Emotional affair cheating wife? Need help

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I have a couple of suggestions for you, and I will pray for you.

I would not let on that you recorded her. The relationship she has with him is already far too intimate just in the amount of time she spends with him on the phone. That is all that really matters. She could say that her reference to love was a love between friends. And then she would be able to attack you for violating her trust and privacy. Then neither one of you trusts the other, and that is an even more serious problem.

She should discontinue the close relationship with this man ~because~ it bothers you, whether she thinks it is inappropriate or not.

You made comments about how she doesn’t like your family and friends so you don’t have close relationships with them. Please try to establish your own (male!) friendships, whether your marriage succeeds or not. Try to choose people who are in line with your values. You will need friends and family to get through this.

You said that divorce is not an option for you. Are you certain it is not an option for her? If you live in a state where there is no fault divorce then she could divorce you and you would have no say in it. She is engaging in behavior that clearly shows that she has disengaged emotionally from this marriage, whether she knows it or not. No sex, you on the couch, she’s spending too much time with another man, ignored anniversary…

Someone suggested saving records so you could show that she had behaved badly/was having an affair. I don’t know if it matters in your state, but in mine it does not matter in the least. To have any effect on custody, the person has to be an abusive drug addict, or worse.

Your best course of action is to try to save your marriage. She has disengaged, and you have probably not been aggressive about engaging with her and keeping the marriage vibrant. This happens over time, with kids, I know. I know about the loss of trust, the lack of sleep, the feeling like you’ve been kicked in the guts.

My priest told me that it takes 2 to save a troubled marriage. Pray that your wife wants to try to save your troubled marriage with you. Pray that she sees that there are serious problems, including the relationship with this man, and that the two of you have contributed to those problems. Tell her what you, yes you, could be doing better to enhance the marriage. Insist on counseling and Retrouvaille; she may not realize that you are serious about the depth of the problem if you don’t. You know how to approach her about this in the best way to achieve this goal. Remember, the goal is to work together to save your marriage. You will need to deal with the friendship issue, for sure, but this is a symptom of a much larger problem; you mentioned yourself that your marriage is rotten in the center. Both of you contributed to that rot and you can both clean it up.

You are at a critical point in your marriage; keep you eye on the long term goal here. I pray that your wife is interested in saving your marriage.
 
There is no way of knowing that this is just an emotional affair. She has lied to you for a long time and cannot be trusted.

I am glad that you are going to get counseling for yourself. That is a good start.

Even if you do not believe in divorce or want a divorce, your wife may. I strongly suggest getting legal counsel so that you are prepared for any contingency. Your kids need your presence. Might your wife run off with the kids? Maybe, maybe not. But you need to be prepared.

Get a handle on your legal rights before confronting either your wife or other parties. You may not need the legal information, but I think it is the prudent thing to do.
 
From someone who truely understands your pain …

Lord, please hear these prayers for all families, especially those which are struggling to save their marriage. May I offer my own suffering for those whom are in need of your mercy and grace.

Amen.

God, from you every family in heaven and on earth takes its name. Father, you are love and life. Through your Son, Jesus Christ, born of woman, and through the Holy Spirit, fountain of divine charity, grant that every family on earth may become for each successive generation a true shrine of life and love.

Grant that your grace may guide the thoughts and actions of husbands and wives for the good of their families and of all the families in the world. Grant that the young may find in the family solid support for their human dignity and for their growth in truth and love. Grant that love, strengthened by the grace of the sacrament of marriage may prove mightier than all weaknesses and trials through which our families sometimes pass.

Through the intercession of the Holy Family of Nazareth, grant the church may fruitfully carry out her worldwide mission in the family and through the family. We ask this of you, who are life, truth, and love with the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
 
SED said:
From someone who truely understands your pain …

Lord, please hear these prayers for all families, especially those which are struggling to save their marriage. May I offer my own suffering for those whom are in need of your mercy and grace.

Amen.

God, from you every family in heaven and on earth takes its name. Father, you are love and life. Through your Son, Jesus Christ, born of woman, and through the Holy Spirit, fountain of divine charity, grant that every family on earth may become for each successive generation a true shrine of life and love.

Grant that your grace may guide the thoughts and actions of husbands and wives for the good of their families and of all the families in the world. Grant that the young may find in the family solid support for their human dignity and for their growth in truth and love. Grant that love, strengthened by the grace of the sacrament of marriage may prove mightier than all weaknesses and trials through which our families sometimes pass.

Through the intercession of the Holy Family of Nazareth, grant the church may fruitfully carry out her worldwide mission in the family and through the family. We ask this of you, who are life, truth, and love with the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
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Beautifully written…thank you. We can all use this prayer, indeed.
 
