Emergency please help me

[a_priori]

Praying that God will bring the Peace of Christ to you and give you direction. I pray for your husband as well since he seems to be running toward the cliff with his fingers in his ears. He is heading for great pain in his life.

God Bless you Corinne. Your heart is in the right place. You sound like a wonderful woman.

 

[Lightbee]

Hi Corinne

I so feel for you - having been through a separation and divorce, I can honestly tell you that the hardest part is making the stand and seeing it through. But hard as it may be, that doesn’t mean it is the wrong decision. Don’t be afraid to leave yourself if he won’t go - just put a game plan in place. In my situation I was amazed and bewildered by the weird circumstances got brought into my life just at the right time so I could leave my husband (I know that sounds counter to church teaching - but I don’t doubt God’s hand in it for a moment). Keep praying and holding on to Him - he will be hurting over your husband’s behaviour as much as you are.

I’ll be praying for you.

 

[Corinne3]

God bless you!

IMHO, the healing cannot begin until the hurting ends. This has to be resolved as soon as possible for you to begin rebuilding your life.

I will be praying for you.

Thank you Georgia! This is one of the most instrumental things I have heard. THE HEALING CANNOT BEGIN UNTIL THE HURTING ENDS. You see, for the past 2 years with the ins and outs of my h being out of the house, then back in, then out again, 4 times mind you, every time he was back in, I was still hurt, devastated, not trusting him. He was still disrespecting me, in front of our kids, still, as I found out in contact with this stripper, all the while. So it’s been hurt on top of hurt on top of hurt now for 2 years. This is why I haven’t healed yet. This is why I know I have had problems even finding work, I was and have been just too hurt still, to heal and move on.

NOW I am ready and facing the hurt, and how I cannot take any more of it! NO MORE!
He still wants to be stripper chasing, and strip club going, as he said last night, “why don’t I just let him go once a month”…NO WAY. I cannot handle this. He retreated right back there Monday. I know it. Another stab in my heart. Maybe some women would not think it’s a big deal, but I do. Especially since it’s one woman in particular there with whom he has been “madly in love with”, dated, texted, called endlessly, etc. STAB in the heart.

This time, I just HAVE to tell him he’s got to move out. I am finally ready to heal, ponder my life without him, and get on with it. I couldn’t before. I was desperate and pathetic, so hurt I couldn’t function, often drowning myself in alcohol.

Thank you Georgia for making me aware of this. I cannot sit back and do nothing, yet daily, be subjected to his emotional abuse and untrustworthy behavior.

Thank you for your prayers.

Today I am facing myself for what lies ahead. I am petrified, of what will happen. I need for him to move swiftly. Or I will have to file a restraining order I’m afraid. Do you all think if he refuses to leave, I should do this? NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU RE THIS.

 

[MtnDwellar]

And now, a different perspective:

Corrine, If you think that a seperation will make you happier, you are wrong. Most people seem to think that a good spouse, children, carreer, big house, strong reputation, etc. will make them happy and that a lack of these things brings unhappiness.

They are wrong. Happiness is an inside job. God gives us everything that we need to be happy. I don’t know why it isn’t obvious to everyone. We all know people who seem to have all of the things that we want and are still unhappy. If we use the gifts that God has given in the best way that we can, Bingo!, hapiness.

It seems to me that you are not in an emergency situation. You do not have to make an immediate decision. I suggest that you give it a little time.

The way to improve a marriage is by improving yourself. The way to improve yourself is by increasing your own virtue. We cannot change another person. Drowning yourself in alcohol is not justified by your marriage situation. It is gluttony, a capital vice. Gluttony stems from the same lower faculty as your husband’s lust. It is a desire for immediate gratification and an unwillingness to suffer or do that which is arduous in order to achieve a longer term goal.

Whether you stay with your husband or not, try to improve your own status. A devotion to Mary, she is basically the queen of virtue, will help. St. Joseph will help you find employment. Try to develop a relationship with the whole Holy Family.

 

[ohioszo]

And now, a different perspective:

Corrine, If you think that a seperation will make you happier, you are wrong. Most people seem to think that a good spouse, children, carreer, big house, strong reputation, etc. will make them happy and that a lack of these things brings unhappiness.

