I second this – and I’m not even married!
I don’t think most women fully understand what it’s like to be a guy in terms of sex drive. It is a real and urgent need. It causes us physical and mental anguish. The nearest equivalent for a woman of denying a man sex, I suppose, would be a man expecting a woman to go months without most kinds of social interaction with her husband, even chitchat and friendly hugging. If that sounds like Hell for women, well, that’s what sexlessness is like for men.
For what it’s worth I don’t see anything offensive in your original comment, which simply said that sex is part of a continuing dynamic between couples for which women are not solely responsible. Which, to me, seems so obviously true there’s no reason for it to be controversial.
What’s key here is that many marriages treat sex and non-sexual attention and affection as negotiable. Neither are. Marital duties are duties even if the rights attached to them are left unjustly unfulfilled. A woman has a duty to satisfy her husband even if she feels neglected and unloved. And a man has a duty to love and care for his wife even if she neglects him sexually. Of course, each of these things belong to one another. It’s hard a for man to be loving and attentive when his wife is neglecting him sexually. And it’s hard for a woman to have sex with her husband when he is not particularly loving or attentive. I suspect it’s very easy to get into cycles in which a man resents his wife for not being sexual enough and retaliates by withholding affection, or vice-versa. And the neglected partner responds by cutting back on his or her end, and the cycle worsens. Probably many marriages are destroyed this way, because they’re not meant to be run on the basis of justice (“I’m giving you what you’re owed”) but on the basis of love (“I’m giving you this because I want what’s best for you”).
I think you’ve nailed it.
I think that often, women especially get into the habit of saying “no.” I think this often starts right after a baby arrives. The wife is tired, sore, and she feels more like a mommy than a wifey. If she goes back to work after six weeks of maternity leave, she’s even more exhausted.
So she says “No,” and the husband goes along with with it for a while because he too is tired and stressed because of the new baby and all the extra work and problems.
But then the wife continues to say “no” even after the sleeping is going better, and a routine (even a chaotic one) is established. It’s just a habit.
Calliso mentioned this in their post when he/she asked, “Is it that some people just donlt have time…or is the I donlt have time just an excuse?” I think that’s another good “nailed it” comment. Yes, “lack of time” can be just an excuse, or, as I call it, a “habit.”
Sometimes, though, time really is an issue and it’s not just an excuse. E.g., if one of the spouses is working long hours and isn’t home, there’s not a lot that either spouse can do about it other than quitting the job, and frankly, in this economy, I wouldn’t be too quick to quit any job. Of course if I had to choose between the job and the marriage, it would be to lose the job. But OTOH, a lot of marriages fail when there isn’t enough money coming in to lift the couple out of debt and poverty. A lot of issues to consider–it’s not just a simple dilemma.
Something else that can take away time is a difficult baby or child. Of course we love our difficult-to-care-for babies, but let’s be honest–if you have a child with special needs or a child who is sick a lot, or just a cranky baby who can’t seem to adjust to life outside of a womb and of course, NEVER sleeps!–it takes a LOT of time to care for that baby. So this is a case where “there’s no time for sex” ISN’T just an excuse, but a legitimate issue.
I think that if a couple truly doesn’t seem to have the time for love-making, they need to take a serious look at what is happening in their lives, and try to make some changes to allow for more time.
Like I said, it’s possible that a job that demands too much time may have to go, but boy oh boy, that’s a very tough decision to make, and I think a couple should seek the wisdom of an older couple before cavalierly deciding to quit a good job.
When it comes to the difficult child, a couple could hire a mature sitter to give them a few hours away from the crying and fussing. That’s really hard for some mothers, but I think they should give it serious thought, because they were wives before they were mothers, and they will be wives long after the baby has grown up and left home. The best thing a mother can do for her children is to love their daddy!
What a fascinating and blush-worthy thread.
We were working on our issues in counseling but had to stop because of my husband’s extensive travel schedule. I’m back to wondering if we’re going to make it going forward…