B
Blade_and_Blood
Guest
Just give her some time. At this point, it seems like Time is all you can give her, for now.
Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood
- Status
Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood
J
Joseph_L_Varga
Guest
Frank, I see, you really tried to reach her, directly and through other people, but she wants no contact. I assume she is having a psychological or mental health issue now, something to do with insecurity and fear of loss, and she overreacted to that argument you had last August. Also, her fear that your affection was pointed to someone else when in fact it wasn’t, seems to indicate this.
I would still ask this, regarding your children: do they live in the same city, do they visit their mother regularly? What’s their take on your wife’s sudden divorce from you? I do not mean this in a sense that you are against each other with your wife, and now your children are expected to take sides. Also not in a sense of your children mediating between the two of you, because your wife clearly doesn’t want other people to mediate between you. I mean it in the sense that the peace and psychological balance of your wife is in a fragile situation now and you are legitimately worried about her well-being. It’s a pity her parents won’t respond to your letter. It should be pretty obvious to them that you care about your wife and are genuinely worried about her, even if she has divorced you now.
I wonder, do women experience a situation similar to men’s mid-life crisis? Combined to the fact that the children are gone from the nest, and she has more time to reflect? It could be that some repressed feelings and conflicts from the past emerged now (her using the name of Bob)?
Probably you must push yourself now to go on with your life, and just commit the problem to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. They will take care of it.
I would still ask this, regarding your children: do they live in the same city, do they visit their mother regularly? What’s their take on your wife’s sudden divorce from you? I do not mean this in a sense that you are against each other with your wife, and now your children are expected to take sides. Also not in a sense of your children mediating between the two of you, because your wife clearly doesn’t want other people to mediate between you. I mean it in the sense that the peace and psychological balance of your wife is in a fragile situation now and you are legitimately worried about her well-being. It’s a pity her parents won’t respond to your letter. It should be pretty obvious to them that you care about your wife and are genuinely worried about her, even if she has divorced you now.
I wonder, do women experience a situation similar to men’s mid-life crisis? Combined to the fact that the children are gone from the nest, and she has more time to reflect? It could be that some repressed feelings and conflicts from the past emerged now (her using the name of Bob)?
Probably you must push yourself now to go on with your life, and just commit the problem to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. They will take care of it.
N
noluck
Guest
Joseph, I wish that I would have recognized that our relationship had some deep-rooted problems. I feel that I failed her as a husband. If we (and I’m not going to blame her) let the dust settle a little, I think we would still be married today.
On June 13th three weeks after our agument her attorney called. I told him I didn’t want a devorce. Anything I did from that date foward wasn’t going to stop the wheels of devorce.
You know, the letters, holiday cards, flowers and gift are probably looked apon as a form of irritation.
Its not very difficult to say thanks if you care at all, and thats the reality I have to deal with. Is silence a test, form of punishment, lack of compassion or all three and more?
Time, I feel will only increase the distance between us. Over the last thirty years we have shared so much! Now we share nothing at all. My life can not be shared with anyone else. I know you can’t force someone to love and care about you. A priest told me the message is loud and clear. I guess I just don’t want to admit it to myself.
I’m sure my life will be cut short from all of this. I still consider her my wife wearing my wedding band from time to time. I know its stupid to do. She wants me out of her life.
The three little words (I love you) are easy to say but can be the most difficult to show at times. All I have is to love her from a distance. A distance that will never be narrowed. I have always been very proud of her, I’ll continue to worry, pray for her happiness and well-being. Isn’t that what love is?
On June 13th three weeks after our agument her attorney called. I told him I didn’t want a devorce. Anything I did from that date foward wasn’t going to stop the wheels of devorce.
You know, the letters, holiday cards, flowers and gift are probably looked apon as a form of irritation.
Its not very difficult to say thanks if you care at all, and thats the reality I have to deal with. Is silence a test, form of punishment, lack of compassion or all three and more?
Time, I feel will only increase the distance between us. Over the last thirty years we have shared so much! Now we share nothing at all. My life can not be shared with anyone else. I know you can’t force someone to love and care about you. A priest told me the message is loud and clear. I guess I just don’t want to admit it to myself.
I’m sure my life will be cut short from all of this. I still consider her my wife wearing my wedding band from time to time. I know its stupid to do. She wants me out of her life.
The three little words (I love you) are easy to say but can be the most difficult to show at times. All I have is to love her from a distance. A distance that will never be narrowed. I have always been very proud of her, I’ll continue to worry, pray for her happiness and well-being. Isn’t that what love is?
