Do you trust your spouse?

[baylee]

Originally Posted by Imryl forums.catholic-questions.org/images/buttons_cad/viewpost.gif
This seemingly rampant distrust of one’s spouse is fairly disturbing to me. (From other posters on this thread, not the original poster.)

lmryl posted the above in response to pinkky’s thread below. I thought it was an interesting point and thought I’d post a new thread about it (hope you don’t mind lmryl) because I would think that distrust for your spouse could cause major problems in a marriage…a recipe for disaster…sooner or later.

I would love to hear from those who don’t trust and why. Have your spouses given you reason not to trust them? Is it your nature not to trust the opposite sex? Have you been hurt before?

And for those who recognize that they are not trusting and have no real reason to do so, how do you handle it…do you try to get past it? If so, how? Has anyone been able to overcome it?

 

[Trishie]

Yes, I do trust him. He’s incorrigibly honest and expects honesty in return. And he’s never been interested in straying.

 

[Imryl]

Well that wasn’t exactly what I meant by that question. So here is one of the comments that made me ask the question:

Why would you be alone for any length of time with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse?

I responded to what seems to me to be a common theme on this topic by saying the following:

I truly do not understand this mindset that married individuals should not hang around people of the opposite sex since there *could *be an occasion to sin. I for one trust my husband. Perhaps that’s naive of me, I don’t know. However - I am not going to put conditions on his activities out of fear he *might *cheat.

What I was concerned about was the distrust that runs rampant for no apparent reason. To remove oneself from a situation that may be an occasion of sin is one thing. To believe your spouse does not know what would be a near occasion for themselves, and then to bar them from certain activities out of fear is completely different.

*This topic excludes those who have **reason *to suspect certain activities their spouse participates in. Past infidelity, access to porn etc.

Simon X said it best:

A Spouse does have every right to expect her husband (and we men, our wives) to be able to be trusted to go out at night without having to worry about where they are and what they are doing.

 

[Phemie]

I don’t trust anyone. Not my husband, not my boss, not my relatives, not my friends. People don’t realize how insecure I am and believe me, suspicion makes life hell.

When I got married I figured DH was only marrying me because I happened to be available and that he’d dump me as soon as someone better came along. We’d probably been married 15 years before I actually stopped wondering if tonight was the night he wouldn’t bother coming back home.

I suspect something in my childhood led to this, but I haven’t been able to figure out what – the only thing my brothers and I agree on is that our parents didn’t foster self-esteem in us in any way, shape or form. Since neither one had been parented well (Dad was a foster child used as a work horse and mom was pretty much raised by a resentful older sister because her mom had to work to put food on the table) it’s not surprising that they were that way, but when your parents believe that their job is to criticize your mistakes without ever complimenting your accomplishment, you tend to feel that you only ever make mistakes. Hard to believe someone loves you/likes you, when you don’t like/love yourself.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes, without a doubt, I trust my husband…he trusts me. We don’t give reasons to not trust, and one of the main things I fell in love with about my husband, and continue to fall in love with…is his honesty. He is a great husband, I hope he thinks I’m a great wife.

 

[whatevergirl]

I don’t trust anyone. Not my husband, not my boss, not my relatives, not my friends. People don’t realize how insecure I am and believe me, suspicion makes life hell.

When I got married I figured DH was only marrying me because I happened to be available and that he’d dump me as soon as someone better came along. We’d probably been married 15 years before I actually stopped wondering if tonight was the night he wouldn’t bother coming back home.

I suspect something in my childhood led to this, but I haven’t been able to figure out what – the only thing my brothers and I agree on is that our parents didn’t foster self-esteem in us in any way, shape or form. Since neither one had been parented well (Dad was a foster child used as a work horse and mom was pretty much raised by a resentful older sister because her mom had to work to put food on the table) it’s not surprising that they were that way, but when your parents believe that their job is to criticize your mistakes without ever complimenting your accomplishment, you tend to feel that you only ever make mistakes. Hard to believe someone loves you/likes you, when you don’t like/love yourself.

Hi Phemie–maybe a fear of abandonment? I did have fears of loss early in my marriage, and it led to my husband and me separating…odd no? A self fulfilling prophecy, I suppose. But, thankfully, though prayer and a deep commitment between my husband and me, I conquered those fears. Fears and mistrust in a marriage can make it difficult on the other spouse…I am sorry you are going through this. ((HUGS)) to you, and prayers to you, also.

