Done with Confession

[Thoughtfulone]

Really? You’re not afraid of going to hell? Really?

Sure I’m afraid of hell, but not enough to make me wish I had never done it in the first place. Like I said, if I hadn’t committed the sin, I would not be with my husband today, I would not have my son and I would not be pregnant with my 2nd baby. I would not be able to put all of those things and my hedonistic lifestyle behind me with no regrets. If I had been perfect, I think I would always wonder if I could have had more fun and been a little wild and crazy for awhile Now that I have done those things, I can say that I have had many experiences that were fun at the time but now I know that they were wrong and I can live my life according to God’s will for me. I simply CANNOT separate these things because they are inseparable. I have meditated on the passion, prayed for contrition, etc. but I cannot get to the point of “hatred and detestation for the sin committed” and I’m not sure I ever will. I feel like I’m standing outside knocking on the door but nobody will let me in. I can’t keep trying forever. Psychologically, it’s torture

 

[Elizabeth502]

The problem is, I don’t think I even have imperfect contrition, so why go to confession?

Spoken by the character of Michael Corleone in Godfather III, confession scene in Rome with Cardinal, in the courtyard:

What is the point of confessing, if I do not repent?

Response from Cardinal:

I hear you are a practical man. What have you got to lose?

Result was Michael’s confession of his most horrendous scenes, in which he broke down and became contrite. He lost this sanctifying grace when he reverted to his former behavior nevertheless. In his case, a single confession was insufficient to address his long-standing behavior & habits. In such a case an effective conversion would have at the very least required a renunciation of an ongoing lifestyle, including his position as The Don.

 

[AnneTeresa]

What makes you feel you are “not contrite enough”? Is there a certain level of contrition we should experience or feel? I believe we put too much emphasis on the wrong things, just my opinion here. Some times we just go through the motions and don’t feel things, or see things. But, and this is a very big but, sometimes obedience is all we have to get us to the Kingdom of God, quote of Sister Faustina!

If we believe what the Church teaches is full truth, then there is no exception to that truth. If we don’t believe that, then its time to go and learn why She teaches what She teaches to find where the untruth is. Is the untruth coming from Mother Church, or our not fully formed consciences? I know for a fact that my reservations in my past were totally on me. My unbelief was because of my lack of knowledge and understanding. Still there are times that I simply go through the motions, but that’s okay, because I know the Church teaches nothing but truth, so I’ll submit.

I have been married for over 23 years, and my wife and I dated 4 years before that. We’ve been together since September 23, 1983, married in June of '87. I would be untruthful to say that we didn’t partake in the same sin you mention. I have confessed those sins. I regret disobeying God. I don’t regret my wife. Do I wish we had been strong enough to wait until married? Yes, but we didn’t so it is what it is. I remember in my mind every time we were together in those four years. To say that I regret loving my girlfriend, I would say no not at all! On the other hand, I regret not loving God as I do now. Had I loved Him as much as I do now, I would have never been able to partake in fornication.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, we can’t just put portions of our lives in a box and say, “that was wrong so I must regret that it ever happened.” It’s much more complicated than that. It’s called a journey. We walk it together and we learn as we go, most often in our mistakes. We must take advantage of these events, and learn how to make our relationships better because of them; our relationships with our spouses, but most importantly with God. Confession, Eucharist and all the sacraments are just that, our relationship with God. Please don’t pass the opportunity to have relations with our Lord. He calls us; the catechism states that even before we call on Him, He has called us to conversation. He initiates the dialogue. Anything we do is in response to Him!!!

You know, the hardest thing I have ever had to do was to forgive myself. 16 years ago my wife and I made a choice in ignorance to permanently sterilize our relations. We chose surgical birth control over God’s will for our family. This was probably the most difficult thing I have ever tried to “get over”. I still have times when I try to picture what my family would look like had I not fallen into that trap. But it’s done; next step is to forgive myself! God the Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit, has already forgiven us, why can’t we forgive ourselves?

Sorry this is so long. I started writing and this is where I ended up. I hope it helps to let you know you are not alone, just keep searching, He has been looking for us long before we began searching for Him.

Gary, thank you so much for this message. It helped me a lot too!

 

[AnneTeresa]

Ha! I love this!

