Emergency please help me

[Corinne3]

Corinne- I have to ask as a one person to another - are you seeing a counselor - and have you thought of harming yourself? If so we need to get you some help. I noticed your threads have gone from determined to talking about being with Christ. Can we get you some help?

Thank you so much for asking. I have and was seeing a counselor. All she said was “what are you doing for you”? and “you need to get a job, blah blah blah”…which I have been striving for, nothing more. All in all it was not helpful after a few sessions.

No, of course not, I have not been harming myself except for getting drunk sometimes. I guess this is. I quite possibly need rehab but I am afraid to go. I drink sporadically, when my nerves just cannot take anything more. Then for a while I am fine, strong, etc…then something else occurs, like my h going back to the strip club, and my feelings of not being loved or cherished by him appear again. My dr gave me anti-depressants but I do not want to take drugs except for my HBP…high blood pressure which is inherited…So I do not take them.

You folks are too kind. If you met me, you would think I am a beautiful, together woman. I am really, and I know my happiness is not dependent upon any relationship. Sometimes though I feel just so emotionally fragile, and I do not know how to deal with it. I am an artist, and see the world differently than most. I am hyper-sensitive, and cannot take stress. My h knows this too. He is kind in many ways, really, just has to have his kicks on the side. And this kills me. maybe if I didn’t love him so much it wouldn’t matter as much. My parents refer to me as their “gifted child”…

 

[Corinne3]

I agree with dulcissima. Have you ever heard of the saying that God only helps those who help themselves?

When I was diagnosed with my health problems over the past 42 years, I didn’t sit back and feel sorry for myself. I looked into support groups to educate myself about my illnesses and to meet others like myself. Sure I could’ve just said rely on the Lord alone but there’s more to it than that. Yes, I have faith but the Lord had more in store for me.

After I went through my many surgeries and a stroke that almost ended my life 5 years ago, He used me to assist others going through the exact same thing. I didn’t sit there all depressed thinking that there was nothing else I could do with nobody to turn to. I asked my MD if there were any support groups out there, got up off my butt when I was medically cleared AND DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT instead of feeling sorry for myself and bringing others down w/me and constantly saying nothing else worked. If one door closed, I kept on going until another door opened.

**You have the information available to you. You just have to look into it and not sit back and complain that it’s impossible. **With God, everything is possible. If I can overcome living w/Crohn’s disease, a blood clotting disorder where my body throws clots at any given time, a 12" clot on my brain that caused my stroke, and a recent small bowel obstruction (I’ve had over 20 of them), then you can overcome your cross as well.

Remember, if there are other women far worse than yourself who are able to seek assistance and better their situation for their children then YOU CAN TOO. I’ve seen it with my own eyes as I use to work at a local hospital. Good luck to you.

Dear Chronie: You are much stronger than me.

Thank you for sharing though.

 

[Corinne3]

There is wisdom here. What do your children say…“before/after”? Have you given them the chance to really speak their heart to you?

Not completely, but I think maybe it would be a good idea. They have told me several times in 2 years, “mom you should divorce dad”…and “he doesn’t deserve you”.

BUT, they are children. So someone doesn’t deserve us. Oh well. To be expected in this life. WE vowed before God to BE faithful to them regardless. Which is what I am trying to do.

I do not know the future. It is in God’s hands. I just want most of all to do the right thing by Him.

Floresco: WHERE are you? can you write?

 

[crohnie4life]

Corrine, I’m not that much stronger than yourself. I’ve been depressed and felt very much alone when first dxed with Crohn’s at age 12 until I met others like myself and was able to open up and express my feelings.

Also, I prayed a lot and ask the Lord to assist me w/carrying this cross that I am now bearing and he led me to 2 wonderful support groups where I met so many ppl in the exact same boat as I was. Thus, that is how I met my now BFF. She is a Christian and we share the exact same morals/beliefs. Even though she’s moved more than 2 hrs. away, we still keep in contact via phone, email, and the support chapter. We both make the effort to visit at least twice a year but sometimes I can’t due to my illness and she understands. Anyway, whenever I am at my lowest, she is the first person to tell me that I am a strong person on the inside & that I can get through anything because I have a sense of wanting to be independent and take care of myself and family. Also, a sense of humor helps.

I’ve met other IBD pts. who have given up on life or just wanting someone else to take care of their ostomies not wanting to have anything to do with it. They’ve been given all of the information to educate themselves (just like you have been given) but they chose to run from the situation due to fear or denial. Then it gets to a critical point where they must face their illness because of an emergency surgery or they are near death. Then they realize how much life is worth living and their tune changes.