Question: Why are you on the couch? You two are married and belong in bed with each other. If your wife has a problem with your snoring, she can go sleep on the couch; why does she have this power to eject you from your own bedroom? And if she does that, it is by no means impossible that she will one day decide you need to leave the house, see your children maybe twice a month, and pay her child support. Do protect yourself.

Good on you for staying committed to your marriage. I really, really hope you’re able to get your wife to work on it as well, and not blow up your family.
 
I used to travel a lot for business and always made it a point to be extra mindful of my wife at home. I took extraordinary measures to always meet female business associates in public and made it a point to invite others if we were having a business lunch/meal. That said, it appears the wife could be insensitive at the least and committing adultery (by thought) at the worst. I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt so I join with others and recommend asking the pastor to sit down with husband and wife to see how they’re doing. The husband may be viewing his wife’s actions one way and the wife may have a different perspective. If it’s as the husband fears and his wife is emotionally cheating on him, the pastor will ferret out the truth very quickly and can help get to the cause.

After that, it’s up to the couple to make it work. No one can force the husband or wife to accept a solution; they have to come up with something that works and that is in accordance with God’s laws.

This situation sounds very painful and I pray that God will grant healing to both sides whichever way this works out.
 
Thank you everyone for all the advice. Thank you SED for the beautiful prayer.

SuperLuigi you are correct in your assertions that this is not normal. For a while I believed it was, but I see now that I was mistaken.

Royalist and Luv2travel, I don’t think I want to get the other wife involved just yet. I am hopeful I can work this out without causing more pain to another person. If the relationship is not fully formed with this guy, then maybe things can still work out.

mariemargaret, thanks so much for all your thoughts. You make good sense on not letting her know about the recording. Absolutely, she will try to turn it back on me. I will try and talk to her first, without bringing that up. I will see how it goes. It is an extremely powerful recording. I don’t see how anyone could spin it any other way.

I know she would never divorce me, I think. Cynically, I think she knows I would never leave her so maybe she is abusing that? I make a very good living and the family has everything they need, maybe she wouldn’t want to walk away from that? Plus, divorce is not what God wants us to do. We are supposed to be joined together as one. I still want to bond with her. I still want our marriage to work. Yes, I have my flaws, but I have never ever come close to doing anything like this. Maybe she is naive and is getting sucked in and doesn’t really know it or understand how far she is taking it. “Just friends” is a powerful statement that can be abused to silence me.

Groo and others regarding legal rights and divorce laws. It’s pretty clear cut, she will get half of everything I own. Frankly, I don’t really care about all that. If she wants to leave, I have no recourse, the state I live in has it all figured out.

heidi_storage, yes the couch. I would love to be with my wife every night. The bedroom has a big skylight, you can see the stars at night, so nice. I miss that. I miss being with her at night. You know, when you get married, you have this vision of what your life is going to be like. Sometimes, when you live in it for so long, you forget or don’t understand that things are not right. Sort of like having a dirty house, you get accustomed to it and don’t realize it’s dirty until you have people come over and they make comments. On our anniversary, I had the flu and stayed home with the kids, my wife went to church. I spent two hours hand drawing a really nice card for her and left it on the island. When she came home she ignored it until my daughter said something to her. She did nothing for me. It didn’t bother me right away, until I started to see what was happening. Now it hurts to think about what she did to me, in front of my kids no less.

808Catholic, thanks for the sound advice. I too never ever flirt with women at work or strike up conversations. I would NEVER call a woman at her house and discuss my situations or anything that is not strictly business related. These things I don’t do, yet she has no problem with it. I plan on talking to her. I was hoping tomorrow, but she has activities going on with the kids, so I don’t think it’s going to happen right away. To her, everything is just normal, we are having normal conversations about our day and blah blah. I am not happy right now, but I am gaining strength with all the prayers. I feel so much better today knowing that so many people are praying for me and my situation.
 
I didn’t say anything about property. I am talking about your kids and custody.

The first Google link I found has this advice for fathers:

Consult an attorney before she has the opportunity to file for a divorce. You need an attorney who will file a petition for custody and an access order. Doing this will mean you filing for divorce but, it will always mean you protecting your legal rights as a father.

divorcesupport.about.com/od/divorceadvicepolls/f/father_custody.htm

Maybe this snippet of advice doesn’t apply in your state. I have no idea. But generally custody goes to the mother if she is the primary caregiver and the father does nothing. At least seek counsel on what your options are if your wife does something you do not expect. If you don’t want to seek counsel for yourself; at least do it for your kids. They need you.
 
