Engaged and Cheated on -- what to do?

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This helps. You are both EXTREMELY young. I know plenty on these boards married at your age or even earlier, but this incident is a sign that at least one of you lacks the maturity, judgment and self control to enter into a life time commitment now. So what’s the rush…I would give this some time.

I have no doubt this incident was out of character, a terrible mistake or that your young man feels sincere remorse and probably learned a valuable lesson. But giving the relationship and him some time is not fatal to your plans for a life together. It is a very reasonable non-punitive middle ground that gives everyone time to take a deep breath and assess what they really want and need to do before taking on vows.
 
Sina said:
I don’t mean any offence at all and I could be very wrong, but are you sure you are the bride and not the groom? The very same situation was posted on Catholic Answers Forum from the grooms perspective awhile back…

Just sounds to me like you are the same person just looking for responses from the brides perspective.

I am very sorry if I have this wrong… it just sounds too much like a coincidence of a story. And if it is the same story, strange coincidence that both bride and groom post on CAF…🤷
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Sina,

I was thinking the same thing when I read this post and was able to find the other thread from the her finace as well. I was not sure if it should be posted or not?

An585,

You need to take a step back and really look at this relationship, you need to look at yorur future with this man. It can be difficult to forgive, but you definitely can do that, but can you forget? What happens when you are married and he has another business trip? Or receives a strange business call? Sorry to hear that you are going through this.
 
An585 said:
I am 22 and my fiance is 23. We’ve both dated other people. We’ve been engaged for almost 1 year. We’ve known each other for 3 years. I know his friends and family well. All would be (and those who know about are) shocked by this. No one would think of him as the type of guy to do something like this. Even my parents felt that this was very out of character for him. It’s very out of line for the people who know him.
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An585,

I differ in opinion with most posters here. Many people at that age could easily make similar mistakes. If you can find it in your heart to forgive and move on you can enjoy a very loving marriage.

I disagree VERY strongly with the poster who stated that they could never have that man touch them again. Many marriages survive and actually thrive after an affair (I know, mine has).

Through the grace of God we are able to forgive. Once you can forgive, it is possible to love and trust again. Love and trust are choices we make, not feelings we react to.

It sounds like you both are working at repairing your relationship. Keep at it awhile. If the wedding is around the corner, postpone it. Don’t toss the baby with the bathwater. There is a reason you said yes to marrying this man. Give it some time.

My prayers are with you both.
 
There’s a big difference between working through an affair in a marriage and in an engagement. You are not bound to this man yet. You do not have an obligation to him. If you were already married to him, my advice would be different. But you aren’t and you shouldn’t act like you are. The engagement was to give you time to get to know each other more closely and to discern if you should marry. What he’s showing you is not the basis for a marriage.
 
One last observation from me… Whichever way you decide, may I encourage you to be really careful with whom you speak about situations like this. Desiring (name removed by moderator)ut and suggestions is great, but talking to people who know both of you (other than family and priest) creates a hurdle to be overcome in the future, in case you decide to stay together. My wife and I knew a woman a few years ago, for instance, who re-told the experience of her husband’s infidelity constantly to friends. It’s no wonder that often the poor guy (who was trying to turn his life around for her) looked more like a kicked dog sometimes than a valued husband. Sharing intimate details with the wrong people can also be a way of “getting back” at the other partner, dragging them over the coals. In other words, if you decide to stay with him, you really do need to forgive and (try to) forget.

Last, but not least, the prior post really sums it up well for me. Remember that you are not obligated to make it work.
 
iamrefreshed said:
An585,

I differ in opinion with most posters here. Many people at that age could easily make similar mistakes. If you can find it in your heart to forgive and move on you can enjoy a very loving marriage.

I disagree VERY strongly with the poster who stated that they could never have that man touch them again. Many marriages survive and actually thrive after an affair (I know, mine has).

Through the grace of God we are able to forgive. Once you can forgive, it is possible to love and trust again. Love and trust are choices we make, not feelings we react to.

It sounds like you both are working at repairing your relationship. Keep at it awhile. If the wedding is around the corner, postpone it. Don’t toss the baby with the bathwater. There is a reason you said yes to marrying this man. Give it some time.
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You are mixing a marriage vow with an engagement promise.

