Don't understand

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noluck

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My wife and I were divorced Aug 2008 after 30 years of marriage. We had always been there for each other. An agrument one night (agruments were rare) I said the divorce word, she hired an attorney and 64 days later we were divorced. I couldn’t stop it. She continued to wear her wedding band, said she still loved me and said we may get back together. We continued to live together for three weeks. Communication and respect for each other was good. She moved out, took nothing from the house, just her cloths and has stopped all communication. I’ve tried to email,text,letters,holiday cards. No responce. I undestand she is still wearing her wedding bands. I worry about her and love her. I just don’t understand why see can’t say anything to me?
Frank
 
Hi noluck;

Sorry this happened to you both! You say ‘arguments were rare,’ but sometimes, that is worse than having arguments and learning to deal with confrontation and conflict. From her non-responsiveness, I’d say that she has difficulty dealing with confrontation, and thus, you had one disagreement, and she filed for divorce. I think with a great counselor, there is great hope for you both to reunite. If she is still wearing her wedding ring, it sounds like she still loves you, and ‘feels’ married, but just doesn’t know how to resolve conflict. Maybe she witnessed lots of conflict growing up, or maybe she just has a personality that just doesn’t do well with confrontation. Either way, there is a lot of hope here, just going by what you’re saying. (unless you’re leaving out some details lol) :o

I’d actually send her an email, asking her to get counseling with you–and see if you both can work on dealing with conflict in a healthy way, and see if she replies. In the meantime, you’re in my prayers.
 
I’d like to ask you too–why would you say the word, divorce, over a rare argument? :confused: Are you sure that you weren’t harboring some deeprooted resentment towards your wife? I think it’s unusual to threaten divorce after one argument…that you say is a rare happening. Just asking the question.
 
I’m so sorry, that’s gotta be incredibly hard.
My guess is there are other things going on for your wife that she needs to work out. There are couples out there who threaten eachother with divorce a lot and are still together (not that that’s a good thing). If someone overreacts that much to a single argument it probably means there are a lot of underlying feelings that she hasn’t told you about. I think the important thing is to remember this isn’t all about you and your wife needs to find her own way first and that’s not something you really have control over.
 
It sounds as if you hurt her deeply by throwing the ‘d’ word at her in anger.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through… I really do hope you can still sort things out. You can’t force your wife/former wife to communicate with you though if she doesn’t want to; I would recommend you tell her you’re going to respect her wishes of no contact, wish her well and then follow through on that. Not because you actually want to have no more communication but if you ‘go quiet’ she might start to think a bit more, and have a chance to miss your presence in her life. She’s likely to respect you more that way than if you keep chasing after her.

It must be so hard - I’ve never been in your situation but my heart goes out to you. I just think the best thing is to stay strong, live your life in the most positive way you can now, and respect her wishes so that when she’s ready she can get in touch and the two of you can go from there - hopefully with outside help so you can work out any issues (perhaps even unspoken issues) that led up to this crisis. I hope this helps (caveat is that I’m a single girl and in my early twenties but I am interested in family matters and do my best to give good advice!)
 
My wife is a strong professional business women. I think we were both frustrated with the life we were living for the past year. I suffered from ed and she thought my affection was pointed somewhere else. It wasn’t, but she believed otherwise. The word (divorce) came out of my mouth by frustration with the situation. We went to a marriage counselor for one evening and never went back. I did email her and asked to go back but no response.
 
noluck said:
My wife is a strong professional business women. I think we were both frustrated with the life we were living for the past year. I suffered from ed and she thought my affection was pointed somewhere else. It wasn’t, but she believed otherwise. The word (divorce) came out of my mouth by frustration with the situation. We went to a marriage counselor for one evening and never went back. I did email her and asked to go back but no response.
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Forgive me but I don’t know what ed is :o . Is it some kind of medical or psychological issue? I’m just guessing here but maybe you could benefit from some kind of treatment for this problem. Maybe your wife felt burdened by your problem? If you take some concrete steps to dealing with it, that would be very helpful in showing her that a reconciliation would be a good idea (when she is ready to get back in touch). The main thrust of my thinking on this whole issue is that firstly, the more you ‘push’ her into talking to you, getting back together etc, the more she may move away from you and secondly, the more you can demonstrate that you’re getting on with life in a positive way, the more you’re laying down foundations for that reconciliation.

