First of all, let me note that it is legal in the State of Oregon for a parent or legal guardian to provide alcohol to their own minor children in a private residence. Second, let me note that I was given small amounts of beer with meals as a child, but never enough that I was ever aware of a neurological effect of any kind. Third, let me note that I never saw my parents drunk, and according to their contemporaries, they never abused alcohol, even when they were young. My parents had a beer and perhaps a shot of whiskey every day except during Advent and Lent, of which my father said “If you can’t give up alcohol for Advent and Lent, you have problem”. Finally, among my own friends in college, those whose parents were strict or secretive about their drinking seemed to be the students who were the most in a hurry to drink with the goal of getting drunk, both before and after they were legally of the age to do so. These things, taken together, made an impression on me.
We have always let our children taste whatever we were drinking. They have been drinking small amounts of wine in a little glass of their own since they were, I don’t know, eight years old. Keeping in mind that vanilla extract is 40% alcohol, there is an amount of alcohol that is safe. (Our kids started with probably a half a tablespoon of wine, the equivalent of about a half a teaspoon or so of vanilla extract, just a sip or two to call their own.) I’m the only one who gives it to them, though, because otherwise if the two parents fail to communicate, the kids could be served twice. Still, they know a good wine from a bad one and they know what they do and don’t like. They know that alcohol has many uses in cooking, as well, and that there are flavors that come from skillful makers of beer, wine and spirits that don’t really have an equivalent anywhere else.
They also know that the age at which someone first drinks enough alcohol to give them so much as a buzz is highly correlated to their risk of alcoholism later in life. They know that this has to do with the fact that their brain will not be through its last growth phase of childhood until they are roughly 25, but the government couldn’t keep people from drinking what they like for that long, outlawing it altogether didn’t work, and so the law does the best it can. They know that some parents do not let their kids drink at all, and that there are good reasons for making that choice, even if we are taking a different course.
They know that nice people who are otherwise smart and responsible can become addicted, that addiction can lead otherwise decent people to lie to themselves and others, to hurt others, and to fail in both their responsibilities and their personal goals. They know that once a person becomes an alcoholic, he or she must give up drinking alcohol altogether, no exceptions. They understand that this is why they ought not ever get drunk, and certainly why their consumption has to be strictly limited until they are very much older. They understand that if they ever do even drink too much, let alone get drunk, it is far better to admit it and get someone else to drive. They know that someone can be far too impaired to drive without being aware of it.
IOW, we don’t tell them that alcohol is a poison, in the general sense. We tell them that it appears to have some positive health effects, but only when consumed by adults and in very limited amounts and not to the extent that alcohol is at all necessary for good health…because that is the truth. They do know, however, that it is quite possible to not only ruin your character with alcohol, it is also possible to ruin your health with chronic use and to even kill yourself with a single binge. They know that someone who drinks too much and then passes out is in danger of having their breathing stop or to vomit and then choke to death on that. They know this because they are young teens, and too many teens die because they never hear these gory truths from a peer, since if they or one of their peers is irresponsible with alcohol, it can be a matter of life and death whether or not someone else is responsible for them until they sober up.
Most importantly, IMHO, we let them know that alcohol is not a medicine for sadness or stress, and that in fact alcohol ought to be strictly avoided when one is having a bad day or is going through difficult times. Rather, alcohol is to be enjoyed only when it can be done legally, openly, moderately, and preferably as a small part of a greater context where people are relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. When you are feeling bad or going through hard times, it is better to get rest, exercise, spend time in nature, spend time with friends, or to find relaxation in things that don’t put addition stress on your body.
We also tell them that they are always duty-bound to make it comfortable for those who don’t want to drink anything to choose not to drink, even when they are old enough that it is legal for everyone. We tell them to avoid becoming close friends with anyone who seems to lack the ability to enjoy a social situation when there is no alcohol being served.
That’s not all we’ve told them, because this is one of those things we and they have conversations about. This is not a taboo topic, any more than death is a taboo topic. Rather, it is something that we talk about here and there, rather than having this big lecture will all these facts thrown at them.
As for our kids, they get a somewhat larger glass of wine with dinner than they did when they were smaller. They like wine, but sometimes they don’t finish it, just like sometimes they don’t finish their milk or their water or their rootbeer. In our case, this course seems to be OK. They seem to realize both the legitimate use and the dangers of overuse or abuse of alcohol, and that is our goal.
Certainly, drinking in excess around children would be problematic. I guess I don’t drink often enough to really think about it that much.
. They weren’t drunks and always drank in moderation, but I don’t see how it is an issue.