 

[cominghome1966]

… I don’t really regret my past. I wish I had not offended God, and if I were confronted with the same situation now I would fight against the sin, but I cannot say that I wish it had never happened because that would be untrue. I just don’t have that “detestation for the sin committed” and I have prayed for it.

I am very very new here and not well versed in Catholic teaching. I’ve been reading a TON of information though, and I AM well versed in the Bible. So I wanted to share a thought I had about your issue.

If I am not mistaken, I think the problem here is your understanding of the objective nature of the sin, vs your subjective experience of it.

I think I can say quite confidently that if you absolutely KNEW that it was a mortal sin, you would feel these emotions you say you lack.

But you don’t KNOW that it was a mortal sin… well, hmmm, let me rephrase that: what I mean is that you know it with your head, but not with your heart.

Actually, let me pose it as a question since I cannot possibly know what is going on inside of you!

Do you think that maybe it’s a battle of head vs. heart? In your mind, perhaps you know it’s a mortal sin. But with your heart it just doesn’t really seem like it since so many wonderful things came about as a result. Does this sound about right?

Here is what I do not know: besides prayer, what is a Catholic to do in this situation? Objectively, the Church says there is sin. Subjectively, it just doesn’t really seem like it.

Regardless, I wish you peace in your situation.

 

[TigerLily12]

Thoughtfulone, I’m in a situation similar to yours. It happened, and I don’t feel exactly sorry for it - he’s a very close friend of mine, it was under very controlled conditions, etc. HOWEVER, I have realized this: It was just the wrong place and wrong time for something as special as that. My case is “worse” in that we weren’t even dating, and will probably never date thanks to half the country’s distance between us.

Anyways, not to hijack the thread: I may not be on my knees in deep sorrow, but I’m beginning to realize that as a Catholic, what I did was wrong and not in the order that God intended, marriage THEN sex. I do feel a little annoyed that I don’t “feel” sorry, but I’m starting to get determined to “get” sorry through admitting how it was wrong. (And for me, I’ll promise not to do it again. I just didn’t like the paranoia of possibly getting pregnant with a “close friend” far away as a 20-year-old college student, besides the fact that it really is wrong!)

I think that being so conflicted about it is really a subconscious symptom of knowing that what you did was wrong, and you’re fighting to not believe that. I didn’t want to digest it either, but as I was raised Catholic, I just knew I was rebelling and it wasn’t what God wanted for me.

I agree with what everyone else has said: Go talk to a priest, even if you may not “feel sorry” enough. I plan to do the same soon.

Here’s to you to find peace.

 

[Thoughtfulone]

Spoken by the character of Michael Corleone in Godfather III, confession scene in Rome with Cardinal, in the courtyard:

Response from Cardinal:

Result was Michael’s confession of his most horrendous scenes, in which he broke down and became contrite. He lost this sanctifying grace when he reverted to his former behavior nevertheless. In his case, a single confession was insufficient to address his long-standing behavior & habits. In such a case an effective conversion would have at the very least required a renunciation of an ongoing lifestyle, including his position as The Don.

The thing is, I’ve been to confession a lot since then. At this point I almost feel like it’s a sacrilege. I haven’t talked to the priest though about my lack of contrition because I just realized this was an issue, but honestly, I’m just disheartened by the whole thing and I have done everything I can think of to elicit contrition from myself.

 

[Thoughtfulone]

I am very very new here and not well versed in Catholic teaching. I’ve been reading a TON of information though, and I AM well versed in the Bible. So I wanted to share a thought I had about your issue.

If I am not mistaken, I think the problem here is your understanding of the objective nature of the sin, vs your subjective experience of it.

I think I can say quite confidently that if you absolutely KNEW that it was a mortal sin, you would feel these emotions you say you lack.

But you don’t KNOW that it was a mortal sin… well, hmmm, let me rephrase that: what I mean is that you know it with your head, but not with your heart.

Actually, let me pose it as a question since I cannot possibly know what is going on inside of you!

Do you think that maybe it’s a battle of head vs. heart? In your mind, perhaps you know it’s a mortal sin. But with your heart it just doesn’t really seem like it since so many wonderful things came about as a result. Does this sound about right?

Here is what I do not know: besides prayer, what is a Catholic to do in this situation? Objectively, the Church says there is sin. Subjectively, it just doesn’t really seem like it.

Regardless, I wish you peace in your situation.

