Emotional affair cheating wife? Need help

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realnamewitheld said:
Hi everyone, thanks again for the advice. Right now I haven’t had a chance to get alone with her for my “discussion”. The kids are having a sleepover, so it’s pretty poor timing.

I did talk to her a couple of weeks ago about all the phone calls, as I stated earlier, she blew me off with the “just friends”. I recall that I asked her what his wife would think and she said that she wouldn’t care, they have all kinds of friends, male and female. She even told me that it wouldn’t bother her if I had a female friend and we discussed religious things. Would any females care to call my house tomorrow to discuss the Theology of the Body? Ha, that made me a smile a bit. She would absolutely freak out too. I just know it.

This morning I saw new text messages logged in the phone records. The texts occurred while I was sleeping. She didn’t know I was taking a vacation day today, so I am sure she was giving him a heads up that she couldn’t talk today. I could install software on her phone to record the text messages, easily. But I choose not too, because I’m terrified at what I might find.

I think my game plan is to give her two choices: either cut off the relationship and seek marriage counseling with me so that we can fix our marriage or she can leave and move in with her parents. I know she won’t leave and I know she is going to fight me and insist that they are just good friends. Thank God I have the recording.

I feel really sad inside. Such a horrible thing. I’m not a bad person. I know now she was beating me down to justify her behavior. I’ve sacrificed everything for my family and for her. I really appreciate all the advice and prayers from everyone. God bless all of you.
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Well, as I read this I’m thinking…if it’s all on the up and up, why does she only text or speak to him on the phone when you’re not around? What, about faith discussion, is such a big secret? Ask her to invite this guy and his wife over for a round table discussion of their favorite religious topic. Tell her you’re willing to learn. Offer to pay for a sitter for the other family.
Yeah. Sounds like she’s become adept at either justifying her feelings and actions, or she’s just good at lying. She’s accustomed to having the upper hand with you. She thinks she can just brush you off with a coy explanation.
You’ve got to see a priest. And take her with you. She how well she can come up with a story in front of him. If you are wrong, he’ll tell you. If she is deceiving you, he’ll school her.
Praying for you.
 
In all this there is one or two more things.

You need to go to reconciliation and prepare yourself very carefully. Both spouses make mistakes you need to confess yours. You are also not perfect.

You also need to go talk to somebody who will just support you and be a friend to you but don’t talk much about the intrigues of your marriage, you need to understand that you have your dignity to rehabilitate.

Don’t be angry with your wife even if you separate as I suggest you do based on her denial response. Don’t think you are better than her. Don’t go firing missiles at her and talking badly about her just report on how things she did made you feel if you need to clarify things to certain discreet family members.

This is why I advocate the separation approach so that things don’t get messy and reconciliation is possible.
 
realnamewitheld said:
I think my game plan is to give her two choices: either cut off the relationship and seek marriage counseling with me so that we can fix our marriage or she can leave and move in with her parents. I know she won’t leave and I know she is going to fight me and insist that they are just good friends. Thank God I have the recording.

I feel really sad inside. Such a horrible thing. I’m not a bad person. I know now she was beating me down to justify her behavior. I’ve sacrificed everything for my family and for her. I really appreciate all the advice and prayers from everyone. God bless all of you.
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OK, so I’ll pretend I’m her: ‘Why are you making such a big deal about this friendship? I should be able to have friends, and you can’t tell me who I can have as a friend! You can go and have friends too. This relationship is no big deal and you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. I don’t see a need for counseling!’

Be prepared for this and have a next move ready to go. Are you really prepared to force her to move out? This may make you look like the ‘bad guy’ to the kids if she does move out. Are they old enough to be able to understand her role in this, and that what she is doing is not OK in a marriage? I have been in your shoes for this very same conversation, except I didn’t make him move out. In my case, I also don’t think that there was a physical affair, but he had certainly switched from me to her for his ‘fun and games’ outlet. He refused to set limits on the relationship, and accused me of being too controlling. In my marriage, his emotional affair was one of several problems, and really was more of a symptom of the deeper issues.

It is very possible that she has already checked out of your marriage emotionally, and that she may not be feeling ‘love’ for you. What happens next I think will depend on how strong her faith is, and what her beliefs about love and marriage are.

I am really sorry that you are going through this; it is awful. I sincerely pray that her faith and beliefs are as strongly Catholic as you think they are, and that she can see that there is a real problem that needs attention.
 
realnamewitheld said:
Hi everyone, thanks again for the advice. Right now I haven’t had a chance to get alone with her for my “discussion”. The kids are having a sleepover, so it’s pretty poor timing.

I did talk to her a couple of weeks ago about all the phone calls, as I stated earlier, she blew me off with the “just friends”. I recall that I asked her what his wife would think and she said that she wouldn’t care, they have all kinds of friends, male and female. She even told me that it wouldn’t bother her if I had a female friend and we discussed religious things. Would any females care to call my house tomorrow to discuss the Theology of the Body? Ha, that made me a smile a bit. She would absolutely freak out too. I just know it.

