Engaged Encounter Retreat & lack of marriage prep?!?

[kind_bean]

My husband and I got married in the summer of 2003. We met a few times with our Church’s Deacon. The first visit was basically getting our information and our certificates (baptism, etc). The next we took a test, and the visit after that we got our results from the test (if we scored the different than one another in a particular area, then he would talk to us about it). It included topics like finances, parenting, etc.

We were told to go to a EE retreat, unfortunately it was to be held the weekend of our wedding, so we couldn’t go and no fuss was ever made about it. NFP may have been briefly mentioned, but to be honest I don’t even remember anymore. We had already decided that that was what we were going to do, anyway, although I would have liked a longer (if any??) talk on the matter and some local numbers to call to learn more about it. I relied on books to learn.

The last visit was us going over what readings, songs, etc we picked out for the ceremony. And that was it. I remember feeling somewhat let down, hoping that there would have been more to it, and but also being relieved because in a way, I wouldn’t have wanted to do more at the time.

 

[sydney28]

Our marriage prep in general was kind of abbreviated and brushed over, which I VERY much regret, and in restrospect feel that I probably would not have gone through with our wedding had we gone through more thorough preparation.

Our engaged encounter weekend was awful - very similar to some of the others mentioned here - extrEEEEEmely watered down, no focus on the real issues, hardly any mention of the importance of spirituality in marriage, a 10 minute overview of NFP - but no mention of how it is the only approved method of birth control, only one talk by a priest - which was actually VERY good, but he was only there for that one talk, and then gone the rest of the weekend. At the closing Mass they asked if anyone wanted to read their “love letter” that they had written to their spouse, and this one girl volunteered and read something about how she loves “waking up to him every morning” - present tense. Ugh.

We did the FOCUS questionaire as well, and I was appalled by our answers - we didn’t agree on half of the issues - but the army chaplain who went over it with us praised us and said it was one of the “best he had ever seen!”. huh?? He chatted with us for about 10 minutes, and then that was it. That was the extent of our marriage prep. Crummy EE weekend and 10 minutes with army chaplain who was impressed by our ridiculously out of whack FOCUS questionaire results. blah.

 

[LittleDeb]

Our marriage prep in general was kind of abbreviated and brushed over, which I VERY much regret, and in restrospect feel that I probably would not have gone through with our wedding had we gone through more thorough preparation.

Our engaged encounter weekend was awful - very similar to some of the others mentioned here - extrEEEEEmely watered down, no focus on the real issues, hardly any mention of the importance of spirituality in marriage, a 10 minute overview of NFP - but no mention of how it is the only approved method of birth control, only one talk by a priest - which was actually VERY good, but he was only there for that one talk, and then gone the rest of the weekend. At the closing Mass they asked if anyone wanted to read their “love letter” that they had written to their spouse, and this one girl volunteered and read something about how she loves “waking up to him every morning” - present tense. Ugh.

We did the FOCUS questionaire as well, and I was appalled by our answers - we didn’t agree on half of the issues - but the army chaplain who went over it with us praised us and said it was one of the “best he had ever seen!”. huh?? He chatted with us for about 10 minutes, and then that was it. That was the extent of our marriage prep. Crummy EE weekend and 10 minutes with army chaplain who was impressed by our ridiculously out of whack FOCUS questionaire results. blah.

Oh wow. I am so sorry. I hope that you have been able to overcome the bad prep and make a better future.

That “waking up to him every morning” is the summation of the train-wreck that is the state of a lot of marriage prep programs.

Our local EE group decided to no longer have an individual NFP talk and folded it back into the family talk. They didn’t want it to get emphasized. They were getting comments that anti-contraception was “too political.” I don’t know that it was THE deciding factor, but it was sad nonetheless.

 

[sacredcello]

Our local EE group decided to no longer have an individual NFP talk and folded it back into the family talk. They didn’t want it to get emphasized. They were getting comments that anti-contraception was “too political.” I don’t know that it was THE deciding factor, but it was sad nonetheless.

I am curious what you mean by the family talk. Does this mean that NFP was mentioned during your EE, but in the context of a larger topic?

 

[LittleDeb]

I am curious what you mean by the family talk. Does this mean that NFP was mentioned during your EE, but in the context of a larger topic?

Yes. Until we started giving a talk promoting NFP locally it was sometimes mentioned within the context of the family talk. Since many couples hadn’t used it, it would tend to get ignored.

Supposedly EE nationals has made mention of NFP mandatory now. I have no idea what it means, only that we got a call saying that they were folding it back into the family talk. I think that since more of the couples who present have learned it they can speak on it. Even a couple who has just chosen to wing it has oftentimes at least taken a class in NFP and can speak knowledgeably about it… At least that is our hope.

 

[sacredcello]

Yes. Until we started giving a talk promoting NFP locally it was sometimes mentioned within the context of the family talk. Since many couples hadn’t used it, it would tend to get ignored.

