Does your husband coddle you when you're sick?

[pianistclare]

Joe pampers me, yes.
All the time.
And I, in return try my best to be thoughtful, do nice things for him, surprise him with special meals from time to time, and am sensitive to when he’s feeling blue or sleepy.
In turn, he’ll always get up if I get sick in the night, he’ll literally run and bring me ice water, and he’ll get up and drive me to the parish office if I feel blah sometimes.
If I ask him to leave me be, he does.
He cooks sometimes.

His only problem??? IMPOSSIBLE to get up in the morning.
But other than that?
I’m very blessed.

 

[CroCatholic]

In our house it’s the other way around. | take care of him when he’s sick. I let him sleep and keep the kids out of his hair (we have 6) and I check in on him and bring him tea, medication etc. I know that my husband loves me very much. He doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body and always waits for me to ask if I need help with something. It took me a while to accept that he operates that way. Now I just flat out tell him what I need because if I wait for the “Honey, you go lay down. I’ll take care of this” I’ll out live Methuselah!!!

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’ll coddle my wife when it’s feasible, but if I have to work, take care of the kids, etc., then it’s much more sensible to have her hole up in the bedroom and get some rest so the rest of us don’t catch it. She actually does more coddling than I do. She gets sick more often but it’s usually nothing worse than a nasty cold and not something she really needs a lot of downtime for. I get sick less often, but when I do it’s the sort of thing that knocks me off my feet and requires bed rest. For instance, about a year and a half ago I was so sick I missed more than a week of work. I was on several medications and during the worst of it I was sleeping about 20 hours a day. She had to spend a good amount of time taking care of me, if for no other reason than to wake me up to take my medicine and make sure I was still breathing. She’s been sick at least half a dozen times since then, but at worst it’s been a low grade fever, runny nose and a cough. Not much coddling I can do other than letting her take an extra nap or two.

 

[Eliza10]

I want to answer ssa fellow’s post, even though it has nothing to do with the OP topic…

Yeah, sorry. “coddle” literally isn’t in my vocabulary. I assumed the OP meant cuddle.

Isn’t cuddling romantic? Who are gay people allowed to cuddle in the eyes of the Church? Its my understanding that I am not allowed to cuddle. Who can I cuddle with?

I think there is nothing in the catechism about not cuddling if you are gay. However, we are all to to avoid the near occasion of sin, and if cuddling with someone is romantic, or is a near occasion of sin for you, then you don’t cuddle with them.

It does seem unfair for a person who is gay, that they do not get to share human intimacy, or romantic relations, or even the companionship of someone to one-on-one share their life (with unless its clearly platonic, like a relative).

Yet God is fair. I think what makes it fair is that when God requires something huge or heroic of someone, He gives them a huge and heroic amount of miraculous grace to accomplish it.

“God is not mocked.” I take that to mean, because He wants the best for us, if He forbids something that seems unreasonable to us to forbid, it WILL be best for us if we do it HIS way. Otherwise, He could be mocked. His ways would NOT be best. But, He is not mocked. God is always right. His ways are ALWAYS best for us. (And His ways are not our ways).

We cannot out-give God. If we obey what seems to us unfair and unjust, and only rely on faith that we know He is just, and so we will do what He wants, even though it doesn’t make sense, we are giving God a LOT. And He will give MORE. He will bring us understanding and peace in our situation when we step out in faith and obedience. He always does!

I married the wrong guy and remained in a sad and lonely and cuddle-free marriage for 20 years. When I most wanted intimacy I could not have it, because the guy I was married to wasn’t in to it, and I believed God wanted me to stay married (now I think otherwise, but, I cannot out-give God – I gave Him the difficult thing I thought He wanted, and He honored my intention, even if it wasn’t His.). Then that lonely marraige ended and because I was single I also had a “cuddle-free” life, for the next 10 years, since physical intimacy belongs in marriage only.

So I know what its like to be in your shoes. Its not only gay people who are called to “cuddle-free” lives, there are lots of other people who are trying to please God who can’t enjoy intimacy.

Now I am unexpectedly enjoying intimacy because God brought me a good husband at this late period in my life. I always had hope that “The Lord will give back the years the locust has eaten” and it truly did work out that way. I also think for a gay person, they don’t know if it will ALWAYS be that way (intimacy-free life), only that it is to be so now. They cannot know what God has in store for them someday. And if it is a whole life of celibacy, I know that the joy and happiness that monks and nuns experience can be theirs, too.

… Look at monks for instance, do you think monks cuddle? No, they bear the suffering. Bearing suffering builds virtue. I fail to see how cuddling builds virtue

I am sure its a suffering sometimes but the monks I know IRL are full of peace and joy. Maybe the suffering is something you experience before you have acceptance. It worked that way for me.

