Down and Alone

[FindTruth7]

I need so much help. There’s so much unhealthy emotion in me, I swear I always feel as if I’m suppose to be a martyr. it’s weird, but I’ve carried that feeling for so long, and I don’t know from what. There’s alot of anger in me, alot of depression and sorrow, and all because of my God. Because I want Him, and wish and hope for and am so eager for the coming Kingdom when all pain is washed away and we all have learned all we can. I believe we’re put on earth to live and learn. But it’s hard, so hard for me many times, practically all the time.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Quoting FindTruth7

Hi Barb!! hugs Speaking of the Amish, I’m eating an apple strusel cake I bought back in Lancaster. Oh my goodnes, it’s SOO good!! Super moist and appley Those beautiful Amish ladies sure can bake!

Hugs backhttp://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_67.gif…Apologies, I have had to delete some smilies as my post had too many…and of course, and self centredly, I deleted yours …we have a saying here in Australia “Hugs help!” and they sure do! Actually apple strudel (not too sure at all how it is spelt!) is my favourite too, although I buy it from a Vietnamese bakery near me.

A good feast is what makes me happy. I don’t really care about material things, I just like everyone to be happily fed. I remember telling my mother that one year she didn’t have much for Christmas presents. So instead, we focused on a wonderful dinner that always brings everyone together.

You got my vote, FT7…all the way! One year my son bought me a very expensive cappucino (another word I am unsure of spelling) making machine as I love my cofee’s. I asked him to please not spend so much money on gifts. My birthday is just after Christmas and he rocks up without a gift, nor card and simply said “I haven’t got anything for you, I hear I spend too much money on gifts” I didn’t know whether to burst out laughing or to cry. But I learnt my lesson and to be grateful for a gift no matter content .
I love to get people together for a home cooked dinner or perhaps a BBQ…and any excuse will do! Our heritage is rooted in Israel, Judaism and the Old Testament …and these were outstanding in hospitality which of course is a feature of celebrations.

The Amish love feasts too, it’s one of their specialties, they even have scripture quotes where biblical people had big feasts and take after them lol

Sound like my kind of people! This is why I think that Amish people and communities have so much that is important to share with us. My opinion.

I’m still missing it down there, but I have to accept I’ll never live there. Melissa doesn’t want to, she’s my wife. That’s ok, I got to be around here anyway to help out my parents, they’re getting up there in age and I constantly worry about them.

I feel for you! I would love to live in a remote monastic contemplative community - a very poor one. But not to be - age and health nowadays are against me. I was looking at a Carmelite website the other day and there was a picture of the nuns at prayer…and the surroundings were so bare with bare floorboards - a real aura of poverty.
I truly admire you in putting both Melissa and your parents over and above your own needs and desires. This sorta thing, FT7, makes saints of people!!!
it is very hard indeed when life just does not go as one hopes or hoped. I often retreat into the knowledge that this life is not the end of things and that Heaven awaits. Not that my imagination nor mind will stretch to telling me wonderful things about Heaven.
I just hope in a dark sort of unknowing way in what Faith tells me…that good things wondrous do await me and all.

My silly dream was to get a simple modest house in Lancaster county, and live a quiet life. Having a garden, there’s a nice Catholic Church down there that I went to while there, I could communicate with the Amish folk, go to the yummy restyraunts, and over all it’s just a nice wondrous religious feel all around. People even pray at a resturaunt we atried (was very good) and no one thinks of you as strange. That’s why I love it down there, and truthfully, would rather give up my electric to live in a community like the Amish.

They sure sound to me like wonderful people and very much as I imagine early Christians actually did live, sharing a life in common of great simplicity.

Winter is coming and that frightens me. My MI is much worse during that season. I like the sunshine and warmth, well fall is my favorite season, but once that’s over it’s long dark and cold.

Yeah, I know the feeling. Winter is just coming to a close here…two weeks and then Spring. But early Spring here can be very cold with rain still. But so lovely to watch new life everywhere begin to show. I love the way Americans call autumn “The Fall” it just strikes me as a beautiful and very apt expression. I am more likely to have an episode of Bipolar in the winter than in the warmer months…Bipolar is a weird illness and most often does react to weather and seasonal changes…but differently often in different sufferers.

OCD is so hard, one problem converts to another, sometimes every 10 minutes of an entire day. Especially if I’m alone.

I only have slight OCD I have been told…but I know that compulsive obsessive feeling that wont go away unless one indulges the urge. Is this something like what you mean?