W
whatevergirl
Guest
Hi noluck;
The problem you are having is that you think your wife’s issues are somehow your failings as a husband…they are not. She has problems to deal with that have nothing to do with you. You could have been the perfect husband, if your wife came to the marriage expecting marriage to heal her of her past, then she has/had an unrealistic expectation of marriage and a husband. It’s really as simple as that. I am not saying you were a saint, I don’t know you, but know that your wife’s reluctance to respond has nothing to do with you…not punishing you, not anything. The focus needs to be off of you, at this point, and just shift it to praying and being supportive of your wife, should she desire your help again. If she never replies, it’s not about you…really. I know it’s hard, but that is the truth. Unless you did something to specifically drive her away, which it doesn’t sound like you did …then, trust me…it’s not you. Stop blaming yourself.
B
blue_skies_1
Guest
Oh, I just have to say again I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’ll pray for the healing of your marriage. I think you’re a great husband and father.
I pray that over time your wife may work through her issues and soften towards you so you can work on rebuilding a relationship. Your prayers will help so much with that too - especially during the season of Lent.
Take good care of yourself!
N
noluck
Guest
Thank you for your kind words, this also goes to bluesky. When a family member has the flu its easy to tend to theirs needs because you know what the problem is. When you fail to see an illness or problem you can’t see with your eyes its difficult to help. I was part of the problem, that is where I have failed.Hi noluck;
The problem you are having is that you think your wife’s issues are somehow your failings as a husband…they are not. She has problems to deal with that have nothing to do with you. You could have been the perfect husband, if your wife came to the marriage expecting marriage to heal her of her past, then she has/had an unrealistic expectation of marriage and a husband. It’s really as simple as that. I am not saying you were a saint, I don’t know you, but know that your wife’s reluctance to respond has nothing to do with you…not punishing you, not anything. The focus needs to be off of you, at this point, and just shift it to praying and being supportive of your wife, should she desire your help again. If she never replies, it’s not about you…really. I know it’s hard, but that is the truth. Unless you did something to specifically drive her away, which it doesn’t sound like you did …then, trust me…it’s not you. Stop blaming yourself.
W
whatevergirl
Guest
How were you part of the problem, though? Did she try to share her problems with you, and you discarded her feelings? Then, and only then, would you have some fault in it all.
N
noluck
Guest
Thank you for your prayers. I’ve worked with metals all my life. Why one day I made the 13 inch cross for my wife I’ll never know. It really was beautiful. I just wanted her to have it. I didn’t expect anything in return. I’m glad I made it, I’m glad I sent it to her and I’m glad she has it before Lent.
W
wcknight
Guest
Sorry to hear about your problem. It’s a very tough situation to be in. It happened to me long ago before I got married with an old flame. Some folks are afraid of confrontation and just stop communicating. It’s best you stay away and don’t force the issue.
IF possible find someone who your wife confides in and maybe get the real story of why she left. Odds are it is some offense that she finally got fed up with and your suggesting divorce was the out she was looking for, or she may have had some issues of her own and felt a divorce could give her space to resolve them.
There’s no telling if she would ever want to reconcile. It a real heart breaking situation, but maybe with time she may change her mind. Knowing what the issues are would really help, but if she doesn’t want to listen to reason, it is almost impossible to patch things up.
What’s amazing is that you’ve lasted for 30 years before things got to this point. IF she really still loves you as she claims then there may be some hope. I pray that things work out for you.
IF possible find someone who your wife confides in and maybe get the real story of why she left. Odds are it is some offense that she finally got fed up with and your suggesting divorce was the out she was looking for, or she may have had some issues of her own and felt a divorce could give her space to resolve them.
There’s no telling if she would ever want to reconcile. It a real heart breaking situation, but maybe with time she may change her mind. Knowing what the issues are would really help, but if she doesn’t want to listen to reason, it is almost impossible to patch things up.
What’s amazing is that you’ve lasted for 30 years before things got to this point. IF she really still loves you as she claims then there may be some hope. I pray that things work out for you.
N
noluck
Guest
You may have touched on something here? She has said in the past, I’m surprised you didn’t leave when the boys were born, when I was transfered to another state, when the boys turned 18, 21. One son stayed till he was 24???
B
blue_skies_1
Guest
Why was she surprised you didn’t leave? The poor woman
. I totally agree with whatevergirl, it sounds as if she is carrying around so much guilt and baggage from the past, to the point where she can’t believe you really love her. I would guess that’s why she ‘freaked out’ so much after you mentioned divorce in your argument. I mean, I can understand why it would have been hurtful but most people wouldn’t have been driven to such drastic measures.I really hope she comes round. Maybe during Lent, God will speak to her heart.