 

[pentecostbaby]

This kind of stuff is foreign to me. My parents weren’t perfect, but they always stressed to me that you should marry your best friend. I dated several guys I was very good friends with, and ended up with DH - yay! So I’m friends with all my exes. DH is also very close with the two most recent ones (one of whom I dated for two years). They hang out at the house - we went camping with one for a week in the desert.
If he leaves town, my best friend Joey (the two-year ex, who was in our wedding) will occasionally stay with me, since I don’t like to stay alone, and he worries about me being home by myself for several nights. I wouldn’t hesitate to say that DH’s ex-girlfriend could do the same if I wasn’t home. I mean, why would either of us want to stray?

 

[Sillara]

Because you get lonely? Because you feel a sudden attraction? Because the OTHER person is lonely? There are many reasons, and it is terribly unwise to have a man not your husband stay the night when your husband is out of town.

I have seen marriages destroyed because of friends who started out merely friends, with no further intentions, ended up going MUCH too far.

Be careful! There is trust, and then there is recklessness.

 

[baylee]

Hi Phemie–maybe a fear of abandonment? I did have fears of loss early in my marriage, and it led to my husband and me separating…odd no? A self fulfilling prophecy, I suppose. But, thankfully, though prayer and a deep commitment between my husband and me, I conquered those fears. Fears and mistrust in a marriage can make it difficult on the other spouse…I am sorry you are going through this. ((HUGS)) to you, and prayers to you, also.

Yes, I wonder whether distrust can lead to this.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes, I wonder whether distrust can lead to this.

Yeah, it could happen. Usually people who lack trust of others, whether it be in business, in love, etc…it has a lot to do with their past, and how they learned the concept of trust. For me, I lost my parents by the time I turned 10…and from that point forward, I didn’t want to get too close to ANYONE, because I feared losing the person. I had a lot of friends, but friendships didn’t require as much of me as relationships with men. By the time I married, I thought I was ‘over’ it all, but the problem of trust was just beginning…I guess I thought I’d lose my husband in some way, not necessarily cheating…he is a great man, but just couldn’t escape my fear of loss. So, I was not so nice back then, and perhaps, wanted things to end so I could control the loss. All of this, God revealed to me through prayer. I am totally over my trust issues now, because I am over my fear of loss.

I bet a lot of people who distrust their spouses, had problems learning how to trust when they were kids…trust is learned. If we don’t learn it in a healthy way as kids, we’ll not develop it properly as adults.

Just my take on it, from my own experience. I’m glad I’m over it all, and trust implicitly now…

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh, this doesn’t mean that a person could be cheated on let’s say, by a spouse, and then not trust from that point forward. I think that many people have a healthy view about trust with his/her spouse,but the spouse ruined the trust with bad behavior of some sort. That can happen as well.

 

[CJ_Nick]

I bet a lot of people who distrust their spouses, had problems learning how to trust when they were kids…trust is learned. If we don’t learn it in a healthy way as kids, we’ll not develop it properly as adults.

Hi whatevergirl,

Thanks for sharing that ( glad you have overcome your obstacles )

I am not being contentious, simply offering a slightly different perspective, if I may .

Trust, IMHO, is earned more than it is learned. It is earned and strengthened over time. Trust, in a marriage, is also an enormous gift that is mutually given and taken to and for eachother.

Peace,
CJ

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi whatevergirl,

Thanks for sharing that ( glad you have overcome your obstacles )

I am not being contentious, simply offering a slightly different perspective, if I may .

Trust, IMHO, is earned more than it is learned. It is earned and strengthened over time. Trust, in a marriage, is also an enormous gift that is mutually given and taken to and for eachother.

Peace,
CJ

Hi CJ;

I don’t disagree. I am offering merely an ‘explanation’ if you will, as to why a person might have trust issues in a marriage, where the other spouse has done nothing to cause the mistrust. Trust is a beautiful thing…it’s a great day when you know you have someone in your life who you love and trust with all of your heart and soul…and feel safe.