This is pretty accurate. Objectively, I know fornication is a sin, but subjectively, I have a hard time believing I’m going to hell for having pre-marital sex with ONE person whom I love and who I ended up marrying and having children with. It would be one thing if I was going around having sex with tons of strangers, but I always knew I would marry my husband. Like I said, had we been intent on not getting serious emotionally and physically, we simply would have broken up and we would not be together today. How can I be sorry for this?

I am sorry that I offended God. I am sorry for any negative effects this decision may have had. But honestly, I don’t see it as being this ugly horrible thing. Maybe God does, because being perfect, ANY sin to him is probably like being covered in filth, but this is too abstract for me. I keep imagining myself burning in hell or imagining Jesus on the cross because of me…I’ve even tried to imagine Jesus as my own son and how I would feel about the person who caused him to be crucified, but these are all just abstract dramatic imaginings designed to elicit some emotion or feeling that I JUST don’t feel, when the concrete facts are that my life has turned out beautifully and that is because of the choices I made as a person, good or bad.

God, in His infinite mercy and goodness turns our bad choices into something beautiful and then I am supposed to somehow feel sorry and wish that I had never made them? How???

 

[jblake]

Thoughtfulone;:

I am sorry that I offended God.

What you described is how marriage is defined in the Tanakh.
It also is how the Catholic Church defined marriage for those who were not of noble birth, for more than a millennium.

jonathon

 

[cominghome1966]

… but subjectively, I have a hard time believing I’m going to hell for having pre-marital sex with ONE person whom I love and who I ended up marrying and having children with. … had we been intent on not getting serious emotionally and physically, we simply would have broken up and we would not be together today.

Hmmm, well my first thought is this: do you really know, with 100% certainty, that you would not have married this same man had you stopped having sex with him? You can say this with 100%, absolute, assurance?

I can’t help but wonder if the error in your thinking lies somewhere here. It’s possible you’ve made an erroneous connection. If we were to write your situation as an equation it might look like this:

Premarital sex = happy marriage and children

So you deduce that if we remove the premarital sex side, then the happy marriage and children side would cease to exist. But my opinion is that we do not know this with 100% certainty.

Your thoughts?

 

[Thoughtfulone]

Hmmm, well my first thought is this: do you really know, with 100% certainty, that you would not have married this same man had you stopped having sex with him? You can say this with 100%, absolute, assurance?

I can’t help but wonder if the error in your thinking lies somewhere here. It’s possible you’ve made an erroneous connection. If we were to write your situation as an equation it might look like this:

Premarital sex = happy marriage and children

So you deduce that if we remove the premarital sex side, then the happy marriage and children side would cease to exist. But my opinion is that we do not know this with 100% certainty.

Your thoughts?

I’m fairly certain. We got together when I was 17 (my junior year in high school). It would have been much too tempting to be together and remain chaste, so we would have had to stop seeing each other. At the end of my junior year, my mom moved out of the state. If I had moves with her, I would have never seen him again and that would have been that. Since we were so determined to be together, I found a place to stay and stayed behind, even living in my car for a few months to be with him. After our senior year, we both turned down our college of choice to go to college together. Then, after college, he moved with me back home to my mom across the country just to be with me.

So honestly, yes, I can say with almost 100% certainty that we would not be together if we had chosen not to get serious in our relationship because I would have moved away and we would have never seen each other again.

It was all very dramatic, but a good love story

 

[Thoughtfulone]

What you described is how marriage is defined in the Tanakh.
It also is how the Catholic Church defined marriage for those who were not of noble birth, for more than a millennium.

jonathon

Now THAT is very interesting.

 

[Elizabeth502]

Whoops. Sorry about post 22, I meant “sins” – not “scenes” !

The thing is, I’ve been to confession a lot since then. At this point I almost feel like it’s a sacrilege. I haven’t talked to the priest though about my lack of contrition because I just realized this was an issue, but honestly, I’m just disheartened by the whole thing and I have done everything I can think of to elicit contrition from myself.

I wish you were listening to EWTN radio today, if you have it in your area. I forget the priest’s name, but he’s on for 2 hours today with Barbara McGuigan. The first hour was fabulous, about St. Augustine. It was all about the fallacy of thinking that we can ‘pick ourselves up by our bootstraps’ when it comes to grace. We can’t. That’s why we bring these needs to prayer and to sacraments. Trust, T-1. That realization and that perfect contrition will be there, later if not sooner. And every effort, even if not realized immediately, will pay off toward that goal. Contrition is a grace; the level of contrition is also a grace.

