Does God want me to be more assertive

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LoveTherese

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Hi all,
Unfortunately I don’t have a hard time being assertive with my husband (not in an angry mean way) but more like “hey no this is what i think” and then it ends up being anyone’s way but at work I’m all about not stepping on toes. If there is an aggressive woman personality I don’t want to ruffle her feathers so if I deal with that person I’m usually all smiles and “yes ofcourse” but without peace. I feel like a pushover because coworkers have made me cry. I love St. therese but when I tried her method of humbly staying quiet when wronged (which takes a battle warriors strength) it didn’t work out too hot in my job because people are extra tough to me since i’m the nice quiet lady people don’t like with the Catholic calendar in her desk. They gossip and stare and do all that stuff. I’m the easy target.

I don’t know how I came across this woman Heather Lindsey’s video (she’s not Catholic) but boy did I appreciate her message of not letting people steal her peace when they have attitudes.

How can I be that way? I’ve tried for years. How can I have my coworkers literally look at me nasty, talk to me like I’m garbage because my position is lower and go home feeling good about myself?

There’s this one lady who is a Christian there, I kind of admire her because she’s tough and one time I asked her a question and she looked at me with raised eyes like I dare you ask me something I don’t like…(I know that’s not kind but that I don’t care if you hate me attitude is what I want).

Some woman are so sweet and peaceful even when people are mean to them, is anyone here that kind of warrior? I would love some advice on how not to let people’s dislike of me make me feel insecure about myself.

On this video from 24:10 to 25:30 seconds I know her style isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but I know God can use anyone Catholic or not to help. I also just finished listening to Jeff Cavins latest video on Ascension Presents he is my favorite on that channel. I wonder if anyone can spare a moment to listen to those few seconds and see if you agree with what she said because it was motivating. Thank you all.

 
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First, St. Therese was a nun living in community. It’s a different set of standards. Also, she wasn’t exactly a pushover when she felt she was in the right, for instance when someone criticized how she taught the novices.

Second, are you sure you are interpreting your colleagues’ attitudes correctly? I’ve worked in offices my whole life and while a handful of people are nasty, many of the others simply don’t notice people in a “lower position” and may come off as brusque or not really attuned to someone’s feelings without intending to be mean. You cant expect people to be constantly catering to your feelings, but if people are being truly toxic then presumably you have a manager or a human resources person to complain to. There is also nothing wrong with being reasonably assertive at work, for example, “I’ll make your project my first priority tomorrow, but as I’ve mentioned before, I can’t stay late to finish work you give me at the very end of the day because I have to pick up my child from day care by 6 pm.” God does not expect you to be a doormat.
 
Yes, this makes sense I really just wish I knew exactly how to brush off people’s curtness and I may be misinterpreting some people but to be fair to my situation there is one woman who is very mean to me for no reason. It happens, sure, but i feel like i’m 4 years old scared of someones angry looks and tone.I want to not care enough to not bring it home at the end of the day.
 
Just keep reminding yourself that you are a Child of God and you have NOTHING to fear from this lady.

She sounds like she needs Jesus to be honest.

My very Catholic but take-no-guff mother worked as a secretary an office many decades ago with a mean lady who was the boss and didn’t like her. Once the boss even threatened to slap her and my mom (who had taken a Miltown tranquilizer provided by her friend) said, “You just try it!”

Some time later the mean lady boss’ husband showed up at the office with a gun because mean lady boss was having an affair behind husband’s back so he came gunning for her. Mom hid in the coffee room, two other ladies went under their desks and an elderly Chinese lady tried to disarm the man and got shot in the leg. The man chased Mean Lady Boss into the admiral’s office (this was a government workplace) where she hid in the closet and the admiral and some officer he was meeting with disarmed the man. The End.
 
Thank you Tis Bearself, that is quite a story and mine pales ofcourse. I appreciate you sharing.
Do you ever recall your mother coming home agitated or sad over her work day or was her disposition fine. That’s my problem, I need to learn to leave work at work and not let my value as a Child of God be diminished because I’m scared of highly confident and assertive women that gang up on me in angry tones, looks and gossip sessions. One time I bumped into her at Mass and she gave me a nasty look there too sheesh!
 
