Dreading marriage because of sexual intercourse

[Amphigoree]

Uh huh. So yesterday you had an inordinate desire, today you find it gross. Tomorrow, if you were to marry, you might well rediscover why you inordinately desired it in the first place

Not that my advice would change even so - your present attitude does not speak to me of someone called to marriage.

Not exactly yesterday, that was five months ago when I decided to live a better life by not being overcome by sin.

Yeah, maybe I’m really not for marriage. Thank you very much for your help.
God bless.

 

[Amphigoree]

If you are not drawn to marriage (which would include sexual intimacy) then you should not marry. If you are interested in exploring the religious life, speak to your pastor, or ask him who you should be talking with. It is also okay for you to remain single without joining the religious life.

Yes, I’m also open to the option of single blessedness but I think I’m more inclined to the religious life though. Thanks for the reply.

God bless.

 

[jmcrae]

I’m female and I’m 18 years old.

You are still very young. You will find that things settle out once you reach your 20s.

I don’t think I can discuss this problem with anyone outside the internet.

The Internet is the whole world, and our messages remain here permanently - your family and friends, employers, and future in-laws or religious superiors can read them at any time.

A counsellor would make sure that your conversations were kept private, as well as being someone who has answers that work in real life.

 

[Amphigoree]

You are still very young. You will find that things settle out once you reach your 20s.

I have been advised to decide what I really want after I graduate from college.

The Internet is the whole world, and our messages remain here permanently - your family and friends, employers, and future in-laws or religious superiors can read them at any time.

A counsellor would make sure that your conversations were kept private, as well as being someone who has answers that work in real life.

Yes, that’s true but they don’t know it’s me.
And I think cousellors are rare where I live.

 

[jmcrae]

I have been advised to decide what I really want after I graduate from college.

That’s a smart idea.

Yes, that’s true but they don’t know it’s me.

As long as you remember to change your user name for the things where they do know it’s you - and as long as no one looks you up by IP address.

And I think cousellors are rare where I live.

If there is a school, then there are counsellors.

 

[Amphigoree]

As long as you remember to change your user name for the things where they do know it’s you - and as long as no one looks you up by IP address.

Yes, it’s my mistake that I reused my username but luckily my family would never be in this type of forum. I wonder, can I deactivate my account here?

If there is a school, then there are counsellors.

Really? Well, I have never been called to the guidance office my whole life.
But I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.

 

[CompSciGuy]

18 years old is a very young age to be thinking about marriage. It sounds like your friend is trying to manipulate you… I would be careful there, don’t let him do that to you. It seems like you both have some maturing to do (not meant to be insulting). As for your feelings about sex I doubt that you have gone from having sexual desires to having none… is it possible that because of your past ‘lust issues’ you now only think of sex in its disordered context? Perhaps you are misinterpreting your sexuality as a result of your decision to abstain from sex and pursue a more holy life. Or perhaps you really have developed an unhealthy aversion toward sex. My best recommendation for you would be to find a spiritual advisor. And follow the other posters’ advice: continue to discern your vocation.

 

[Amphigoree]

18 years old is a very young age to be thinking about marriage. It sounds like your friend is trying to manipulate you… I would be careful there, don’t let him do that to you. It seems like you both have some maturing to do (not meant to be insulting).

He’s safe, I can assure you.

As for your feelings about sex I doubt that you have gone from having sexual desires to having none… is it possible that because of your past ‘lust issues’ you now only think of sex in its disordered context? Perhaps you are misinterpreting your sexuality as a result of your decision to abstain from sex and pursue a more holy life. Or perhaps you really have developed an unhealthy aversion toward sex. My best recommendation for you would be to find a spiritual advisor. And follow the other posters’ advice: continue to discern your vocation.

That’s what I was thinking, that perhaps because of my past issues that I am having this problem.

This might be an odd question but, how do I find a spiritual advisor?
Do I just go to confession and then talk to a priest about it?
I’m sorry I’m not really the active church member except going to mass.

 

[Auntie_A]

I agree for you to find a good Catholic spiritual director. I would also like to add this thought:

Our society is so highly sexualized that people are making decisions about their sexuality in their early teens. This is not the reality for most humans. Everyone has their own rate of growth. Sexual maturity (a term which, unfortunately makes people think they are mature simply by running around being sexual) is earlier for young men than young women. Individuals of both sexes can be delayed or slower in developing positive sexual feelings, but women tend to sexually mature later in life.