Maybe send her an email, a letter or something saying that you do still love her deeply but you want to respect her wishes and so you won’t contact her anymore, that you’re going to go on with your life, but that if and when she’s ready to talk you would be happy to arrange meeting up. Just something that lets her know you’re ‘dealing with it’ in a mature fashion and puts the ball in her court. Then wait, and pray :gopray:
 
noluck said:
My wife is a strong professional business women. I think we were both frustrated with the life we were living for the past year. I suffered from ed and she thought my affection was pointed somewhere else. It wasn’t, but she believed otherwise. The word (divorce) came out of my mouth by frustration with the situation. We went to a marriage counselor for one evening and never went back. I did email her and asked to go back but no response.
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I’m not sure what your wife being a strong professional businesswoman has to do with why she left…as I am one, also. lol If she wasn’t a businesswoman, do you think you’d still be together? :confused: But, going with what you post here, I’m so sorry, it sounds like there were problems embedded in your marriage, and her mistrust of you, that led to her fleeing the marriage. I wonder why she jumped to the conclusion that you were being unfaithful? (and that you weren’t suffering from ed) Going a bit deeper now, it sounds like maybe she had trust issues? And those trust issues were never tested until late in the marriage? I think there is hope for this marriage, but it takes two, as you know, and she needs to want her marriage back…I will pray that somehow, someway, she will try again with you.
 
whatevergirl said:
Hi noluck;

Sorry this happened to you both! You say ‘arguments were rare,’ but sometimes, that is worse than having arguments and learning to deal with confrontation and conflict. From her non-responsiveness, I’d say that she has difficulty dealing with confrontation, and thus, you had one disagreement, and she filed for divorce. I think with a great counselor, there is great hope for you both to reunite. If she is still wearing her wedding ring, it sounds like she still loves you, and ‘feels’ married, but just doesn’t know how to resolve conflict. Maybe she witnessed lots of conflict growing up, or maybe she just has a personality that just doesn’t do well with confrontation. Either way, there is a lot of hope here, just going by what you’re saying. (unless you’re leaving out some details lol) :o

I’d actually send her an email, asking her to get counseling with you–and see if you both can work on dealing with conflict in a healthy way, and see if she replies. In the meantime, you’re in my prayers.
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At age 17 she was told she was adopted, she left home, lived with a man that beat her and had an abortion. She has had a problem with this her entire adult life and can’t forgive herself for the abortion. When we had our twin boys I took her God rewarded her with two. She saw a cyciatrist in the early 90’s (she never told me) and she has been seeing one since May of 08.
 
noluck said:
At age 17 she was told she was adopted, she left home, lived with a man that beat her and had an abortion. She has had a problem with this her entire adult life and can’t forgive herself for the abortion. When we had our twin boys I took her God rewarded her with two. She saw a cyciatrist in the early 90’s (she never told me) and she has been seeing one since May of 08.
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Ahhh, ok. This is the ultimate issue. 😦 I think that she hasn’t forgiven herself, and it’s very hard to really have a healthy relationship if we are holding onto guilt from our pasts. She doesn’t trust you for some reason…maybe she feels this is something she needs to ‘conquer’ on her own, not sure. I will keep praying for you both…I’m sorry. 😦

Oh, it’s psychiatrist, by the way–sorry, I’m a spelling geek. 😊
 
WHATEVERGIRL,

YOUR POSTS DELIGHT ME, EVERYTIME I LOG ON I JUST KNOW THAT YOU WILL HAVE POSTED SOMETHING COMPASSIONATE, WITTY, CHARMING, AND OFTEN TIMES, HUMOROUS…

GerlyOne;)
 
Sounds like she is going through some difficult times and she stopped communicating because she feels like “she needs space”, “she is unsure about what to do”. Such behavior is more typical of men, but I could see how being a strong professional she acts in this way.

One thought, anybody that is close to her, would be very helpful to you now - your children, members of extended family (if she has siblings, or if her parents are alive), her psychiatrist (if he agrees to talk to you), maybe she has some friend or colleague with whom she is on such terms that she shares her feelings. Basically, someone who is still in contact with her, could gently feel out the situation (seems like your wife is going through a crisis, maybe she is depressed), and maybe this person could put in a good word with your wife. Maybe your children could visit her, see how she is doing, and just tell her that you still very much love her and are worried about how is she doing now. Do you know who is her psychiatrist? Talking to the psychiatrist will be a tricky business, because he has a legal duty to protect the privacy of your wife (legally ex-wife), but maybe at least he will be willing to talk to you (perhaps meet you in person) and you could tell him that you are worried about your wife’s well-being and you will be available if and when she feels like getting in touch with you again.
 
GerlyOne said:
WHATEVERGIRL,

YOUR POSTS DELIGHT ME, EVERYTIME I LOG ON I JUST KNOW THAT YOU WILL HAVE POSTED SOMETHING COMPASSIONATE, WITTY, CHARMING, AND OFTEN TIMES, HUMOROUS…

GerlyOne;)
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aw, thank you. You’re too kind. :o I didn’t mean to come across anal, when it comes to spelling. 😊
 
Joseph_L_Varga said:
Sounds like she is going through some difficult times and she stopped communicating because she feels like “she needs space”, “she is unsure about what to do”. Such behavior is more typical of men, but I could see how being a strong professional she acts in this way.