Corrine, you’ve been given all of the information the CAF members can offer. The choice is up to YOU on whether or not you want to contact legal aid and social services for job training, a place to live, and information on separating from your husband. We can not decide for you if it’s right or wrong. This is your call, your decision, your choice–continue to live like you are (sit back and do nothing) or get up and DO SOMETHING NOW.

 

[atg2]

Some men have an addictive-personality;which doesn’t always become apparent until later in life.It may be as a result of an unhappy childhood.Suggest going to Marriage Guidance Counselling together;or just go alone.They will help you see a way through.regards

 

[Ailina]

Not completely, but I think maybe it would be a good idea. They have told me several times in 2 years, “mom you should divorce dad”…and “he doesn’t deserve you”.

BUT, they are children. So someone doesn’t deserve us. Oh well. To be expected in this life. WE vowed before God to BE faithful to them regardless. Which is what I am trying to do.

I do not know the future. It is in God’s hands. I just want most of all to do the right thing by Him.

Floresco: WHERE are you? can you write?

Corinne,

Why are you asking Floresco for help? Did Floresco not say to follow the advice of your counselors and priests who know your situation, and not the advice of people here? God has given you the advice you need through your priests and counselors. You can also ask Him for strength to get through this. Most of us in your situation learn to live one day at a time so we are not overwhelmed, and find strength to do what needs to be done one day at a time, with a lot of prayer thrown in.

It is a terribly painful thing you are going through, but the pain is not going to go away so long as your husband chooses to be unfaithful to you and the marriage. Unless you learn to detach yourself from him and start leading your own life, you are going to feel trapped and stuck. If you cannot afford to leave, you can still detach emotionally and get yourself in a better place. But only you can do it; no one else can do it for you. One day you will decide to step off this drama roller coaster, and that is when the healing will begin.

 

[Ailina]

“When he gets home from work tonight, all ___ will hit the fan I am afraid. I still have no job, yet this is turning into severe emotional abuse. My counselor said this to me. She is right.”

Corinne, I just went back to your first post in this thread and quoted the above from it. I thought you said your husband did not have a job later on in this thread:

“MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN UNEMPLOYED FOR 2 YEARS AND HAS NO INCOME…ZERO…WHICH MEANS NO ALIMONEY, NO CHILD SUPPORT. Hello? And I have been a stay at home mom now for several years too with no money. SO>>>>>>>>why do so many of you keep saying something contrary to reality in my situation? Do you not read my thread in all I have posted?”

But he did on June 15th when you started this? Now I am confused. If he has a job, then he has to pay child support, alimony and must divide the household assets since you have been married for so long. You are entitled to half his pension/401s too.

 

[Ailina]

"She, my counselor, essentially told me to ignore my h.Completely. HUH? She said not to initiate anything with him and just to worry about myself. Do not pay attention or give any more energy into what he’s doing or not doing, do not look at his phone records, do not even mention his men’s group, basically check out. She told me to just take care of myself and kids. Note: THIS is what my friends and family have been telling me for 2 years now, ever since my h’s affair. Nothing different here.She told me to LET GO of everything! Essentially just to ignore him, to make myself happy and not give a hoot what he’s doing.

I feel for some reason I should put up with **** and endless stuff, just cuz I am a Catholic and because divorce is sinful…

She told me, perhaps because I am so miserable and because I cannot trust him any longer, that I should work on establishing a new life for myself. Come on after 22 years of marriage? Is it even possible?

How does anyone feel about this?

PS I HAVE MET WITH MY PRIEST AND A FEW OTHERS TOO. ALL OF THEM HAVE SAID THE SAME THING. That I have every reason for an annullment. But none of them have really said anything more or further than this, except for one other pastor who said to me point blank that my h loves his sin more than me. And that he doesn’t love me. This was hard to hear."

Corinne,

I pasted this from your original thread regarding your marriage. You need to listen to your counselors and priests and stop second-guessing them. They are the experts, not us.

I know how hard this all is, having been there myself. You CAN survive this and lead a positive life in the future, if you let yourself. The Lord has put those people in your life to help you. LET them help you.

 

[Corinne3]

Dear Ailina:

Thank you so much. My husband was working at a small temp job for a few days which is now over. Now he’s basically still unemployed but looking for work, so am I!

I feel much better today! Must be prayer! I went back to my S-Anon support group today and the ladies were very supportive.It is wonderful having some women with husbands in the same issues as mine. ** I know I will be working again very soon, and then I’ll feel even better! Getting out again, being productive, and gaining some options. I KNOW no one can give me the answers on exactly what to do, also everyone says something different anyway…but I do appreciate hearing everyone’s views. I’m going through menopause, so having a lot of ups then downs. Oh well. such is life. I can only do what is needed for each day anyway. One Day At a Time!!! I tend to be a real blockhead sometimes, so it takes a while for something to sink in…All the priests and counselors have told me the same thing!!! It’s unanimous. I have every reason for an annulment. But I must feel and sense the peace of God about it first…which I haven’t in the past 2 whole years,we’ll see now…

I do have an immediate question which I’d appreciate anyone’s opinions on.