Also with regards to the abortion, I don’t know a huge amount about this but people on here sometimes mention a Catholic program called ‘Rachel’s Vineyard’. I know you’re not in a position, currently, to really reach out to your wife but perhaps you could do an internet search and find out more about this Rachel’s Vineyard, as I believe it can be very helpful to women who are struggling to come to terms with this.
N
noluck
Guest
Thank You for the info.
B
Bejohn
Guest
Hi Frank,
Your name Noluck is true. There is no such thing as luck or we would live in a truly chaotic universe. The fact that there is no such thing as chance in the God ordered universe we live in should give us hope for it means that this moment…a long moment from Aug. 2008… is an opportunity given you by a loving God.
You first mentioned that in an arguement, in frustration, you spoke the “D” word and ‘poof’ it gave it life, energy and it came to be.
I suspect that you have been quietly suffering in this situation over the past 30 years wondering when your wife would stop thinking of you in the same terms as the man who beat her.
I suspect that you were over joyed at the bitrth of your twins not only because of the gift of life that they represented but also in the hope that they would be the binding that you felt was missing in your marriage.
I believe that your sons might also tell us that they lived a divided life. Their loyalties divided between you and your wife and thus their desire not to intervene now.
I suspect these things because I too am separated from my wife
and the things I say here were factors in my marriage. The encouraging thing that I hear and I feel that it is same with you as with me and tht is that you LOVE your wife. Your concern seems to be more about her than you. You are in a strong position to ‘correct’ this situation if you follow the advice of your priest and accept that the divorce is real. Do not try to get back to where you and your wife were for that is what led to the divorce. Instead move forward in prayer. If possible do spend time in Adoration asking God to fix the situation, be the problems in you or in your wife. Open your heart and mind to the advice of both God and friends as you have already done here. With prayer, time and the help of God through friends, good will come from this.
In my case my wife and I are still apart but family and all are growing closer together day by day. Time takes time so do not give up hope.
May God bless you and yours richly and may His Holy Spirit work miracles for you and yours. Amen.
Your name Noluck is true. There is no such thing as luck or we would live in a truly chaotic universe. The fact that there is no such thing as chance in the God ordered universe we live in should give us hope for it means that this moment…a long moment from Aug. 2008… is an opportunity given you by a loving God.
You first mentioned that in an arguement, in frustration, you spoke the “D” word and ‘poof’ it gave it life, energy and it came to be.
I suspect that you have been quietly suffering in this situation over the past 30 years wondering when your wife would stop thinking of you in the same terms as the man who beat her.
I suspect that you were over joyed at the bitrth of your twins not only because of the gift of life that they represented but also in the hope that they would be the binding that you felt was missing in your marriage.
I believe that your sons might also tell us that they lived a divided life. Their loyalties divided between you and your wife and thus their desire not to intervene now.
I suspect these things because I too am separated from my wife
and the things I say here were factors in my marriage. The encouraging thing that I hear and I feel that it is same with you as with me and tht is that you LOVE your wife. Your concern seems to be more about her than you. You are in a strong position to ‘correct’ this situation if you follow the advice of your priest and accept that the divorce is real. Do not try to get back to where you and your wife were for that is what led to the divorce. Instead move forward in prayer. If possible do spend time in Adoration asking God to fix the situation, be the problems in you or in your wife. Open your heart and mind to the advice of both God and friends as you have already done here. With prayer, time and the help of God through friends, good will come from this.
In my case my wife and I are still apart but family and all are growing closer together day by day. Time takes time so do not give up hope.
May God bless you and yours richly and may His Holy Spirit work miracles for you and yours. Amen.
N
noluck
Guest
Bejohn,
I am so touched by your remarks I will read them often.
I will pray for you and yours.
Frank
I am so touched by your remarks I will read them often.
I will pray for you and yours.
Frank
B
Bejohn
Guest
Frank,
thank you so much. I forgot to say in my first post that this is not your “Fault or your Punishment”. It is a part of God’s love for you and your family. It is better to break someone or something like a family and make them/it renewed than to let them/it slip into the fires of Hell.
Thank you for your prayers. Our Forty-second wedding anniversary is this Wednesday Feb. 25th, Ash Wednesday, the same date as our one daughter’s 40th birthday. As Jesus raised Lazarus and others from the dead, from apparent death so also can He bring new life to our marriage and yours, that also now appears dead.
Let us not worry but celebrate all life found in God who is not only the Light but also the Life of the Universe. All things are possible for those who live in Him, through Him and with Him and allow Him to work in them, with them and through them.
thank you so much. I forgot to say in my first post that this is not your “Fault or your Punishment”. It is a part of God’s love for you and your family. It is better to break someone or something like a family and make them/it renewed than to let them/it slip into the fires of Hell.
