Emotionally abusive mother in town for 2 weeks

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My mother is in town for 2 weeks. She is not staying with me - yet - I don’t know what her plans are. She is a very negative person. She never says anything positive to me or even neutral such as, “It looks like it might rain today” or “I just watched some TV, what are you doing today?” She always insults and criticises me. I’m very used to her negative attitude, so it doesn’t really bother me any more. This is what DOES bother me:

She lies a lot. About trivial things. Every time in the past year she’s said something to look forward to, I knew in the back of my mind she would take it back. It’s not even changing her mind; it’s about her never intending to follow through with the promise. It can even be something simple like asking if I want to eat rice or noodles and then purposely getting the opposite of what I said. Or she’ll come up with an idea she’ll think I enjoy and then at the last minute say I can’t because of “reason.” But she knew that reason to exist in the first place. Things are unpredictable around her because she doesn’t tell the truth often.

Anyways, lately, as you guys have read in my other thread, I was assaulted. My mother wanted to go to a temple (she’s not Catholic). I do not feel comfortable going to faraway places without my dog right now, I don’t feel safe. Going with her would not make me feel safe at all because she makes me feel highly uncomfortable. She promised I could bring my dog but now she said I can’t bring it. Nothing changed; she just never intended to let me bring my dog. She has done this many times. But I got my hopes up because she sounded sincere at the time (which she always does, but I never learn!) I have told her that I am sick of her lies and that I’m not going to meet up with her during the 2 weeks that she’s in town. I am feeling very upset. I already can’t sleep at night after the assault and having my mother in the mix just makes things worse.

By the way, I can’t tell my mother that I was assaulted. I know as a fact she would blame me. In the past she has read stories about abused women in the paper (not that this was an abusive relationship - it was a one off situation) and she says that maybe they did something to make the guy mad and that’s why they were abused. So she wouldn’t act any nicer to me based on this experience. It’s just going to be a pain these 2 weeks because she’ll most likely manipulate me into meeting up with her so she can say terrible things to me again. Support? Hugs anyone? :’(
 
Well I wouldn’t tell her you were assaulted if that’s how she’s going to react. Why talk about sensitive/upsetting subjects if you know she’s going to make you feel worse?

Normally I would encourage people to work things out with family, but having read your other thread I think you should avoid her at this time. It’s clear that your mental health is very frail at the moment. Your posts sound like how I used to when I was suffering from fairly severe depression/anxiety, and then there’s this abusive mother (whose lifetime of nasty behaviour has probably contributed to your distorted thinking), recent assault and weight issues on top of that too.

So yes, I’d say avoid her as much as possible and keep seeing a therapist.
 
SpidersfromMars said:
So yes, I’d say avoid her as much as possible and keep seeing a therapist.
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Yes, this. Pray for her if you can (and right now, I wouldn’t even push that idea if it bothers you), but stay away from her. She’s toxic to you, and you need barriers.
 
Absolutely hugs and support. Your mom, sad to say, has a pathological personality and you’d be well advised to have some very firm boundaries where she is concerned. Distance is not a bad thing with these folks. 😦

My own mom was a bit like this. In the end, after a particularly rotten lie that affected more than a few people in my life, and in fact went well into the public forum through the newspapers, I could no longer tolerate a relationship with her. I was in tears, but had to tell her that she had broken all trust between us and that because of that, I would find it very difficult to actually have a relationship with her any longer. I didn’t hate her, and I wasn’t even angry with her. If anything, I was devastated, but you cannot have a relationship where there is no trust. I just didn’t feel safe with her anymore. We discussed the situation at length, but she insisted in the lie even when I gave her proof that it was a lie. I asked her to apologize and she refused. She banned my husband from ever entering my home again, and at that point I had to tell her that we were a package deal. She would have to accept all of the family or have none. She chose none. She died 16 years later without ever seeing us again or knowing her four grandchildren.

