Emotionally disturbed brother - Need advice!

[topsaulez]

Thanks for responding directly to me and some validation for my own family issues. I find that sharing our own experiences helps us to understand what others are going through. This might prompt a “oh, this happened to me, too”. And sure, I feel deep disappointment that my family is not going to church together and having Sunday lunches for the whole family like my godmother and husband were doing for years.

The similarities between your family and mine are 1) the immigrant experience (although my grandparents came over from Europe) where there is a disjunct between what is perceived that everyone is doing and not being able to fit in. I say perception because we really do not know behind the scene how those good churchgoers are behaving at home and if America is really what is portrayed in films or TV.
2) Metabolic issues, you said your father was similar to your brother or vice versa. Not being able to process carbohydrate are at the basis of many mental states. There is a hop, skip and a jump to alcoholism and drugs. I suspect substance abuse when people are off the rails like what you mentioned “screaming on the streets”.
3) Please DO NOT apologize or feel guilty because you moved away from them. As with me, it may have been your ONLY ticket to mental health. I realize that a large portion of my family’s hatred for me is rooted in their frustration that they did not get away. Yes, I do have the benefit of objectivity (well, not completely) because of the distance of time and space. I didn’t use this yardstick to beat them but thought if I tell them our mother has a personality disorder and we should help one another, they would say “eureka, let’s do it”. Instead, they hated me even more so, and one of them attends regular Sunday Mass, sends his kids to Catholic school and everything else.

Getting back to substance issues, it is amazing how protective and ingenious addicts can be. I have problems with my younger son who got into a wrong crowd. He still has problems after 10 years of graduating high school, “finding himself” although he works, thank goodness. However, I get the impression that he is trying to reconcile a rather anarchic style of existence (taste in horrible music as well) with being an upright and productive member of society.

He wants to have both worlds but unless he is Mick Jagger, this won’t happen and I mean it in the sense of making a fortune but not personal happiness. One the persons who has prayed for him, asked that God would break the teeth of those who are telling him lies. I think I may have gotten his attention apart from the insults of last year but I don’t know if he is putting on an act to get more money out of us. Do you get my drift?

This is the fine line between enabling and letting go enough for the trouble person to find his own way. And unfortunately, if their own lifestyles do not cause them enough pain, they will not give them up. Like the valve on a pressure cooker, they will blame you and what happened to them years ago in order not to take responsibility for anything.

Zam: Thanks for the sharing. I do see the similarities in our situations. You do seem to have a bigger family and I am sorry to hear what has happened to your son too. My younger brother is also like that when it comes to money - he wants to spend other people’s money but not his. He does seem to have a genuine fear of being “poor” because of our family history and father. Without faith, friends and family, money is his only security. My older brother also has moved away to overseas and hasn’t been back for many years. He too believes that he needed to stay away from the family situation. And I also understand what you meant by how some people might look perfect on the outside but they actually are not doing as well otherwise. Over the years I’ve learned that things and people are not always what they seem to be. But despite all these, I hope you will keep up with your Faith, as what we believe in is the risen Lord not other people.

 

[topsaulez]

Also, you might want to check out NAMI, a national group that supports and helps the Mentally ill and their families. They could provide support and resources for you. Don’t go it alone.

Thank you for the tip Jaime!

 

[zamyrabyrd]

Zam: Thanks for the sharing. I do see the similarities in our situations. You do seem to have a bigger family and I am sorry to hear what has happened to your son too. My younger brother is also like that when it comes to money - he wants to spend other people’s money but not his. He does seem to have a genuine fear of being “poor” because of our family history and father. Without faith, friends and family, money is his only security. My older brother also has moved away to overseas and hasn’t been back for many years. He too believes that he needed to stay away from the family situation. And I also understand what you meant by how some people might look perfect on the outside but they actually are not doing as well otherwise. Over the years I’ve learned that things and people are not always what they seem to be. But despite all these, I hope you will keep up with your Faith, as what we believe in is the risen Lord not other people.

Money as a substitute for social security (not the government kind but a clever catch phrase!) is so true, yet so pathetic. My parents are the 1st generation in the US of immigrants who went through the depression experience. I found that cross culturally, in other words, those who came from different countries, not only where my grandparents came from, there are profound similarities in this lost generation. They are misfits in the new one, uncertain as how to behave and take values from film and more recently TV as behavioral templates. They see the rich as happy so devoutly pursue that as a religion. Of course, it gives no real satisfaction so they think the answer is more money and so on in an increasing desperate downward spiral.

Those who really want to believe this “religion” and prove it false over and over again in their own lives, are very spiritually undernourished to the point that it becomes difficult to impossible to even have a common language. They have all the empty bromides and slogans of the pop culture and what is even worse their behavior is condoned and supported by the same. What I am saying is having integrity doesn’t mean much any more as a social value. Just look and see what sells in this world - glitter and sleaze!

This is the cognitive dissonance for those coming from abroad with different values based on family. “Grab as much as you can, dump your elderly parents and unborn children!” The point is when this so-called philosophy comes back at them like a boomerang (which I am expecting with my own family). It’s only a matter of time before the children act in the same way they saw their parents as doing, and I warned them of that. It’s a pity that people have to learn the hard way, but hopefully they can stop themselves before the gates of hell.

 

[jaimeleglise]

Also, you might want to check out NAMI, a national group that supports and helps the Mentally ill and their families. They could provide support and resources for you. Don’t go it alone.

You’re welcome. I will pray for you and your family.Also, you could have Masses said “for a special intention”.