Engaged and Cheated on -- what to do?

[olivemoeono]

Hi,

This is my first time using this site, but I wasn’t sure where to turn. I am in serious need of advice. I’ve been engaged now for almost one year. I found out a few weeks ago that my fiance cheated on me while he was away at training for work. He met this woman while out for dinner with some other work people. They flirted over the course of the evening, and he conveniently forgot to mention me to her. Heavy drinking took place throughout the night. Apparently there was an open bar at dinner, and after dinner his group went out to a bar. After the bar, my fiance went to this woman’s room. He claims that his intention was to continue a conversation they were having. She made a move and the situation spiraled downward from there. They didn’t have sex because my fiance was unable to physically. They did, however, do plenty of other disgusting things.

At first, my fiance told me that he had made out with someone else. Naturally my heart was broken, but I could understand how too much alcohol could lead to that decision. As time went on he began to spill more and more of the story.

I should give you more background about my fiance. He and I are both Catholic. We have struggled with chastity in the past, but our goal has always been to abstain. We have made a lot of progress over the course of our engagement. My fiance is very religious and has always struggled to forgive himself for sins, mistakes, etc. He’s very hard on himself. He’s also very loving, and I do believe a very good person.

I think that this act was very out of character for him. I don’t think he would ever, in a sober state of mind, do something like this. I also don’t think it would ever happen again. That being said, I don’t know that I will ever be able to let it go. I want to erase it from my mind. The thoughts are more than I can take. I’m scared that I won’t be able to look at him the same.

What is the right thing to do? If I think that deep down this isn’t who he is, should I forgive him? Is this something that he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven for? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Sorry if this is very scatterbrained.

Hi,
Forgiveness should I or shouldn’t I? Can I forgive him and move on with him or without him? I can only assume that you love this man a whole lot in order for you to even be considering what is right for you and whether or not you should stay or go.The fact that your asking yourself questions like “I don’t know if I will ever be able to let go”(of what he did?) and wondering whether you will be able to look at him the same way tells me that regardless of what he has done your love is still strong for him(Hope I’m making sense) and part of you is desperately tryng to find a way to work things out without you feeling like an absolute Fool if you decide to stay with him.(If your love wasn’t strong for him then you probably would have said your goodbyes and called it quits after he told you the whole truth )If you decide to forgive him and stay with him despite what he has done(Drunkeness,Been Tempted,naked with another & then withheld parts of the whole truth for a while out of fear of losing you)then you should be prepared for the hard work in front of you of trying to get over it which might never happen and try to let go of what he did and work as one to get your relationship back on track.It may take wks,even years,the rest of your life even, but if you feel in your heart that you would rather be with him despite what he’s done and with all his flaws now and in the future and you still want to marry him then I think you know the answer.Just know you would not be a fool if you decide to stay in the relationship .
Only you know his characteristics and what he’s really like,You heard the saying 'Once a cheater always a cheater" well I used to believe in that but now I believe that is not always the caseEverybody is unique.Everybody deserves a second chance ,if yous both want the same thing,if love is there it will overcome the trials and tribulations of life.When trust is gone hold on to hope and love and eventually through time (if you Guys really want to experience life together and with no other)trust will be restored eventually.
On the other hand if you can’t or are not willing to bring yourself to forgive him let alone forget and can always see yourself envisioning him with another no matter how hard you try not too,and you feel bitter and resentful everytime you think of how this all came about even after you’ve had time on your own to think things through and you keep doubting his love for you and start scrutinising every little detail of your relationship and donot believe in him despite whatever he does to try and show you that You are still the Only one for him then I also think you know the answer to that.Perhaps he’s not worthy of your time after all.
I don’t think a long term relationship let alone a marriage will last very long unless both(The one that did the hurting and the one that got hurt) are willing to put the hard yards in to make it work and last a lifetime.
Everybody deserves forgiveness nobody is excluded no matter how much wrongdoing they’ve done.Well that’s my personal opinion,your fiance should also find a way to forgive himself especially if you decide to forgive him because if he cannot and you two decide to carry on together it’s most likely he will always be consumed with guilt and anger at himself for what he done to you and your relationship wouldn’t be able to grow and move forward because he hasn’t let go(Once again I hope I’m making sense,sorry if I’m not).
I wish you the best in your situation and hope you will find the answers that you seek.
God Bless and Good Luck to both of you whether you continue with your fiance or not the road will be hard and tough but in the end the clouds will part and the sun will shine,so whichever path you choose you will be alright.

 

[GerlyOne]

Gosh, this post is a year old and I hope/pray you haven’t married him…

If you have, I hope things are well…so far. If you haven’t…good for you!