They are wrong. Happiness is an inside job. God gives us everything that we need to be happy. I don’t know why it isn’t obvious to everyone. We all know people who seem to have all of the things that we want and are still unhappy. If we use the gifts that God has given in the best way that we can, Bingo!, hapiness.

It seems to me that you are not in an emergency situation. You do not have to make an immediate decision. I suggest that you give it a little time.

The way to improve a marriage is by improving yourself. The way to improve yourself is by increasing your own virtue. We cannot change another person. Drowning yourself in alcohol is not justified by your marriage situation. It is gluttony, a capital vice. Gluttony stems from the same lower faculty as your husband’s lust. It is a desire for immediate gratification and an unwillingness to suffer or do that which is arduous in order to achieve a longer term goal.

Whether you stay with your husband or not, try to improve your own status. A devotion to Mary, she is basically the queen of virtue, will help. St. Joseph will help you find employment. Try to develop a relationship with the whole Holy Family.

I agree with this posting. If you can still talk to your husband, and since he wants to remain with you, try to stabilize yourself, providing leaven for the family and home life. Our Pastor would suggest retrouvaille, couples night out, having friends then with stable marriages, when he is ready for this. You and him are having trouble switching from adolescent behavior into adulthood. Bearing children isn’t the answer to becoming an adult, as some mothers of bad sons might hope. Joblessness, alcoholism, civility problems, disrespectful behavior are hallmarks of a bad adaptation to adulthood. You are showing a poor example of dealing with his angst at not being able to be a good provider. He finds his release in something else. Money problems always seem to be the cause, sexual problems are always the women’s complaint. It’s a trap that one falls into that leads to divorce. Wouldn’t it be better to rediscover why you fell in love with him and he with you. Together go back to Church regularly. (My parents are celebrating their 65th anniversary this year.) Except some of the blame, when you talk to him. Or all of the blame. If you except the blame, and he runs out and continues his behavior, then you know that you have someone with a major personality disorder. You and him are in it together right now. His issues are, it seems to me, issues relating to manhood … he is good with the kids they understand his fear perhaps, since they don’t understand the responsibilities of adulthood and accept him as almost an equal maybe.

 

[Sierrah]

Friends who have been following my story, I need some desperate advice.

OK you know my saga, separated 4 times in the past 2 years for a stripper chasing husband----the same stripper who my h’s been in love with for 3 years now…

Well we’ve been back together living together now for a few months. A month ago, he phoned her for 1 minute, after he claimed it was OVER. I saw this on his cell records on line. He said “it was a mistake”. OK, the phone dialed itself. Right.

Yesterday he took our car going to visit his parents, 7 miles away!!! I noted the odometer Sunday night.

I was busy in my room office job hunting, writing letters, etc. So didn’t even come out for most the day. I saw him maybe 6 hours later.

Today I notice he put 100 miles on our car yesterday!!! I asked him where he went besides his folks, he claimed “shopping” yet came home with nothing. Shopping would not be 100 miles of driving–maybe 10 additional. And men do not go window shopping. My h doesn’t. He only goes when he needs something. I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. I FEEL IN MY GUT AND IN MY INTUITION HE WENT TO THE STRIP CLUB YESTERDAY. I asked him today to please be honest with me, and he proceeded with his lies. Or so I feel.
I told him he should move out, for good this time. THAT I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE AND THAT I CANNOT BE MARRIED TO A HUSBAND I CAN’T TRUST. He said “I don’t want to be married to you anymore either”. He claims that’s what he did yesterday, which I feel is ridiculous! I feel he went there. Monday is half price on all nude lap dances too~! He knows this full well. What explains those 100 miles? That totally accounts for this place as it’s about 40 miles away.

Was I wrong to ask him to move out again? I am literally sick because of all this.!!! I am going to get physically ill. I do not trust him. He is not making any effort to change, has quit seeing his counselor, and claims sports is more important than his men’s bible study so hasn’t gone to this for 2 weeks now either.

He is also flirting with girls on his facebook! So I just saw just now. One gal says for him to “stop it, she’s involved and he’s married”. I’m trying to print this out to show him. It’s disgusting and sad.