Take your time and do not go towards marriage if you are not interested and your partner is pushing you. The world pulls on us in ways that make our lives feel forced. Stand back and breathe.

 

[PaulinVA]

He is also considering priesthood. He even has an application form but he said I’m his first choice.

You are both very young and working through your issues. Neither of you seems ready to make a decision about what you are called to.

If there is no decision to be made, don’t obsess over this and just move on.

 

[Lorelei12]

Your “friend” is wrong. It is not selfish to want to enter the religious life, or to be uninterested in marrying him. He is trying to manipulate you, and would not make a good husband. Maybe you need to detach yourself from him for the time being- since he wants to marry you and you are not interested.

And it seems as though, as some other posters have brought up, that you might have gone a bit too far in the other direction in trying to control your lust. Lust isn’t typically something you just “get over”, it’s a process of learning to manage your desires and order them correctly. Ask yourself why exactly you think sex is “gross”?

 

[Miss_Felicity]

First things first don’t let this ‘friend’ pressure you into marriage or anything else. Even if you are called to married life it may not be to him and that is okay. His insistence that if he doesn’t marry you he won’t marry is an attempt at manipulation, and guilt. Lets take him out of the equation shall we.

Now onto your problem. A few things are happening here 1) You may be called to religious life. I gather that more from your response that you are discerning that and not because of how you feel about sex. You are young and more than entitled to be confused, and a bit apprehensive about the future. I am quite a few years older than you (closer to 30 than 20) and I have confusion and apprehension about certain aspects of the future that’s natural. Prayer and a GOOD support system will help with that. Do you have parents, teachers, or mentors you can talk openly with? I find that having these connections help me tremendously, and are an excellent augmentation to my Pastor.

I think right now its important to pray and discern WITHOUT being hard on yourself. I think with time and age you will grow to have a more mature view of sex and sexuality.

HTH

 

[chevalier]

Say a couple decide not to have sex and adopt children, would that be wrong?

Not necessarily, as long as the spouses actually recognised each other’s right to call off the abstinence. “Grudging compliance” by the other spouse would not be ideal, either. Plus, St. Paul does mention, “unless for a short time with mutual consent,” but it does happen among couples that the time is longer. Bottom line: the marriage must confer the right to sexual intercourse, the right can’t be excluded.

I’d be worried somewhat if either of the spouses had a strong aversion to sex which amounted to psychic inability to have a sexual relationship with the other spouse. At that point an invalid marriage could result.

Because the book also states: “When human sexuality is not regarded as a great value given by the Creator, the renunciation of it for the sake of heaven loses its meaning”

Well, that implies a suggestion that those who shun sexuality might perhaps prefer consecrated celibacy (which does not necessarily mean living in a monastery). Why not consider that path.

 

[jmcrae]

Yes, it’s my mistake that I reused my username but luckily my family would never be in this type of forum. I wonder, can I deactivate my account here?

Even if you deactivate your account, your messages will continue to remain. Even if this web site is taken down for some reason, everything will remain in the Google archives, and people will always have access to them.

Really? Well, I have never been called to the guidance office my whole life.
But I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.

You’re right - it wouldn’t hurt.

 

[Plastic_Spoon]

I honestly could have written this post almost verbatim a up until a few months ago, including the OP’s follow up details and posts.

I liked guys, but the thought of ever consummating a marriage was unfathomable to me. I knew that the marital act was a gift from God, but I couldn’t help but be repulsed by the thought of engaging in it myself. (but I also had the same struggles as the OP) I considered religious life but realized that I wasn’t called to it. I was embarrassed by my fear and knew it was off, but there is no way I could have talked to somebody about it. I would have been way too self-conscious. And various failed searches on the internet and this site led me to believe that I was the only person to ever have these thoughts.

In my late teen years I once mentioned to my mom, who knew how uncomfortable I was even with talking about my own anatomy (or even talking about/purchasing the specific clothing to cover it) that I didn’t know how people ever end up doing that, and she just told me that it is different when you find someone you actually love.

I have found that to be true. I have found someone who I truly love, and I am no longer terrified of one day becoming man and wife. That, in conjunction with a great deal of prayer and keeping a much more open mind to Church teachings and the natural aspects of sex has helped me tremendously, although I still have a little ways to go.