Supposedly EE nationals has made mention of NFP mandatory now. I have no idea what it means, only that we got a call saying that they were folding it back into the family talk. I think that since more of the couples who present have learned it they can speak on it. Even a couple who has just chosen to wing it has oftentimes at least taken a class in NFP and can speak knowledgeably about it… At least that is our hope.

I am awaiting our EE weekend with some eagerness. I can hardly wait to find out what resources they are going to recommend. Will they tell us about the CCL Home Study course?

Since there are no NFP teachers in our parish and in the 3 hour marriage info session that we attended, there was no mention of NFP classes being required or even offered, I am feeling a strong call to learn more about it and become a teaching couple.

Though, I certainly hope they will good overview of it at our EE.

 

[ChristinaM]

NFP instruction was not required in our diocese. I found my Billings instructor through a small blurb in our bulletin. She also came and gave a brief talk at our Pre-Cana weekend. I wrote about my Pre-Cana in a previous thread. It was much like many of the previous posters’ - pretty watered down. Although, if anyone was cohabiting, they were at least discreet about that fact!

I have been studying NFP and my fiance has agreed to practice it once we are married. But, from what I gather, we are in a very small minority. I plan to become a teacher once we have gained some experience with it. If there aren’t enough couples teaching, then what are the priests supposed to do?

Why not offer to teach in your parish if you aren’t already?

I am hoping to become a Billings instructor at some point, once I have more experience. There is a real need for NFP teachers. It would be so wonderful if there was an instructor in every parish.

sacredcello - I believe if you go to www.woomb.org there is a link for online instruction for the Billings method. Good luck!

 

[LittleDeb]

I am awaiting our EE weekend with some eagerness. I can hardly wait to find out what resources they are going to recommend. Will they tell us about the CCL Home Study course?

I hope they do tell you about it. I pray that they do!

If they don’t, please let me know. We use the STM (Sympto-Thermal Method) that is taught through the home study course. We learned ours through a class, though. I’m hearing good things about the online resources available to the home study students.

The one thing I would caution any new user of NFP is not to get bogged down in the method. Look at the different methods and decide what is best for you. At the heart of NFP is understanding your fertility. That is a great thing to know going into marriage. If you struggle with the method, you may struggle with the call to NFP within your marriage.

ChristinaM and sacredcello, both of you, I cannot tell you how much it has warmed my heart that you are considering becoming teachers. If we can saturate our surroundings with a culture of life, great things can happen. Marriage prep would be so enriched if classes were available to all couples entering marriage.

 

[ChristinaM]

The one thing I would caution any new user of NFP is not to get bogged down in the method. Look at the different methods and decide what is best for you. At the heart of NFP is understanding your fertility. That is a great thing to know going into marriage. If you struggle with the method, you may struggle with the call to NFP within your marriage.

I agree completely! All women are individuals. A method that works well for one may not work well for another. All NFP methods are based on the woman knowing and charting her own signs of fertility. They are not the old “rhythm method.”

The important thing is for you to find the method that you are comfortable with and that you will stick to.

 

[sacredcello]

I hope they do tell you about it. I pray that they do!

If they don’t, please let me know. We use the STM (Sympto-Thermal Method) that is taught through the home study course. We learned ours through a class, though. I’m hearing good things about the online resources available to the home study students.

The one thing I would caution any new user of NFP is not to get bogged down in the method. Look at the different methods and decide what is best for you. At the heart of NFP is understanding your fertility. That is a great thing to know going into marriage. If you struggle with the method, you may struggle with the call to NFP within your marriage.

ChristinaM and sacredcello, both of you, I cannot tell you how much it has warmed my heart that you are considering becoming teachers. If we can saturate our surroundings with a culture of life, great things can happen. Marriage prep would be so enriched if classes were available to all couples entering marriage.

Thanks for the encouragement!

I wish all couples knew about God’s graces that would flow to them in their marriages, if they trusted in Him. I learned this the hard way, in my previous marriage which was annulled. We learned nothing about NFP, as there was no pre-Cana or EE for us, because we were already legally married in a civil ceremony first. I was going through RCIA at that time, and didn’t learn about NFP there.

Well, the least I can do is try to help other couples not to make the mistakes I did. That is, if our pastor will consider allowing NFP classes to be part of marriage formation at our parish. The place where I am living is very liberal, so I imagine there will be resistance to hearing the news that the Church still does indeed call us to lead holy lives.

 

[sacredcello]

All NFP methods are based on the woman knowing and charting her own signs of fertility. They are not the old “rhythm method.”

We need to get the word out about this. The baby boomers who are no longer of childbearing years, still think that NFP is the same as rhythm, which it isn’t at all. But, they spread wrong information to young unsuspecting couples and, consequently, cause great spiritual harm.