Is the right decision to make? Asking him to leave because of lack of trust? I have no proof of yesterday where he went, just a gut feeling. What do any of you think about this? Please write back soon

I cannot take it! Yet I still have no job. We have no marriage any longer. He lies, deceives me, betrayed me, and keeps doing it.

When he gets home from work tonight, all ___ will hit the fan I am afraid. I still have no job, yet this is turning into severe emotional abuse. My counselor said this to me. She is right. He disrespects me, and this really hurts alot. I am so scared. I need my Blessed Mother and God to intervene. Please pray for me today!

I do not know how I’ll make it alone. Or even be strong enough to get a job. I’ve been through so much.

Love,
Corinne

Please let me hear from you.

Corinne

Sounds like he’s a real winner. I’ll give you the same advice I’d give a friend or my own family. First find out all his financial dealings (bank accounts, investments and responsibilities), see a lawyer and find out how to protect yourself and what your rights are then pack his bags and ask him to leave. Get a court order if that what it takes to get him out and file separation paperwork so your not attached to his debts (especially from strip clubs). I’ll pray for you.

 

[Corinne3]

And now, a different perspective:

Corrine, If you think that a seperation will make you happier, you are wrong. Most people seem to think that a good spouse, children, carreer, big house, strong reputation, etc. will make them happy and that a lack of these things brings unhappiness.

They are wrong. Happiness is an inside job. God gives us everything that we need to be happy. I don’t know why it isn’t obvious to everyone. We all know people who seem to have all of the things that we want and are still unhappy. If we use the gifts that God has given in the best way that we can, Bingo!, hapiness.

It seems to me that you are not in an emergency situation. You do not have to make an immediate decision. I suggest that you give it a little time.

The way to improve a marriage is by improving yourself. The way to improve yourself is by increasing your own virtue. We cannot change another person. Drowning yourself in alcohol is not justified by your marriage situation. It is gluttony, a capital vice. Gluttony stems from the same lower faculty as your husband’s lust. It is a desire for immediate gratification and an unwillingness to suffer or do that which is arduous in order to achieve a longer term goal.

Whether you stay with your husband or not, try to improve your own status. A devotion to Mary, she is basically the queen of virtue, will help. St. Joseph will help you find employment. Try to develop a relationship with the whole Holy Family.

Hi Mtndweller: Nice to hear from you. You are a man I presume.

I know and understand what you are saying about happiness. You are right. Thank you for reminding me of this again. I have looked to my h to be my source of happiness, I have put him on a pedalstal. I was wrong to do so. I have learned this. You are also right in what you say about not being able to change another person, and about drowning myself in alcohol at times. YES. these things are true. I can only change myself, and my life.

You see though, it is NOT OK for me to tolerate a husband who is unfaithful. And NO, I will not put up with it any longer. I cannot. It is going against everything marriage is, fidelity, trust, etc…We have no marriage when he is giving his heart, soul and body to another woman. Why would you ever recommend I stay with him?

Thank you for your opinion. I am working on changing myself, and praying every day God makes me into a Godly woman, and increases MY virtue. Unfortunately my husband has strayed, is straying, and is adulterous. So, I make my exit plans, and pray for strength.

 

[Corinne3]

I agree with this posting. If you can still talk to your husband, and since he wants to remain with you, try to stabilize yourself, providing leaven for the family and home life. Our Pastor would suggest retrouvaille, couples night out, having friends then with stable marriages, when he is ready for this. You and him are having trouble switching from adolescent behavior into adulthood. Bearing children isn’t the answer to becoming an adult, as some mothers of bad sons might hope. Joblessness, alcoholism, civility problems, disrespectful behavior are hallmarks of a bad adaptation to adulthood. You are showing a poor example of dealing with his angst at not being able to be a good provider. He finds his release in something else. Money problems always seem to be the cause, sexual problems are always the women’s complaint. It’s a trap that one falls into that leads to divorce. Wouldn’t it be better to rediscover why you fell in love with him and he with you. Together go back to Church regularly. (My parents are celebrating their 65th anniversary this year.) Except some of the blame, when you talk to him. Or all of the blame. If you except the blame, and he runs out and continues his behavior, then you know that you have someone with a major personality disorder. You and him are in it together right now. His issues are, it seems to me, issues relating to manhood … he is good with the kids they understand his fear perhaps, since they don’t understand the responsibilities of adulthood and accept him as almost an equal maybe.