Your situation is different because you were married. The poster is not. She is in the discernment phase. And perhaps he really is not the man she thinks she knows.

I am boggled why someone would commit to another person who has already proven his immaturity and lack of judgement.
In time, maybe - a weak maybe.

Honestly - there is a big difference.
 
Writer said:
One last observation from me… Whichever way you decide, may I encourage you to be really careful with whom you speak about situations like this. Desiring (name removed by moderator)ut and suggestions is great, but talking to people who know both of you (other than family and priest) creates a hurdle to be overcome in the future, in case you decide to stay together. My wife and I knew a woman a few years ago, for instance, who re-told the experience of her husband’s infidelity constantly to friends. It’s no wonder that often the poor guy (who was trying to turn his life around for her) looked more like a kicked dog sometimes than a valued husband. Sharing intimate details with the wrong people can also be a way of “getting back” at the other partner, dragging them over the coals. In other words, if you decide to stay with him, you really do need to forgive and (try to) forget.

Last, but not least, the prior post really sums it up well for me. Remember that you are not obligated to make it work.
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AMEN. Remember, people can never un-know something. Your Priest and a tharapist are the only folks who can step away. Every friend and family member, if they know this, will have this in the back of their mind forever.

Be very careful to whom you reveal the details.
 
I know that there is a big difference between the commitment of marriage and an engagement. That being said, when I agreed to marry this person it was with the intent of marrying him. I know that what he did might be grounds for calling the whole thing off. I just also feel that it might be possible for me to forgive him. I know that he is not that kind of person. He did a horrible, horrible thing. I know that he hates himself for what he did. Even if I choose to forgive him, I don’t know that he will ever be able to forgive himself. I think it’s good to draw parallels between marriages that survive after affairs because the hardest part for me is figuring out whether or not I can look at him the same, love him the same, be intimate with him, etc…

I also consider that this might make us stronger as a married couple. If we survive this and it’s the hardest thing we ever go through together, I might even consider us lucky.
 
Are you asking for advice on how to make it work, then? If that’s what you are asking, I say to put the engagement on hold and get the both of you into counseling for at least 6 months before making any decisions.
 
Is he going to continue to work with this woman? That strikes me as a BAD idea.
 
So this was a TOTAL stranger? Not even a friend, with whom he might have had some type of rapport or bond?

I’m sorry, but that makes this worse. There wasn’t even an attachment that got out of hand here. He was willing to risk his health, your health, and both of your futures for a booze-driven one night stand with someone about whom he knows NOTHING. Not if her last boyfriend gave her a disease, not if she is an IV drug user risking AIDS, not if she is married and he could be helping destroy another family!

I am sure he does hate himself. Do you know every drug, sex, and alcohol addict in the world hates themselves and is even shocked by some of the behavior they engage in? And then the drive that took them there in the first place makes them do it again, and then they hate themselves. You keep saying he is remorseful and hates himself over it. That doesn’t really mean he won’t do it again.

I am not saying he must be any kind of addict. Though I reiterate my comments about his addictive behavior in the use of alcohol that night. He is very young, and could be on the road that leads to a full-blown addiction. This kind of thing is how it starts. Most people are stupid when they are young… I know I made a few poor alcohol-related choices in college. But, when I consented to marry, it was time for all that to be over. Because I was becoming a grown up, and it was time to act like one and take on those responsibilities. That is where your fiance’s train has jumped the track. He wants to be married and be seen as a grown up, but he is not acting like one.

He chose to drink too much. We all know when we hit that point and say, you know, I should stop now. He didn’t. He chose to flirt. That right there is a boundary violation, and he chose to do it before he was snockered if it was going on all night. He chose to go up to her hotel room. Another major and obvious boundary violation. He chose to touch her, he chose to do everything else he did to her body and that she did to his. He has free will, and he used it to violate his promises to you.

I guess I am just too harsh. With me, there are no second chances after that. There wouldn’t be in my marriage, either. We are married forever (well, til death), of course, and that is what I intended when I said my vows. I would stick to that. But I am not required to live with my husband in the same house if I am being mistreated. And that is mistreated.

I am going to tell you the same thing I tell my kids: What we do is who we are.
 
