even negative facts being shared doesn’t mean one is gossiping.

For instance, my husband’s teenaged cousin was pregnant. My husband told me and we instantly decided to do our best to be supportive and helpful as much as possible. Sadly, she decided to have an abortion, and my husband told me that. I prayed for her. When she shared this with me later, I was not taken aback and was able to calmly help her decide to go to Confession without revealing I had known anything prior to that.

 

[Litcrit]

Okay, first of all you seem to be saying here that not only is it okay to share someone else’s secrets with your spouse, it is okay to share them with other close friends. Is that what you are saying?

I am also confused as to why people keep on bringing up the closeness and superiority of the marital relationship as if that in itself justifies the sharing of others’ secrets. My husband doesn’t cease to be number one if I don’t share my friends’ private matters with him. His right to come first in my life doesn’t give him a right to personal information that doesn’t concern him.

No, that wasn’t what I was saying. I’m not sure how I managed to sound like I was saying that. I was saying the opposite - no matter how close I am to a friend, I don’t presume I can be closer to them than their spouse. And so I presume that anything I tell a married friend, male or female, can and probably will be shared with their spouse. I don’t mind that and I still talk to my friends about my stuff. I guess I don’t have many dark personal secrets.

My friends know and understand that my husband will probably know everything I know. I have explicitly told them this. This is normal to them.

Closeness in marriage for us means sharing what we think and feel and know. We are one and if we’re concerned about a friend we’ll talk about it with each other, like we think about it in our heads. It doesn’t mean we instantly report every detail of every conversation to each other. But if something about a friend or family member affects him emotionally and weighs on him, he’ll share it with me, and vice versa, and we’ll talk about it together.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

THIS is why I rarely confide in people. I have found that too many people (mainly women) who share with their spouse also have the above attitude when it comes to sharing with their mothers, sisters, best friends, etc. Things I’ve told people in confidence have gotten back to me because someone has told their husband, mother, sister, etc. who swore not to tell…

Nope. There is a reason that spousal privilege exists but maternal/best friend/sibling privilege does not.

It isn’t a matter of being “loose lipped” so much as it is failing to see a reason why he can’t know or why I should guard information from him.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

No, that wasn’t what I was saying. I’m not sure how I managed to sound like I was saying that. I was saying the opposite - no matter how close I am to a friend, I don’t presume I can be closer to them than their spouse. And so I presume that anything I tell a married friend, male or female, can and probably will be shared with their spouse. I don’t mind that and I still talk to my friends about my stuff. I guess I don’t have many dark personal secrets.

My friends know and understand that my husband will probably know everything I know. I have explicitly told them this. This is normal to them.

Closeness in marriage for us means sharing what we think and feel and know. We are one and if we’re concerned about a friend we’ll talk about it with each other, like we think about it in our heads. It doesn’t mean we instantly report every detail of every conversation to each other. But if something about a friend or family member affects him emotionally and weighs on him, he’ll share it with me, and vice versa, and we’ll talk about it together.

 

[KnitNut]

I am also confused as to why people keep on bringing up the closeness and superiority of the marital relationship as if that in itself justifies the sharing of others’ secrets. My husband doesn’t cease to be number one if I don’t share my friends’ private matters with him. His right to come first in my life doesn’t give him a right to personal information that doesn’t concern him.

Agree

Here’s a question for the collective…If someone came to you and said, “I’d like to talk with you about something personal, but I need to know you won’t repeat it to anyone, even your spouse…”, would you agree to keep the secret? Would you agree and tell anyway? Would you ask permission before sharing? Would you ask that they not continue & tell you because you “share everything” with the spouse? (Note - I’m not talking about “big dramatic stuff” like murder, or physical harm issues. Just garden variety stuff - medical issues, financial trouble, family crisis, etc.)

 

[Litcrit]

Agree

Here’s a question for the collective…If someone came to you and said, “I’d like to talk with you about something personal, but I need to know you won’t repeat it to anyone, even your spouse…”, would you agree to keep the secret? Would you agree and tell anyway? Would you ask permission before sharing? Would you ask that they not continue & tell you because you “share everything” with the spouse? (Note - I’m not talking about “big dramatic stuff” like murder, or physical harm issues. Just garden variety stuff - medical issues, financial trouble, family crisis, etc.)

I’d probably ask that they not tell me.

 

[PatriceA]

Agree

Here’s a question for the collective…If someone came to you and said, “I’d like to talk with you about something personal, but I need to know you won’t repeat it to anyone, even your spouse…”, would you agree to keep the secret? Would you agree and tell anyway? Would you ask permission before sharing? Would you ask that they not continue & tell you because you “share everything” with the spouse? (Note - I’m not talking about “big dramatic stuff” like murder, or physical harm issues. Just garden variety stuff - medical issues, financial trouble, family crisis, etc.)

I would ask them not to continue.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Agree

Here’s a question for the collective…If someone came to you and said, “I’d like to talk with you about something personal, but I need to know you won’t repeat it to anyone, even your spouse…”, would you agree to keep the secret? Would you agree and tell anyway? Would you ask permission before sharing? Would you ask that they not continue & tell you because you “share everything” with the spouse? (Note - I’m not talking about “big dramatic stuff” like murder, or physical harm issues. Just garden variety stuff - medical issues, financial trouble, family crisis, etc.)

If they told me not to tell anyone I would agree and still tell my fiance if it came up. If they told me not to tell anyone even him then I’d tell them they don’t have a right to make such a request and tell them not to continue.

 

[BettyBoop416]

Disclaimer - I haven’t read through all seven pages of this thread, so I apologize if I’m re-hashing stuff that has already been beat to death.

My husband is both a lawyer (secret client stuff) and a National Guard officer (secret military stuff). I’m sure there are lots of “secrets” that he doesn’t tell me. That’s how it should be and I’m perfectly fine with it. Beyond those obvious examples…neither he nor I go out of our way to keep secrets from each other. If a friend tells me something and doesn’t make it clear that that I should keep it to myself, I’ll probably tell my husband if I think he would be interested. If, however, someone made it clear that they were sharing some information that was to be held in confidence, I know how to keep my mouth shut.

If they told me not to tell anyone I would agree and still tell my fiance if it came up.

This, in my opinion, is terribly dishonest. To betray someone that way after agreeing to keep their confidence has got to be the most efficient way to lose friends I have ever heard of.