Does this sound like Dark Night of the Soul?

[roseproject]

So, the short part of it is that, recently, all the little doubts that have kind of come and gone in the back of my head have all come to the forefront of my mind suddenly, like getting hit by a truck.

I was, up until recently, living my faith the best I possibly could, knew the joys of intimacy with the Lover of my Soul, wanted nothing more than to do His will and to give every bit of myself to Him whole and entire to be used for the building of His kingdom. I would take the doubts as they come with the full trust that I would come out just fine; better even.

Last month, I finally finished paying for a pilgramage to Israel; something that has been on my to-do list for years. I also started working on a fictional story again after a long time, due to a bit of a depressive spell which was affecting my ability to enjoy writing. I have made good progress and things were going great.

Cut to a few days ago (and I can’t pin-point why), and every doubt imaginable floods my head. “Is the new testament actually reliable?” “Why would God create such a small planet for such a big plan?” “Surely morals, virtues and meaning are just fabrications.” “Do we actually need someone/thing to give us meaning?” “I should consider the possibility that God is just a convenient cop out to things we don’t understand yet…”

“Surely all this inner turmoil about it means that you are just a winy, egotistical baby that you aren’t the center of the universe for some God…and that I should just accept that I am just here as another part of nature.”

etc etc.

Nothing is fully calming my fears that God might not be. I try to find one doubt that I can break apart, and when I think I’m making some kind of ground, I tumble back and the despair and anguish I feel returns.

When it comes to prayer, the image that comes to mind is it’s like I’m in a clear box, and when I try to reach up, I very quickly hit the ceiling and can’t ascend to God, and that He can’t hear me in return.
It’s an incredible feeling of abandonment…but coupled with the possibility that there may be no one there who is abandoning me at all…

Blasphemous thoughts entering my mind at Mass like spitting out the Eucharist,
Taking every ounce of the will to keep praying,
Feeling as if I am one decision away from turning my back on it all…

And what makes matters worse is that the despair I feel is easily noticeable to my coworkers. I almost walked out yesterday because of how little I was able to compose myself. So much for being a testament for light and life for my faith.

I don’t know what to do with all this

Edit: And no, I don’t have a spiritual director yet, but I’m keeping my eyes out.

 

[po18guy]

Nah. That’s called a bad week.

Dark night of the soul goes on for years.

I’m thinkin’ you should offer it up.

 

[Irishmom2]

roseproject, I hope that you will get or continue to get help for your depression. I saw in some of your past threads that this was affecting you. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that this is just more of the same, except maybe it is hitting you harder.

Please get help so you will not struggle through each day feeling this way.

 

[mrsdizzyd]

My first thought upon reading what you wrote was OCD-like intrusive thoughts (especially about feeling compelled to spit out the Eucharist and thinking blasphemous thoughts at mass). My second thought was anxiety.

I know you have had these struggles in the past. I encourage you to reach out to your therapist. You might need to adjust your treatment plan.