I used to also assume that if I had done things differently, I wouldn’t be where I am (I mean even neutrally, not positive or negatively). But this is also a fallacy. I can’t say, you can’t say, whether you would still have ended up with your husband if you had gone a different route than intimacy before marriage. That’s an assumption on your part. We don’t know all possible outcomes of all our decisions.

 

[Daegus]

So I think I’m done with Confession for awhile. I can’t be sure if I have enough contrition for a specific mortal sin (pre-marital sex with my now husband) so I can’t even be sure if my past few confessions have been valid ones. I don’t really regret my past. I wish I had not offended God, and if I were confronted with the same situation now I would fight against the sin, but I cannot say that I wish it had never happened because that would be untrue. I just don’t have that “detestation for the sin committed” and I have prayed for it. It’s not like it’s a sin I can repeat either So, no Confession, no Eucharist…finding it hard to even want to go to mass at this rate

It’s frustrating not being able to control something like contrition, and I’m tired of being told it’s an act of will because that is simply not true…Detestation of sin, hatred of sin, regret for the sin, etc. are all emotions that I cannot control or force upon myself. I was always told that if you go to confession and don’t commit the sin anymore (not a problem here because I’m married now) that you were o.k., but apparently this is not the case. Oh well. Too bad too, because I’ve gone to confession more in the last year than I have in the previous 20 years

You are not alone in your sentiments. I too have struggled myself with contrition for my sin. In particular, pornography and masturbation have been a problem for me. It drives me insane at times because I want to be sorry but I am not feeling it, no matter how many times I try to force myself. I prayed about it, a lot, but with no avail. I also have had so much trouble giving up my past sins and especially avoiding the occasion to sin that it makes me really wonder as to whether I’m sorry or not.

I really do not want to have anything to do with my sin, like you, but I cannot find the strength to forgive myself and my difficulty giving up these sins makes me question my sorrow. I also have had problems getting into the habit of prayer, as I really don’t feel as though it’s working. I want to believe that the Lord has not given up on me, but I just don’t know.

I’m not sure if I can give you any good counsel… But I suppose I can just say good luck and you are not alone by any means.

 

[braidwood]

So I think I’m done with Confession for awhile. I can’t be sure if I have enough contrition for a specific mortal sin (pre-marital sex with my now husband) so I can’t even be sure if my past few confessions have been valid ones. I don’t really regret my past. I wish I had not offended God, and if I were confronted with the same situation now I would fight against the sin, but I cannot say that I wish it had never happened because that would be untrue. I just don’t have that “detestation for the sin committed” and I have prayed for it. It’s not like it’s a sin I can repeat either So, no Confession, no Eucharist…finding it hard to even want to go to mass at this rate

It’s frustrating not being able to control something like contrition, and I’m tired of being told it’s an act of will because that is simply not true…Detestation of sin, hatred of sin, regret for the sin, etc. are all emotions that I cannot control or force upon myself. I was always told that if you go to confession and don’t commit the sin anymore (not a problem here because I’m married now) that you were o.k., but apparently this is not the case. Oh well. Too bad too, because I’ve gone to confession more in the last year than I have in the previous 20 years

Thoughtfulone
You are not alone. Many of us would not have the courage to go public sharing our similar experiences.
I am not qualified to offer you binding advice. All I can suggest is that like me, you kneel down by your bedside this night and tell Jesus how it is with you and how you feel.
Tell Him that you love him and want the peace that only He can give.
Satan will try his best to make a complete mess of your mind and spirit.
But Jesus knows your heart and His Holy Spirit will direct you. Peace
Mike

 

[Thoughtfulone]

Whoops. Sorry about post 22, I meant “sins” – not “scenes” !

I wish you were listening to EWTN radio today, if you have it in your area. I forget the priest’s name, but he’s on for 2 hours today with Barbara McGuigan. The first hour was fabulous, about St. Augustine. It was all about the fallacy of thinking that we can ‘pick ourselves up by our bootstraps’ when it comes to grace. We can’t. That’s why we bring these needs to prayer and to sacraments. Trust, T-1. That realization and that perfect contrition will be there, later if not sooner. And every effort, even if not realized immediately, will pay off toward that goal. Contrition is a grace; the level of contrition is also a grace.

