Domestic violence

[WannaBAnon]

I’ve been dating a guy for about a year and a half. We’re discerning marriage, and we’ve both agreed that we think marriage is right for us. He has two children from an annulled marriage before.

One of the topics that has come up in conversation has been domestic violence. He told me from the beginning that he considers spanking children to fall into the category of domestic violence. Let’s be honest - I don’t. But hey, I can respect his opinion, and when we have kids we can find appropriate ways to discipline kids without resorting to spanking, since he feels that stongly about it. I don’t really feel that hitting kids is necessary beyond smacking a child’s hand away from a hot stove.

Another thing he told me way back when is that the only time he would hit a woman is if she was abusing or neglecting his kids. I said yeah, I understand. Mama-bear instinct (well, papa-bear in this case) makes you wild to protect your kids.

Well, he called me yesterday and told me that he had hit his ex-wife. Not a long time ago, but yesterday. He went over to her place to pick up the kids for a visit, and both the kids had bruises on their bodies, and the older girl (7) had scratches on her face. Neither had eaten. An argument ensued. His ex-wife admitted that she hurt the kids, and he slapped her in the face.

In the 48 hours leading up to this, his ex-wife was ranting and raving about him to anyone who’d listen. We’ve never met in person, but we have each other’s phone numbers in case of emergency, and she sent me 24 SMS messages that were illogical and rather frightening - one or two messages every three hours all weekend. Most of the stuff in the messages didn’t make sense - for example, she accused him of not having visited the kids in over a week, when I saw them with him on Friday. I was working all weekend, so I just ignored the messages.

I haven’t seen my boyfriend since he told me he hit his ex-wife, but I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it. On the one hand, it’s horrifying to me that he hit a woman. On the other hand, it’s even more horrifying to me that his ex-wife hit the kids hard enough to bruise and scratch them - these kids are seven and four! But that doesn’t make hitting her right. I’m frankly stunned that he’d hit her, even after what he said about only hitting a woman if she abused his kids.

And then he’s stunned that she hurt the kids, and he’s gone off to his lawyer to talk about what he should do about trying to get the custody agreement changed.

So yeah. I’m kind of reeling. My first instinct is to grab those kids and hug them and never let go. I don’t have kids of my own, but the pain of knowing these ones were hurt is real to me - would I have slapped their mother if I’d been the one to discover the abuse? I have no way of knowing. And then I’m wondering, will I be looking back, ten years down the road, saying “he showed his true colors on that day, and I ignored them when I should have run”?

So yeah. Advice? Run and don’t look back? Or just take a step back for awhile and see how things stand?

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hmmm, I don’t know what to think, but my instinct is to say…stop seeing this man. I wouldn’t marry a man who hits women…I get the reason, but you were not there to witness it, you are only hearing his side, which is interesting that he told you. Perhaps, it is what he says. I don’t know. But, if it were me, I think I’d end this. Suppose you upset him someday enough, will he strike you, too? Discern long and hard about this situation.

God bless–I’ll be praying for you!*

 

[apromisemade]

I would put any kind of a romantic relationship on hold for now. He had a right be be angry but striking her was not constructive, it’s a very immature response, especially for a man. Hitting her didn’t solve anything, it’s not helpful in any situation, they teach us that from the time we’re small children.

If he had done it in a spur of the moment out of sudden anger, it still would’ve been wrong. But I’m almost more bothered by the fact he and rationalized and justified it beforehand in his own mind. Sounds to me like maybe he’d hit her before and didn’t want you to be shocked by him doing it again.

I’d play it safe in this situation if I were you. Stop seeing him.

 

[OnFire4Christ]

