Do you think it's acceptable for a woman to keep her last name if she were to get married?

[ryecroft]

Personally, I kept my last name. And all of our children will have my last name - or so I thought. When we got married, a few years afterwords, my husband got a new job - and the insurance that the company has - well they aren’t the most - er understanding (literally) - people in the world - they COULD NOT get their head around a woman keeping her last name. So it has come down to me having a hyphenated last name - which now shows up all over the place as once it’s hit the internet, it hits everywhere. I must admit though that I’ve known my husband most of my life and he knew that I would NOT want to change my last name and he was cool with it because he loves me. It shouldn’t be something that would ever divide a marriage. I even thought for a while we might both take the same name - and it didn’t begin that way but on many things, he is now hyphenated as well.
God Bless
Rye

 

[ajaffres]

It is definitely a cultural rather than a religious or moral question. I know in Rwanda the parents choose the last name of their babies at birth, so all the family have different ones.

It also depends on where you live. For instance in the Province of Quebec in Canada, women are no longer allowed to take their husband’s name. Informally they can still be called Mr. and Mrs. …, but legally each keep the name they received at birth.

If they want to change their names they have to go through a change of name process, pay a fee, the same way anyone who would want to change their names, married or not, would have to go through.

Where I live, women can choose to take their husband’s name, but a woman never looses her birth name. Therefore legally she can sign either or after she is married.

 

[EasterJoy]

She could, but why would she want to? I would love to take my future husbands last name. It shows that we are truly together. Plus if she kept her last name, which last name would the children get? Also, people wouldn’t really think they were married then.

I think there was a time when this was true, but not now, particularly among women who marry after they are professionally established. When that happens, women have to choose between three hassles: the hassle of changing their professional name, the hassle of not having a single surname in their household, and the hassle of having two different last names.

Still, I know a couple that decided to change to an entirely different last name after they married. There were issues with both family surnames, and they wanted a fresh start. People who have lost track of them in the last five years or so will find it difficult to track them down again, but other than that no one is blinking an eye.

 

[EasterJoy]

It also depends on where you live. For instance in the Province of Quebec in Canada, women are no longer allowed to take their husband’s name. Informally they can still be called Mr. and Mrs. …, but legally each keep the name they received at birth.

If they want to change their names they have to go through a change of name process, pay a fee, the same way anyone who would want to change their names, married or not, would have to go through.

Where I live, women can choose to take their husband’s name, but a woman never looses her birth name. Therefore legally she can sign either or after she is married.

Why let anything happen for free, when the government can figure out how to charge a fee for it?

 

[ByzCathCantor]

But I suspect that we still have a bit too much machismo left in our culture for that ever to happen.

I’m a very traditional, old fashioned guy for my age, yet my wife wanted to keep her family name after marriage. She had graduated law school and was a practicing attorney, so although I felt a little slighted at first, I learned to live with it out of true respect for her individual accomplishments and wishes.

I did tell her that I would not tolerate being called Mr. [Maiden Name], so she should take care to ensure that doesn’t happen. I felt that was a fair request.

She works in a firm with two very affable partners, both former criminal prosecutors in a very tough jurisdiction and old college buddies / frat brothers. From the moment they heard this, I have been called Mr. [Maiden Name] purposely at every holiday party or firm outing. They instructed the receptionist to announce me as Mr. [Maiden Name] every time I call or come to the office. It is all in good fun, of course!

 

[ajaffres]

Why let anything happen for free, when the government can figure out how to charge a fee for it?

Quebec is an example of where Catholicism use to be very strong and then rejected religion all together. This resulted in high divorce rates and many common-law couples. I just think the Government doesn’t want to take care of the bureaucracy. I would say they simply lost touch of the meaning of marriage.

 

[maryjk]

I think there was a time when this was true, but not now, particularly among women who marry after they are professionally established. When that happens, women have to choose between three hassles: the hassle of changing their professional name, the hassle of not having a single surname in their household, and the hassle of having two different last names.

Still, I know a couple that decided to change to an entirely different last name after they married. There were issues with both family surnames, and they wanted a fresh start. People who have lost track of them in the last five years or so will find it difficult to track them down again, but other than that no one is blinking an eye.

It is funny. I know of three women that kept their maiden name. All three did it because they either were professionally established or they thought they would be and wanted to be able to carry the same name through the process.

Of the three, two are stay at home moms and one works part time at a preschool.

Not one of them carried through with their “chosen profession.” All, once they had children simply became moms. All three have a hard time a school and other organizations.

I wonder, was it worth it?

 

[JaneGrey]

It is funny. I know of three women that kept their maiden name. All three did it because they either were professionally established or they thought they would be and wanted to be able to carry the same name through the process.