It makes praying and concentration more difficult too. I have also been extremely humbled by this disorder.

MI sure humbled me too!..and I needed it for sure! But if your OCD presses on you 10 minutes daily especially when alone…then your cross is totally far more than mine for sure.
Don’t be hard on yourself re prayer etc. If no one else can understand what you endure, then be assured that The Lord can. He is not a hard taskmaster, rather a loving friend, confidant, pal and Father. Probably the very best prayer we can offer is to endure whatever The Lord has allowed in our lives by way of suffering and to endure as best we can…this too is prayer and is at the heart of prayer - i.e. conformity God’s Will and as an act of Praise and Thanksgiving to Him - when humanly we have no human reason to be praising and grateful. I haven’t fully pondered and researched the matter and thought it through yet…but yesterday (I think it wasyesterday - bad memory!) was a really bad day for me and it struck me that Jesus did not (to our knowledge) pray every single day - rather it seems He went on mini retreats every so often. I am not saying that He did not pray daily as indeed His entire life was one long prayer and song of praise and thanksgiving in loving conformity with His Father’s Will. He lived every moment in the Beatific Vision I have read…though what that actually means remains a mystery. Doubtless I think He was constantly aware of His Father. Yet on His cross He cries: “My God, My God, why have You abandoned me”…He too knew dreadful suffering and loneliness and abandonment…most of His apostles and friends shot through more or less with His arrest. No wonder, it was not unusal for Romans to round up family and friends of the crucified and crucify them too. One really cannot blame them for shooting through, I dont think. It is said to be a great honor and priveledge in life to share in The Cross of The Lord…but oh my goodness how painful it can be.

I don’t know if God gave me it, or if it just happened by chance and God allows it to keep me humble. But at times I want to scream at Him. Though I know I can’t, cause He’s the Boss and my Master

Mmmmm…well I am not going to encourage one with such a saintly attitude to be unsaintly and human. But there have been times when I have expressed my anger to The Lord. My reasoning is that He knows anyway precisely where my heart and emotions etc. are, so I may as well be honest with Him.

Ok, need to go get more apple strusel lol

…it is really cold here and raining on and off…but I wish now I could have the courage to face my hatred of the cold to walk up to the shops and buy some apple strusel for myself!!!

Be gentle with yourself…Jesus is! Peace always to you and yours and may The Lord ever bless and sustain you and grant you many consolations to pave your way. Amen. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers…Barb

 

[BarbaraTherese]

I need so much help. There’s so much unhealthy emotion in me, I swear I always feel as if I’m suppose to be a martyr. it’s weird, but I’ve carried that feeling for so long, and I don’t know from what. There’s alot of anger in me, alot of depression and sorrow, and all because of my God. Because I want Him, and wish and hope for and am so eager for the coming Kingdom when all pain is washed away and we all have learned all we can. I believe we’re put on earth to live and learn. But it’s hard, so hard for me many times, practically all the time.

Oh goodness how my heart goes out to you! …in fact I am holding back tears. Just before beginning this post, I left the computer to get something from another room and as I moved to that other room I asked The Lord why so many had to suffer so much, and so dreadfully! This is at the point where human logic and understanding, reason must be silent …for truth is it can go no further than that question from the heart. That question I have no answer for even as the question presses on me…WHY? Many do try to explain it, but my own gut level feeling is that it is ok for them to have explanations, they don’t know the dread of waking up with simply another day to face…if they did, then all the answers in all the world would not be an explanation. Why was my whole life coming apart and my children (7yrs and 9yrs when it all began) especially suffering so dreadfully because their Mum was always very ill in a psychiatric hospital. Why were their Mum and Dad separating and divorcing? Be that as it may I know that through my own years of dreading another day I refused with stubborn willfulness to allow myself to doubt that The Lord, Jesus, did love me with absolute abandon and that there were good reasons that I would understand in Heaven…and so I pushed on. But explanations by holy people as to why I was suffering what I was suffering were not explanations at all to me then!!! No, there is a point where human logic and understanding must learn a deep and humble complete silence and allow that silence to cut very deep indeed, very deep.
I remember once when I was in hospital the nun chaplain coming to visit me. I asked her to leave “because I did not want to listen to more ****” were my precise and angry words. I dont hold myself at all guilty for that…if no one understands then certainly The Lord does and can and with understanding, insight and compassion… a Loving Heart that Loves Overwhelmingly and Totally…even me.
So many people come to mind who suffer/suffered dreadfully in life…and always those people in German concentration campus during WW2 too…what horrors they had to deal with, face and go on, and re their own children too.