Since this last bout of my h’s infidelity, (3 weeks ago)…same ol’ same ol, I have told him he needs to sleep on the couch, that I just cannot share our marital bed with a h who is betraying me. It infringes on my boundaries and just feels yuccy. It is so stressful that I don’t sleep well all night, and this affects my health too. Is this right or wrong to do? What do you all think? I feel bad he’s on the uncomfortable couch, then begin feeling sorry for him, that he’s there, then I think why is he? It was his choice not mine to do what he’s doing. Then I’m fine. If any of you have time, can I get your views?

Thanks so much, and I appreciate your prayers and thoughts.

God Bless!

 

[Corinne3]

"She, my counselor, essentially told me to ignore my h.Completely. HUH? She said not to initiate anything with him and just to worry about myself. Do not pay attention or give any more energy into what he’s doing or not doing, do not look at his phone records, do not even mention his men’s group, basically check out. She told me to just take care of myself and kids. Note: THIS is what my friends and family have been telling me for 2 years now, ever since my h’s affair. Nothing different here.She told me to LET GO of everything! Essentially just to ignore him, to make myself happy and not give a hoot what he’s doing.

I feel for some reason I should put up with **** and endless stuff, just cuz I am a Catholic and because divorce is sinful…

She told me, perhaps because I am so miserable and because I cannot trust him any longer, that I should work on establishing a new life for myself. Come on after 22 years of marriage? Is it even possible?

How does anyone feel about this?

PS I HAVE MET WITH MY PRIEST AND A FEW OTHERS TOO. ALL OF THEM HAVE SAID THE SAME THING. That I have every reason for an annullment. But none of them have really said anything more or further than this, except for one other pastor who said to me point blank that my h loves his sin more than me. And that he doesn’t love me. This was hard to hear."

Corinne,

I pasted this from your original thread regarding your marriage. You need to listen to your counselors and priests and stop second-guessing them. They are the experts, not us.

I know how hard this all is, having been there myself. You CAN survive this and lead a positive life in the future, if you let yourself. The Lord has put those people in your life to help you. LET them help you.

Thank you Ailina! That’s so true…maybe for the past couple years I’ve thought…“it can’t be true”…but unfortunately it is true! This saddens me to no end, but it is reality too.

 

[horselvr]

I’m sorry but I have just been through this whole thread and I have to say that this thread is very reminiscent of one that went on and on several months ago and finally was removed from the board. It has exactly the same tone and the writings are the same, so very desperate, everyone on board trying to help, but won’t help yourself and then you get all huffy about Catholic Charities (supposedly) not helping you.

Let me ask you this—if you are so broke, (so broke in fact that you feel you have the right to chastise some on board for meerly suggesting you consult with a lawyer)—where are you getting the money to buy booze and where is the stripper money coming from, and where is the gas money coming from for your husband to drive 100 miles to get to the strip bars?

Sorry not buying any of this.

 

[Corinne3]

"** If he has a job, then he has to pay child support, alimony and must divide the household assets since you have been married for so long. You are entitled to half his pension/401s too.**

Yes. My attorney did say he’ll have to pay alimoney for life to me, which will be about 35% of his income, once he is working. Hummmmmm, guess it would behoove me of course to not file for D until he is working…of course! I’m not really think of this anyway right now.
One step at a time…

He has no pension, no savings, no nothing, we have no equity in our home at the moment, but most likely will in a couple more years. All in God’s timing…I cannot get too anxious over tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself, the Bible says.

 

[Corinne3]

I’m sorry but I have just been through this whole thread and I have to say that this thread is very reminiscent of one that went on and on several months ago and finally was removed from the board. It has exactly the same tone and the writings are the same, so very desperate, everyone on board trying to help, but won’t help yourself and then you get all huffy about Catholic Charities (supposedly) not helping you.

Let me ask you this—if you are so broke, (so broke in fact that you feel you have the right to chastise some on board for meerly suggesting you consult with a lawyer)—where are you getting the money to buy booze and where is the stripper money coming from, and where is the gas money coming from for your husband to drive 100 miles to get to the strip bars?

Sorry not buying any of this.

In case you do not know, attorneys’ fees are about $200.00 an hour just to meet with them. And it costs $5,000 retainer fee to even initiate proceedings. I’ve already had a few consults, which were free. I think there are some free options out there though. Will check them out. Thanks for your concern.