 

[tee_eff_em]

I’ve been off his thread a while, and off EE team even longer, but:

Does it occur to anyone there is a *reason *that NFP instruction is *not *a pre-cana requirement?

tee

 

[LittleDeb]

I’ve been off his thread a while, and off EE team even longer, but:

Does it occur to anyone there is a *reason *that NFP instruction is *not *a pre-cana requirement?

tee

I know where you are going with this, but I still believe it needs to be. NONE of us know what the future holds. The couple who has discerned that they can just allow babies to come as surprises is truly blessed. But even they have no guarantee that their circumstances won’t change.

I have a lot of respect for the couples who are blessed enough not to need periodic abstinence, yet they do encourage people to learn about it. When one is pushed off of a boat is NOT the ideal time to learn to swim.

 

[ChristinaM]

I’ve been off his thread a while, and off EE team even longer, but:

Does it occur to anyone there is a *reason *that NFP instruction is *not *a pre-cana requirement?

tee

I think I know what you’re driving at, and I do realize it is not *required *that every Catholic use NFP. I realize that that’s not supposed to be the ideal.

But if you could have seen the skeptical, glassy-eyed looks of the other dozen couples on our Pre-Cana retreat…try telling those people that the ideal is simply accepting children as they come. It may be just the cynic in me, but I seriously doubt those people are turning down NFP classes because they want a honeymoon baby and love children. They’re rejecting it because they are so utterly closed to life that any concept of self-sacrifice in child spacing is abhorrent to them.

Don’t get me wrong…I just don’t think we should let the perfect be the enemy of the good in this, you know?

NFP can also give a woman a lot of useful information about her fertility and the way her body works. I think it’s good for women to learn about the way God made their bodies and the natural rhythm of their cycles. I find it fascinating.

 

[aroosi]

I was reading all the previous posts about Engaged Encounters and I wanted absolutely to open the forum account tonight and tell everybody that for me and my fiance (now husband) it was an awsome experience.
Well you talk about the retreat being too watery about Catholic teachings and some of you (in an other session with the same kind of posts) have a heartbreak because of the lack of proper liturgy. But you should consider for a moment that these encounter are done also to open the arms to couples not very pious and familiar with spiritual life and parish setting.
In my case I’m a (pretty bad) Catholic and my husband is a not Christian. The days before the encounter it was a nightmare, my fiance was scared and annoyed about the all thing, his family and friends making fun of our choice to attend the EE, and myself worried about being pointed out as the catholic lost sheep. Luckily the priest addressed us to an EE for “challenged couples” in which out of a dozen couples maybe one only was “regular”; interfaith couples, cohabiting couples, widowers/remarried, people with kids etc. AND IT WAS GREAT!!! The priest at the EE as well as the junior and senior couples were clear about the teaching of the church without being judgmental or without giving the impression to push the faith down the throat. My fiance and I enjoyed very much to have during the week-end the silent time to discuss about important issues in our relationship and we were impressed about how much love the couples gave to all of us during that week-end: they were our witnesses of the love and mercy of God. I never asked to my fiance to come to the Mass but all the sudden he entered into the church and when during Communion he walked to the priest to receive a blessing (non Catholic go in line with the hand cross on the chest so the priest bless them without giving the Eucharist) I felt a very deep peace.
God bless

Ps. the food was delicious and the place a very quiet monastery

 

[sacredcello]

The priest at the EE as well as the junior and senior couples were clear about the teaching of the church without being judgmental or without giving the impression to push the faith down the throat.

That’s wonderful that you had a great weekend and that it was a blessing for you and your fiance. That’s great that your leaders were clear about church teaching. Let me ask you, did you have a session on the actual practice of NFP, including lessons in charting and interpretation of the charts?

At our EE, my husband and I also heard clear teaching (and some dissenting teaching as well). But, we did not get any lessons on NFP, although we did get to hear that the Church recommends that we not use contraceptives. So, we came away with no suggestions or help on how to put NFP into practice. Since that time, we have learned from books, because there is no one in our area who teaches. Since our January wedding, we are living in a 300 square foot apartment that does not allow babies or children. We are hoping to move to a larger apt or home, depending on several work-related factors, so that we may start our family. So, NFP is a necessity right now. There are plenty of reading materials out there. We just didn’t get them at EE or from our parish.

 

[aroosi]

The time is a weekend only to discuss about a looooooooooooooooot of different important topics. The way they did was to explain why the church recommends NFP, the general principals of the method and they give their witness as couple about what was beautiful/difficult for them using NFP since the marriage up to now (several years later). At the end of the session they gave to everybody a list of books/resources to learn the method (and it makes sense because you can’t learn how to chart and every single technical detail in the short time available at the weekend). Personally I love the website www.woomb.org and I’m trying to learn it slowly using their website but, I have to be honest, right now I’m not using any method because we are hoping to be blessed soon with a son/daughter.