Of the three, two are stay at home moms and one works part time at a preschool.

Not one of them carried through with their “chosen profession.” All, once they had children simply became moms. All three have a hard time a school and other organizations.

I wonder, was it worth it?

For some people it just is. Some people are more attached to their names than others. As your example suggests and I am sure you realise, a woman keeping her last name doesn’t make her any less dedicated to her family.
To play devil’s advocate, what gets the ire of many is that it sometimes doesn’t occur to people to question a man’s level of dedication to his family as much as they might a woman’s.

My mum has a different surname to me. Some people over the years have accidentally assumed that she had my last name, but other than that it hasn’t caused any actual problems. People outside a particular family unit who have issues with or create an issue about that family unit having three surnames within it as opposed to one maybe need to get over it, in my most humble opinion.

 

[severus68]

For some people it just is. Some people are more attached to their names than others. As your example suggests and I am sure you realise, a woman keeping her last name doesn’t make her any less dedicated to her family.
To play devil’s advocate, what gets the ire of many is that it sometimes doesn’t occur to people to question a man’s level of dedication to his family as much as they might a woman’s.

My mum has a different surname to me. Some people over the years have accidentally assumed that she had my last name, but other than that it hasn’t caused any actual problems. People outside a particular family unit who have issues with or create an issue about that family unit having three surnames within it as opposed to one maybe need to get over it, in my most humble opinion.

Well said.

In some cultures, there is no surname as such but a village or clan name.

 

[ChildofGod7]

Thanks for everyone’s replies.

I love my last name but I’m willing to hyphenate it for my future spouse. Obviously will be discussed but would prefer to either keep or hyphenate it. If my future spouse’s name is already hyphenated, i.e. his dad’s last name and his mom’s last name did everyone say it’s ok to drop the mom’s name and possibly add mine? or at least let the children have his dad’s and mine hyphenated? He says on his birth certificate he has TWO last names hyphenated, not just one. He doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t take both names or why I’d want to change it. He thinks I should just accept both and so should the kids.

 

[GraceDK]

It is definitely a cultural rather than a religious or moral question. I know in Rwanda the parents choose the last name of their babies at birth, so all the family have different ones.

I personally would take my husbands last name if I had one, I would feel left out if my husband and children had a different one to me.

From severel posts I get the picture that its the woman who is left out if she has children and the couple has different names, and not the man. Why is that?
I know that in the Middle East children are “owned” by the fathers, but I didn’t know its like that - symbolically - in America too.

I know couples where the woman took the last name of the husband. Others where the man took the last name of his wife, and others again where they combined both names.
As far as I know, in earlier days in Europe the last name of a woman was eg. “daughter of magnus” or whatever her dad was called…
the same in old Israel right: Simon, son of Jonah.
My sister took the name of her husband, yet now they have decided to take her old last name too, not because of a professional reason, but because they like to also continue that family line-name.

The norms sorrounding names have changed throughout history. I guess for many cultures women have been seen like property handed over from a father to a husband. Since we don’t have that view of women, its natural that every couple decides what they wanna do, and there isn’t a right way or more Catholic way to do these things.

 

[themeginthemoon]

I like my last name, so I kept it when I got married!



My children both have hyphenated last names, sure hope they don’t mind when they get older

My husband and I are both in academia, and hope to have futures teaching at the same university. We didn’t want there to be confusion with two Dr. . .'s at the same institutions, and that was one of many reasons I kept my name.

Either way, it’s not a moral or ethical dilemma - it’s very personal!

 

[EasterJoy]

You can always change your middle name to your maiden name. Thats what my mother did.

I did this. It makes it much easier to identify myself with my maiden name when I was ordering transcripts and whatnot. (Besides, I hate hyphenated names.)

That would be horrible for me, I go by my middle name.

You can use the opportunity to scoot your middle name into first place, too; that is, if you are Mary Louise Black, but you are known most widely as Louise Black, when you marry Mr. Brown you can change your name to Louise Black Brown.

It’s really between the two people getting married, and IMHO after there has been a chance to talk it over, wise people let their spouses do whatever their spouses want to do.

 

[ryecroft]

She could, but why would she want to? I would love to take my future husbands last name. It shows that we are truly together. Plus if she kept her last name, which last name would the children get? Also, people wouldn’t really think they were married then.

Just not sure why it would be any different for the man to take the woman’s last name - same unification -
God Bless
Rye

 

[Dan_Daly]

Just not sure why it would be any different for the man to take the woman’s last name - same unification -
God Bless
Rye

A husband is the head of the family.