Aside from my stepfather writing me a letter to let us know that I wasn’t really married and that my four kids were illegitimate, but they forgave us, I rarely heard from them again, and never from my mom, but only my stepfather. (By the way, they were both at the wedding so… :confused: )

Anyway, not giving any advice, just letting you know that you are not the only one out there with the problem. My abuse counselor of 4 years (abusive marriage as well that I left) would tell me to go with my gut instinct. When you’ve been lied to, cheated, and gaslighted into confusion, it is very difficult to know and trust your gut instinct. But try it. If dealing with her now would be too much for you, trust that instinct. If your gut instinct is to protect yourself, then do so for now. Only whatever your decision is, tell her lovingly and with great respect. It might be easier for you to do that in an email rather than by phone because you can control your reaction by email better and have time to think before you “speak”.

Praying for you to have great wisdom and sensitivity in this area while still actually honouring your mother.
 
:hug1:
(((HUGS)))

Writer,
I would like to recommend two books by Cloud/Townshend, that have helped me tremendously. I have a mother with serious personality disorders, and I have a history of attracting abusive friendships. These books helped me understand and protect myself. The two books are:
Boundaries
Safe People

God bless you!
 
Jennie1964 said:
Absolutely hugs and support. Your mom, sad to say, has a pathological personality and you’d be well advised to have some very firm boundaries where she is concerned. Distance is not a bad thing with these folks. 😦

My own mom was a bit like this. In the end, after a particularly rotten lie that affected more than a few people in my life, and in fact went well into the public forum through the newspapers, I could no longer tolerate a relationship with her. I was in tears, but had to tell her that she had broken all trust between us and that because of that, I would find it very difficult to actually have a relationship with her any longer. I didn’t hate her, and I wasn’t even angry with her. If anything, I was devastated, but you cannot have a relationship where there is no trust. I just didn’t feel safe with her anymore. We discussed the situation at length, but she insisted in the lie even when I gave her proof that it was a lie. I asked her to apologize and she refused. She banned my husband from ever entering my home again, and at that point I had to tell her that we were a package deal. She would have to accept all of the family or have none. She chose none. She died 16 years later without ever seeing us again or knowing her four grandchildren.

Aside from my stepfather writing me a letter to let us know that I wasn’t really married and that my four kids were illegitimate, but they forgave us, I rarely heard from them again, and never from my mom, but only my stepfather. (By the way, they were both at the wedding so… :confused: )

Anyway, not giving any advice, just letting you know that you are not the only one out there with the problem. My abuse counselor of 4 years (abusive marriage as well that I left) would tell me to go with my gut instinct. When you’ve been lied to, cheated, and gaslighted into confusion, it is very difficult to know and trust your gut instinct. But try it. If dealing with her now would be too much for you, trust that instinct. If your gut instinct is to protect yourself, then do so for now. Only whatever your decision is, tell her lovingly and with great respect. It might be easier for you to do that in an email rather than by phone because you can control your reaction by email better and have time to think before you “speak”.

Praying for you to have great wisdom and sensitivity in this area while still actually honouring your mother.
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Great post, Jennie.

Writer, I’m in full agreement. Stay away from toxicity. My mother is much like yours, negative, critical, telling me up front that it’s my fault and I deserve it if someone is awful. She has spent decades, since I was young, accusing me of being a liar, and telling people negative things about me.

I personally believe she’s at least borderline mentally ill, possibly as the result of 50 years of a bad marriage. Maybe she wasn’t quite right in the head to begin with, that she’d marry a guy who hit her even while they were dating. I pray for her daily. I wish her peace and that maybe she’d even experience a man truly loving her and treating her well. But I don’t go near her. I’m simply through having someone treat me like the dumping ground for all their venom and anger at the world, not to mention the hateful personal things she says to and about me.
 