I used to also assume that if I had done things differently, I wouldn’t be where I am (I mean even neutrally, not positive or negatively). But this is also a fallacy. I can’t say, you can’t say, whether you would still have ended up with your husband if you had gone a different route than intimacy before marriage. That’s an assumption on your part. We don’t know all possible outcomes of all our decisions.

Thanks, Elizabeth. I just keep praying for the grace of contrition It’s getting a little frustrating though. I’m hoping that wanting contrition as badly as I do is maybe at least a sign of attrition…

 

[Thoughtfulone]

You are not alone in your sentiments. I too have struggled myself with contrition for my sin. In particular, pornography and masturbation have been a problem for me. It drives me insane at times because I want to be sorry but I am not feeling it, no matter how many times I try to force myself. I prayed about it, a lot, but with no avail. I also have had so much trouble giving up my past sins and especially avoiding the occasion to sin that it makes me really wonder as to whether I’m sorry or not.

I really do not want to have anything to do with my sin, like you, but I cannot find the strength to forgive myself and my difficulty giving up these sins makes me question my sorrow. I also have had problems getting into the habit of prayer, as I really don’t feel as though it’s working. I want to believe that the Lord has not given up on me, but I just don’t know.

I’m not sure if I can give you any good counsel… But I suppose I can just say good luck and you are not alone by any means.

Thanks for this. It’s tough when you want so much to be truly sorry but you just don’t feel it. It makes you question if you can really be forgiven or if you’re just kidding yourself

 

[Thoughtfulone]

Thoughtfulone
You are not alone. Many of us would not have the courage to go public sharing our similar experiences.
I am not qualified to offer you binding advice. All I can suggest is that like me, you kneel down by your bedside this night and tell Jesus how it is with you and how you feel.
Tell Him that you love him and want the peace that only He can give.
Satan will try his best to make a complete mess of your mind and spirit.
But Jesus knows your heart and His Holy Spirit will direct you. Peace
Mike

Thank you Hopefully He will see how hard I’m trying and give me some credit for that anyway

 

[rotlex]

You are not alone, however, reading these forums, at times, it can sure feel that way.

I have\had similar feelings, about very similar things in my life in regards to confession\contrition etc. My wife and I have been very happily married for nearly 22 years. We have two beautiful children, and everything we could want or imagine. And yes, we not only had pre-marital sex, but lived together as well.

In a nutshell, I came to grips with this over time. I confessed it, in my first general confession in over 10 years, quite a few years ago. While I know it was wrong, and I most likely would do things differently now, I honestly do not “regret” it. Things were different then. My wife and I were different then. We loved each other, in a very different way than we do now. We were young, as in our later teens\early 20’s, in love, foolish, and lived as we wanted. We have grown so much over the years. Closer, even more loving, and now have a fantastic family, that I believe God has truly blessed.

Do I worry about being truly sorry for my past sin? Yes, I do. I fear the Lord, yet I know he loves me. I know he is guiding me through life, and I know he won’t steer me wrong. I\we still make mistakes. We struggle with the use of contraception for one thing, and yes, I confess that at times as well.

With all that said, I still go to confession…often, more than in my entire life. I never repeat to my confessor the sins I confessed in that first general confession. I truly believe they were forgiven, that God understands, and, in time, He will lead me to an even greater understanding of my sins, past, present and future.

Again, don’t feel as though you are alone.

Take care, and God bless you.

 

[Patrick60]

I just went to confession this past Saturday, only four days ago, and the experience of it is still fresh in my mind. It is always a blessing. Certainly we all feel shame but there is grace imparted in the sacrament that can’t be gotten any other way. I am familiar with scrupulosity and have experienced it myself to varying degrees, but the whole point is the relationship you have with God and with the other members of the Body of Christ. Sometimes you have to keep the main thing the main thing.
Too often we let “feelings” be the barometer by which we measure our experience, but the simple truth is that we are sinners in need of forgiveness and how happy an occasion it is when we receive it! God gave us the sacraments for a reason. I know that the peace and the happiness I feel after having gone to confession comes from the relationship I have with God and with my brothers and sisters which, through grace, is pure and holy.
You can’t have true peace without holiness. You might as well try to quench thirst without drinking. It can’t be done. We are made to be holy, and when we are holy as He is holy there is no greater contentment. Thank God for the sacraments.