Engagement Ring Question

[dixieagle]

Very interesting thread!

I agree that an engagement is a very serious step, and something that most girls anticipate with great delight. I know many women my age (50+) who, with their husbands, are now quite successful financially, but didn’t start out that way. Most of them have modest diamond engagement rings, often worked into a three-stone ring years later when finances allowed; many have diamond rings with bigger stones, given for a special anniversary, etc.

I do think an engagement ring is an important symbol; if you feel spending two months’ salary is important, that’s your decision. However, with careful shopping, $1000 can go a long way towards a lovely ring. Try some of the reputable online diamond sources (there are several very good ones) and you might be amazed at what you can afford, as you are eliminating another “middleman”. I do recommend that you educate yourself as to what constitutes quality in a diamond (color, cut, clarity, carat) before proceeding.

What I would give if only I still had my original lovely, but smallish diamond engagement ring; it was stolen when we were married about 4 years, and I was heartbroken. Just a couple years ago, we were able to replace it (after raising children, college educations, two weddings, etc.) with a larger ring, after more than 30 years of marriage. I’d trade this one in a heartbeat if I could have the first one back, though.

 

[Kit15]

Don’t worry about the two month “rule”. Go with what you can afford. The important thing is to get your GF’s opinion.

If you’re really in dire straights, and your GF is understanding, you can propose to her without a ring now and give her one later when you’ve saved up a bit. That’s what my dad did.

You could also go with alternate stone routes like birthstones and such. My engagement ring is a lab-grown diamond. I don’t know how things are now, but back then the technology to make “white” diamonds wasn’t there just yet. So my diamond is an icy blue color.

Just make sure you talk to her. My hus really didn’t want to contribute to the diamond industry so he originally planned to give me a sapphire ring. I didn’t want anything that wouldn’t *scream *“ENGAGED!” so I preferred a diamond. While I would have accepted my husband’s proposal no matter what, it would have really bothered me if he ran off and bought an “alternative” ring because of factors A, B, and C…and none of those factors included my opinion. As soon as we started talking about rings, we knew there was a conflict. It took a lot of research and talking things over and eventually we found a solution we were both very happy with.

Size really should not matter (I certainly hope it does not matter). But do take quality into consideration.

So talk to her and bounce ideas around. She’ll appreciate you valuing her opinion. While you may make her all excited that an engagement is coming, you won’t be spoiling any surprises regarding how and when you’ll actually propose. The hus and I started looking at rings a least a year before he proposed. My sister knew her fiancé actually had her father’s permission at least 6 months before he proposed.

 

[rayne89]

Go with what you can afford.

My original engagement ring was a tiny diamond promise ring because we were both still in high school. I have the memory of his proposal clear in my mind as if it were yesterday and it was 21 years ago. I don’t have it any more because being teenagers we got in a big fight and I gave it back and dork dropped it down a sewer drain, but I am wearing it in my senior pictures, I’m so glad I at least have that. My next one wasn’t much bigger -our whole wedding band/engagement ring set cost $600 back in 1990 but we were just out of high school -and we picked out the set together.

I don’t think you need a huge rock to have an awesome memory of getting engaged -in fact at a certain point it looks gaudy and materialistic to me. I would say $1000 is absolutely enough.

 

[rayne89]

I’m going to disagree with most of the posters so far.

I say that if you can’t spend 2 months salary on an engagement ring (credit is OK, as long as you can make the payments in a timely fashion), then you aren’t ready to get married.

Well then I have plenty of friends and myself included that weren’t ready to get married according to your standards and are happily married 10, 15, 20+ years later.

 

[bethndanny]

I personally would have been very upset if my dh had gone into debt to buy me an engagement ring. I mean, upset enough that I likely would have asked him to return it and scale down. There is no way on earth we could have afforded to already be in debt upon our engagement. We paid for our entire wedding, and I had to relocate. He paid $600 for my engagement ring, and I love it.

