Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[aloe]

When I tell a married or otherwise very committed friend something I always assume it goes without saying that they will tell their partner, but that it will go no further.

Me too.

 

[LilyM]

So every time I am sarcastic, unless I make sure to make it very obvious sarcasm, I have to explain to others that I am being sarcastic because if I don’t I am being inconsiderate?

Sarcasm can also be an issue - much less so in face to face communication than online but certainly I have got into trouble a few times because I have a very deadpan delivery and no, not everyone ‘gets it’.

Difference is that you can tell when someone doesn’t get your sarcasm and explain that you meant something sarcastically with no harm done.

It’s not possible for a person who told you a secret on the understanding that you would literally tell no-one to take it back later if they find you have a different understanding. Nor for you to take your relaying of it to DFH back if it turns out they didn’t want him to be told. The milk, or in this case the beans, can’t be unspilled.

 

[shipwrkd]

Sarcasm can also be an issue - much less so in face to face communication than online but certainly I have got into trouble a few times because I have a very deadpan delivery and no, not everyone ‘gets it’.

Nawww…

The milk, or in this case the beans, can’t be unspilled.

Sometimes, if your quick enough, you can scrape most of em back in the can. Just don’t tell your husband when ya serve em.

 

[Debora123]

If it was an isolated post, why are you taking it personally?

Well, once again, because you said this:

IMHO, neither stand is healthy. Feeling the need to share everything shows a lack of trust in a marriage as does keeping everything a secret. A balanced marriage should involve sharing but it should also be strong enough to bear the weight of some secretiveness.** Perhaps those that feel the need to share everything “as one” are not as close as they think.**:twocents:

You were making a negative assumption about people who are open with their spouse about everything… and I am one of those people. So naturally I am going to respond to something like this.

 

[Baelor]

So every time I am sarcastic, unless I make sure to make it very obvious sarcasm, I have to explain to others that I am being sarcastic because if I don’t I am being inconsiderate?

Well, whether one should employ frequent sarcasm in general is certainly an arguable issue from a moral perspective.

I am totally deadpan and never use sarcasm in a situation where literal interpretation would lead to action that would greatly hurt someone or quickly reveal the joke because the people I know do assume that I am being serious.

 

[7armyrugrats]

Am I right in thinking by your ID that your husband has an “interesting” job and travels a lot but can’t or would rather not tell you of all the stuff that goes on in his life…and that he would be pretty good at popping skwerlz?

Well, he can shoot, but he prefers to blow things up. He’s an EOD man. I have an idea! C-4 might save time with the squirrels. It could kill em, gut em and cook em at the same time. I might run it by him when he gets home from the range. He is always looking to help out his fellow Catholics

 

[Limerickman]

Ok, so I have a question and I really, really wish that a few of the regulars weren’t out for Lent right now, but anyway:

Do you tell your spouse things that other people (friends and relatives) in confidence? Or do you expect that they know that when confiding in you they are also confiding in your spouse? If your spouse asked you what so and so said would you tell them or explain that it’s personal and you can’t share? Would you be mad if you thought that someone was telling your secrets to their spouse?

I’m just asking out of curiosity. I have never had this issue come up in real life and I don’t foresee it being an issue. I just wondered what the thoughts on it were because it seems like an interesting question.

For us personally we tell each other everything. If a friend or family member tells one of us something the other knows it right away. I guess for lack of a better word it’s gossip, but we’ve pretty much always been that way. When I tell a married or otherwise very committed friend something I always assume it goes without saying that they will tell their partner, but that it will go no further.

If someone tells me something in confidence and if I pledge to keep that confidence, I tell nobody not even my wife what was said to me in confidence.

A confidence is a confidence.

The person telling me what they tell me know that I am married.
Before they tell me what they intend to tell me, I clarify if they wish me to keep what they say to myself or do I have their permission to tell my wife.
If they say that they don’t want me to share their confidence with my wife, they can be assured that I will never break that confidence.

My word is my honour as far as I am concerned and if I pledge to keep a confidence that pledge is kept regardless.

 

[thewanderer]

Well, whether one should employ frequent sarcasm in general is certainly an arguable issue from a moral perspective.

I am totally deadpan and never use sarcasm in a situation where literal interpretation would lead to action that would greatly hurt someone or quickly reveal the joke because the people I know do assume that I am being serious.

This is getting ridiculous as we really are a little off topic. The whole reason this got started is because you claimed that the person who told the secret to their spouse could never do so without involving negligence. That is just plain false. I can understand why you might have a hard time realizing that since you seem to be coming from such a completely different point of view, but I think we are going to have to leave it there.

Sarcasm can also be an issue - much less so in face to face communication than online but certainly I have got into trouble a few times because I have a very deadpan delivery and no, not everyone ‘gets it’.

Difference is that you can tell when someone doesn’t get your sarcasm and explain that you meant something sarcastically with no harm done.

It’s not possible for a person who told you a secret on the understanding that you would literally tell no-one to take it back later if they find you have a different understanding. Nor for you to take your relaying of it to DFH back if it turns out they didn’t want him to be told. The milk, or in this case the beans, can’t be unspilled.

I wasn’t saying that everyone will always get your sarcasm, I was just pointing out that it is not necessarily inconsiderate to say specific words while meaning something else, even something technically contrary to the literal interpretation of the words themselves.