You can also attend a marriage encounter weekend-retrouville. God needs to be invited back into your marriage.
Praying for you both as well.
 
I would suggest counseling.

Maybe there is a Catholic or Christian counseling service in your area and if your wife gets a new perspective from a professional then she will come to her senses.

Also, there are resources out there on how to improve your marriage. I can’t recommend a specific one because I have not read them although this forum is a motivator to do that preemptively. I think someone in another thread mentioned Mort Fertel. There are others.
It is amazing how little hard study most of us do in one of the most critical areas of our lives – relationships.

I think this issue you have is not that uncommon to different degrees. It is normal for people to like or admire someone else. What keeps us out of trouble is boundaries, and most of the time one person or the other in a friendship / acquaintance will signal that a boundary is being crossed and the other will respect the boundary. Two people may like each other at work, and one starts to mention her husband and the other does not respond / engage that conversation etc. and the two stay inside the boundary.

In this case both people went way too far probably, because they thought that the other person being religious would be immune to “going to far”. Obviously religious are not immune, and when your wife hears a third party explain this she may very well change her behavior.

While this is going on you may through your own study / counseling learn about how to be better on your end too.

Good luck.
 
If I was in your shoes I would simply pack my bags hire another house with space for the kids arrange some movers to get my stuff, walk over to the other guys wife, tell her what is going on and show her the phone records, tell her that you understand what it feels like and that you will pray for her. Then go tell the priest what is going on and then go and live in that second house without telling your wife anything else except that you are separated and she knows why. Then just go. Write a letter to your children telling them that you really love them and that they have a home in your house whenever they want and that in it they will find the greatest depth and breadth of love. Change your accounts and keep the money in your hands as cash and remember that the person who loves you is your father in heaven and your children.

If your wife loves you she will fight hard for your love, and make her really fight, she has to breakdown first. If she does not then the answer is clear. Say goodbye to that love and begin a new life with God your father and your children.
 
Aaahm, your advice is absolutely awful. Why? Because you are advocating a father walking out on his family and kids, and that is always awful advice. It also reflects no understanding of certain realities adults face, i.e., just go hire a house, as if people have gobs of spare cash laying around in case they need to go hire a house tomorrow! Please think long and hard before posting so called advice which if followed might destroy a family.
 
It’s called separation it’s what the church promotes and it is required for things to not get nasty when the situation has gone to that extent. Children hate divorce, children can understand indefinite separation as long as there is no intent to find another partner or to divorce which must never happen. Once you have children, forget about having sex with anyone except your wife or husband, even if you are separated or divorced. Your children will resent you for it if it ever happened or you found another so called love and will never ever respect you. They will then go and do the same when they grow up unless they are lucky enough to be picked up as vagabonds discarded on the way by their parents By God.
If he does what I say and stays celibate and caring the children will always love him and respect him and will know why he left and understand and respect him for that decision. The wife brought the troubles on herself. If she wants to make things right she needs to save the marriage and show that she means it. If he stays in the house she will continually treat him disrespectfully and drag the whole family down. He needs to get away from her, she is a pigeon that craps in her own nest where her loved ones are.
 
Aaahm28 said:
If I was in your shoes I would simply pack my bags hire another house with space for the kids arrange some movers to get my stuff, walk over to the other guys wife, tell her what is going on and show her the phone records, tell her that you understand what it feels like and that you will pray for her. Then go tell the priest what is going on and then go and live in that second house without telling your wife anything else except that you are separated and she knows why. Then just go. Write a letter to your children telling them that you really love them and that they have a home in your house whenever they want and that in it they will find the greatest depth and breadth of love. Change your accounts and keep the money in your hands as cash and remember that the person who loves you is your father in heaven and your children.

If your wife loves you she will fight hard for your love, and make her really fight, she has to breakdown first. If she does not then the answer is clear. Say goodbye to that love and begin a new life with God your father and your children.
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This is the advice Iwould have given perhaps 15 or 20 years ago when I was younger. But this is a reaction, not a response to fix a marriage.

Essentally he would be handing her the keys to continue and expand on this relationship, and freeing up the friend too, when he tells the wife.

Marriage is sacramental and if his wife is truly religious, she will understand this.

He should not continue to let his wife emotionallly abuse him, nor shoud he retaliate. They need guidance to fix this and it should be adressed transparently with a trained Catholic marriage counselor.

Then If both parties need healing, then the above can be done in a peaceful manner, until they both agree to work on the holiness and sancitity of their marriage. But not as a knee jerk reaction.
 