 

[LeAnneElizabeth]

Wonderer.
hi. this is my first reply/post, but I heard something that a Very Smart, Very Strongly Catholic Actress I admire said in a tv show I videotaped… (Catherine Hicks in her tv show Family drama, 7th Heaven)… At least it sounded Very Catholic and Very True and Smart to me…
She’s Not looking for a Ring (specifically), She’s simply looking for A token of How much you want to tell her you Love her… IF the both of you are Strongly Faithful to The Holy Catholic Ways, I have read about the True way to begin a Marriage/Wedding, By Living with Great Love, Respect, and the Sacrifice of Great Humility to understand that it would Please GOD immensely for All couples getting married to take on the Sacrifice of Humbled Humility and learn to live frugally and simply. A Ring doesn’t Have to be expensive… BUT Your Respect and Cherishment of her and her place in your life Should Always be Real and True. But Take the issue to Prayer, and by all means Discuss the price issue With her…If she wants the union as you do also, I’m sure you’ll be able to work things out. Congratulations.
With God, All things are Possible
& Make no Decisions–without Prayer.

 

[Moscati]

I love my engagement ring, and it (and the circumstances of the proposal) was a complete surprise to me. My fiance took a friend of mine to help him pick it, and he knew what I liked. It was definitely less than $1000.

Romance doesn’t necessarily mean spending money! Since when is the point of getting married to be impractical? I think Cat is interpreting that verse from Proverbs backwards. “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.” If I’m a good wife, I’m the prize, in and of myself, and I don’t need to be showered with expensive stuff to make it true.

Besides, we can always go the other way, and extrapolate from this one:

“I desire . . . that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.” -1 Timothy 2

 

[cmscms]

First of all, (and this is my opinion), I would not talk to her mother or sister or friends. I would feel TOTALLY insulted to find out my ring was chosen by another woman. I would think ‘you can communicate with her but not me!’ Not to mention when it comes to rings (and I am saying this as a woman) woman will talk you into buying the ring THEY think is pretty. They will never try to get into your girlfriends mind to figure out what she likes.

If finance are tight your gf should be understanding. Find out where her preferences are. Is she willing to have a smaller rign in exchange for a nicer wedding, dress or honeymoon. Or is the ring so important she can do without everything else?

As for Cat saying other people will see the ring and knows you love her. I am of a VERY different opinion. If I was married I would want to come home everynight to a husband who is good to me. I would resent having problems at home but then be expected to wear a big ring to make everyone think I have a nice husband. Don’t worry about your reputation, worry about her feelings.

In a marriage you need to learn to communicate. I see this as a good first step in learning to communicate. Talk more to your girlfriend

CM

 

[beckers]

if you are talking engagement then that is something that shouldn’t be a suprise to your GF so ask her what she wants. Found out her size and what she does and doesn’t like. You would hate for her to not like it.

As for the amount of money. When i went shooping for rings i was blown away by the price of rings. I would have been mad at my fiance had spent the $2,000. He has a house already and a steady job so i know he can provide for me. I honestly would have felt werid having a ring worth that much on my hand.

I have to admit in the end that it was a moot point because he had a ring that has been in his family for 150 years. It has 9 diamonds and is more bling then i thought i would want but i love the story and it is so so beautiful. I feel truly blessed when i ever i look down. Though I do have to turn it inside out when i walk at night because i don’t want some to see it and try to rob me!

I would ask your family to see if there is a ring with in the family or with in her family and don’t forget pawn shops!!

 

[Moscati]

First of all, (and this is my opinion), I would not talk to her mother or sister or friends. I would feel TOTALLY insulted to find out my ring was chosen by another woman. I would think ‘you can communicate with her but not me!’ Not to mention when it comes to rings (and I am saying this as a woman) woman will talk you into buying the ring THEY think is pretty. They will never try to get into your girlfriends mind to figure out what she likes.

CM

My friend did a great job. Of course, she’s also the one who introduced us in the first place. She’s got my taste down.

 

[Lightbee]

I don’t want to tell you to go into debt, but I would think very seriously about getting an inexpensive ring just to be practical.

The ring after all is part of a celebration! Celebrations are not by their nature practical.

Your question especially reminds me of my situation with my first husband. We went shopping for a ring together - but the only ring he would even consider buying was the cheapest one we came across, even though I didn’t like that one as much as others (I’d always imagined a solitaire, and the ring he chose was made up of little diamond chips). What was interesting was that I lost 2 chips out of the ring and it then cost more money to replace them.