I have never said the harm from a misunderstanding about confidence can be undone or that it isn’t a big deal, what I am saying is that *sometimes it isn’t really anybodys fault. *Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. It always sucks, but sometimes life is just like that. Just because something bad happened doesn’t mean anybody was being malicious or being neglectful of something they were aware that they should be doing. People make mistakes, misunderstandings happen. Yes, the fallout can be absolutely horrible, but that still doesn’t mean that the person who shared the secret is always at fault or to blame for the situation and it is wrong to behave as if they must automatically be terrible inconsiderate people.

 

[Baelor]

This is getting ridiculous as we really are a little off topic.

You brought up sarcasm.

The whole reason this got started is because you claimed that the person who told the secret to their spouse could never do so without involving negligence.

Yes.

That is just plain false.

No.

I can understand why you might have a hard time realizing that since you seem to be coming from such a completely different point of view, but I think we are going to have to leave it there.

You can do whatever you want. Anyone reading this thread has various points of view from which to choose.

The point remains that the interpretation of “no one” as “no one” is fundamentally different from all others because, despite what some post-modernists may say, it is the only one completely supported by the text rather than anything hors-texte.

I wasn’t saying that everyone will always get your sarcasm, I was just pointing out that it is not necessarily inconsiderate to say specific words while meaning something else, even something technically contrary to the literal interpretation of the words themselves.

And I never said it was inconsiderate to say specific words while meaning something else. In a case such as this, where the expression is what would also be used if the person actually meant the literal meaning, an undeniable possibility, it would be inconsiderate to assume that it was in some way “figurative” and act upon that assumption when it is very easy to ask for clarification.

 

[thewanderer]

You brought up sarcasm.

Yes I know, I was not trying to say you were the one leading us on a tangent.

The point remains that the interpretation of “no one” as “no one” is fundamentally different from all others because, despite what some post-modernists may say, it is the only one completely supported by the text rather than anything hors-texte.

And I never said it was inconsiderate to say specific words while meaning something else. In a case such as this, where the expression is what would also be used if the person actually meant the literal meaning, an undeniable possibility, it would be inconsiderate to assume that it was in some way “figurative” and act upon that assumption when it is very easy to ask for clarification.

And my only point is that sometimes, people are clueless, and something which in reality is an undeniable possiblity is to them unthinkable. In such a case they are not guilty of being inconsiderate, they are simply ignorant or naive of this part of the human experience.

 

[BettyBoop416]

Another eye opening CAF thread.

My new policy: Unless I don’t care if the whole world knows it, I ain’t breathing a word to no one.

 

[Debora123]

Another eye opening CAF thread.

My new policy: Unless I don’t care if the whole world knows it, I ain’t breathing a word to no one.

 

[Baelor]

And my only point is that sometimes, people are clueless, and something which in reality is an undeniable possiblity is to them unthinkable. In such a case they are not guilty of being inconsiderate, they are simply ignorant or naive of this part of the human experience.

I do not disagree that they are naive and ignorant. At some point, however, that becomes the result of continued lack of consideration for others.

 

[Debora123]

I do not disagree that they are naive and ignorant. At some point, however, that becomes the result of continued lack of consideration for others.

Being naive and ignorant is a result of continued lack of consideration for others? What??

 

[Baelor]

Being naive and ignorant is a result of continued lack of consideration for others? What??

No. The continued state of being naive and ignorant of how your actions may (one would think, obvious) affect others negatively can be the result of a continued lack of consideration for others.

 

[LilyM]

Being naive and ignorant is a result of continued lack of consideration for others? What??

It sometimes happens (and I am definitely NOT saying that this is true of you or anybody here) that a person develops a habit of thinking only and always of themselves. Such a person may remain in ignorance as to what others think and feel purely because they never bother to find out - they simply do not care and are not interested in other people enough to make the effort.

It’s like saying some people make themselves ill by being too lazy to exercise, eat properly, see their doctor when they need to and so on. It is more difficult to sympathise with such a person than with someone who becomes ill through no fault of their own.

 

[thewanderer]

I do not disagree that they are naive and ignorant. At some point, however, that becomes the result of continued lack of consideration for others.

I have never said that the person who tells their spouse without checking if that is ok is never inconsiderate, I was simply trying to get you to consider the possiblity that they really are not always being inconsiderate. It sounds like we do agree about this after all then.

 

[Debora123]

No. The continued state of being naive and ignorant of how your actions may (one would think, obvious) affect others negatively can be the result of a continued lack of consideration for others.

This makes 0 sense.

Either you are inconsiderate or you are merely ignorant. You can’t be both at the same time.

 

[Debora123]

It sometimes happens (and I am definitely NOT saying that this is true of you or anybody here) that a person develops a habit of thinking only and always of themselves. Such a person may remain in ignorance as to what others think and feel purely because they never bother to find out - they simply do not care and are not interested in other people enough to make the effort.

It’s like saying some people make themselves ill by being too lazy to exercise, eat properly, see their doctor when they need to and so on. It is more difficult to sympathise with such a person than with someone who becomes ill through no fault of their own.

That wasn’t even what he meant… thank goodness, since it made 0 sense.

 

[Debora123]

It’s a popular thing on CAF, to try to put fault on other people as much as you possibly can. That’s what’s going on here. Never turn down the opportunity to point a finger and say “you’re sinning!” Take any and all excuses possible to be able to say that.

“Oh, she/he was ignorant? It never crossed her/his mind that there is a chance that what they are doing may somehow end up upsetting someone else in some way? Well then that person is just selfish and inconsiderate for never having thought to check!”