For a man to hit a woman is wrong wrong wrong. (Even the other way around is quite horrifying - but just not quite as, for some reason) But If I were a father (which is hard to imagine since I’m a woman - bear with me…) And I saw my children abused… yes, based on what you described, I classify that as cold hard abuse… then I could probably imagine myself hitting ANYONE who was the perpetrator - male or female, beating to be exact… but it really depends on the situation. If I caught the person in the act of hurting my children, then that would probably be my course of action. But as you described…“An argument ensued. His ex-wife admitted that she hurt the kids, and he slapped her in the face.” That’s a little different, because it was an argument in which he was told something horrifying and he got extremely angry and slapped her… he demonstrated a loss of control, of his emotions - he himself acted abusively when upset by someone… And that can happen in any argument that you might have with him later on, what if he hits you then? My advice to you is to have one SERIOUS conversation with him. One that states that you are COMPLETELY against what his ex- wife did (and assure him that you would never ever ever ever act that way) but that having a “hitting” principle is wrong too and that the way he reacted is unacceptable. Then soften him up by saying that you’ll help do whatever it takes to protect those children. Protect those children, that’s number one here. Then if you are still discerning marriage, re-think the “spanking” opinions with him and convince him that there IS a difference between spanking to teach (appropriate spanking of course…) and what his ex-wife did - this will most likely be hard for him to accept seeing as though he was firmly against it in the first place and then look what happens when someone disagreed with him- what he feared, the extreme… it is of the utmost importance that you two AGREE on how to raise children. Assure him again that you think what his ex-wife did was wrong (which, is-have no doubt) If he doesn’t end up agreeing with you then you have to be v e r y cautious with this man, because that means that he will be willing to hit you someday if he feels he has the “right”… not to mention the fact that he demonstrates a complete lack of trust in you! My instincts are telling me also as whatevergirl to leave him, but, only if you can’t get him to agree with you and understand the difference. If he does however see your point then you are starting to move a step forward. And then it gets harder, you have to make him understand that what he did was wrong and that it set a bad example to his children, but that you also understand and admire his protectiveness over his children. And then you deliver the bombshell, this has to be extremely serious… you tell him like it’s engraved in stone or something: That if he raises a hand to you, whatsoever, you’re through. Whether he deems there be a worthy cause or not, you WILL not condone it. And get him to promise you (then assure him again and again that you wouldn’t repeat what his ex did) But get him to agree and PROMISE you, or you leave. (and please, make sure he knows that you’re not going to take advantage of his promise and then go all crazy on his and your future children… which is obvious and shouldn’t cross his mind if you’ve already assured him that you would never act the way his ex-wife did… if he promises, he trusts…) I know this is a hard thing to do but it has to be done, and I hate advising you to leave him, but if that’s the way the road turns then be strong and do it. Remember, protect those kids with him for now. You are in a preetty sheetty situation right now, I appreciate your concern for them and I’m happy that you are well aware of your situation because most victims of abuse in a relationship are blinded. You are most definitely in my prayers. May God protect you and present you with the the right thing to choose as well as give you the courage and strength to do so. May His divine mercy pour out to your boyfriend and his ex-wife for what they’ve done and may his graces shower those children. Good luck, God bless, have faith.
Sincerely,
OnFire
P.S. If anything else happens, please give an update (of course, if you don’t mind) maybe as things progress me and others will come up with more advice… I will truly pray…

 

[OnFire4Christ]

“But I’m almost more bothered by the fact he and rationalized and justified it beforehand in his own mind.” - apromisemade

Yes, that has me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, the most uncomfortable part of the situation actually for me, other than what the children endured of course… that man needs to understand…

 

[WannaBAnon]

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m still thinking about this. On the one hand, I love this man, and I was so sure marrying him was right. There’s that it won’t happen to me voice saying that he wouldn’t hit me. But then, I’d be a fool to count on it.

I don’t want to give up this relationship just like that. Things were going so well, and then boom! Obviously, things will be on hold for a while - he’s got to figure out the custody thing, going back to court to change it if necessary - we’re not talking about getting married soon anyway, so we’d still have at least a year until we did if we do.

I think we need a serious, serious talk. When he said he’d hit a woman who’d abuse his kids, I thought that was just talk, you know? Like when guys say they’d cut a man’s … equipment … off if he raped their sister or daughter. Something guys say, and clearly feel, but nobody ever really does. Now that he has really hit a woman, it’s different.

I like the idea of talking to him and saying I’d never hit or abuse his kids, but he can never hit a woman. Ever. Ever. Not me. Not someone else. Not his ex-wife, even if she abuses the kids again. That’s for the cops to deal with, not him. What did it gain him, to hit her? Do his kids still have bruises? Does he feel any better about the situation? All he did was scare her, scare me, and presumably scare the kids, too. (I didn’t ask whether they were there in the room when he hit her.)

So, yeah. I need to have a long talk with him and say that I can’t marry him as things stand. I can’t even date him as things stand. I just can’t. But I don’t want to just leave and say goodbye, either.