I guess though, its not the cost of the ring per se that’s the issue, but the attitude of the giver. If you have a cheap attitude (not that you do - but I feel my ex- did) then you undervalue your wife-to-be. Whatever you choose to spend on the ring should be something both you and your wife-to-be will be happy with - but whenever you propose, make sure you know how valued she is and go to the extra effort to make it so special. I think you can “spend” a lot on your future wife in terms of time and effort which can make up for any lack of finances you have.

And be a little creative in your ring shopping. Don’t just go to the jewellery shops - they can really mark things up. Try a small jeweller who makes their own rings. Sometimes you can make some real savings as well as getting a special, one-of-a-kind ring. There are also some great online jewellery stores where you can save money because they don’t have the overheads of the shopfront stores.

Whatever you do, congratulations!!! Its a very exciting time for you all. I wish you all blessings for a wonderful future together.

 

[allaussie]

I’m not going to answer the how much should I spend question, but on the picking what type of ring she likes I have a family experience to share.

Just before my BiL proposed to my sister he took her to a jeweller and asked her to pick out 3 rings she liked and he would then pick one that he would actually give to her, that way it would still be a surprise but something she liked. In reality the plan didn’t work because she really loved one ring and didn’t want to pick another, but its a suggestion that might work depending on your relationship.

 

[Sullibe]

My engagement ring, last time we checked (which was 10 years ago) was worth around $750. It’s not very big, about a third of a carat diamond and 14 carat gold setting. It’s the most expensive piece of jewelry I own, by far. But what’s special about my engagement ring, is not the cost (obviously way less than your two months salary), nor the size. My engagement is the same ring that my husband’s grandfather used to propose to his wife around 70 years ago. When my husband’s grandmother died 15 years ago, his grandfather gave him the engagement ring to use when he was ready to propose. 10 and 1/2 years ago he gave it to me when he asked me to marry him. Our 10 yr. anniversary is in Sept.

It’s not always how much you spend (in my husband’s case, not a cent) but the meaning behind what you do choose.

 

[Cat]

In case anyone is wondering, my engagement ring is a plain thin gold band with a 1/4 carat diamond cut with a peculiar cut called “Lovestar.” I don’t think this cut is offered anymore. At the time, it was supposedly the most brilliant of the cuts because it creates more light-catching facets than the traditional brilliant cut. The wedding ring is a plain thin gold band that we purchased for $17 at a non-chain jewelry store that was going out of business because the elderly owner was retiring.

Hardly a materialistic or gaudy engagement ring. An expensive ring is not always gaudy-looking. In fact, many of the cheapest rings are very gaudy, with poor-quality stones that look like they came out of the gumball machine.

When you see it on my finger, it looks rather paltry. But back then, it cost more than two months of my husband’s earnings. Since he was a student, his earnings came from summer jobs in factories, and he had to save the money to buy the ring.

It is wrong to label someone as “materialistic” because they spend two months salary for a ring. In my husband’s case, he gave up many things to save for that ring–that’s not materialistic, that sacrificial. He has never regretted this.

I never suggested that a man should buy the ring while continuing to live his normal lifestyle. I said that the cost should be “painful” for him so that he is mindful of the hard work of a marriage.

I think that credit is acceptable because it is very difficult in the current economy to save several thousand dollars, especially if the man is a student or a new grad just starting a job. I know many of you do not believe in credit for any purchase other than a house; I disagree with this based on many years of real life where credit has been necessary many times. Credit is not wrong–not paying it back is wrong.

Saving two months salary for an engagement ring (or paying back the purchase if it was done on credit) is a great discipline for a young man in the throes of romantic love.

Just last year, we had my engagement diamond mounted in a new finding because the old one wore through and broke (I told you it was thin!). We bought the same kind of finding, plain gold thin band, for $150. Again, hardly materialistic.

I don’t mind that people have different opinions about this issue, but I resent implications that I and my husband live a materialistic or as one poster said, “decadent” lifestyle just because we do things differently than some of you.

Yes, we spend money on figure skating, but we live in a crummy little old ranch house with one bathroom in a very old and congested neighborhood in our city two blocks away from the busiest intersection in the city. Yes, we spent money on a private prep school for our daughters, but we drive our cars until they literally fall apart underneath us, and we do not remodel, repaint, landscape, or redecorate–the pictures on our walls are all done by our daughters or our grandmothers (needlepoint). Yes, we travel to skating competitions all over the country, but I own two pairs of shoes–an everyday pair and a dress pair.