Mom quit working when she got married so I never saw her “coming home from work”. Before that she had a career of almost 20 years. I’m sure she had plenty of ups and downs. She changed jobs a lot, sometimes because she was bored or wanted something new, but a couple places she got terminated. She also had a lot of ups and downs from her volunteer work at our parish which was extensive and basically was like an unpaid job.

Mom was Irish and while shy as a child, became a very assertive woman as an adult, as were all of her older sisters and their mother. She is the one who taught me Jesus didn’t want me to be a doormat for anybody.

You need to work on being less afraid. It sounds like you are quite assertive with your husband and there is no reason for you to kowtow to women at work. If this is a continuing issue for you then maybe seek some counseling to learn strategies to deal with it better. If it’s just the particular workplace you are at, then change jobs to a nicer one.
 
LoveTherese said:
Some woman are so sweet and peaceful even when people are mean to them, is anyone here that kind of warrior? I would love some advice on how not to let people’s dislike of me make me feel insecure about myself.
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There is an art to being sweet and peaceful and assertive as well (not that I’m particularly good at it). I’ve found personally it helps to imagine myself as though I am dealing with an unruly child. When a child tells me, Miss Dark, you’re mean, or glares at me, or says something mean about me, I don’t get angry or upset. I just move on with what I’m doing and chalk it up to that they have a lack of manners.
 
Thank you. This particular woman and I have to see each other and talk on a daily as our jobs entail communicating with each other often, I was thinking when she approaches me I should put on a stoic serious professional face from now on (just with her) and not the usual friendly smile I offer that never gets returned or worse. Is that a good idea?
 
Daily recitation of the Litany of Humility changed my outlook on work.
 
Thank you, the only problem I see with this is that there is a fear that creeps up when that unruly child is near my vicinity at work.
 
Thank you LittleLady, I’ll be honest, I read that every morning before work and some days were ok and other days I went home feeling like “i let this person get to me all day because for some reason I’m letting their feelings of me dictate my worth and how I feel about myself” and then kick myself for being so quiet and meek with them and holding back when they were snarky. I don’t know what i’m doing wrong
 
Sometimes talking out with yourself what you’re afraid of helps. It’s not fun dealing with mean people. But what exactly is she going to do? Is there anything concrete, and if that happens how would you handle it? Or would it just be, she glares at you and says mean things?
 
Thank you. It’s the fact that she hates my guts and I’m clueless as to why. I’m upset because for years I’ve tried to befriend her, be the nice Catholic lady and she steps on that with whispering to others about me, saying things like “ well i thought you should know” with an attitude or literally giving me a dog face when asking a simple question. The truth is I grew up in an way where I would snap back at her and I’ve been placed to work with her the season in which I’m reading St. therese and doing novenas…sometimes I want to give her a nasty look and respond tough with her but then I’ll be that fake Christian with the catholic calendar on her desk and then all of a sudden I become a bad witness to Christ. My husband said she probably has a little demon in her that’s repulsed by my spirit seeking Christ.
 
Your husband may be right. I know some non-believers who now spend a lot of time putting down the Church and even the saints. We need to pray for them so the evil one does not win them over. We don’t want the evil one to win souls.

I know that prayer and focusing on the Lord helps me to not feel badly when someone acts that way towards me. It takes practice, and I certainly am not perfect at it yet. I don’t work in an office, but one can quite often meet up with people who are aware you are a follower of our Lord Jesus Christ and they try to irk you in various ways.
 
LoveTherese said:
My husband said she probably has a little demon in her that’s repulsed by my spirit seeking Christ.
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Hope that was said as a joke, because to speculate such about a person is really jumping the shark.

The idea that in a workplace everyone gets along, is buddy buddy and no one is a grouch is simply a fiction made up by those who have never worked in an office.

Keep praying that litany of Humility. He will deliver you from the desire to be praised, from the fear of being ridiculed, etc. Keep on, God is using this situation to remake you into a saint.