 

[horselvr]

Corinne3: Thanks for answering my post I have been waiting for your response.

Unfortunately you have not answered my questions. Any of them.

As far as me not knowing what a lawyers fees are let me bring you up to speed.

I was married for 15 yrs and was a stay at home wife/mother. My husband worked overseas and actually had a whole other life over there.

Remember I hadn’t worked in 15 yrs. and my husband had been kicked out of the country for attacking a client. So NO income. No equity in the house. Bank accounts empty.

I got a divorce. I know very well what a lawyer costs. However--------

You have not answered my questions and I noticed you avoided other point blank questions someone else had asked.

I’ll repost my questions here for your consideration.

“Let me ask you this—if you are so broke, (so broke in fact that you feel you have the right to chastise some on board for meerly suggesting you consult with a lawyer)—where are you getting the money to buy booze and where is the stripper money coming from, and where is the gas money coming from for your husband to drive 100 miles to get to the strip bars?”

I look forward to reviewing your answers to these questions in your next post.

 

[horselvr]

Oh, I see you have just gone off line. :compcoff:

 

[Ailina]

Dear Ailina:

. But I must feel and sense the peace of God about it first…which I haven’t in the past 2 whole years,we’ll see now…

I feel bad he’s on the uncomfortable couch, then begin feeling sorry for him, that he’s there, then I think why is he? It was his choice not mine to do what he’s doing. Then I’m fine. If any of you have time, can I get your views?

Thanks so much, and I appreciate your prayers and thoughts.

God Bless!

Corinne,

You are not going to feel wonderful while you are living a marriage break down. It’s a painful process, period. But this too shall pass so long as you don’t stay stuck in the same situation over and over again.

Why do you keep second-guessing yourself? Why do you need our opinions? You got some great advice from your counselors and priests. Take it and move forward. Things are NOT going to improve by wishing they’d go away without having to do anything about it.

 

[Corinne3]

Corinne,

You are not going to feel wonderful while you are living a marriage break down. It’s a painful process, period. But this too shall pass so long as you don’t stay stuck in the same situation over and over again.

Why do you keep second-guessing yourself? Why do you need our opinions? You got some great advice from your counselors and priests. Take it and move forward. Things are NOT going to improve by wishing they’d go away without having to do anything about it.

I AM taking steps. I am #1: looking for a job (very difficult to find right now with this succy economy); and #2, once I find one, taking my kids and moving away closer to my family. This is my total plan. Thank you so much. And yes, “this too shall pass”. I believe it will. I have gotten to a place where I KNOW as many of you have gone on to a better life without an infidel of a husband, I can too. I do not want to feel sorry for myself any longer. It has worn me out. I tried and tried to reverse him being this way. It is not in my control. I fully realize this now. I have been reading Romans 1 lately, which my pastor pointed out once. God gave people over to their depravity, when they continued to choose sin. And left them alone.

HorseLover:

I don’t really see why it’s so important to you to answer these questions about where am I getting money for booze, or where is my husband getting $ for strip joints?

Well, out of his unemployment funds, I suppose sadly he has spent it in clubs. $50.00 a pop. And, he will also buy beer and whiskey, and sometimes I drank some of it. That’s where. Sadly, then he has given me minimal for our families’ groceries.

 

[joandarc2008]

Corinne I will say it again - go to Legal Aid - they will find you a lawyer based on a sliding scale. You need to make a decision. At this point it is starting to sound like some excuses for not making movements or severe depression. You need to be very careful with this. If you are suffering from severe depression or alcoholism in a secular society his adultery is not going to matter in a child custody case. Now, you need to stop being selfish and start taking some advice from others for the sake of your children and their spiritual well being. I doubt the kind of man that is running around with strippers is going to worry about their sacrmanet. Sorry to be harsh - I am just letting you know what is on the line.

 

[Thyme]

I don’t have any good advice to offer, but this is really sad. I said a prayer for you.

 

[crohnie4life]

I agree with Joandarc, GO TO LEGAL AID. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??

Just get up and GO!!! No ands, ifs, ors, or BUTS. NO EXCUSES.

If others in similar circumstances can seek legal assistance so can YOU.

If others in similar circumstances can seek assistance in getting a job (there are job openings where I live such as Burger King, Walmart, McDonalds, yes, it’s minimum wage but it’s a START. You may even have to work 2 jobs to get by but YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, heck, try a temporary agency,THERE ARE JOBS, you have to look) so CAN YOU. NO MORE EXCUSES. JUST DO IT. What are you afraid of?

You have the information available to you. You have family. CAF members have given all of the advice/information possible… The rest is up to you.