Okay, I see that this is a complicated matter, or, anyway, seems to be.
So, how could a stranger really address all this?
Still, I offer these pearls of wisdom. At least I hope they are pearls, for you:
(1) Accept your mother as she is: Screwed up. Imperfect. Neurotic. Disturbed.
(2) Accept your self as you are: Screwed up. Imperfect. Neurotic. Disturbed.
(3) Do nothing to improve, change, help or save your mom.
(4) Do everything in your power to improve, change, help and save yourself.
(5) Get help for working on yourself, if it is available or affordable to you. It could be professional help, or non-professional. Just remember, you are working on getting yourself somewhat un-screwed up, not your mother. She is not your job. She can work on herself, if she wants, but you can’t. Your only job is to accept her as she is, and be a decent and courteous daughter to a mother who created you. Believe it or not, it is possible to be basically decent and courteous even to people are very rude, pushy, nosy, controlling, demanding. It is a learned skill. So learn it.
(6) Practice seeing your in your mind your mother as a weak, sad, pathetic, old and sick person. This will enable you to feel pity for her pain, and will enable you to not feel so weak and vulnerable in her presence. Be sympathetic and empathetic to her. Realize that she really is worried about you, even though everything she is doing to try to help you perhaps is only making things worse.
(7) Sometimes obsessing about the evil that other people do is a way of directing our attention away from the wrong or weak choices we ourselves have made or are making. We focus on the derangement of other people so we don’t have to address our own derangement. Yes, other people around us are deranged. But so what? That’s never the issue. That’s never the real source of our suffering. Our own choices about our actions and attitudes are the real source of our suffering.
It feels good to blame others. Others do a lot deserving of blame. Yet, blaming others solves nothing.
(8) Make other relationships. Sometimes we obsess about the evil that people in our family of origin are doing or not doing because we have no significant relationships outside of our family of origin. Once we are in adulthood, we are meant to mainly leave the nest and make our own relationships. Even if you can’t do that for real right now, you can get some psychic relief by imagining that you have a significant relationship outside of your mom. You could imagine that actress Kristen Stewart is your best friend, and is super supportive of you, and is making you loans, etc.
(9) Practice gratitude. It really helps. Tell everyone thank you, all the time, with sincerity, even if they only are a little helpful. Tell you mom “Thanks” all the time, and really mean it. Tell GOD all the time thanks for any and every little good thing in your life. This is not brainwashing. I’m not suggesting that you stop trying to make thing better. But it helps to make things better by feeling grateful for whatever good things are already coming to you.
(10) Get the book “The Tools” by Stutz and Michels. I think you’ll find some psychological “tools” in there that will help you move forward to better times and feeling better. It is not a Catholic book, but it talks about a “higher power” that seems consistent with Catholic principles.
(11) “I’m taking care of business, Mom.” You might try using that phrase to avoid talking about things when others pry. Elvis Presley had TCB on his belt buckle, and on the tail of his airplane. “Taking Care of Business” was his motto. It might be possible for you to just say, “I’m taking care of business, Mom,” and then stick to your guns and refuse to say anymore, except to repeat “I’m taking care of business.” You’d be surprised that people will give up after a while. Sometimes.
(12) Become a master of changing the subject. Become a master of coming up with reasons to suddenly leave the room.
(13) Don’t even think about cutting off your mom. She may be hurtful, but don’t cut her off. Yes, you can limit contact. But, please in the name of all that is Holy, do not do a cut off.
(14) I recommend the book “Mental Health Through Will Training,” by Abraham Low, M.D. It’s a terrible title. But it is full of principles and ideas that can bring sanity to a person. You may be able to find a free support group that meets to practice the methods in that book. Go to here to find a meeting:
lowselfhelpsystems.org/meetings/find-a-meeting.asp
The people at the meetings tend to be senior citizens. Don’t let that bother you. In my area, many of the meetings are held at Catholic parish buildings, and all the meeting times are listed in our Catholic newspaper. It is not a Catholic program, but it is compatible with Catholic principles. Basically, it gives you psychological tools to calm yourself down and not be so anxious, nervous, angry, fearful, neurotic. It really works.
(15) To be honest, I’m not your parent, yet I’m worried about you. Please don’t just drift along, or try to flee your troubles. The world really doesn’t respond well to that approach. You really need to face and take on your troubles head on, somehow, with help if it is available, or without help if it is not available.
God bless you.