Dear Ohioszo:

Yes, my h wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants the comforts of home and also to sneak around and chase strippers and date them, also flirt and pick up girls on the internet. He has a major defect of character. He is stepping out of our marriage. Yes, they probably are issues with his manhood. I have no blame sorry, for HIM choosing to commit adultery.

I am looking for a job, once I have one I plan on moving away and leaving him. I have done everything possible to restore our marriage, everything, you name it, I’ve, We’ve done it, marriage encounter, retreats, counseling, sex addiction therapy (he has), priests, pastors, workshops. HE DOES NOT WANT TO CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR WHICH IS CLEARLY INCOMPATIBLE WITH MARRIAGE. Got it? I am appalled you would want a wife to stay in an abusive marriage.

 

[MtnDwellar]

Hi Mtndweller: Nice to hear from you. You are a man I presume.

You see though, it is NOT OK for me to tolerate a husband who is unfaithful. And NO, I will not put up with it any longer. I cannot. It is going against everything marriage is, fidelity, trust, etc…We have no marriage when he is giving his heart, soul and body to another woman. Why would you ever recommend I stay with him?

Hi Corrine, Your presumption is correct. I am a man, but that doesn’t make me bad…

 

[jwashu]

Hi Mtndweller: Nice to hear from you. You are a man I presume.

I know and understand what you are saying about happiness. You are right. Thank you for reminding me of this again. I have looked to my h to be my source of happiness, I have put him on a pedalstal. I was wrong to do so. I have learned this. You are also right in what you say about not being able to change another person, and about drowning myself in alcohol at times. YES. these things are true. I can only change myself, and my life.

You see though, it is NOT OK for me to tolerate a husband who is unfaithful. And NO, I will not put up with it any longer. I cannot. It is going against everything marriage is, fidelity, trust, etc…We have no marriage when he is giving his heart, soul and body to another woman. Why would you ever recommend I stay with him?

Thank you for your opinion. I am working on changing myself, and praying every day God makes me into a Godly woman, and increases MY virtue. Unfortunately my husband has strayed, is straying, and is adulterous. So, I make my exit plans, and pray for strength.

Connie you are right on track with this! Indeed we are responsible in many ways for our own happiness and God will give us the Grace and Strength we need but a Sacramental Marriage is 100% from each party, not 50/50. You are and have been giving your all, forgiving and loving, he is making the choice not to do that in turn, you can’t force him to act.

I’m truly sorry for what you are going through, and while I normally say keep working on it I have to side with your Priest as you have gone above and beyond trying to make the marriage work it seems.

I’ll be praying for you that God help you through this time and open the doors you need to provide for your family whiling helping you make the right decisions at the right time.

Joe

 

[Musician]

Corinne,
Is there any way at all you can pack up and go to stay with family until this is over? I feel as though you should probably get out of that neighborhood as quickly as possible for your son’s sake.
Regardless, you need to kick your husband out. He isn’t worth this amount of hand-wringing. He is just holding you back from healing from this horrific situation.
Get out now. You will be able to find a job and life will get better, slowly but surely. You will need help, but there is all kinds of state aid out there: food stamps, employment help, food pantries, etc. You CAN do it!

 

[Fae76]

Dear Corinne,

I have followed your story somewhat over the last months. I always get the feeling your husband is using you as a backup - he knows you want to do everything to save this marriage, so he doesn’t believe that you will actually kick him out and not take him back (after all, this has happened a few times now). He continues to do what he’s doing and counts on you taking it.

I’m so glad that you’re standing up for yourself. There is no one who can say that you haven’t tried to work this marriage out, God knows I couldn’t have done what you did. You are a strong woman. You have the right not to be abused and not to be cheated on.

Make sure you are safe. See a lawyer so that you know what your rights are, so you can do the best for you and the children. I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[Corinne3]

Hi Musician!

NO, there are NO family I could live with. None. I thought I mentioned this before. I have family several hours away in a lovely town, (plans are to find a job and move there)…but my folks are very old, told me we could never live with them…and a few other relatives the same. So…this is my plan.