People have different priorities. Sometimes people with beautiful big houses have nothing else, not even furniture. We’ve been in the homes of people like this, and sat on the floor to eat peanut butter sandwiches. Their house was their priority. And that’s OK. I wouldn’t choose to live that way, but others do. That’s their choice and I respect it.

My dad happens to own 17 houses. Obviously he is well-off. But you would never know it to look at him, because he wears blue jeans and old t-shirts that he gets for free from various businesses and sports venues who hand out free t-shirts. His priority is not his clothing (he is a good-looking man, so he looks good in whatever he wears). He spends his money on land and property. That’s OK. His choice. I wouldn’t want to live that way, but he does.

I think that a fine engagement ring should be a priority, and I have offered my arguments in favor of this viewpoint. I do not appreciate accusations of materialism. Others have offered their arguments against spending a lot of money on an engagement ring. I respect their decision, although I do not agree with it.

Yes, I said that a man who isn’t willing to spend two months salary on an engagement ring is not ready to be married. Many of you disagree with this statement and state that you have been married for many years in spite of your inexpensive ring. I’m glad to hear that, but I will stick with my original statement. The man and his fiance may choose to buy a cheaper ring in order to buy something more practical. But the fact remains–if he is unwilling to spend two months salary on his wife-to-be, whether it be for a house or for a ring, he is not ready to be married.

Keep in mind that two months salary for some men will be much less or much more than $2,200, which is what the OP mentioned. The two-months salary is just a guideline. In reality, a man should be willing to spend 100% of his salary for the rest of his life supporting his wife and making her and his children as happy as possible, even if this means that he will deny himself many possessions and experiences. I see a lot of men who are not willing to spend money on their wives but expect their wives to earn their own “pleasure money.” How many of you know couples who keep separate banking accounts and refer to “his money” and “her money?” This is not a good way to do a marriage. It may be necessary if half of the couple is a spendthrift who can’t be trusted with money. But it’s not the way it should be.

As for my interpretation of the Bible verse in Proverbs, I would remind everyone that Jacob worked for 14 years of his life to “earn” the woman that he loved, Rachel.

 

[jilly4ski]

I don’t know about how much you should spend, but you said your girlfriend doesn’t wear a lot of jewelry. I don’t wear a lot a jewelry either and my dh picked out the ring by himself. Honestly, if my now dh had taken me ring shopping, I probably would have picked out an ugly, cheap ring that I really didn’t like. (I didn’t like most rings). So I would suggest you do some online research into prices, diamond cuts, and designs that you like and you think your gf will like. If you find something that really speaks to you buy it, your soon to be fiance will love it. You will need to get her ring size, but it can still be a surprise when you propose. (I knew it was coming, just not when. I actually thought it was going to be a week latter, and was totally surprised by the location). Good luck and hopefully congrats!!!

 

[Cat]

Rascalking, good luck with that.

How dare you accuse a woman of being a golddigger because she has innocent, girlish dreams of receiving a pretty, nice engagement ring from the man that she adores!

How dare you “test” your prospective bride by handing her a cheap trinket and expecting her to be grateful to accept you!

At the time you propose to a woman, you should already KNOW whether or not her philosophies of spending are compatible with what you believe. The proposal is NOT the time to “test” your woman out and make sure she’s a “good 'un.”

If you prefer that a woman shares certain philosophies of spending with you, then consistently DATE that kind of woman.

There is nothing “golddigging” about a woman who dreams of being cherished by a loving husband who is willing to sacrifice and work hard to give her the best that he can afford to give her. Note–I said, “the best that he can afford to give her.” That will be different for every man. For some men, the best that they can afford to give a woman is a $100 ring from the Avon catalog. For other men, the best will be a million-dollar ring custom made at Harry Winston’s. The main thing is, it’s the best.

No man should expect a woman to accept anything other than “his best” of anything. A man should not enter a marriage expecting to give his wife “trinkets” for the rest of their lives. This is not a “test” of loyalty. It’s a cheap and cruel trick, an immature act of a child who wants their own way and isn’t willing to sacrifice to give to anyone, even his own spouse.

Keep in mind that Jesus gave His Life for His bride, the Church.