 

[apromisemade]

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m still thinking about this. On the one hand, I love this man, and I was so sure marrying him was right. There’s that it won’t happen to me voice saying that he wouldn’t hit me. But then, I’d be a fool to count on it.

I don’t want to give up this relationship just like that. Things were going so well, and then boom! Obviously, things will be on hold for a while - he’s got to figure out the custody thing, going back to court to change it if necessary - we’re not talking about getting married soon anyway, so we’d still have at least a year until we did if we do.

I think we need a serious, serious talk. When he said he’d hit a woman who’d abuse his kids, I thought that was just talk, you know? Like when guys say they’d cut a man’s … equipment … off if he raped their sister or daughter. Something guys say, and clearly feel, but nobody ever really does. Now that he has really hit a woman, it’s different.

I like the idea of talking to him and saying I’d never hit or abuse his kids, but he can never hit a woman. Ever. Ever. Not me. Not someone else. Not his ex-wife, even if she abuses the kids again. That’s for the cops to deal with, not him. What did it gain him, to hit her? Do his kids still have bruises? Does he feel any better about the situation? All he did was scare her, scare me, and presumably scare the kids, too. (I didn’t ask whether they were there in the room when he hit her.)

So, yeah. I need to have a long talk with him and say that I can’t marry him as things stand. I can’t even date him as things stand. I just can’t. But I don’t want to just leave and say goodbye, either.

I think making your postition clear to him that you cannot marry him as long as thing are the way they are, as long as he considers in acceptable in any way shape or form to hit a woman, is a good plan.

Just be careful.

He may just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. You know he’s capable, and believe me, if he’ll do it to the mother of his children, regardless of her abhorrent behavior, he’ll do it to you.

It’s not just a question of hitting a woman it’s a question of being physically violent with somebody weaker than he is.

I think the plan you have is a good one, and I’m not trying to tell you you need to sleep with a gun under your pillow, I’m just saying be cautious.

 

[Irish_Becca]

I would definitely step back. I would tell him you want to spend a few weeks alone to think things over. If he respects you, this will be fine with him. I think the Holy Spirit will guide you during this time, without his influence. The Holy Spirit will not steer you wrong.

I think in your heart, you may know that you don’t want the baggage that comes with this man for the rest of your life. We have a crazy ex, and a man who hits women - for whatever reason - he may just be able to justify anything away. Please, take a few weeks and pray for clarity.

 

[Christy_Beth]

He said he would hit a woman if she abused or neglected his children. What’s his definition of neglect? Basically it looks to me like he’s leaving it wide open.

 

[GhostMan]

When a man hits a woman it is a form of control. He is using a very large weapon, physical dominance, to exert his will. A man capable of hitting one woman is capable of hitting any woman. that’s not to say he will hit you, but he is obviously capable of it.

Do you see signs of controlling behavior in him? These will only ramp up as your relationship lasts longer. Watch these red flags.

 

[domini_canus]

So yeah. Advice? Run and don’t look back? Or just take a step back for awhile and see how things stand?

I advise standing back for a while and seeing how things stand. As a father of five children, I can appreciate this man’s position: it is right to stand up for the defenseless (little children being abused by an adult). When I was a kid, I wished to God that someone would come along and kill the guy who nightly abused me… so, stand by that good man for being a defender of innocence and helplessness! Do not think that a measure of violence is always wrong; just look at Jesus in the Temple market. No one was injured in your man’s defense of his children, just as no one was injured in Jesus’ tantrum. Sometimes, people need a jolt to wake them up. This is just my two cents, speaking from a childhood of torture…

 

[whatevergirl]

*I think you have been given great advice, Wannab.

My one question though…if the kids had bruises all over them, clearly had been neglected, and not eating…etc…why didn’t he call the police? Why would he smack her, and then leave the kids in that mess? That is the thing that doesn’t make sense to me.

Also, I just think it’s a red flag when a man says…“I’ll hit a woman if…” My husband and I have been married for nearly 18 years, and he has never raised a hand to me. Now, for self defense reasons…I can see a need. Men and women shouldn’t be striking each other, period. His theory of defending his kids, but how did he defend them? He hit the mom, and then left? I mean, again…how is that defending them? Will he continue to hit her, if he continues to go there and sees the same things over and over?

So, that’s why I wonder why he didn’t stay there, and call the police. Not sure why this woman has custodial rights to the kids, to begin with. I realize this is a message board, so it’s hard to post every, single detail, but something seems to be missing here.

