Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[Bookcat]

I have to ask… have you been following this conversation where people (with one possible exception) have not been advocating telling things to their husband that they have promised to keep a secret from him? If your friend gives you permission to tell your spouse how in the world is it wrong to tell your spouse? Its not. So please stop insinuating that people in general on this thread are advocating something immoral. If you have a problem with a particular poster then please respond to that particular poster, but by posting something in general you make it appear as though you believe it is the general consensus of people advocating sharing confidential information with their spouses to do so against the will of the person sharing this information with them. That is not at all the general consensus here.

No I cannot keep up with all the posts…

You will see though in my other post up above (too many I know for you to follow or for me!) that I *expressly *gave the example of “asking” the person if one can tell ones spouse. That such can be fine.

I am not intending to insinuate that people in general on this thread are advocating telling ones spouse others secrets …I often like to post though in a more general way (not only for those who post here but for those who just read the thread). To provide the theology of the matter. For people to see the moral principles and apply them.

I am very happy that so many are agreeing that secrets are secrets…even if your married.

 

[shipwrkd]

Actually its about friends AND spouses and how we communicate with them if you go back and reread the OP. And yes you did judge people that are posting in this thread and their marriages by assuming that since you don’t share as much with your spouse as some are saying they do, those that are sharing must not be as close to their spouse as they think they are.

Put any words you wish in my mouth, it’s not that important to me or my marriage. The only one that can judge a marriage are those living it. If I’ve posted words that offend, or perhaps make people think, I’m sorry. The topic just isn’t as volatile as some have made it.

Think I’ll go to one of the less emotional gun control threads

I am very happy that so many are agreeing that secrets are secrets…even if your married.

 

[Baelor]

Ok, I was wrong, there was one poster who advocated this. What is the point of bringing up the fact that I was wrong about this?

Just so you aware why some posters are responding the way they are.

Besides which fact, it is quite possible that just as when some people hear “don’t spread this around” they assume that their husband is an exception when some people hear “don’t tell anyone” they assume the other person has not excluded their husband. In which case it is not a matter of malice but of miscommunication, which is where the point about the importance for respect, charity, and communication comes in.

My earlier posts, and those of many others, have indicated the need to specify with the person who is included and who is not. It is sinful not to err on the side of caution and follow the explicit request. Assumptions in such a case, especially since they would run against what the person literally said, are morally unacceptable.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I said I would keep confidence if I were a doctor, since doing so is the law. Sooo what’s the problem?

If it wasn’t the law, then you wouldn’t?

Would you assume, as you do in other matters, that the patient’s medical condition(s) are to be shared with your husband? Would you make this expressly clear in advance of rendering your services? I believe you would be under an obligation to do so.

And yes, apparently we have different views on communication in marriages. At least I’m sitting here saying there is no right or wrong in this case, as opposed to a couple other posters who keep insisting their way is the only way.

All I have stated is that to lie or intentionally mislead someone is sinful. If you’re not doing that then our disagreement is one of personal taste.

By the way, it is a matter of great bemusement to me, this idea that, as Catholics, no one can possibly disagree with the behavior of another Catholic on ethical grounds unless the Church has specifically and unequivocally condemned that behavior. There are all sorts of issues in gray areas, so of course there are going to be differences of opinion. As long as one does not falsely claim the Church’s backing for a particular position, then they aren’t necessarily doing anything wrong in expressing strong moral reservations about an act.

 

[PatriceA]

Put any words you wish in my mouth, it’s not that important to me or my marriage. The only one that can judge a marriage are those living it. If I’ve posted words that offend, or perhaps make people think, I’m sorry. The topic just isn’t as volatile as some have made it.

Think I’ll go to one of the less emotional gun control threads

“IMHO, neither stand is healthy. Feeling the need to share everything shows a lack of trust in a marriage as does keeping everything a secret. A balanced marriage should involve sharing but it should also be strong enough to bear the weight of some secretiveness. Perhaps those that feel the need to share everything “as one” are not as close as they think.”

I didn’t type the above, you did. I didn’t put any words in your mouth.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You and your fiance are not married. You are not One. You are not One Flesh.

