Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

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BlueEyedLady said:
I would totally be upfront about telling him everything. BUT, like I said, I have never made it a disclaimer because I thought everyone assumed that things were typically shared with spouses.

If someone asked him if I mentioned anything, I would expect him to keep our conversation private, and he would. He would either lie, give them an odd look and walk away, or tell them to talk to me. But once again, that has never come up.
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Exactly.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
It is true that if someone told me “don’t tell anyone” I would probably pass that information on to my fiance if a related subject came up or if I just felt the need to talk about it…I would never agree to not tell ‘Frank’ and then do so anyway. I would agree to not tell ‘anyone’ and then tell Frank, because like I said, up until 5 minutes before I created this thread it never occurred to me that anyone would expect someone to keep something from their spouse. I know that I certainly wouldn’t.
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Out of respect for others, could you stop doing this? If nothing else, this thread has made it clear that not everyone makes assumptions as you do.

If someone says “tell no one,” please assume that that means “tell no one” unless you clarify further.
 
shipwrkd said:
Oooh, kinda touchy. Did you fail to see the acronym IMHO Nope, not universal, not ordained and not a counselor. Just a guy that’s been around the block a few times. I’m glad there is nothing wrong with your marriage, Your welcome.
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It’s best not to openly state an opinion on something you know absolutely nothing about… ie- my marriage.
 
shipwrkd said:
Oooh, kinda touchy. Did you fail to see the acronym IMHO Nope, not universal, not ordained and not a counselor. Just a guy that’s been around the block a few times. I’m glad there is nothing wrong with your marriage, Your welcome.

From the OP
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Thoughts were asked for and I gave mine. If your’s differ, that’s OK but I must say that the guys on the emotional gun control threads are much more charitable then some are here. Sorry if I came across as insinuating anything, if you go back through my posts, you’d see that I feel it up to the individual couple…as long as their friends know the rules they’re playing by.

And even if neither party is guilty, one party may get hurt.
This sounds like the disclaimer after a newly introduced medicine.
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I actually think that with a few exceptions this thread has been very charitable.

Although I do think the assumption that because some people feel more comfortable opening up about everything to their spouses it means that they don’t trust them is a bit unfair.

I fail to see how telling FH that ‘Jack’ told me that him and ‘Jill’ are having marital problems and that ‘Amber’ told me that she’s been having trouble with alcohol mean that I don’t trust him. If anything that would indicate that I do.
 
Can I ask without upsetting everyone why you feel that you should share everything with your spouse? I mean no offense and I don’t think it is necessarily wrong. As I’ve said before I always assume whatever I say will be shared because I have noticed the majority of couples I know are like this. But never being in that type of marriage I’m not sure I can get it, if you know what I mean. I used to imagine I would share everything, but God had another type of relationship in His plans for me. I am so glad that He did, I’ve got a great husband and terrific marriage. It is still interesting to me and I would like to understand better though
 
7armyrugrats said:
Can I ask without upsetting everyone why you feel that you should share everything with your spouse? I mean no offense and I don’t think it is necessarily wrong. As I’ve said before I always assume whatever I say will be shared because I have noticed the majority of couples I know are like this. But never being in that type of marriage I’m not sure I can get it, if you know what I mean. I used to imagine I would share everything, but God had another type of relationship in His plans for me. I am so glad that He did, I’ve got a great husband and terrific marriage. It is still interesting to me and I would like to understand better though
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It isn’t necessarily a matter of “should” tell him everything. I don’t feel compelled to, or like I have to, or even like either of us would be angry with the other if we didn’t. I would never feel guilty if something just never came up or whatever. But I don’t feel like I should have to keep anything from him either. And I do like the freedom and openness of being in a relationship where I can say and share everything without worrying about anger, resentment, judgement, etc. I like not worrying about what I say, and I like that at the end of the day we do treat our lives as one.
 
7armyrugrats said:
Can I ask without upsetting everyone why you feel that you should share everything with your spouse? I mean no offense and I don’t think it is necessarily wrong. As I’ve said before I always assume whatever I say will be shared because I have noticed the majority of couples I know are like this. But never being in that type of marriage I’m not sure I can get it, if you know what I mean. I used to imagine I would share everything, but God had another type of relationship in His plans for me. I am so glad that He did, I’ve got a great husband and terrific marriage. It is still interesting to me and I would like to understand better though
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That question has been asked and answered to exhaustion throughout the course of this entire thread.

You really should take a look at some of the previous pages. TheWanderer in particular does a very good job explaining it, but I’m pretty sure the rest of us have all answered it too at some point.
 
Debora123 said:
It’s best not to openly state an opinion on something you know absolutely nothing about… ie- my marriage.
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If you read the post, it was in responds to Patrice (whom I’ve apologized to). I stated nothing nothing (that I can remember) directly to you so please don’t take it personally.:flowers:
 
BlueEyedLady said:
It isn’t necessarily a matter of “should” tell him everything. I don’t feel compelled to, or like I have to, or even like either of us would be angry with the other if we didn’t. I would never feel guilty if something just never came up or whatever. But I don’t feel like I should have to keep anything from him either. And I do like the freedom and openness of being in a relationship where I can say and share everything without worrying about anger, resentment, judgement, etc. I like not worrying about what I say, and I like that at the end of the day we do treat our lives as one.
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Thank you for your answer. Yes, I think many of us have great relationships, but different personalities and stages in life. I don’t think anyone is necessarily wrong, just different. These differences should be interesting and beautiful, not what divides us and apparently hurts feelings.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I actually think that with a few exceptions this thread has been very charitable.