What I could do is 1) Demand he leave in the next 2 days; or 2) file a restraining order, under the basis of emotional abuse, porn, infidelity, immorality as horrible example for my kids…exposing my kids to porn, also he has said at times when severely depressed, that he can “see why some get a gun and blow everyone’s heads off.” If I honestly tell him I will file this, he will probably move out. He doesn’t want another episode on his record, as once in the past 2 years, we had a huge fight,when I found out a week after he cried, said he was sorry for stripper going, and then I find out he went back to the den of whores. This caused the fight. I called the police, they took him away to jail. He was back the next day.

WOW, I sound like a basket case don’t I? Roller Coaster ride…well I’m gettin’ off it, and gettin’ off it for good!!!

Just trying to decide how firm I should be on kicking him to the curb this time. I have to think of all the repercussions, all of them, to me, my kids, finances, etc. Will be doing a lot of praying again.

Thank you.

This is him just venting, I know, but I know I also could get him kicked out if I wanted to.

 

[Corinne3]

Corinne3;6750914:

I didn’t recommend that you stay with him, except to point out that your situation is not an emergency. I think that you will agree that you do not have to make an immediate decision.

.

What do you mean my situation is not an emergency? And I don’t have to make an immediate decision regarding what? Whether to kick him out for good now or later? Need to understand more fully what you mean. Could you please explain. Maybe there is some truth in what you say??? It wouldn’t hurt to sleep on things a few more days I suppose while I calm down…I can always file a RO next week, or the week after, or insist he leave next week, or the week after. There is MUCH to contemplate. You are right. ALL the times we were separated before, it was like getting blood from a turnip to even get grocery money. He forgot to pay utilities and they were turned off…not to mention total chaos…so…I do have to consider everything. I admit I am panicking right now!!! Lord help me! Mother Mary come to my aid!

I am troubled of whether to insist he leave now, or file an RO or let him live here, an “in-house separation” so to speak, until I am financially stable enough to move. This could be a long time!!! It’s been 2 years already and I haven’t found a job…the thought of one more week with this, is unbearable to me! But of course everything is new and flaming at the moment. He is sleeping on the couch from now on.

Please let me more from you…

Am I just supposed to let him live here, In your Opinion, while he flirts with gals on the internet, and goes to strip clubs? What is your suggestion?

 

[Corinne3]

Dear Corinne,

I have followed your story somewhat over the last months. I always get the feeling your husband is using you as a backup - he knows you want to do everything to save this marriage, so he doesn’t believe that you will actually kick him out and not take him back (after all, this has happened a few times now). He continues to do what he’s doing and counts on you taking it.

I’m so glad that you’re standing up for yourself. There is no one who can say that you haven’t tried to work this marriage out, God knows I couldn’t have done what you did. You are a strong woman. You have the right not to be abused and not to be cheated on.

Make sure you are safe. See a lawyer so that you know what your rights are, so you can do the best for you and the children. I will be praying for you and your family.

Thank you Fae! I have seen a couple lawyers. Everything is on me now, as I am so alone and penniless. And yes, my h is using me as a back up. He is a complete jerk and I hate him. I cannot wait to be free from him! God is giving me peace about our relationship now, now HE just has to give me the way, and the path out. With the economy the way it is, a woman in my position, its hard, you have to have something, job, money, place to live…

In the meantime, it’s “in house separation” total detachment. This is what is HAS to be for me to protect myself. Does this make sense?

 

[MtnDwellar]

MtnDwellar;6751149:

Am I just supposed to let him live here, In your Opinion, while he flirts with gals on the internet, and goes to strip clubs? What is your suggestion?

You are seeing that the situation is not an emergency. Your comment that you are hurt and flaming shows that you understand that you can take some time before you seperate and this minute may not be the time to make decisions.

It has been established that you are on sound legal and moral ground to divorce and annul. I suspect that you are now feeling what you previously knew. In your situation, a person has to go through the entire process of multiple attempts at saving the marriange and feel the pains of failure before they know in their heart that the marriage is over. They always say, “I should have known this a long time ago.” The truth is that it was impossible to “know”. If you have reached that point, you should now be feeling somewhat relieved. The pressure is off. There is no more work on that project.