My heart goes out to you who are hurt by your mothers. I can’t understand how any mothers would want to hurt their children, young, and as adults.
It upsets me even if I happen to phone at an inconvenient time when they happen to be busy or asleep.

It seems as if these mothers betray your trust and don’t give that unconditional love you should have.

Writer you have cause to be particularly fragile in trust and security and as others have advised, you need to avoid being a mouse in a cat’s paws right now.

I just hope, that without getting exhausted, you can figure respectable but effective ways to keep your distance or to manage to be teflon, and counter her games ahead of her efforts rather than afterwards.

If people feel they are losing their power, they can make supreme efforts to regain it, so I hope you can also stand firm even if she tries to regain her power over you.
It possibly can’t end well even if you block her, if she is incapable of learning and growing.
She will possibly try to punish you, but if she does persecute you, you can’t afford to let her destroy or crush you. She has ‘got away with’ too much already so may not ever change.

In the end, your gift to her is to pray for her soul.
Your gift for yourself is to find wholeness and to live your life as fully as you can.

Warm hug,
Trish
 
Your MIL sounds like a classic case of passive-aggressiveness. It used to be in its own classification as a disorder but is now considered part of a larger personality disorder. Your best bet is to find out how to cope with her behavior. There are probably some good books. What comes to my mind is to be very blunt with her. For instance if she asks you what you want for dinner, simply reply, “Serve whatever you want. You never honored my requests in the past.” I think you are right to distance her as you would distance any other abusive person.
 
Don’t do anything that makes you feel unsafe.

I think the most time I’d give your mom would be lunch or dinner. I don’t think you’re obligated to do that, though, and I think you have to be prepared to leave at any time.

It sounds like being around her much at all would really mess with a person’s sense of reality.

Best wishes!
 
Prayers are going up for you in your difficulties. By all means, protect yourself from anyone who is abusive, including your own mother. Honoring your mother can be done by praying for her spiritual awakening to the love and mercy of Jesus. You are under no obligation to see or even speak with someone who is detrimental to your own wellbeing. Spend time in prayer, go to Mass, receive the sacraments often. At this time in your own life, you need nurturing, go to the Lord, continue with counseling and do whatever you can to stay safe in body, mind and spirit. Sometimes, even though we love others, there is nothing we can do but pray for them. As you already know, your mother’s own personal problems prevent her from being a loving mother. Give her to God, He has the power to handle her. You do not and that’s ok.:hug1:
 
My Mom is the same.

If there is no way to cancel the visit, call the Temple and ask THEM if you can bring the dog. You don’t need to tell her until that day but because of the guilt, you most likely will. I should know, too. :hugs:

Start asking people in authority for information / permission as much as you can. When she replies with “You don’t believe me anyway,” you say, “Mom, I didn’t want to bother you with it.”

You are going to learn to be more declarative,.not inquisitive. To have a healthy relationship, you’ve got to take the reigns. Ask your therapist about the book, “Toxic Parents.” It has exercises in consistent, healthy, boundaries.

Most of all, God bless you on your journey of healing and I’m always available to you via PM.
 
Writer2014 said:
My mother is in town for 2 weeks. She is not staying with me - yet - I don’t know what her plans are. She is a very negative person. She never says anything positive to me or even neutral such as, “It looks like it might rain today” or “I just watched some TV, what are you doing today?” She always insults and criticises me. I’m very used to her negative attitude, so it doesn’t really bother me any more. This is what DOES bother me:

She lies a lot. About trivial things. Every time in the past year she’s said something to look forward to, I knew in the back of my mind she would take it back. It’s not even changing her mind; it’s about her never intending to follow through with the promise. It can even be something simple like asking if I want to eat rice or noodles and then purposely getting the opposite of what I said. Or she’ll come up with an idea she’ll think I enjoy and then at the last minute say I can’t because of “reason.” But she knew that reason to exist in the first place. Things are unpredictable around her because she doesn’t tell the truth often.