Your friend is probably not helping this mindset either. I know you said he is safe, but assigning you a role you’re not comfortable filling sounds very pushy and uncaring to me. I have known people like this and they have pushed me further into my unhealthy mindsets of my pass and made me very uncomfortable overall. I also have to wonder about someone who wants so badly to be with someone who does not want to be with them. By obsessing over you, he is not moving on, making himself available to a girl more suited to him, or to his own religious vocation.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for confirming the I’m not being selfish.
My friend says I should think about him and my possible children whom I’d deprive of life if I don’t marry. He also says he wouldn’t marry if the wife isn’t going to be me.

I know of a man who said just that, only it was the Lord and not the girl that he told “If you want me to be your priest, do something about this young woman, because I’d not want any other than her.” At the time, he had the dream of having a very large family. His intended went off to the convent, though, and so he went off to the seminary. She didn’t stay in the convent, but he was our pastor for over 30 years. He said he always thought of the children he baptized as his children, and he never regretted his decision. He was a very good priest, too!

If it is ever your call to marry someone, it will be your decision, and you will embrace it willingly. If you are not willing to marry someone, that is their issue, not yours.

As for not wanting to have sex yet, I’d say that at the very least you have not met the one you want to marry or else you are not remotely ready to marry. Do not ever overrule that feeling. If you are ready to marry, it will change on its own, and not by force.

 

[EasterJoy]

Your friend is probably not helping this mindset either. I know you said he is safe, but assigning you a role you’re not comfortable filling sounds very pushy and uncaring to me.

Yes. He may mean well, but he is being entirely inappropriate. Let us hope he is just immature and self-centered because he doesn’t understand either women or marriage.

She would not be uncharitable at all if she were to tell him to cut it out and quit trying to cow her into following his will. She knows her own mind, and if he ever intends to make her his wife, he’d better learn to respect it. Even an obedient wife has a mind of her own, and when she gives in, it is by her free choice and her husband’s leadership, and not by being forced into a subservient role that makes her into his slave instead of his wife.

If you find that a man who wants to marry you but thinks it is your job to bow to his will without question instead of his job to lead you by joint consideration to a decision you can both agree with, run fast the other way.

 

[quantum_star22]

I dread marriage becauseI think sexual intercourse is gross although I know otherwise.

I know that it’s a gift from God and that it’s sacred.
I’ve read the book “The truth and meaning of human sexuality”

Here are some quotes:
“Love is a gift from God nourished by and expressed in the encounter of man and woman.”

“it makes them capable of the greatest possible gift, the gift by which they become cooperators with God for giving life to a new human person.”

So my point in posting this thread, is that I would like some help changing my point of view.

Say a couple decide not to have sex and adopt children, would that be wrong? Because the book also states: “When human sexuality is not regarded as a great value given by the Creator, the renunciation of it for the sake of heaven loses its meaning”

I agree with some other posters that you may be called to the religious life, which is the HIGHEST calling. I would suggest you read Pius XII’s encyclical: Sacra Virginitas, which talks about this,

 

[Rau]

I used to have an inordinate desire. But now I find it gross.

This switch in attitude seems odd, particularly for a young person. Can you say something about how it transpired? My inclination is to suspect there is something here that you need to resolve, and making a life-determining decision (eg. to marry or not marry, or be a nun or not), prior to resolving it may be unwise.

 

[Cat]

After reading through this thread and considering the OP’s responses, I’m wondering if she has been sexually abused or raped. The OP could be repressing this. I don’t believe in therapy that aggressively seeks to uncover “repressed memories,” but I definitely believe that people can repress memories of events that are so stressful and horrific, that they can’t bring themselves to confront them. I encourage the OP to go to a licensed counselor who is also a Christian and work through some of the sexual repulsion issues.

It’s my understanding that people who are called to the religious life accept their sexuality with gladness, and appreciate the gift of sexuality. Religious aren’t called to think of sex as “gross” or repulsive-they’re called to be celibate. I’m not sure that it would be a good thing for a modern-day nun to think that sex is “gross.”

I suggest that the OP break off contact with the young man who is pressuring her to marry. I can’t help but wonder why these two people are spending so much time talking about marriage instead of going to movies and concerts, parades, ball games, bowling, ice skating, church youth group activities, school activities, family events, etc.

And if they are discerning vocations, they should both be doing so with the help of a spiritual director, not each other.

I hope this advice is helpful. I am concerned for the OP and hope she’ll seek some help.