Do talk with The Lord about your depression and sorrow and your anger. He knows it is there anyway! Sometimes what I do is I sit down at my computer and I write a heartfelt and honest letter to The Lord into my computer diary.

 

[FindTruth7]

Oh goodness how my heart goes out to you! …in fact I am holding back tears. Just before beginning this post, I left the computer to get something from another room and as I moved to that other room I asked The Lord why so many had to suffer so much, and so dreadfully! This is at the point where human logic and understanding, reason must be silent …for truth is it can go no further than that question from the heart. That question I have no answer for even as the question presses on me…WHY? Many do try to explain it, but my own gut level feeling is that it is ok for them to have explanations, they don’t know the dread of waking up with simply another day to face…if they did, then all the answers in all the world would not be an explanation. Why was my whole life coming apart and my children (7yrs and 9yrs when it all began) especially suffering so dreadfully because their Mum was always very ill in a psychiatric hospital. Why were their Mum and Dad separating and divorcing? Be that as it may I know that through my own years of dreading another day I refused with stubborn willfulness to allow myself to doubt that The Lord, Jesus, did love me with absolute abandon and that there were good reasons that I would understand in Heaven…and so I pushed on. But explanations by holy people as to why I was suffering what I was suffering were not explanations at all to me then!!! No, there is a point where human logic and understanding must learn a deep and humble complete silence and allow that silence to cut very deep indeed, very deep.
I remember once when I was in hospital the nun chaplain coming to visit me. I asked her to leave “because I did not want to listen to more ****” were my precise and angry words. I dont hold myself at all guilty for that…if no one understands then certainly The Lord does and can and with understanding, insight and compassion… a Loving Heart that Loves Overwhelmingly and Totally…even me.
So many people come to mind who suffer/suffered dreadfully in life…and always those people in German concentration campus during WW2 too…what horrors they had to deal with, face and go on, and re their own children too.

Do talk with The Lord about your depression and sorrow and your anger. He knows it is there anyway! Sometimes what I do is I sit down at my computer and I write a heartfelt and honest letter to The Lord into my computer diary.

Hi Barb, it means so much to me the words you speak, and how you truly put your heart inwhat you are saying. HUGS HUGS HUGS

I know what you mean when theologians try to explain why we suffer, but many who write such things know little of MI and other severe sufferings.

I’m going to send you some privately, something I wrote a few years ago, well one a few yeas ago and the other last fall. I hope you enjoy them.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Hi Barb, it means so much to me the words you speak, and how you truly put your heart inwhat you are saying. HUGS HUGS HUGS

I know what you mean when theologians try to explain why we suffer, but many who write such things know little of MI and other severe sufferings.

I’m going to send you some privately, something I wrote a few years ago, well one a few yeas ago and the other last fall. I hope you enjoy them.

Hi again! …as stated in the Amish thread, I have now read your poems a couple of times. They are intensely personal and come flowing out from the heart and are very moving indeed…and thank you very much for sharing them with me, entrusting them to me. They did remind me of the Psalms and of course the Psalms were written at times in times of joy and at other times in distress and defeat. The psalms like your poetry cover many human experiences indeed.

Re suffering. I have learnt in my own life re the sufferings of others to say “I dont know what to say, because there are no words” and to say that with a touch of the hand or a hug. Words will do nothing at all - one has to learn to reach out from the silence and pain of empathy in oneself in other ways. Somewhere in these forums I wrote of a woman I knew who went through appalling suffering and from my own life then of security, I spoke to her of God and trusting him. She said to me “Please, please, Barb…dont speak to me about God”. I grew up a lot that day indeed.
Someone else shared in these forums of what Mother Teresa of Calcutta experienced…a man was dying slowly in pain and Mother Teresa told him that Jesus from His Cross was kissing him. The man replied “Can you please ask Him not to kiss me”.
I bet Mother Teresa grew up a lot that day too.

I read somewhere too some time ago of a young man who had lost his legs and had been in a wheelchair for 11 years. Some ‘holy but misguided’ person spoke to him of Jesus and the cross he endured. The young man simply said “How long was Jesus on His cross again? I’ve been in this chair eleven years”. I hope that holy misguided person grew up a lot that day.

I hope that nun chaplain grew up a lot the day in a psyche.hospital I asked her to leave because I didn’t want to hear any more **************( holy happy people who had probably never suffered major in their lives perhaps talking stupidities to me. If they had suffered in a major way in life, they still had lessons to learn from it) The interesting thing for me about all this is that I later apologized to her. She thanked me!!!