I personally suggest that you consider my statement in my above post–a man is ready to be married when he is willing to give up everything he wants to give 100% of his salary for the rest of his life to provide for the needs and as many wants as possible of his wife and their children.

BTW, my husband gave me my engagement ring in a box of Crackerjacks that he had painstakingly opened and re-sealed to look like it had never been opened. When I opened my “prize”, there was my beautiful engagement ring.

 

[Moscati]

And be a little creative in your ring shopping. Don’t just go to the jewellery shops - they can really mark things up. Try a small jeweller who makes their own rings. Sometimes you can make some real savings as well as getting a special, one-of-a-kind ring. There are also some great online jewellery stores where you can save money because they don’t have the overheads of the shopfront stores.

I second this! My ring came from one of these types of shops–there’s not another one like it, as far as I know.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I agree with Cat.

I love my engagement ring. My Dh was 29 when he proposed. He was self employed at the time, so his salary fluctuated monthly. But he was able to get me a very nice ring…my stone is “used” meaning that it was cut many years ago and was probably owned by someone else prior to me. He purchased it from a jeweler who was liquidating his inventory…

We had the setting made custom. Almost 14 years later, it is worth more than what he paid for it…(it was worth more back then as well, he was fortunate to make a good purchase)

But the interesting part was shortly after we were married, he had car troubles, the car needed to be towed and repaired., the emergency cost almost as much as the ring. If we had said that the cost of the ring would have been good for a nest egg, we would have lost that many times.

We have had economic ups and downs… like most couples. I still have my ring. And it’s pretty…and it can be passed down to my kids (or one of) as a tangible memory of their parents.

My mom is a widow…the house isn’t a personal token for her to remember my dad…her wedding ring is, the pearls he gave her for her 50th birthday.

I assume my sister and I will sell the house after my mom passes…those memories from my Dad to my mom to us are priceless.

 

[TheWonderer]

I personally suggest that you consider my statement in my above post–a man is ready to be married when he is willing to give up everything he wants to give 100% of his salary for the rest of his life to provide for the needs and as many wants as possible of his wife and their children.

I completely agree with this statement. The question is not whether I give my all or hold something back, the question is whether I give my all in the particular form of a ring, then have to wait longer to pay for the wedding, immigration processes, and relocating, or whether I give my all now in the form of a ring I can afford and a wedding that proceeds at the pace we want it. In a sense, I feel like I’d be demanding more of a sacrifice from my girlfriend if I couldn’t propose now, or had to propose and then stay apart for more than a year before getting married because of lack of funds.

I’m already making sacrifices (moving to a shared apartment where I’ll pay less rent, cutting back on luxuries and social life, paying for international flights to go see her) it’s only a question of whether the ring itself needs to be the sole focus of that sacrifice.

 

[Moscati]

I think that a fine engagement ring should be a priority, and I have offered my arguments in favor of this viewpoint. I do not appreciate accusations of materialism. Others have offered their arguments against spending a lot of money on an engagement ring. I respect their decision, although I do not agree with it.

Yes, I said that a man who isn’t willing to spend two months salary on an engagement ring is not ready to be married. Many of you disagree with this statement and state that you have been married for many years in spite of your inexpensive ring. I’m glad to hear that, but I will stick with my original statement. The man and his fiance may choose to buy a cheaper ring in order to buy something more practical. But the fact remains–if he is unwilling to spend two months salary on his wife-to-be, whether it be for a house or for a ring, he is not ready to be married.

As for my interpretation of the Bible verse in Proverbs, I would remind everyone that Jacob worked for 14 years of his life to “earn” the woman that he loved, Rachel.

I’m sorry to have offended you, Cat, if I did. Perhaps I’m a bit oversensitive at the moment, considering my fiance and I are ridiculously broke. I resent the feeling or implication that he does not love me simply because he doesn’t buy me presents. (Though I’m sure that is not what you meant to say.)

I’m not sure you are sticking with your original statement. It seemed to me that before you were saying it was wrong or unloving for a husband to spend (or save) the money for a practical purpose (wasn’t there a vacuum cleaner example?). If this is what you meant, then I would agree. Both partners should be ready to take care of each other before they marry.

I would also submit that Jacob was a very practical man, setting back all those spotted goats. My fiance has only been working and saving for two years! Thank goodness it won’t be seven for us.