Do you think marriage is hard work?

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MomtoEandM

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On CAF and in pretty much all popular media, I see marriage described as being “hard work.” This has always been a little confusing to me. To me, hard work could be physically hard (digging a trench), mentally hard (quantum physics), or emotionally hard (caring for patients with Alzheimer’s). I’ve never found marriage to be any of these things. On our worst days, my husband might annoy or aggravate me, but I still don’t think I’d call being married to him hard work. We have to have commitment to each other, but that comes easily to us. Spending time together isn’t work; that’s joy. Supporting each other emotionally gives us peace.

Caring for our kids can sometimes be physically and/or emotionally tough, but that would be true for anyone caring for children, and not necessarily work in marriage, per se. Housework is work, but we’d have to do that married or single. I am just having a hard time thinking of ways marriage itself (separate from just life in general) is hard work.

I wonder if I am the only one who feels this way. Do you think marriage is actually hard work? If so, in what ways?
 
MomtoEandM said:
I wonder if I am the only one who feels this way. Do you think marriage is actually hard work? If so, in what ways?
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No, you aren’t the only one that feels that way. I don’t think marriage is hard work at all. 🤷

I can’t imagine how hard life would be if I wasn’t married. Facing all of your problems without a spouse? :eek: Not having a spouse by your side through thick and thin? Now that’s hard.
 
First off Congratulations on being in such a blessed marriage!!

Marriage is hard work in that we have to learn communication skills we lacked before such an intimate relationship, helping each other through hardships, not always agreeing on things, ups and downs in life (financial struggles really can take a toll), etc.

The statement doesn’t mean that marriage is more difficult than some other difficulties in life. Just that it does require work and good habits and often times denying our own nature or wants to make it work. So it definitely goes into the emotional category…well except when my wife makes me repaint every room in the house…then it goes in the physically hard work category:p
 
I think the vocation of marriage is hard word for most people at some point in their llives. Basically, it’s hard because sometimes you have to do something for your family that you really do not want to do. Some families seem to be given more than their fair share of trials to overcome. (ie. financial strain, a job that really stinks, mental or physical illness, addiction, problems with pornography, a child that is really out of control, not being on the same page parenting wise, a child with disablities, poverty, toxic family members, etc.) Other couple seem to experience less of these problems, or are many just better equiped to deal with them. I think that most couples do experience “hard work” phases at some point or another, but I would think that most of their married life together is jobful and pleasant.
 
For most of my marriage I’ve been pregnant (which automatically means miserable for me), nursing (totally sixk of human contact at the end of the day) and taking care of babies (tiring and thankless work.) Has it been hard to cultivate a passionate romance and forge a deep connection amidst the chaos, fatigue and stress of family life? Yes. Is it hard to live with the man I married? No.
 
Marriage to a spouse is distinctly similar to marriage with Christ: One must deny themselves, take up their cross daily, and honor their vows. For the rest of us, there is the Sacrament of Penance.
 
I think a good relationship takes some effort (and some take more than others), and it can be hard sometimes, but I wouldn’t say marriage is always necessarily “hard work.” Nor even sometimes for some couples.

I will say that my husband and I have had a few (relatively short) times in our 20 years of marriage that were very difficult, mentally and emotionally. During those times, it was hard to communicate, hard to forgive, hard to respect, and hard to love. It was tempting to choose what so many others were trying to convince us was the “easy” way to happiness: divorce.

The hard part was choosing to love another over self when it seemed like we’d get nothing in return–or, worse, get treated badly in return. Maybe that’s why some people consider marriage to be “hard work”–perhaps they struggle often with the temptation to choose self over spouse.

Just my guess. 🤷
 
Hmmmmmmmmmm… marriage is not work eh?

Hmmmmmmmmmm…That makes me wonder why I gnawed off my big left toe yesterday…
 
I think certain circumstances in my marriage has made it “hard work.” The divorce rate is even higher among military couples because this lifestyle is hard. We have to work extra hard, I think, especially when they are halfway around the world. I have to “do it all” when he is gone. Granted, we don’t have kids, but one day we will. It will be even more hard work.
Him being my best friend and one of the best men I have ever met makes that hard work worth it.
 
Everything is hard work. Nothing is given for free. Except God’s love of course.
 
You know how they say that the best job is the one you’d do even if they didn’t pay you? That’s the kind of marriage you have now. The guy next to you at work can have the same job and find it to be very hard work, even if he isn’t putting in the time and dedication that you are. Both of you have hard work, but if you’re “living the dream” it doesn’t seem like that, even if your work is physically hard, mentally hard, emotionally draining, and more. You can still finish a day and say to yourself, “I can’t believe they pay me to do this.”