I don’t necessarily think that her being a stranger makes it worse. When I read what her job is, I was speculating that she might have a track record with doing this sort of a thing. Not saying it is an excuse…but your fiance might have been led into it by someone who knew exactly what she was doing. That doesn’t relieve him of his responsibility, but to me makes it a little more understandable.

I still would urge you to not rush into a decision and to get some counseling.
 
Hi ana–i actually gave advice to your fiance.

I told him too, that he shouldn’t be surprised if you wanted to postpone the wedding, which frankly, I think you should do. I think that it is most admirable that he came to you, and was honest…then went to confession. He feels very badly, having hurt you, and hurting himself in the process. I think postponing would be a good idea. Invitations didn’t go out yet, etc…so, no one needs to know all the details. Just you and your family know.

I will keep you both in my prayers.
 
An585 said:
Our wedding is supposed to be in June. Our pre-cana retreat is scheduled in March.
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And this provides you enough time to evaluate the situation?
And he is cheating on you soon before the wedding?

Look, someone needs to be blunt. You came here seeking opinions. Currently, he lacks the character of a Catholic husband.
You can rationalize any behavior - he is a good person, he feels horrible. But these are not reasons to marry someone right now.

Fact is - he did not make a mistake - this was not a mistake. It was a series of actions that took place over an evening. He did not have intercourse because he could not - NOT because he chose NOT to.

It should be of big concern to enter into marriage in a few months from now with this situation over your heads. For those of us that have been married - we speak with the wisdom years of marriage brings.

It is hard daily work. Better to start a marriage without baggage and grow strong together -then have a situation like this force you into uncertainty.
 
duskyjewel said:
So this was a TOTAL stranger? Not even a friend, with whom he might have had some type of rapport or bond?

I’m sorry, but that makes this worse. There wasn’t even an attachment that got out of hand here. He was willing to risk his health, your health, and both of your futures for a booze-driven one night stand with someone about whom he knows NOTHING. Not if her last boyfriend gave her a disease, not if she is an IV drug user risking AIDS, not if she is married and he could be helping destroy another family!

.
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My thoughts as well. This does add another demention.
 
jrabs said:
You are mixing a marriage vow with an engagement promise.

Your situation is different because you were married. The poster is not. She is in the discernment phase. And perhaps he really is not the man she thinks she knows.

I am boggled why someone would commit to another person who has already proven his immaturity and lack of judgement.
In time, maybe - a weak maybe.

Honestly - there is a big difference.
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I understand the differences. However, I’m just recommending considering all her alternatives. Don’t rush into ANY one decision too quickly. She should be no quicker to forgive him as she would be to dump him.

She has after all invested a good deal of herself to this man. I think that postponement should her first order. Then discernment.
 
An585 said:
I think that this act was very out of character for him.
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Character is the question, and sparky doesn’t have much from where I stand.

Actions are the key to anyone’s character; they speak much louder than words. After all, we are what we do. And alcohol may loosen inhibitions, but it doesn’t negate the ability to understand a situation and make a choice. You’re giving way too much wiggle room to the fact that he was drunk. Alcohol doesn’t obliterate the ability to think and choose.

A man of character and strength chooses his values and lives his life consistent with those values. He doesn’t chuck them aside for any reason. Your fiance’ doesn’t fit that description. Sorry.

You and your future children deserve a strong man of character and virtue, someone you can absolutely trust in tough times. You owe that to those children. You’ve just found out that you can’t trust this guy in the good times. And you’re still willing to stake your future and your children’s (those to come) future on him?

You sound like someone in stages of grief, anger and denial. I admire your desire to love and forgive, but I don’t think you are thinking straight. They say a person only has one chance to make a first impression. Well, he’s shown his stripes. There’s an old saying that a second marriage is the triumph of hope over reason. Again, do you want to base your future and your future children’s future on a hope?

An earlier poster expressed a thought that marriage can survive an affair. That with work, things can be put back together. Well, if you choose to go through with this marriage you’re going to get a chance to discover that, once, or twice, or more.

Women love nuance, shades of grey, benefit of the doubt, etc. etc. etc. Well, some things in life are black and white, either/or.
This is one of them.

Just a guys point of view.

Good luck
 
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