Anyways, lately, as you guys have read in my other thread, I was assaulted. My mother wanted to go to a temple (she’s not Catholic). I do not feel comfortable going to faraway places without my dog right now, I don’t feel safe. Going with her would not make me feel safe at all because she makes me feel highly uncomfortable. She promised I could bring my dog but now she said I can’t bring it. Nothing changed; she just never intended to let me bring my dog. She has done this many times. But I got my hopes up because she sounded sincere at the time (which she always does, but I never learn!) I have told her that I am sick of her lies and that I’m not going to meet up with her during the 2 weeks that she’s in town. I am feeling very upset. I already can’t sleep at night after the assault and having my mother in the mix just makes things worse.

By the way, I can’t tell my mother that I was assaulted. I know as a fact she would blame me. In the past she has read stories about abused women in the paper (not that this was an abusive relationship - it was a one off situation) and she says that maybe they did something to make the guy mad and that’s why they were abused. So she wouldn’t act any nicer to me based on this experience. It’s just going to be a pain these 2 weeks because she’ll most likely manipulate me into meeting up with her so she can say terrible things to me again. Support? Hugs anyone? :’(
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:hug1: :console: :hug3: :grouphug: :gopray: :signofcross: :gopray2: :crossrc:
 
Used2beSherryG said:
Prayers are going up for you in your difficulties. By all means, protect yourself from anyone who is abusive, including your own mother. Honoring your mother can be done by praying for her spiritual awakening to the love and mercy of Jesus. You are under no obligation to see or even speak with someone who is detrimental to your own wellbeing. Spend time in prayer, go to Mass, receive the sacraments often. At this time in your own life, you need nurturing, go to the Lord, continue with counseling and do whatever you can to stay safe in body, mind and spirit. Sometimes, even though we love others, there is nothing we can do but pray for them. As you already know, your mother’s own personal problems prevent her from being a loving mother. Give her to God, He has the power to handle her. You do not and that’s ok.:hug1:
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Yes OP, as a Catholic you can remember that even when your earthly parents aren’t so great, your heavenly ones shall never fail you 🙂
 
I would call her out on it. When she says something “Do you really mean that?” She’ll feign offense, say “Of course I do”

And then when it’s obvious that she didn’t “so you lied, you didn’t mean it”.

If anything being that blunt with her about her own behavior maybe she’ll start to avoid you.
 
Writer:

This is easier said than done: But stick to your “guns” and refuse to go with her anywhere. Sadly, you may need to eventually cut off all relations with your mother. Her issues are something you can’t fix, but you can work on your own difficulties, like dealing with your assault.

I know of a person who lies all the time. She can tell you something to your face that you and she both know is not true and still she will lie. It is a pathological condition I swear and it is part of how she tries to control things and people around her. About the only way to stop it is to immediately say: “You know that is not what happened, or not true.” Otherwise you almost have to nod your head, take what she says with a grain of salt and move on. They never seem to change.

Start doing what is best for you, and if you have to cut ties with your mother than do it. Refuse to be her victim anymore. And yes it is hard and painful, but in the end you will be healthier and happier. I know. Been in a situation that is similar and the only way I was able to free myself totally was to leave the “perpetrators” outside of my life.
 
Establish and protect your boundaries. Hold her to her word, but don’t confront her. (It will only make things worse. If she brings up the Temple, tell her it is you AND your dog, as she promised, or you won’t go. Period. Don’t argue with her. State your position and walk away.

“You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to!”

A therapist once told me, " You know your Mom is going to do this. You need to expect it." She would ask me, "How often would you predict she will do this during your visit? I would state a number. Her response, “Then expect that and don’t let it get to you unless she exceeds that number.” It sounds a bit simplistic, but it helped me to realize this is a part of her as much as her eye color or height.

I would still agree with others that you should avoid her as much as possible. If you must be with her, have a third party there. not being alone with her could help.
 
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