 

[Xantippe]

I wish mine did, but he’s afraid of getting sick. He sleeps on the couch, will enter the room briefly to bring me something to drink or eat, then he’s gone. I was home from work and miserable all day, and really just wanted to be comforted when he finally got home at 7:30 in the evening. He did stop at the store to pick me up some soup and medicine, but a little QT would’ve gone a long way. Am I just being selfish?

I have to agree with those that say that that is basically coddling. When I’m very ill, my biggest perk is just not having to take care of other people for a couple days. I generally take 1 day “off” (maybe a little more if it’s really bad), but my husband doesn’t ever bring me food or drink. (Although frankly, I don’t believe in having food in bedrooms given the ant issues in our climate, so that’s fine.) When I’m sick (just normal sick), I can take care of myself–it’s other people that I can’t manage.

When I was pregnant with our last child I had a lot of complications in the second and third trimester. My husband had to take over my responsibilities vis a vis the big kids and laundry in the second trimester (I had had some bleeding episodes with a subchorionic hematoma) and in the third (when I had gestational diabetes) he was cooking me an egg every morning to help me keep to my diabetic diet. I also need to be pulled out of sofas when pregnant from time to time, but that’s about it.

I suppose if I were much more disabled or much more sick, I’d need more coddling, but so far, so good.

 

[Allegra]

Jesus loves you. You don’t need to be cuddled. You can get through anything without cuddles. That’s what people tell me anyways. I’m gay, and therefore can never cuddle. So, God’s love is enough, right?

Sorry if this is a hijack to your thread or whatever. Its an honest answer to your question. Unless everyone wants to just apply a double standard to me and not to other ppl.

“Would it build virtue?”

That’s what people ask me to dissuade me from pursuing any kind of physical intimacy. Do you think cuddling with your husband while sick would help you become a stronger Christian? Would it build virtue?

I think she said “coddle”.

 

[Allegra]

I have to agree with those that say that that is basically coddling. When I’m very ill, my biggest perk is just not having to take care of other people for a couple days. I generally take 1 day “off” (maybe a little more if it’s really bad), but my husband doesn’t ever bring me food or drink. (Although frankly, I don’t believe in having food in bedrooms given the ant issues in our climate, so that’s fine.) When I’m sick (just normal sick), I can take care of myself–it’s other people that I can’t manage.

When I was pregnant with our last child I had a lot of complications in the second and third trimester. My husband had to take over my responsibilities vis a vis the big kids and laundry in the second trimester (I had had some bleeding episodes with a subchorionic hematoma) and in the third (when I had gestational diabetes) he was cooking me an egg every morning to help me keep to my diabetic diet. I also need to be pulled out of sofas when pregnant from time to time, but that’s about it.

I suppose if I were much more disabled or much more sick, I’d need more coddling, but so far, so good.

I also think that fetching stuff and going to the store for stuff constitutes coddling, in my world. OP, what did you want him to do that he didn’t do? And did you ask him to do it? Your desires may not have been selfish, but it’s a little unreasonable to be disappointed that a man didn’t read your mind. Now, if he said, “Bwah! I just brought you your medicine and now you want water with it too? Forget it! I’m not a slave!” then I would say he needs to be cracked upside the head.

 

[pianistclare]

I also think that fetching stuff and going to the store for stuff constitutes coddling, in my world. OP, what did you want him to do that he didn’t do? And did you ask him to do it? Your desires may not have been selfish, but it’s a little unreasonable to be disappointed that a man didn’t read your mind. Now, if he said, “Bwah! I just brought you your medicine and now you want water with it too? Forget it! I’m not a slave!” then I would say he needs to be cracked upside the head.

 

[dconklin]

In our house it’s the other way around. | take care of him when he’s sick. I let him sleep and keep the kids out of his hair (we have 6) and I check in on him and bring him tea, medication etc. I know that my husband loves me very much. He doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body and always waits for me to ask if I need help with something. It took me a while to accept that he operates that way. Now I just flat out tell him what I need because if I wait for the “Honey, you go lay down. I’ll take care of this” I’ll out live Methuselah!!!

I like this post. A couple of years ago someone turned me onto the Five Love Languages book. It is sorta-kinda like a Meyers-Briggs test for couples. It is written by a Christian and has many Christian philosophies. The idea is to first determine what your love language is and then compare it to your spouse’s.

 

[Aggie414]

I will agree with several of the previous posters. You need to tell him/ask him what you need. Men are different from women. They perceive things differently. I’ve very rarely seen a man (I have four sisters all of whom are married plus many married friends – and I’m dating someone) who would not do something when asked. They just don’t necessarily notice things like women do so they don’t do some action that women normally would automatically. I’m learning that with my boyfriend. If he’s at my house and I ask him to do something, he does; but he doesn’t always notice that it’s getting close to taking the trash out, et cetera.