Thank you for your prayers. Our Forty-second wedding anniversary is this Wednesday Feb. 25th, Ash Wednesday, the same date as our one daughter’s 40th birthday. As Jesus raised Lazarus and others from the dead, from apparent death so also can He bring new life to our marriage and yours, that also now appears dead.
Let us not worry but celebrate all life found in God who is not only the Light but also the Life of the Universe. All things are possible for those who live in Him, through Him and with Him and allow Him to work in them, with them and through them.
J
Joseph_L_Varga
Guest
Yes, it seems like your wife is deeply hurt. But it’s not you who hurt her, it’s that she is still struggling with the bad experience from her past when she was mistreated. She feels insecure and cannot trust anybody.Why was she surprised you didn’t leave? The poor woman
I really hope she comes round. Maybe during Lent, God will speak to her heart.
Do you know who her psychiatrist is? Maybe write a short letter to this doctor, tell that you respect your wife’s wish to divorce you and you are not willing to “stalk her” or get into contact with her as long as she doesn’t wish to. However, you are really worried about her emotional balance and well-being, and you would be happy to make yourself available should your ex-wife or the psychiatrist himself want to contact you. And give him your contact info (telephone, address). And then, maybe, after the doctor had a chance to receive and read your letter, give a call to his office to follow up? At least the doctor would know that there’s a worried ex-husband out there who really loves and cares about the ex-wife and would be available, in the event that your wife would come around to missing you and being ready to talk to you?
N
noluck
Guest
Hi Joseph,
Before we were divorced my wife told me that her life was not in her hands. Her Psychiatrist, spiritual advisor and attorney had control.
Correct me if I’m wrong,
A psychiatrist isn’t going to tell you to get a divorce.
A spiritual advisor is going to try and keep you together and as far as I know an attorney (unless he is money hungry) isn’t going to tell you to get divorced.
Before we were divorced my wife told me that her life was not in her hands. Her Psychiatrist, spiritual advisor and attorney had control.
Correct me if I’m wrong,
A psychiatrist isn’t going to tell you to get a divorce.
A spiritual advisor is going to try and keep you together and as far as I know an attorney (unless he is money hungry) isn’t going to tell you to get divorced.
C
chevalier
Guest
Any advisor is as good as the data he gets. A psychiatrist may tell you to get divorced. In some circumstances, a spiritual advisor might - although it would take dire circumstances for an orthodox Catholic advisor. An attorney is probably neutral unless he’s after billable hours.
J
Joseph_L_Varga
Guest
This is as frustrating as it gets. Your wife’s statement is baffling. Even if your wife has somehow presented a distorted reality to these people, they should have been able to understand the real situation and correct her. In the case of a spiritual advisor, that’s his main job. Also, a psychiatrist should have been able to quickly figure out how your wife’s insecurity is caused by her past hurts at someone else’s hands, rather than something that you, her husband, did to her.
Could it be that your wife told them outright untruths? I suppose that’s not the case. I mean, if your wife would go and tell them that you are beating her and are an alcoholic, then sure, it would be understandable that they are telling her to divorce you. But that would take deliberate misinformation from the part of your wife. Another possibility is that some of these professionals was deliberately trying to hurt you by his advice. For example, if your wife would belong to some very militant anti-Catholic denomination, I could imagine a spiritual advisor pushing her to divorce you, simply on the grounds that you are Catholic and she is not.
B
Bejohn
Guest
Hi Frank,
I am going to repeat some of my old information and add just a little that is new.
**Number one item **is that this situation did not develop overnight. It could very well be not one large item but the accummulation of many little straws that has now, appearingly but not necessarily so, broken the proverbial camel’s back. So it will not likely be corrected overnight
Number two there is hope that your marriage will be saved if you place your problem in His hands and trust in Him and permit Him to work in you, through you and with you.
How do I know that this is true and how can I state it with such certainty?
Frank, there is a Doctrine of the Church called the Doctrine of Predestinationalism that in a formal concise way lays out the foundation of our Faith.
I will try to state in layman’s terms what this doctrine teaches us in my next post as this one is too long.
I am going to repeat some of my old information and add just a little that is new.
**Number one item **is that this situation did not develop overnight. It could very well be not one large item but the accummulation of many little straws that has now, appearingly but not necessarily so, broken the proverbial camel’s back. So it will not likely be corrected overnight
Number two there is hope that your marriage will be saved if you place your problem in His hands and trust in Him and permit Him to work in you, through you and with you.
How do I know that this is true and how can I state it with such certainty?
Frank, there is a Doctrine of the Church called the Doctrine of Predestinationalism that in a formal concise way lays out the foundation of our Faith.
I will try to state in layman’s terms what this doctrine teaches us in my next post as this one is too long.
- Status