 

[Serap]

This is a good topic. I was abused badly by both parents and I actually learned to depend on others too much for my self-worth. I went in the opposite direction. I trusted people too quickly in my cries for “help”. I was gullable and very impressionable all b/c I wanted to be loved and accepted by someone.

I was like that Dr. Seus book called, Are you my Mother?

I never trusted men to be faithful though. I always assumed that a man would eventually cheat on me b/c that’s what my father did over and over.

I met my husband a bit later in life after I had sorted through my issues. I can say that I 99.99% trust my husband, only b/c we as humans make mistakes even with the best of intentions.

I don’t question him when he comes home late from work, etc. Although, I do expect him to call and let me know ahead of time.

 

[CJ_Nick]

Hi CJ;

Trust is a beautiful thing…it’s a great day when you know you have someone in your life who you love and trust with all of your heart and soul…and feel safe.

AMEN!!!

Thanks for that !!!

Peace,
CJ

 

[pentecostbaby]

Because you get lonely? Because you feel a sudden attraction? Because the OTHER person is lonely? There are many reasons, and it is terribly unwise to have a man not your husband stay the night when your husband is out of town.

I have seen marriages destroyed because of friends who started out merely friends, with no further intentions, ended up going MUCH too far.

Be careful! There is trust, and then there is recklessness.

Because both DH and I are worried to have me stay home alone. And because I like to have someone to talk to, and because I literally forget to eat.
I understand why for many people this wouldn’t be a good idea. But it works for us - and honestly, my friend’s the most trustworthy person I’ve ever met. He’s NOT going to try to hit on me or something.
I appreciate the advice, but I know all parties involved - and believe me, nothing’s happening.

 

[Lifeisamazing]

All those who are suspicious, distrusting, constantly checking up on, making accusatory “comments”, snooping, and invading their privacy----with no good reason at all, and other jealous and disturbing behaviors— beware. Yes, it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. Yes, it can cause your spouse to rebel in order to try to regain a sense of self. Yes, it can cause your spouse to feel not “good” enough. Why stick around for that abuse?

You are alienating your spouse in a way you do not realize, if you do these things. Get into counseling. Pick up the book, “Changes that Heal” by Cloud-Townsend. Figure out why you are destroying your own life and causing exactly what you fear most- your spouse to leave b/c they cannot stand the undeserved criticism and loneliness it causes.

There is no real love, and no real possibility of “knowing” or “being known” when this behavior is present.

I know from first hand experience, and have been devastatingly lonely in my marriage. Objectified in my marriage. And spent too much time searching for new ways to “prove” myself though I was doing NOTHING wrong. How exhausting and sad. I am only wondering why I chose to endure this.

I think perhaps, I did not realize how deep such anxieties can run in people. How crippling it can be to intimacy. How there is no end to how “good” I can be, b/c it isn’t about me at all.

Perhaps, I have spent a lot of time trying to “prove” myself b/c as a child I never felt approval from my Dad. I have a much better relationship with him now, but as a kid I always wished I could get a “that a girl” *just once *from him.

I give the benefit of the doubt to a fault sometimes. I trust readily, but am realistic. I trust my husband to no end in hopes of ever getting it back in return. Not that he doesn’t have issues, but I am not and never will be jealous for no good reason. Such a waste. Don’t do it.

 

[whatevergirl]

I must speak up…lol I never accused, etc…I just didn’t trust that my husband would be with me for very long, because of the losses I experienced.

It was really just my own thing I dealt with. But, if affected my marriage, definitely. I wouldn’t admit I lacked trust.

I just wanted to say that I wasn’t accusatory, etc… (since self fulfilling prophecy was the phrase I used early on in this thread!) lol

 

[Lifeisamazing]

I must speak up…lol I never accused, etc…I just didn’t trust that my husband would be with me for very long, because of the losses I experienced.

It was really just my own thing I dealt with. But, if affected my marriage, definitely. I wouldn’t admit I lacked trust.

I just wanted to say that I wasn’t accusatory, etc… (since self fulfilling prophecy was the phrase I used early on in this thread!) lol

I hope you don’t think I was talking to you! I didn’t even read the other posts. This is just what I am going through and trying to make peace with.

 

[jwashu]

If I didn’t trust my spouse in general, there are times I believe everyone questions something, I don’t believe I could be married.

Joe