One thought, anybody that is close to her, would be very helpful to you now - your children, members of extended family (if she has siblings, or if her parents are alive), her psychiatrist (if he agrees to talk to you), maybe she has some friend or colleague with whom she is on such terms that she shares her feelings. Basically, someone who is still in contact with her, could gently feel out the situation (seems like your wife is going through a crisis, maybe she is depressed), and maybe this person could put in a good word with your wife. Maybe your children could visit her, see how she is doing, and just tell her that you still very much love her and are worried about how is she doing now. Do you know who is her psychiatrist? Talking to the psychiatrist will be a tricky business, because he has a legal duty to protect the privacy of your wife (legally ex-wife), but maybe at least he will be willing to talk to you (perhaps meet you in person) and you could tell him that you are worried about your wife’s well-being and you will be available if and when she feels like getting in touch with you again.
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Joseph, I can’t use my sons. I don’t want then to feel that they are in the middle. I have sent a letter to her mom and dad. (no response). Most people I try to talk to about any of it, I get the same answer. Let me ask her, if it’s ok to talk to you and I’ll call you back. They don’t. She just doesn’t want any contact or our friends to get involved at all. After the divorce she said she still loved me and I her. I sent here a text yesterday to be careful driving on the ice to work. Not a thanks or get lost. Two weeks ago I made and sent her a cross I made out of metal. It was beautiful. No response.
 
noluck said:
Joseph, I can’t use my sons. I don’t want then to feel that they are in the middle. I have sent a letter to her mom and dad. (no response). Most people I try to talk to about any of it, I get the same answer. Let me ask her, if it’s ok to talk to you and I’ll call you back. They don’t. She just doesn’t want any contact or our friends to get involved at all. After the divorce she said she still loved me and I her. I sent here a text yesterday to be careful driving on the ice to work. Not a thanks or get lost. Two weeks ago I made and sent her a cross I made out of metal. It was beautiful. No response.
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Post traumatic stress can cause people to close off, when eventually coming to grips with a terrible event that happened in their past. It’s not unusual for her to be avoiding you, ignoring you…there is something that she is afraid of, and so she has decided to sort of deal with it on her own. I almost ended my own marriage over losing my parents, as a child. I didn’t mourn until I married…which sounds odd, but that’s what happened. Your wife is in that same boat, albeit a different trauma happened to her…and one that when perhaps she thinks about being close to a man (you), it triggers that fear. I’m not a counselor, but I have a feeling her non-responsiveness is fear-based. I will keep you both in my prayers…I’m sorry again for this loss in your life right now.😦
 
noluck said:
Joseph, I can’t use my sons. I don’t want then to feel that they are in the middle. I have sent a letter to her mom and dad. (no response). Most people I try to talk to about any of it, I get the same answer. Let me ask her, if it’s ok to talk to you and I’ll call you back. They don’t. She just doesn’t want any contact or our friends to get involved at all. After the divorce she said she still loved me and I her. I sent here a text yesterday to be careful driving on the ice to work. Not a thanks or get lost. Two weeks ago I made and sent her a cross I made out of metal. It was beautiful. No response.
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Hi noluck, I just have to say I do admire you for your strength in not ‘using’ your children and making the situation worse for them. Not all parents are so considerate (not speaking from personal experience, but I know it’s true)! I’m sure by behaving this way you’re protecting them from so much of the emotional angst and damage that people go through when parents divorce.

I also still think you’re making a mistake though by contacting your wife when she doesn’t want any contact - whether directly, or through others. It seems to me that you just need to sit tight and wait for her to come to you - let her know that you’re getting on with your life and will talk when she’s ready about any issues that need discussing.

I know that must be really hard but I honestly think it’s best in the long run. After all, she filed for divorce very suddenly, and went off and ignored you. I’m not saying that you should be angry, but she definitely isn’t treating you that nicely so if you carry on sending her little presents and caring messages, you could come across as a little bit of a ‘doormat’ if you’re not careful… If she just thinks she can pick you up and drop you as she sees fit, it wont do wonders for her respect for you.

Is there some interesting new project you could take up to keep yourself occupied and get enthusiastic about, while you’re dealing with this situation? It could help you, I think. It’s always good to put your best foot forward 🙂 . Just a thought.
 
I felt that an innocent text warning her of bad weather would at least, show that I care.The cross I wanted her to have for Lent. Yesterday at church I prayed (not for reunion) but for her safty and well-being. My heart is so empty thats its killing me. One thing you touched on was that she did tell me at one time she was afraid of me. I never ever raised a hand to her or yelled and screamed. I was always behind her 100% in anything she wanted to do and complete trust. Right before our divorce she called me “Bob”. Bob was her bad experience 32 years ago. ??? All of you are helping, Thanks, Frank
 
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