Does God want me to be more assertive

[LoveTherese]

Thank you, what can I do to not be a target?

 

[guanophore]

I went home feeling like “i let this person get to me all day because for some reason I’m letting their feelings of me dictate my worth and how I feel about myself” and then kick myself for being so quiet and meek with them and holding back when they were snarky. I don’t know what i’m doing wrong

You have nailed the problem, which is the most difficult part. The “wrong” is in your head, and how you are thinking about what is happening. You need to be transformed by the renewing of your mind!

and then kick myself for being so quiet and meek with them and holding back when they were snarky. I don’t know what i’m doing wrong

It will also help to stop kicking yourself, especially since being quiet and meek at work is not necessarily a bad thing. Even if you didn’t “hold back when they were snarky” that would not necessarily change anything. People are rude, and you can’t change others, just yourself.

It’s the fact that she hates my guts and I’m clueless as to why.

It does not really matter “why”, and wasting your mental and emotional energy trying to figure it out is useless. You just need to deal with the behavior, and how you feel about someone hating you that you want to be civil/nice. She may hate the fearful part of herself that she sees in you, and is taking it out on you. Usually the things we most despise in others are parts of ourselves that we want to reject.

“ well i thought you should know” with an attitude or literally giving me a dog face when asking a simple question.

Sounds pretty imperious.

I become a bad witness to Christ

It is great that this is your focus, as it must be for all of us. You want to manifest the fruit of the Spirit, and this is what makes us light and salt to the world. Good job!

My husband said she probably has a little demon in her that’s repulsed by my spirit seeking Christ.

It is important to realize that the bulk of such battles is spiritual. The demons love to wreak havoc with our vulnerabilities. You are battling with a spirit of fear, and she might have other stuff going on but you should pray for her, and bless her (quietly to yourself of course) and ask God’s protection around her from the evil.

it hurt my stupid baby feelings so much I would cry,

This is not respectful of your own self. Baby feelings are not stupid, and whatever this connects to in your wounded 4 year old self is only going to get healed if you validate that these feelings are accurately speaking about what is hurtful.

 

[LoveTherese]

Hi. Thank you. Actually I’ve only stood up for myself rarely, mostly I’m meek and let this 70 year old taunt, gossip, glare and respond to me meanly whenever she feels like it because I’m afraid if I don’t shell get more of her minions to dislike me too, they already avoid me since they’re friends with her.
I’m just taking it day by day.

 

[LoveTherese]

Thank you for this, the truth is I am angry with myself for being scared of her, for caring about her not liking me and liking everyone else. It sadly disgusts me to be so honest with myself. When I see or hear her at work my heart sinks, even if I do stand up for myself just knowing there’s so much tension between us gives me so much stress. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, I will look into that book.

 

[guanophore]

I just want to know how I can BE that tough exterior. Is it through prayer?

Yes, but your prayer needs to be focused on healing your wounded inner child, and reconstructing your thinking (as she said in the video) so it conforms to Christ.

Ask her why?

I don’t think this is helpful, especially because she may not know and it just creates more tension. It really does not matter why, anyhow.

Some people will continue to act in a certain manner until confronted.

I agree with this, but the confrontation is more effective using “[I statements]”

(Blog Therapy, Therapy, Therapy Blog, Blogging Therapy, Therapy,..)

Make her confront her own feelings.

I don’t think it is helpful to try to “make” others change.

You might find that your willingness to stand up to her is such a direct and non confrontational manner shocks her into backing down.

Yes, I think this is very true. Taking an assertive stand will place some boundaries that expect civil behavior.

Just ask "what do I do to offend you so much that your are so vicious (choose whatever word works) to me.

I think this sentiment could be incorporated, at least in part, into an “I statement”

here i am raising my voice at work with a Catholic calendar on my desk being a poor witness to Christ.

Raising your voice is not necessarily a poor witness. Of course one should start with a normal volume and intensity, but raising that volume an intensity is appropriate if the recipient is not hearing.

Jesus wasn’t quiet when He was cleansing the temple!

 

[guanophore]

I’m just worried my temper will get the best of me the next time she grunts past me. Or stares at me

The “I statements” really help with this because they give you a chance to allow your anger out in a measured fashion, in small does so it does not build to an explosive point.

if I respond in the flesh to this crazy inappropriateness Im being mean to an elderly lady

This is what we call a “thinking error”. While I do agree that “grunting” and imitating her behavior would be “in the flesh”, being assertive is a form of loving interaction, and is not “mean”. Her elderly years do not give her license to be uncivil, especially in the workplace.

it’s so weird not having control of emotions.

It is the nature of emotions. While they are as much a part of our being as humans as our fingers and toes, they are not under willful control. We cannot turn them off and on like a light switch. All we can do is manage our triggers, and learn to respond rather than react.