I will pray for you and for those poor kids –I sent you a pm, too. (((hugs)))*

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I don’t want to give up this relationship just like that. Things were going so well, and then boom!

Yep. That’s usually the way it happens. But when things go boom for some people, it’s AFTER the vows.

There’s two kinds of men. Those who hit women and those who don’t. Mine told me he’d cut his right arm off rather than ever hurt me. He still has his right arm. I have my own injuries. You’ve been warned. And I disagree profoundly with the poster who said no one was hurt in that incident. The ex wife was assaulted. The kids may have even seen it. People WERE hurt.

When I was engaged, my fiance told me that if he ever thought his wife was playing head games with him or holding back in the relationship, he’d leave. Right there he was telling me he didn’t think a marriage vow was permanent. But being in love, I thought, “Well, I’m safe. I’ll never play head games with him. I’m not that kind.” Well, several years into the marriage he THOUGHT I was. Didn’t matter if his thoughts corresponded to reality, he acted on it. Walked. Marriage wasn’t permanent to him. I was warned, but I ignored it. I made excuses for him and thought he perceived me as I perceived myself.

I’m interested in what the grounds for your fiance’s annulment are. I suspect this isn’t the first time he has hit his ex wife. And I bet my bottom dollar that he was abused growing up, so he has huge issues with that. And often abused people grow up to be abusers themselves if they don’t get help.

Someday, do you want to be dealing with his messed up kids, trying to discipline them and have him come after YOU? You don’t even agree on discipline now. The kids are cute and cuddly now. A few years of this insanity and you’re going to have an ex-wife with issues, a volcano of a husband and two teenagers who are mad at the world. You want to add your own small children to this cauldron?

Run. Fast. Now.

Just my two cents. Don’t spend a lot of time talking this to death. He’ll cry, tell you what you want to hear, vow never to touch you, blame his ex wife for pushing him over the edge, act valiant in the defense of children and turn assault into a virtue.

Maybe that woman was perfectly sane before she married him and bred with him. You don’t know the whole story. I promise you that. Where there is smoke there is fire. You’ve seen this is a man who will snap if provoked. Listen to your gut!

Good luck!

 

[Sillara]

Maybe that woman was perfectly sane before she married him and bred with him. You don’t know the whole story. I promise you that. Where there is smoke there is fire.

I find that statement to be rather arrogant. “Where there is smoke there is fire”?

I do not have first-hand experience with child abuse, but I know that, were my children somehow put in a situation where they were abused and neglected, I would want someone to stand up for them, even to the point of violence if necessary.

Oh, and not all abused children grow up to be abusers. That is a blanket statement which is offensive to those who have overcome past abuse.

 

[domini_canus]

Oh, and not all abused children grow up to be abusers. That is a blanket statement which is offensive to those who have overcome past abuse.

Quoted for truth.

 

[whatevergirl]

I find that statement to be rather arrogant. “Where there is smoke there is fire”?

I do not have first-hand experience with child abuse, but I know that, were my children somehow put in a situation where they were abused and neglected, I would want someone to stand up for them, even to the point of violence if necessary.

Oh, and not all abused children grow up to be abusers. That is a blanket statement which is offensive to those who have overcome past abuse.

I don’t disagree, with wishing to protect one’s children from someone who is abusing them…but he hit the ex and then left, it sounds like…and if the kids went with him, only to be returned to her…that doesn’t make sense. I would have called the police, if I felt my kids were in that much danger…not hit someone, and then leave the kids to remain in an abusive household. Something doesn’t make sense.

Either way, I don’t think that continuing along in a relationship where a man sets things up by saying…basically…‘I’ll hit ya if you do this and this…’ I wouldn’t want to move forward with someone like that, and to be perfectly honest…his kids should be coming first before pursuing a love interest with someone else, ESPECIALLY if his kids are in danger with his ex wife. He should be making gaining custody his number one priority…This doesn’t sound like a typical split between two people. It sounds like his ex ‘could’ be volatile…and these kids are in a bad place. His dating needs to take a backburner, until he figures out what he is going to do to make things better for those kids. *

 

[whatevergirl]

*Oops, ok I reread, and it looks like he was picking the kids up for his visit, sorry! I missed that, but why didn’t he call the police, if they hadn’t eaten, if there were bruises? Then, to return the kids to the same household you claim is abusive, how is that protecting them? I get the whole legal/courts/custody thing, but if you are certain that your kids are being abused, you get the police involved. I mean, that’s a crime, to abuse kids.