If being engaged gives you the right to tell someone’s deepest secrets, where does this end? Can I tell my roommate something told to me in confidence? Can I tell my co-workers? What about my dearest friend?

I can see how people might assume that a married couple will share secrets, but that’s because they are, well, married. United. One.

Engaged? Nope. You are not married, and ought not enjoy the benefits of being married. Until you are.

Well that’s another conversation entirely. But we live like a married couple, we are treated like a married couple, and thanks to a good lawyer and some paperwork we have as many of the legal responsibilities as a married couple. And in a couple of months we will be married. Anyone who confides in me has long since considered us married.

But, what I am getting out of this post is that you aren’t against married couples sharing everything. Am I correct?

 

[thewanderer]

Just so you aware why some posters are responding the way they are.

ok, thanks

My earlier posts, and those of many others, have indicated the need to specify with the person who is included and who is not. It is sinful not to err on the side of caution and follow the explicit request. Assumptions in such a case, especially since they would run against what the person literally said, are morally unacceptable.

Well, its not sinful if the person has no experience with people who would think that way and so has no possible way of even beginning to think that it might even be an issue. Then its just a lack of experience.

 

[Sarabande]

I haven’t read the entire thread, so excuse me if I repeat anything. I’m probably in the middle of things when it comes to sharing, as I am with practically everything in my life, so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me here. If a friend or family member specifically asks me not to share what they relayed to me to my husband, I would not say anything to him. The only time I would say something is if the secret was actually hurting our relationship and marriage or if I was afraid for the health and well-being of the friend/relative. Even though I have kept other people’s information confidential from my husband, I honestly hate doing it. It makes me feel dishonest because it’s usually information that forces me to basically lie in order to keep the secret a secret and not let on that there is anything amiss with my friend or family member. It’s not easy and when I’m finally allowed to say something to my husband, it is like a huge weight taken off my shoulders. I feel like Molly Gibson from “Wives and Daughters”. lol! That kind of request is not often, but I don’t really appreciate it when it’s made, but I will honour that request.

That said, most people I know believe that it is expected for spouses to share “secrets” with each other and that is why they will specifically ask each other not to tell their spouses when it is something they really don’t want the spouse to know. What usually happens when someone just does a general, “Don’t tell anyone,” the question is almost always followed by, “Is it alright if I tell (name of spouse)?” and the answer is always a “Yes.” In my circle of friends and family, “Don’t tell anyone” means, “No one, but your spouse.” The distinction is only made when they specify not even the spouse. So, I do think communication is key and what is accepted and known within the circle of friends and family. If you have developed a new relationship, whether by a new family member or friend, one should always check first what they feel most comfortable with and respect each others’ wishes. To me, that’s fair

 

[shipwrkd]

Since you’re so quick to make assumptions about people posting here and their marriages, why don’t you share what you expect in your friendships and marriage, if you are married. I don’t think I’ve seen you share how you communicate with your friends, how you protect their secrets… all I’ve seen you do is confront and judge other posters.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume that your one that needs to tell and know all with your spouse since you want to know so much about me…

But then, I’m one to make quick assumptions ** IMHO**

 

[PRmerger]

Well that’s another conversation entirely.

'Tis true, this.

But, what I am getting out of this post is that you aren’t against married couples sharing everything. Am I correct?

I can see both sides.

 

[PatriceA]

I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume that your one that needs to tell and know all with your spouse since you want to know so much about me…

But then, I’m one to make quick assumptions ** IMHO**

And I see you didn’t read the entire thread…I just like have a discussion with someone that likes to share their experiences, who likes to have a one-side conversation?

And I don’t NEED to tell and know all with my spouse. I don’t want to have secrets from him, and there is a difference.

 

[shipwrkd]

?And I don’t NEED to tell and know all with my spouse. I don’t want to have secrets from him, and there is a difference.

Now I’m confused. There’s a fine line between NEED and WANT and I’ve only lived with my wife 42 years so I’m not all the way through the manual yet. Come to think of it, I hope never to make it to the final page.

BTW, I do see opinions from you going both ways

 

[Baelor]

Well, its not sinful if the person has no experience with people who would think that way and so has no possible way of even beginning to think that it might even be an issue. Then its just a lack of experience.