I still think he should express his concerns to the other mans wife at the very least. She has a right to know. Her husband may have done this before or may have other girlfriends as well. Telling the other wife would also maybe put a stop to his wifes so called friendship. Anytime she tells him he’s not religious enough or she can’t communicate with him he shoud tell her that’s a bogus excuse upfront and challenge her to go to marriage counseling with him. If she won’t then she’s the one not communicating. They should see a priest together as well. I think his wife sounds like she wants to eat her cake and have it too. She wants the excitment and danger of an affair without the consequences and she still wants to keep her husband around. Her husband needs to let her know that’s not acceptable. People will only treat you as bad as you let them and we teach people how they will treate us. Let bad behavior go on and it will only get worse. I learned all that the hard way.
 
Thank you and yes, I checked into it yesterday. They have a session starting here in a few weeks. I plan on signing us up if she agrees.
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You can request separate rooms or a room with 2 beds … there have been couples that have attended a weekend with divorce papers at the ready … just waiting to be signed.

Retrouvaille isn’t magic, but it’s a start … it takes work and so does marriage.

Please know we’re praying for you. :gopray2:
 
I’ve been following the replies and the updates from the OP very closely.
I’m glad he’s going to have a frank talk with her.
She will of course, deny everything. At that point, I would simply say to her "should I go to him and his wife and tell them my fears. or will you stop seeing & speaking to this man and go to counseling with me?
If she says “go ahead, tell them both” then at least they could go to counseling for their marriage and communication issues.
If she panics, then he knows the truth, and he can insist that it stop immediately.
I have a few questions:
By “new church” do you mean a new parish? Is this a Catholic church?
How close are you to the Parish priest? Why have you waited to talk to him, just on your own? I think you should go, even before you talk to your wife. You need strength. We are here will pray for you, but you need someone in the moment as well. And, I assume there are intimate details that you don’t want broadcast here, but your spiritual director/confessor would be able to help you with.
Years ago, when I confronted my late husband, just the fact that the priest was in the room was enough to make my point stick. Hopefully she will agree to go with you, later down the road as well.
Go even by yourself…have a heart to heart with your priest.
Good luck.
 
There is a lot of good advice here to try and get your marriage back on track.

What stands out to me is that your wife has isolated you. And you have allowed it. She didn’t like your friends and family, so you don’t see them any more. Your whole world is bound up in your wife, and she is mistreating you. You need the support of your friends and family now more than ever - I hope you can re-establish those bonds and perhaps make new ones so you don’t feel so alone.

The other key aspect is your children - I didn’t get a feel for their ages, but they don’t seem preschool-age, which means they probably sense that things are off between you. Her ignoring your anniversary card and gift until your child mentioned it is pretty harsh. You sound like a great father - engage with them (as you probably already do) separate from your wife. Spend time with them and focus on them - they will gladden your heart and help you think about other, happier things.

I’m sure there is pain on both sides, but take back some of yourself. Praying for you and your family.
 
agnes_therese said:
Neither is recording your spouse’s phone calls. They need couples counseling. Badly.
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He has every right to know what his own wife is up to. Nothing unethical about that and the spouses both know that and agree to giving themselves fully to each other going into the marriage.
 
Hi everyone, thanks again for the advice. Right now I haven’t had a chance to get alone with her for my “discussion”. The kids are having a sleepover, so it’s pretty poor timing.

I did talk to her a couple of weeks ago about all the phone calls, as I stated earlier, she blew me off with the “just friends”. I recall that I asked her what his wife would think and she said that she wouldn’t care, they have all kinds of friends, male and female. She even told me that it wouldn’t bother her if I had a female friend and we discussed religious things. Would any females care to call my house tomorrow to discuss the Theology of the Body? Ha, that made me a smile a bit. She would absolutely freak out too. I just know it.

This morning I saw new text messages logged in the phone records. The texts occurred while I was sleeping. She didn’t know I was taking a vacation day today, so I am sure she was giving him a heads up that she couldn’t talk today. I could install software on her phone to record the text messages, easily. But I choose not too, because I’m terrified at what I might find.

I think my game plan is to give her two choices: either cut off the relationship and seek marriage counseling with me so that we can fix our marriage or she can leave and move in with her parents. I know she won’t leave and I know she is going to fight me and insist that they are just good friends. Thank God I have the recording.

I feel really sad inside. Such a horrible thing. I’m not a bad person. I know now she was beating me down to justify her behavior. I’ve sacrificed everything for my family and for her. I really appreciate all the advice and prayers from everyone. God bless all of you.
 
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