This morning I saw new text messages logged in the phone records. The texts occurred while I was sleeping. She didn’t know I was taking a vacation day today, so I am sure she was giving him a heads up that she couldn’t talk today. I could install software on her phone to record the text messages, easily. But I choose not too, because I’m terrified at what I might find.

I think my game plan is to give her two choices: either cut off the relationship and seek marriage counseling with me so that we can fix our marriage or she can leave and move in with her parents. I know she won’t leave and I know she is going to fight me and insist that they are just good friends. Thank God I have the recording.

I feel really sad inside. Such a horrible thing. I’m not a bad person. I know now she was beating me down to justify her behavior. I’ve sacrificed everything for my family and for her. I really appreciate all the advice and prayers from everyone. God bless all of you.
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It’s very saddening to say but I think you need more than anything now; prayer, counselling, and COMMUNICATION.

Talk to her, don’t go behind her back; that is stooping to the level of an adulterer who has to sneak around their spouse without them knowing. Confront her as soon as possible and be direct, do not allow her to emotionally manipulate you or lie to your face.

Talk to your priest also, or whoever you go to for spiritual guidance or emotional support. Ask them to pray for your family at this time and explain the seriousness of the situation.

You are about 6 years late in seeking counselling, but thankfully there will always be time and a chance to rebuild your marriage. Do not give her the option to deny counselling; you two are GOING whether or not she deems it necessary. Your marriage is at stake; nothing could be more urgent. Even if she had no relations with this other man, what you are describing would be cause for concern.

What is more, however hurtful it may be you should confront the other family and the man with whom she is involved. Let them know the pain it is causing you and demand that their relationship ends.
 
To the OP, she is going to gaslight you to the hilt. You need to be prepared for this reaction, to recognize it for the wool she’s trying to pull over your eyes, this is the classic reaction of the cheater to being confronted, to deny, deny, deny. You need to push back and be strong enough to keep the pressure on through the conflict she will bring you because you are, perhaps for the first time in a long time, truly setting your foot down and telling her that you feel very disrespected by her behavior around this man.

One thing you need to do is to reclaim your close friends and family, and to take your kids with you as appropriate. Within reason, of course. Your wife can go with you. Or not. Her choice. But she doesn’t get to prevent you from having relationships with your family and close friends. Nor does she get to prevent you from taking the kids to see your family. This is a very classic isolation tactic I have seen play out over and over again, and it rarely goes well for the spouse being isolated.

Finally, your marriage appears to have gone off the tracks six years ago. It would behoove you to figure out what happened then. Perhaps changes need to be made on your part. You can’t changer her, you can only change yourself and do your best to lead her out of the sin she is committing.

You might have to change parishes again in order to get a fresh start, to get her away from that particular temptation. Be prepared to do that, if necessary.
 
I will be confronting her tonight, after the kids go to sleep. I have printed out the phone and text logs and I have the recording ready too. Please pray for me and my family. I need strength and courage for what is about to happen.
 
realnamewitheld said:
I will be confronting her tonight, after the kids go to sleep. I have printed out the phone and text logs and I have the recording ready too. Please pray for me and my family. I need strength and courage for what is about to happen.
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I was in a very similar situation. My instinct was to confront my wife and the other man immediately. I chose, however, to lay low and observe. I did this for three weeks and learned a lot of valuable information (this was the absolute worst three weeks of my life by far). Some of what I did I am sure that some will find objectionable, but I purchased a GPS tracking device that gave me real-time information on where she was. You may find that she is not always going where she says she is, or with who she says she is with.

In my case, I worked with a priest that I thought she would respect, and actually did the confrontation in his presence. I believe that this minimized the possibility of her reacting badly. She agreed to permanently end all contact and enter into marriage counseling. Neither ever happened. A scant two weeks later she went on a ski trip with her sister. I later found out that “you know who” went along with her. So watch out for her to agree, but continue the relationship.
 
I feel for you. Marriage can suck at times but you need to man up and confront this guy. Figure out what you want to say, and do it privately. When you’re done with him, put her on notice. Again, set the terms and be firm. After you remove the distraction, both of you need to get to counseling.

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To the OP –

There is nothing I can do or say, other than to pray for you & your family – so I will do that.
 
Keep your frame. Keep your cool. Stay on topic.
I will pray for your children.
 
I wouldn’t pull out the recording, as someone else said. Especially if there is any possibility that what you hear could mean something else. If you pull out the recording and she says we were talking about so and so, you’re screwed.
 
I would think that if you had a simple tally of the number of text messages per day ( and night) and asked her if it would fine with her to share the quantity of messages with this man’s wife…that would be enough for her to promise to stop and go to counseling. That’s pretty bad. Even if you are working with someone, working on a huge building project for the church, even if you are a ministry head…you don’t text a person of the opposite sex innocently the number of times you have alluded to.
 
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