Now, since the Save the Marriage project is over, you have to get on with the Corrine and Her Children Need to Start a New Life project. Doors will open and unseen challenges will arise. I cannot make a suggestion as to whether the “in house” seperation is a good idea or not. I can tell you that it worked for a friend of mine. She was in as bad or worse situation than yours. She knew that she needed to be self sufficient to take care of herself and child. She went to school and earned a nursing degree while living with her drunken abusive husband. She graduated, got a job, and left. She was very strong. Others seperate without such a well thought out and well executed plan.

Whether you seperate now or later, I still stand by my previous advice. With God all things are possible. Faith can move mountains. This stuff is not made up!!

I will pray for you at mass tomorrow.

 

[Corinne3]

Corinne3;6751667:

You are seeing that the situation is not an emergency. Your comment that you are hurt and flaming shows that you understand that you can take some time before you seperate and this minute may not be the time to make decisions.

It has been established that you are on sound legal and moral ground to divorce and annul. I suspect that you are now feeling what you previously knew. In your situation, a person has to go through the entire process of multiple attempts at saving the marriange and feel the pains of failure before they know in their heart that the marriage is over. They always say, “I should have known this a long time ago.” The truth is that it was impossible to “know”. If you have reached that point, you should now be feeling somewhat relieved. The pressure is off. There is no more work on that project.

Now, since the Save the Marriage project is over, you have to get on with the Corrine and Her Children Need to Start a New Life project. Doors will open and unseen challenges will arise. I cannot make a suggestion as to whether the “in house” seperation is a good idea or not. I can tell you that it worked for a friend of mine. She was in as bad or worse situation than yours. She knew that she needed to be self sufficient to take care of herself and child. She went to school and earned a nursing degree while living with her drunken abusive husband. She graduated, got a job, and left. She was very strong. Others seperate without such a well thought out and well executed plan.

Whether you seperate now or later, I still stand by my previous advice. With God all things are possible. Faith can move mountains. This stuff is not made up!!

I will pray for you at mass tomorrow.

Thank you ever so much mtndweller. I know God sent you to me to hear what you had to say. They are well taken. Your advice and imput is awesome! How old are you? I love what you said about how my “save the marriage project is over”. How true indeed.

Thank you for praying for me at your Mass. Will you really? God Bless You if you really remember to do so.

 

[Corinne3]

Connie you are right on track with this! Indeed we are responsible in many ways for our own happiness and God will give us the Grace and Strength we need but a Sacramental Marriage is 100% from each party, not 50/50. You are and have been giving your all, forgiving and loving, he is making the choice not to do that in turn, you can’t force him to act.

I’m truly sorry for what you are going through, and while I normally say keep working on it I have to side with your Priest as you have gone above and beyond trying to make the marriage work it seems.

I’ll be praying for you that God help you through this time and open the doors you need to provide for your family whiling helping you make the right decisions at the right time.

Joe

I just have to thank you Joe just so much. Thank you too, if you really WILL be praying for me at Mass this weekend.! I know it’s so easy to say we’ll be praying for someone on the internet, how we rarely do, I am guilty of this myself. Prayers, specifically, the Rosary, as a nice lady told me in Rosary group last night, are like giving roses to our blessed mother which last forever…what a joy. I am so joyful today that I met this nice lady!
Thank you dear Joe~

 

[rapunzel77]

Corinne,

I know that I am very new to this situation and I haven’t read all the other threads but I think it is best that he leave. You have tried everything to save your marriage and he doesn’t seem to want to. I’m sorry that none of your relatives will take you in. It’s scary when you are unemployed too but for the sake of your children and yourself, tell him to leave and if he doesn’t, then you might have to leave. God bless you and I pray that Our Lady will protect you.

 

[Corinne3]

Hi Rapunzel! I love your name.

Thank you so much for replying.

My h, friends just informs me just now, he’s going back to his counselor, tonight. Yeah right. OK. DO NOT believe anything more out of his mouth. Sorry.

He’s attempting to maintain the status quo, all the while doing what he pleases. I do not buy it anymore, I’m afraid. Not for one second.

I am so through.

Lord, Mother Mary help me be strong.

Something that really grasped me at Mass last night was this. The Priest says, the body is our strength, the blood is our healing. Both things I need right now.
Hoping for daily Mass during this arduous time in my life.

Thank you Catholic Friends~ I love you all