 

[MomaMary8]

The last time I was ill (vomiting) my DH brought me a drink, which I couldn’t drink because I was vomiting . I had to get myself ice chips when I could manage to move without wrenching. That evening he and my eldest asked me what was for dinner. I could sit up at that point and actually talk, so I guess they thought I was better

I may not have felt coddled, but my DH thought he was taking care of me by keeping everyone out of my room. BTW I told them that vomits earns a free pass from cooking for that day. They managed

Re virtue and cOddling:
The corporal works of mercy may help in your discussion:
(1) Feed the hungry.
(2) Give drink to the thirsty.
(3) Clothe the naked.
(4) Shelter the homeless.
(5) Visit those in prison.
(6) Comfort the sick.
(7) Bury the dead.

No mention of pampering

 

[His_helpmeet]

I wish mine did, but he’s afraid of getting sick. He sleeps on the couch, will enter the room briefly to bring me something to drink or eat, then he’s gone. I was home from work and miserable all day, and really just wanted to be comforted when he finally got home at 7:30 in the evening. He did stop at the store to pick me up some soup and medicine, but a little QT would’ve gone a long way. Am I just being selfish?

As a nurse, I’ve worked through several outbreaks of illnesses and never gotten sick - because I was very careful about things like hand hygiene (and isolation precautions, but most people don’t have gloves and gowns available in their own homes). Hubby generally does coddle me when I’m sick - he brings me things, checks up on me, and snuggles. In our area, there are prophylactic over-the-counter supplements available that can help to prevent certain illnesses. You can check with your care provider to see if such things might be appropriate for your husband if he’s worried about getting sick.

Keeping a bottle of hand sanitizer around and reminding hubby not to touch his face after he touches you until he’s cleaned his hands might be helpful.

 

[underacloud]

I also think that fetching stuff and going to the store for stuff constitutes coddling, in my world. OP, what did you want him to do that he didn’t do? And did you ask him to do it? Your desires may not have been selfish, but it’s a little unreasonable to be disappointed that a man didn’t read your mind. Now, if he said, “Bwah! I just brought you your medicine and now you want water with it too? Forget it! I’m not a slave!” then I would say he needs to be cracked upside the head.

I will agree with several of the previous posters. You need to tell him/ask him what you need. Men are different from women. They perceive things differently. I’ve very rarely seen a man (I have four sisters all of whom are married plus many married friends – and I’m dating someone) who would not do something when asked. They just don’t necessarily notice things like women do so they don’t do some action that women normally would automatically. I’m learning that with my boyfriend. If he’s at my house and I ask him to do something, he does; but he doesn’t always notice that it’s getting close to taking the trash out, et cetera.

Yep.

Most men, when faced with a problem, go into problem solving mode. So, if the problem is that someone is sick - well - you bring them drinks, food, medicine, run errands, and leave the sick person to rest.

Expecting more is probably unrealistic and arguably unreasonable.

I also suggest that on many occassions, for certain people, “coddling” can prolong the ordeal. It’s tempting to play up an illness (even subconsciously) when you’re being pampered.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Yep.

Most men, when faced with a problem, go into problem solving mode. So, if the problem is that someone is sick - well - you bring them drinks, food, medicine, run errands, and leave the sick person to rest.

Expecting more is probably unrealistic and arguably unreasonable.

Right. And sometimes you have to give the guy instructions on how to fix the problem. DH is a great guy. He also isn’t naturally the nurturing/coddling type. If I’m sick, I have to outline what I need from him, and oftentimes a timeframe for it as well.

24 hours after getting sent home from the hospital after DD’s birth, I was stressed out of my MIND because I was sore, totally exhausted, nursing wasn’t working, baby screaming, etc…and then DH asked me what was for dinner. I had to stop and take a really deep breath before I answered, in a reasonable tone, “peanut butter and jelly, and please make me one while you’re at it; I’m starving. Thanks!” Which he immediately did, and with good grace.

Now, I wanted very much to scream “what the @*$# is WRONG with you?! You’ve spent all day playing video games while I struggled and struggled, and I just had major abdominal surgery, and I am so tired I can barely see, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU DINNER?!!” Arguably, I had a reasonable point or two in there. However, I never once asked him “Could you hold the baby while I nap/take a shower/eat and drink something/take a break,” and he honestly thought, since I was lying on the couch the whole time, that I must be fine since I was resting.

 

[maryjk]

Yes, he does.

And he is very good at it.

He brings me food, drink, the remote, stuff to do.

And he cooks and cleans while I am down and out.

Sometimes I think he is better at it than I am.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Yes, he does.

And he is very good at it.

He brings me food, drink, the remote, stuff to do.

And he cooks and cleans while I am down and out.

Sometimes I think he is better at it than I am.

Hubby cooks most of the time for us, because we are only together as a family on his days off. (He works 12-hour nights as a security guard, 4 on, 4 off, and DSD is with us on his days off.) He is great at coming up with additions to recipes. I should get him to write down his Hamburger Helper recipe sometime