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved…
From the desire of being extolled …
From the desire of being honored …
From the desire of being praised …
From the desire of being preferred to others…
From the desire of being consulted …
From the desire of being approved …
From the fear of being humiliated …
From the fear of being despised…
From the fear of suffering rebukes …
From the fear of being calumniated …
From the fear of being forgotten …
From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I …
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
 
LoveTherese said:
Thank you. It’s the fact that she hates my guts and I’m clueless as to why. I’m upset because for years I’ve tried to befriend her, be the nice Catholic lady and she steps on that with whispering to others about me, saying things like “ well i thought you should know” with an attitude or literally giving me a dog face when asking a simple question. The truth is I grew up in an way where I would snap back at her and I’ve been placed to work with her the season in which I’m reading St. therese and doing novenas…sometimes I want to give her a nasty look and respond tough with her but then I’ll be that fake Christian with the catholic calendar on her desk and then all of a sudden I become a bad witness to Christ. My husband said she probably has a little demon in her that’s repulsed by my spirit seeking Christ.
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“And if you come to some place that does not accept you, shake the dust from your sandals. I assure you, Sodom and Gomorrah will fare better than that place on the day of judgment.” Christ’s words to his apostles as he sent them into the world. Jesus is saying, try, but you don’t have to put up with abuse. He is saying be assertive.

If you don’t like people walking over you, don’t let them. If you do, that is your choice. You don’t have to be nasty about it, but you can simply turn away from people who offend you. Unless your continued employment depends on getting along with the rude and spiteful, don’t let it happen. Again, if you do, it is your choice. Simple as that.
 
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Thank you so much, well my continued employment does depend on interacting with her everyday. But something just dawned on me (my husband told me actually) that maybe she is a bit unstable mentally because she is strange and angry. To some people she is so nice but when I walk in she hates me. When that first started happening it hurt my stupid baby feelings so much I would cry, now it just bothers me that I have to see her face everyday but I can act like those tough women but inside i’m a bit the same, I just want to know how I can BE that tough exterior. Is it through prayer?
 
These are just my personal thoughts. They may differ from others on the thread.
  1. When somebody takes a dislike to you seemingly “out of the blue”, it is THEIR problem, not yours. The other person’s hangup does not define you. Now if that person is your boss, it might be wise to find other employment with a different boss, but if it is just someone you see occasionally, it can be ignored.
  2. “Killing them with kindness” and just being extra sweet to them is a good way to both respond as Jesus taught us, and also to defuse any situation. It may make the person even madder at you, but at least you’ll have the comfort of knowing you did the right thing.
  3. I personally believe that just as the movie said “There’s no crying in baseball!” there’s also no crying at work unless you just witnessed a workplace disaster or received emotional news from home. You need to build your confidence so you know you are just as good as Dragon Lady and you do not cry. I can tell you right now if I’d gone around crying in my workplaces, I would not have been taken seriously as a worker.
  4. Your self esteem needs to come from within and from the fact that you are backed up by God, not from the opinion of anyone at work.
 
LoveTherese said:
I just want to know how I can BE that tough exterior. Is it through prayer?
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From an outsider’s viewpoint, it sounds like you are simply being bullied. At the heart of every bully is either a coward, or someone deathly afraid of something deep inside. Prayer is always a good start, but I would also try to find some verbal method of “combatting” your tormenter. If sugar and spice doesn’t work, need a little mustard? Good luck.
LoveTherese said:
To some people she is so nice but when I walk in she hates me.
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Ask her why? Some people will continue to act in a certain manner until confronted. As long as say nothing and suffer in silence, she will feel she has the upper hand. Make her confront her own feelings. You might find that your willingness to stand up to her is such a direct and non confrontational manner shocks her into backing down. Just ask "what do I do to offend you so much that your are so vicious (choose whatever word works) to me.
 
Thanks it’s getting better, I actually bought a book someone recommended in here and it to write out a scenario where you have anxiety and I haven’t written in so long that I let it all out, it felt good because I had to write to myself as if I were a friend and give practical advice. So i said things like she’s not well, pray for her, her hatred does not take away from you being a child of God (thank you for that) and I FEEL better and hopefully next week I’ll get closer and closer to not giving her or the other lady a second thought.
I really also appreciate Joey saying Jesus wants me to be assertive because I’m always the smiley mouse not wanting to offend. She would literally grunt while walking past me, last week i grunted back it felt so good but my husband said i lowered myself and should have ignored her.
 
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