As the woman in the video states, we correct the emotions by correcting our thinking.

Intellectually I know she’s irrelevant but my emotions when she’s near stem from places dealing with insecurities, past relationships, low self esteem and i just want to tell it to shut up and ignore her immediately!

I can fully appreciate your desire to flee, but God is clearly using this situation to bring these emotions to the surface so you can be healed of these wounds. You have good clarity about the sources of the triggers, so now is the time to let the Holy Spirit get deep into the closets and clean out all that old festering stuff. God wants you to have the fruits of the spirit, which include that peace and joy for which you yearn, and this healing is how you will get there!

what can I do to not be a target?

Do some writing as you began to do already about the roots of your feelings. Do not shy away from facing these uncomfortable memories. If you can feel it, God can heal it!

I’m afraid if I don’t shell get more of her minions to dislike me too, they already avoid me since they’re friends with her.

It is quite possible that they don’t like it either, but siding with a bully is one of the best ways to avoid being the target.

 

[TheLittleLady]

This is the perfect break down of someone who is delivered from all of those fears listed in the Litany!

 

[guanophore]

I’m just taking it day by day.

This is the best approach. This day, our daily bread!

Thank you for this, the truth is I am angry with myself for being scared of her, for caring about her not liking me and liking everyone else.

This is unfair to yourself. Your scared feelings are telling you important information about both you and her. You need to listen to them.

If you did not care whether others liked you, you would be a very unpleasant person. While we cannot base ourselves on being liked, it is quite healthy to want to be liked and feel belonging. This is how we are made!

And don’t assume that the “liking” exists between herself and others either. Everyone may just be relieved they are not the scapegoat.

 

[TheLittleLady]

From an outsider’s viewpoint, it sounds like you are simply being bullied

This term is used so much that it has almost lost meaning.

People can be gruff, snarky, snippy, rude, angry and that is not the same as bullying.

Bullying is someone using their apparent/percieved power to harm/control/humiliate/exploit another person.

Grumpy faced coworkers are grumpy faced coworkers.

 

[LoveTherese]

Thank you so very much. May I ask a practical question, the next time she walks past me and grunts and says things like “ must be nice to ——“ indirectly but definitely within ear shot what do I do? I’m at the point I don’t even know if I should ignore her or say “Excuse me? Did you say something I can’t understand grumbling” Which i would love to do but then my other coworkers who don’t know what’s going on will think i’m rude (which she probably will like)

 

[guanophore]

May I ask a practical question, the next time she walks past me and grunts and says things like “ must be nice to ——“ indirectly but definitely within ear shot what do I do? I’m at the point I don’t even know if I should ignore her or say “Excuse me?

definitely ignore everything that is unrelated to the immediate work task.

When it is work related, be direct and professional, practice using the “I statements” on your own so you will be ready to use them if and when appropriate.

Did you say something I can’t understand grumbling”

Only if it is work related. Otherwise, ignore it. Responding just adds fuel to the fire. It is a very dysfunctional way to try to connect to others, grumbling and muttering.

 

[LoveTherese]

Thank you very much! God bless you

 

[LoveTherese]

Also, what do you mean by “I statements”. Thank you

 

[TheLittleLady]

Keep working and do not engage. Make your resting face one with a slight smile and don’t register any thing other than that.

 

[TheLittleLady]

“Louise, I feel frustrated when X happens”.

vs

“Louise, please stop doing X.”

It is a modern psychology tool for diffusing arguments/fights.

 

[LoveTherese]

Thank you, my resting face is usually serious because of her all day long while she’s all happy. People think I’m miserable and have no idea it’s because of her. I will definitely practice that which you said and add a slight smile like “I’m a child of God and your negativity doesn’t take away from that truth” kind of smile. Thank you again

 

[LoveTherese]

Understood. Thank you very much, God bless you

 

[guanophore]

Also, what do you mean by “I statements”. Thank you

It is an assertive form of communication.

my resting face is usually serious because of her all day long while she’s all happy.

This is something you can fix. It is called a “half smile”. You just fix your face into a pleasant expression. You can practice in the mirror.

 

[joeybaggz]

Bullying is someone using their apparent/percieved power to harm/control/humiliate/exploit another person.

Well, from what the OP posted, this sounds pretty much like what she is experiencing. The venom from the wicked witch sure sounds controlling to me.

 

[Sarcelle]

I have the reputation of being curt and cold. That and a resting **tch face makes me intimidating to people. I make an effort to be polite all the time but when people interrupt me when I’m busy I tend to be short.

I do not set out to intimidate people but that is the result.

Maybe some of your coworkers are like that. The may not mean anything by it.