But the person could justifiably say, “I said not to tell anyone. Why did you tell someone? Was I unclear in some way? Do you speak English?”

There is no legitimate response; the person agreed to something that was literally clear and then disregarded the agreement.

 

[ephesians4]

And I don’t NEED to tell and know all with my spouse. I don’t want to have secrets from him, and there is a difference.

 

[Rico_S]

But the person could justifiably say, “I said not to tell anyone. Why did you tell someone? Was I unclear in some way? Do you speak English?”

There is no legitimate response; the person agreed to something that was literally clear and then disregarded the agreement.

Are the sharers, save one, really claiming that they would explicitly agree to not tell anyone and then turn around and tell their spouses? I was under the impression if explicitly asked, most of the sharers would be up front and honest about the whole spouse thing. Am I wrong?

 

[Bookcat]

Some have expressed in one way or another a desire to not keep any secrets from ones spouse. (And I can understand wanting to share so much with ones spouse)

Well that is possible in some cases --such as for example where one is asked “will you keep what I am going to tell you a secret?” and one responds either no. And thus hears no more. Or one say – I would like to be able to tell my spouse is that ok? and if the person agrees then that may be a case where one can tell the secret.

But there are going to be other things in life that I would say one simply cannot tell ones spouse about (outside some particular exceptions in some cases --except the last one)

1. Natural Secrets --ie. if you find out that your coworker has say an embarrising problem with pornography.
2. Professional secrets (or other kinds of entrusted secrets)
3. Secrets already promised. (assuming the above that one will not promise more…)
4. Overhearing someone’s confession. Or being the translator of such. Or a Priest who is married – they of course are bound too by the seal of confession.

Persons have a right to have secrets to various extents -and we are bound in conscience to various degrees to respect such (see above for details: forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=10473754&postcount=340 )

 

[Baelor]

Are the sharers, save one, really claiming that they would explicitly agree to not tell anyone and then turn around and tell their spouses? I was under the impression if explicitly asked, most of the sharers would be up front and honest about the whole spouse thing. Am I wrong?

Again, at least one poster has said that she would tell her husband if the confider said “tell no one.”

“No one” means “no one” by default. You cannot agree to tell “no one” while intending to tell someone unless you have explicitly clarified that “no one” means “not no one.” One would be wrong to assume that someone who said “no one” means anything other than that without clarification, which is the responsibility of the person who intends to interpret that phrase as something different than what it actually means.

 

[Litcrit]

It doesn’t mean we’re practically foaming at the mouths to disclose all the details about our friends lives as soon as he opens his mouth to start a conversation. It just means for me at least, I don’t want to say I have to keep a secret from him.

Thank you for clarifying so well.

Are the sharers, save one, really claiming that they would explicitly agree to not tell anyone and then turn around and tell their spouses? I was under the impression if explicitly asked, most of the sharers would be up front and honest about the whole spouse thing. Am I wrong?

I think it would be fair for anyone desiring to confide in me to first warn me of that fact and give me the opportunity to ask “Can I tell my husband?” If the answer is no, then I would like to reserve the right to respectfully decline this secret.

If, however, someone decides to reveal something to me and then, as an afterthought, says I’m not allowed to tell anyone, no, not even my husband, I would abide by that (unless it was something he had the right to know because it concerned his welfare directly - and I would openly state this immediately). I would abide, but I would feel tricked and trapped.

 

[Rico_S]

Again, at least one poster has said that she would tell her husband if the confider said “tell no one.”.

Yes, but that poster was not thewanderer, whom you quoted when making your last post. So I am trying to figure out if you are still just hung up on that one poster, or is the general consensus that the “sharers” would in fact explicitly agree “to tell no one” and then tell their spouse.

 

[shipwrkd]

Are the sharers, save one, really claiming that they would explicitly agree to not tell anyone and then turn around and tell their spouses? I was under the impression if explicitly asked, most of the sharers would be up front and honest about the whole spouse thing. Am I wrong?

This should have been asked in a poll format, then we could have kept track. After 370 posts’ it’s hard to keep track of the players without a scorecard.