I hope you have an All-Star, Cal Ripkin, show-up-every-day-and-love-it marriage, and it is always like that. I don’t doubt, though, that you will do fine if the day comes when it’s not. You just sound like the kind who will do just fine, so do not worry one bit that God has given you what he has. Keep rejoicing and keep living the dream! 👍
 
JackieMom said:
For most of my marriage I’ve been pregnant (which automatically means miserable for me), nursing (totally sixk of human contact at the end of the day) and taking care of babies (tiring and thankless work.) Has it been hard to cultivate a passionate romance and forge a deep connection amidst the chaos, fatigue and stress of family life? Yes. Is it hard to live with the man I married? No.
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Yep! I’d add to your list: money troubles, sick parents, teenagers, job worries, loads upon loads of laundry, dishes, 7,665 days of what’s for dinner, and yeah… I’d say it’s hard work.

But worth it.

I think the degree of difficultly also depends on your expectations. If someone goes into a marriage thinking it’s going to romance and roses everyday, they are in for a rude awakening and some major disappointment. After more than two decades of marriage, I relate well to this: youtube.com/watch?v=154srScLNN8
 
maryjk said:
No, you aren’t the only one that feels that way. I don’t think marriage is hard work at all. 🤷

I can’t imagine how hard life would be if I wasn’t married. Facing all of your problems without a spouse? :eek: Not having a spouse by your side through thick and thin? Now that’s hard.
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You are indeed blessed/fortunate in your marriage, as indeed my sainted parents were, but not all marriages are alike. We are all different and all bring our own psychological ‘baggage’ to the partnership. Some folks have serious psychological issues from their past/childhood that they have buried in their subconscious that perhaps only emerges to disrupt their lives and those of their partners - and perhaps also any children they have - after say the hormonal changes in the aftermath of child birth. It is a time that should be a very happy one, but for some emergent traumatic memory can cause great and lasting disruption, indeed!

Count your blessings - and pray that those less blessed may have instead - :gopray2: understanding and fortitude.
 
Well… it seems like it is just a problem with definitions. It is a lot quicker to say ‘Marriage is hard work’ than to say ‘there are times in marriage when you don’t want to do something but you make the sacrifice anyway and there are financial troubles and you need to compromise over spending habits and for some reason some of the child rearing choir fall more on me and I resent it and my spouse never helps with certain things’

Is it work? Well maybe not in the traditional sense that a paycheck comes with it. But I think that the term ‘work’ is just used broadly for lack of a better word
 
It depends on what problems you’re dealing with in your marriage. There have been times when our marriage was about as close to a fairy tale as you can get. On the other hand, there have been some horrible times. Even worse are the times that make the horrible times look like a fairy tale in comparison. One thing that helped me was something I read a few years ago that said that love is a choice. Every day, no matter what difficulties you’re facing, you need to wake up and choose to love your spouse just as much as the day before. If you’re able to do that, even the truly awful times are a lot easier.
 
I have been married for 10 years. We have had our fair share of trials. Of course we’ve had to put effort into our relationship, but it doesn’t seem like “hard work” 99% of the time.

What’s made it easier for us, I think, is the knowledge that marriage is for life. If you accept that you truly love your spouse (even when your spouse is dancing on your last nerve) and that divorce is not an option it seems easier to work things out and plug along together.
 
I think it depends on what you’re going through.

When times are happy, money is sufficient and jobs are secure, beloved relatives are alive and happy, your own health is good and you are strong and fit, your children are healthy and fairly normal, and the weather is fine–no, marriage isn’t hard work.

But for most couples, there are times that are not happy, money is scarce, the jobs are gone, beloved relatives sicken and die or are killed in accidents, your own health fails and you are beset with a chronic or acute condition that weakens you and endangers your very life (and costs a fortune in time and money), your children (God forbid!) are diagnosed with an illness or begin developing behavioral or learning problems that cast doubt on the possibility of their growing up to be independent productive adults, and the weather brings tornadoes, floods, or ice…then marriage is very hard work.

During hard times, many couples have a hard time finding each other. They are working so hard to keep their own heads above water and giving giving giving to the relatives, children, job search, etc. that they have nothing left to give to each other. They simply don’t have the energy to work harder.

It’s during those times that a couple must remember their commitment to each other, and vow that they will stay together, no matter what. For most couples, even in the midst of the hardest times, there are moments of happiness and freedom, and in the end, there is heaven to look forward to.
 
You are all very lucky. I have found marriage to be incredibly difficult, between job losses, multiple unplanned pregnancies, my husband’s clinical depression, and my husband losing his Catholic faith.

Staying single would have been MUCH easier.
 
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