Thank you again for sharing your psalms with me - Spirit of David!

Blessings and with my regards…Barb

 

[FindTruth7]

Your welcome Barb. I have written lots of songs and poems in the past, I forgot some, lost others, lol. But only those two were about my feelings with God.

After all this time on this thread, I still miss Shadow dearly! I still hold alot of anger, confusion, and frustration. Honestly, I have NEVER lost one who is close to me, and I know with each passing day it’s coming. My dog (sounds silly but I love Fawn sooooo much for so many special reasons), my father and mother and many others. I am going to be a mess the day when one who is close to me passes away, and with my OCD, I KNOW it is going to be worse than I can imagine. I hope I don’t turn away from God.

Anothe rpoint, I don’t think I have any pictures of Shadow, and that’s making me feel guily. I love dher though, I did! She had a good life, with company and lots of yummy food every day for her almost 2 years of life. I feel like crying right now thinking about this. Makes me want to know beyond a doubt what the ultimate Truth is, please Lord!!!

I bought little Minevara the other day, she is a blue rat, I had to get another, Tara became lonely and depressed, Rats are very social and she wasn’t eating. I did not, I COULD not let her die alone. I was crushing my heart. People at work said I was a dumb *ss and it’s “just a stupid rat.” They have no idea what they’re talking about, nor probably care too. But I and I believe God understands.

sighs

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Your welcome Barb. I have written lots of songs and poems in the past, I forgot some, lost others, lol. But only those two were about my feelings with God.

After all this time on this thread, I still miss Shadow dearly! I still hold alot of anger, confusion, and frustration. Honestly, I have NEVER lost one who is close to me, and I know with each passing day it’s coming. My dog (sounds silly but I love Fawn sooooo much for so many special reasons), my father and mother and many others. I am going to be a mess the day when one who is close to me passes away, and with my OCD, I KNOW it is going to be worse than I can imagine. I hope I don’t turn away from God.

Anothe rpoint, I don’t think I have any pictures of Shadow, and that’s making me feel guily. I love dher though, I did! She had a good life, with company and lots of yummy food every day for her almost 2 years of life. I feel like crying right now thinking about this. Makes me want to know beyond a doubt what the ultimate Truth is, please Lord!!!

I bought little Minevara the other day, she is a blue rat, I had to get another, Tara became lonely and depressed, Rats are very social and she wasn’t eating. I did not, I COULD not let her die alone. I was crushing my heart. People at work said I was a dumb *ss and it’s “just a stupid rat.” They have no idea what they’re talking about, nor probably care too. But I and I believe God understands.

sighs

Understand FT7…I really do. I had an appalling experience a few years ago where my two beloved dogs, my cat and budgie all died…my dogs (Amos and Sadie) were put down actually because of the situation and my cat (Starsky) and budgie (Garfield) just died during the situation, no real reason present.

I was dreadfully angry, furious indeed, because the situation was neither of my making nor in anyway my fault. It was all brought about by others. I refused to just let go of that anger and fury and I worked my way through it - today truth is, there is still anger and hurt, though I have no need at all to express it - and I forgive and did from the start, which did not excuse me from my humanity and love of my pets who had been with me for years. Nor did my forgiveness of those involved mean that I was no longer human and feeling angry and hurt.

Nowadays Missie (cat) is about three years old and Buddie (puppy) about 18months old. But I still have times of missing Amos, Sadie, Starsky and Garfield and feeling anger over what happened to them. No one can state this is right or wrong…it is simply what I feel.

I lost my beloved brother in 1982 under dreadful circumstances when he was only 29yrs. old. My anger and fury was unspeakable at the time. That filled my life for a while, and then there was just the aching loss and loneliness of it all…the vacuum in my life. Again, at times I return to those places as memory reminds me of Bob.

I hope I don’t turn away from God.

Desire is very important…it is sort of pointing towards the road ahead though it is an unknown road. But it may be a really difficult one - it may even present a crossroads in your life. A decision to be made. Keeping you in prayer.

Barb

 

[FindTruth7]

Oh dear Lord ALL your animals died? I’m so sorry, really, hugs I’m really am sorry. I want to ask how, but don’t want to bring back the memories.

Well, as a friend, I’m glad you have been talking to me. Usually I never make any friends on here, I did one, but she’s gone. So thanks for responding as much as you do.

And though I pray seldom, you will always be in there