Certainly the way names work varies from culture to culture. As an American, living in the American culture, I would be very hesitant as a man to marry a woman who wanted to keep her last name or hyphenate. In fact I was so hesitant, I married a woman who took my name (for many other good qualities along with her preference for names).

Fear of “losing my identity” or a desire to “maintain my independence” may be grounded in sincerely held beliefs, but I think they are very often also grounded in feminist ideology.

At the same time, I do not dismiss the importance of preserving a woman’s family history and honoring her lineage.

I think one reasonable solution is for a woman to make her maiden name her middle name. So if Miss Sue Emily Brown marries Mr, Joe Henry Ross…she could be Mrs. Sue Brown Ross, and would go by Sue Ross unless she was using her middle name for some reason, which is much differnet than going by Sue Brown-Ross or Sue Brown.

Of course, last names were not very common at all in Christendom until after AD 1000. So I can agree that there is not a moral absolute at issue here, there can simultaneously be moral issues involved to consider.

On a similar note, I generally disapprove of the title “Ms.” which seeks to blur the line between “Miss” and “Mrs” and promotes marital ambiguity.

Pax Christi and God bless

 

[Phemie]

It also depends on where you live. For instance in the Province of Quebec in Canada, women are no longer allowed to take their husband’s name. Informally they can still be called Mr. and Mrs. …, but legally each keep the name they received at birth.

If they want to change their names they have to go through a change of name process, pay a fee, the same way anyone who would want to change their names, married or not, would have to go through.

Yes, they have to give up their surname forever and change their birth certificate to show their husband’s last name. Quebec has done everything it can to make ‘marriage’ not worth it.

 

[GraceDK]

A husband is the head of the family.

Certainly the way names work varies from culture to culture. As an American, living in the American culture, I would be very hesitant as a man to marry a woman who wanted to keep her last name or hyphenate. In fact I was so hesitant, I married a woman who took my name (for many other good qualities along with her preference for names).

Fear of “losing my identity” or a desire to “maintain my independence” may be grounded in sincerely held beliefs, but I think they are very often also grounded in feminist ideology.

At the same time, I do not dismiss the importance of preserving a woman’s family history and honoring her lineage.

I think one reasonable solution is for a woman to make her maiden name her middle name. So if Miss Sue Emily Brown marries Mr, Joe Henry Ross…she could be Mrs. Sue Brown Ross, and would go by Sue Ross unless she was using her middle name for some reason, which is much differnet than going by Sue Brown-Ross or Sue Brown.

Of course, last names were not very common at all in Christendom until after AD 1000. So I can agree that there is not a moral absolute at issue here, there can simultaneously be moral issues involved to consider.

On a similar note, I generally disapprove of the title “Ms.” which seeks to blur the line between “Miss” and “Mrs” and promotes marital ambiguity.

Pax Christi and God bless

Thats a matter of taste and subjective interpretation.
Personally I would be very hesitant to marry a man who would ask me to loose my last name or who told me I was unreasonable if I said I wished to keep it.
In fact although I wouldn’t mind taking only my husbands last name, if he were to indicate that he would not marry me unless I did, it would be ‘bye bye charlie’.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Thats a matter of taste and subjective interpretation.
Personally I would be very hesitant to marry a man who would ask me to loose my last name or who told me I was unreasonable if I said I wished to keep it.
In fact although I wouldn’t mind taking only my husbands last name, if he were to indicate that he would not marry me unless I did, it would be ‘bye bye charlie’.

 

[ryecroft]

Thats a matter of taste and subjective interpretation.
Personally I would be very hesitant to marry a man who would ask me to loose my last name or who told me I was unreasonable if I said I wished to keep it.
In fact although I wouldn’t mind taking only my husbands last name, if he were to indicate that he would not marry me unless I did, it would be ‘bye bye charlie’.

I’ve got to agree with you there - but I must say, I’ve always had a but of a problem with men that say 'i’m the man and therefore i’m head of the household and what I say is the last word on the topic…" - I’m not a feminist or anything, but I think a man assuming or insisting that a woman take his last name is like saying ‘my last name is more important than yours and since i’m the head of the household the children should have my last name…’ luckily, I’ve known my husband for years, and when we got married, there was no question - he knew I’d keep my last name - his is very unique and had he not been in the military he would have taken my last name at the time.
God Bless
Rye

 

[Pax2u]

My opinion…if a woman wants to keep her maiden name and her new husband is in agreement, then do it.

My own preference is to take your husband’s name. I think hyphenating is silly…it would get to a point where it is ridiculous. Jane Smith-Jones and John Green-Brown have a child named Sally Smith-Jones-Green-Brown???