Although I do think the assumption that because some people feel more comfortable opening up about everything to their spouses it means that they don’t trust them is a bit unfair.

I fail to see how telling FH that ‘Jack’ told me that him and ‘Jill’ are having marital problems and that ‘Amber’ told me that she’s been having trouble with alcohol mean that I don’t trust him. If anything that would indicate that I do.
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BlueEyedLady said:
I would totally be upfront about telling him everything. BUT, like I said, I have never made it a disclaimer because I thought everyone assumed that things were typically shared with spouses.
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Yes, I think so.

Case in point: while I was at a GNO with 11 other ladies I confided in one of my friends that I thought I was pregnant. After she stopped laughing (my oldest is 19. My youngest is 9), we talked a bit more until the rest of the ladies returned to the room.

Sure enough, that evening, her husband called up my husband to say, “Dude! What up??”

We all laughed together.

Point: I knew that she would run right home and tell her husband. That was fine with me.

🤷
 
PRmerger said:
Yes, I think so.

Case in point: while I was at a GNO with 11 other ladies I confided in one of my friends that I thought I was pregnant. After she stopped laughing (my oldest is 19. My youngest is 9), we talked a bit more until the rest of the ladies returned to the room.

Sure enough, that evening, her husband called up my husband to say, “Dude! What up??”

We all laughed together.

Point: I knew that she would run right home and tell her husband. That was fine with me.

🤷
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That’s nothing to laugh at. My brother just turned 18 when my mom found out she was pregnant with me…
 
PRmerger said:
Point: I knew that she would run right home and tell her husband. That was fine with me.

🤷
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Point: Not everyone has that assumption; now that those who were unaware are now aware, please bear that in mind – whether or not you are willing to hear the secret with the expectation of actual confidentiality.
 
shipwrkd said:
If you read the post, it was in responds to Patrice (whom I’ve apologized to). I stated nothing nothing (that I can remember) directly to you so please don’t take it personally.:flowers:
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I was referring to this post:
shipwrkd said:
IMHO, neither stand is healthy. Feeling the need to share everything shows a lack of trust in a marriage as does keeping everything a secret. A balanced marriage should involve sharing but it should also be strong enough to bear the weight of some secretiveness. Perhaps those that feel the need to share everything “as one” are not as close as they think.:twocents:
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BlueEyedLady said:
I actually think that with a few exceptions this thread has been very charitable.

Although I do think the assumption that because some people feel more comfortable opening up about everything to their spouses it means that they don’t trust them is a bit unfair.

I fail to see how telling FH that ‘Jack’ told me that him and ‘Jill’ are having marital problems and that ‘Amber’ told me that she’s been having trouble with alcohol mean that I don’t trust him. If anything that would indicate that I do.
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What I was really trying to get across is that there is trust involved at either side of the debate. You can trust your spouse and tell all or you can trust your spouse even if secrets are present. My wife and I have secrets from each other but we trust each other enough that those secrets don’t cause a problem. In fact, not knowing everything about her gives me something to learn about her if she ever decides to tell. Kinda like her walking into the room in a skimpy neglige instead of buck naked.:o
 
shipwrkd said:
I lost track, was this in responds to your post or Patrice’s?
If you took that personally I’m sorry. It was meant as a general thought provoking statement.
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It wasn’t in response to any post. It was just an isolated post you made a few pages back.
 
Baelor said:
I agree, but here the “completely different” meaning would be in complete contradiction to the actual statement. There is a difference between “Wait a minute” when one means “wait 47 seconds” and “tell no one” when one means “tell people.”

In one case, the expression is merely an exaggeration. In the other, it specifies an absolute state that cannot involve any exceptions. Those are very different.
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Do you also believe that if I say, very obviously sarcastically, that I would love to spend all day in, say, jury duty, I need to make sure to explain that I don’t really mean that I would love to spend all day in Jury, but in fact I mean not only something contradictory to the literal words that I am saying, but the exact opposite of them? It doesn’t matter what the actual literal words are, what matters is the expected understanding that they are conveying. If they have no reason to think their meaning would be misunderstood then they have no reason to clarify what they mean and in fact if they tried to do so more than a couple of times they would probably be asked to stop.
It is inconsiderate to assume that someone means something other than that without clarifying. “Tell no one” means “tell no one.” You can attempt to interpret it however you want, but it still means what it means at face value. In this case, it is negligent because someone could actually care about who knows, which should be obvious given the previous request for silence.
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Do you also believe it is inconsiderate to not explain each time you say something sarcastically that you actuallly mean something contrary to the literal meaning of the words?
Again, I am not denying the possibility of contextual inflections. If some phrase means something special to a group of persons, fine. They know what it means.

And yet it would be ridiculous to deny that the interpretation of “tell no one” as…“tell no one” is privileged over the interpretation of “tell no one” as “you can tell people.”

I am saying that there is a natural default that needs to be acknowledged; a rejection of it constitutes negligence and lack of consideration.
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Neither one is priviledged as such. If a person has been led to believe that a particular combination of sounds, such as “don’t tell anyone”, or “don’t spread this around” etc means don’t tell anyone except your spouse and has never been given any indication by anyone they have talked to, used this phrase with, or heard use this phrase that it might ever even possibly have another meaning then why in the world would it be wrong for them to not go out of their way to explain what the phrase means each time they say it?

Look, the problem here is that since you are coming at this from one set perspective you are having a really hard time seeing how anybody could ever not see it from your perspective, and so you are assuming that those who do not see it from your perspective are always being inconsiderate. That just simply is not true. 🤷
 
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