That is the link that doesn’t make sense to me.

Wannab…you have a lot on your plate. Personally, the more I think about this, your boyfriend should really make his kids number one priority…not saying he doesn’t, but he needs to get custody, etc squared away, before he can move on with you. That is my thought on it. Either way, I think that a break is necessary–and personally, I wouldn’t date someone who hit his ex. I think it’s good he told you, but he might have told you to put fear into you…see, this is what I do, if my kids are not taken care of. I think he snapped out of emotion for his kids, but without you being there, you won’t know the full truth. Don’t believe everything a man tells you, who you don’t know all that long. I just think there are plenty of men out in the world for you to pursue, who don’t have these issues…and aren’t hitting women…for ANY reasons. It just seems like an awful lot to step into if you were to marry this guy.

Good luck to you. *

 

[iluvmybabies]

I agree with Whatevergirl…What if one day you upset him that much or he’s in a really bad mood because of his exwife and kids, etc and takes it out on you “accidentally?” What then? I honestly don’t think there is any reason whatsoever to hit a woman, he could have called the cops locked her in the closet or in her bedroom so she wouldn’t have ran away and called the cops not hit her…BECAUSE what if this is the reason she mistreats the children? What if his side of the story is true, and she admits to being a terrible mother, so terrible that she actually abuses her children, well these children wouldn’t be loving of anything…I know several whom have been abused at such a young age so badly of not being fed regularly and beaten often, they are never happy, never content and they don’t show it at all…They are always in misery…and very unhealthy…SO badly that when people have seen these children cops had been called up on their parents and taken from them…So do you think she’s really that bad of a mother or person to deserve to be hit?

Also let’s pretend his story is all made up like she claims…Let’s pretend that she does feed the children and that they were playing with each other and then started figthing and then got hurt-scratched each other- or grabbed a toy and threw at each other–and when he got there she hadn’t fed them yet because she was busy doing other things-laundry, shower, bathroom usage, picking up the house, calming the children-etc…And he hit her just because?

See there are so many times I am running around doing stuff or don’t feel well enough to get up on time to feed the kids right at the second…It might take me a few minutes later to start up on lunch, I will give them a snack before lunch and dinner and drinks to hold them off, but they can perfectly well say “we haven’t eaten yet!” And it is technically true. Or I could be taking a shower thinking it will be quick and will have plenty of time to feed the kids before they get hungry and half way through the shower I am getting the heck knocked out of my bathroom door with all of them screaming that they are “starving!” And it’s like 10 mins ago you weren’t what in the world? LOL And my kids horse around so much they always and I mean 99% of the time end up getting hurt. If it’s not the dogs jumping on top of the kids and scratching the **** out of them from playing around so much, it’s them for not getting along because one wants to play this but the other wants to play that and then things get thrown “accidentally” etc…And then I am stuck looking at them with a bruised cheek or eye or arm or leg and I just stand there with this disbelief and I ask them if they had fun beating each other up…Or my Angel climbing on to my drawers and jumping onto the bed, one time he hit the corner of the nightstand I almost had a heart attack!!! Of course they apologize and so far this week we have been accident free!! YAY!!!

But anyone would look at them would think they were abused…Like the times I have taken them to the doctor because they hurt themselves like when Angel busted his head open, from horsing around with his cousin, they ended up shoving each other against the side of the wall that was made out of brick, huge gush on the side of his head!!! Or the day he snuck out of the house and went to the back yard to play, it was raining…I went outside through the back to throw away garbage and saw him, I yelled for him, he started running ran up the stairs to get into the house he started running and ran into the corner of the hall archway…His toe started bleeding and everything…Went to the doctor, they stripped him down etc and I am like “looking for something?” As if I would ever touch my kids like that…Yeah like I am that crazy!!!

When I was growing up we did get spanked a lot and I mean a lot! With the iron chord, with a huge thick cow leather belt, with bamboo sticks…with high heels…Whatever was in my mother’s reach…It was normal back then and it was life. Several times mother broke skin from myself and my younger brother…But again that was normal and acceptable. When I was 15 I threatened to run away, my father grabbed that leather belt and my legs and butt were literally black and blue, I couldn’t sit down for a week. I was in so much pain in school and during late spring, instead of wearing shorts it was long and thick pants…But hey many would agree I deserved it…

The furthest I have ever gone with my kids is with a belt, or a little thin tree branch, spanking them a couple of times with jeans on…So it doesn’t sting that much just gives them a scare, and I think I have spanked them during their lifetime 3-5 times, like once a year or once every 2 years or once every 3 years, lol, when it’s seriously necessary! My mother would hit us where we were uncovered, LOL, made sure we felt it…She was great at getting us with them high heels too, always on the same spot in the head…LOL GOOD TIMES yeah GOOD TIMES!

 

[iluvmybabies]

One time I had long fake salon style nails and I was horsing around with my then 8 year old daughter, I ended up scratchin a piece of skin of her nose! I hated myself I couldn’t believe by playing around I could do that to her. I have never worn them nails ever again…And she’s now 11…

But to ever hurt one of my children enough to hurt them and because I feel like it…No way…

And then to be hit by a man just because he thinks I did or didn’t do something…I don’t think so…

My exhusband raised his hand at me once, I ended up knocking him to the ground with a frying pan…The kids weren’t around until my grandmother brought them in the house…They then saw what had happened…It wasn’t the first time he had hit me and for whatever reason it’s not deserving ever. That turns into anger, fear, hate, and darkness. My exhusband took me to a darker side-literellay- I never even imagined existed…And made me not like myself very much-more than what I don’t all ready…BUT the point is that he went and told everyone that I hit him first and then he had to defend himself because I was being obnoxious to him and the kids… I was like huh? My kids weren’t even around, until grandma brought them in…And if it wasn’t because he always raised his hand at me and I never had defended myself before, I had to defend myself this time…

So you don’t really know what happened and until you hear both stories you will not know…

Like my exhusband’s new wife… She asked me why things didn’t work out, and what happened. I wanted to tell her my side of my story, no lies no fibs, no make believe, no insults, no rudeness, just plain truth to help her realize that what she was getting into was not for the best for her and her kids…BUT then again I told myself and was told by many other’s it wasn’t my business let her find out herself…Who knew maybe she was the lucky one he would actually change for, positively? Well as far as I know she’s not with him, even though he swears his wife loves him more than anything and he loves her more than the world… Who knows what happened there…

So the best thing for you to do is to keep your mind open and hear both sides…Don’t believe just one story because you are in love with him, be open to both sides if you want to hear what happened. If they both sound too ridiculous to believe then maybe things aren’t really over between them and if I were you I would run…If they both sound too crazy or things get hysterical, again run as far as you can and as fast as you can…If they seem like they were both honest and somewhere down the line you hear similarity in their story, then maybe you could talk to him some more and maybe you can work things out better…you know?

If you don’t want to deal with any of the ****, then just RUN!!! RUN AWAY!! As fast as you can!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And often abused people grow up to be abusers themselves if they don’t get help.

To the posters who misquoted me in order to condemn me, get the quote right at least!

OFTEN does not mean ALWAYS! And “If they don’t get help” is a caveat.

There is no arrogance in my post. Only experience.

LuvMyBabies is entirely correct. I know what it’s like to be the “ex-wife accused of abuse.” But if I was so “abusive” why did he walk off for a year leaving me with three babies all alone?

I know what it’s like to be written up in a divorce petition as “abusive” because a child who was double-jointed pulled away from me when I was holding her hand and pulled her elbow out of the socket. I took the little one to the emergency room and they rotated it and gave her a popsicle. $400 and a scathing write-up in a divorce petition later. From the same guy who ran one of the kids into something while playing and she needed brain surgery. But that was an “accident.”

I could feed my kids at that age till the cows came home and they’d say they didn’t want it and claim they weren’t fed. Even as full plates were on the table. (You mean you don’t like spaghetti this week? You LOVED it last week!)

The OP is with someone who may not be giving her all the facts. I wasn’t. I married someone without knowing the real reason he had two broken engagements before he married me. He said they were “unstable.”



No! They were SANE! They broke up with him! I was the crazy one for putting on a dress and promising to love him till I died.

Get out now! He’s already told you he’ll hit you if he thinks you deserve it. Facts don’t matter.

I repeat. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. In that annulment petition, one or both of them was found to be incapable of carrying out a real marriage or unable to give full consent, or had a lack of due discretion. You have the right to know that full history before you become wife #2. I personally wouldn’t wait around for the answer. There’s plenty other men out there.