Engagement Ring Question

[ac_claire]

Yes, I said that a man who isn’t willing to spend two months salary on an engagement ring is not ready to be married. Many of you disagree with this statement and state that you have been married for many years in spite of your inexpensive ring. I’m glad to hear that, but I will stick with my original statement. The man and his fiance may choose to buy a cheaper ring in order to buy something more practical. But the fact remains–if he is unwilling to spend two months salary on his wife-to-be, whether it be for a house or for a ring, he is not ready to be married.

This isn’t exactly the original statement Cat and others made, but re-stated in this way it makes some sense to me.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but what I thought was silly was the rigidity. Like I asked beforee…what if neither the husband or the wife sees any value in an “expensive” engagement ring? What if the wife doesn’t want something fancy? What if that never occurred to her? I got a nice gold and gemstone ring that’ll last forever, and it was a little over $100. That’s fancy enough for me. The logical conclusion of Cat’s statement would be that my husband and I weren’t ready to be married. I just don’t see how that could possibly be sufficient evidence, you know?

It is wrong to label someone as “materialistic” because they spend two months salary for a ring. In my husband’s case, he gave up many things to save for that ring–that’s not materialistic, that sacrificial. He has never regretted this.

Well it was obviously very important to both you and him that you have this ring. Nothing wrong with that. But your intent was different. What you and your husband wanted and found important was different than, for example, what my husband and I wanted. If anyone had tried to tell **us **that there was this inherent moral value to the price of an engagement ring before we got married, they would have gotten the blank stare because we’d have had no idea what they were talking about.

Had it been really important to me to have a $2,000 ring or whatever, and my husband refused to get it for me, we probably wouldn’t have been a good match.

Once you get married, the husband’s money belongs to the wife anyhow, and vice versa.

 

[PatriceA]

Well then I have plenty of friends and myself included that weren’t ready to get married according to your standards and are happily married 10, 15, 20+ years later.

I’d be in the same boat if my engagement had been measured by Cat’s standards.

My husband proposed to me with out the ring. We went shopping together and it was close to $1000 and even then I knew it was stretching my husband’s budget. To me, its beautiful yes, but it is just a symbol of his love and promise. It is NOT what makes our marriage what it is. I could lose that ring today and I would be heartbroken, but my marriage would go on because the man I was marriying was worth far more to me than a piece of jewelry and he certainly did not have to prove to me that he was ready for marriage by giving me a ring that would have put him in a financial bind. Plus I was more excited about planning the Nuptial Mass and meeting with the priest, picking out the wedding bands, than I was the engagement ring.

If some women want the “big ring”, so be it. But to go around judging people by the size of their ring, in either that its not big enough and the man must not be ready to get married or that its too big and the girl must be materialistic, is wrong. That’s like judging someone by the car they drive, the clothes they wear, or the kind of house they live in.

OP, you sound like you are trying to do right by your GF. It is totally appropriate to continue to ask her what she prefers, if she wants to pick the ring out, take her window shopping. You do not have to spend two months salary on a ring if that’s not what you two prefer. This is about YOU and YOUR GF, not anybody else. The only two people you have to satisfy is yourselves. The morals and values you both possess to make the kind of lifelong decisions you are about to make are more precious and priceless than any engagement ring you could ever afford.

 

[Cat]

What I fear is that a lot of couples, possibly the OP, feel pressured by other Christians to behave “sensibly” and sacrifice a pretty engagement ring in favor of saving for a house. People praise them for their good sense, and they smile and suck it up, but in their hearts, they wish they had gone for the silly, impractical, and totally beautiful engagement ring.

If people don’t like jewelry, that’s their business. I really don’t like flowers that much, and the flowers for my wedding cost a total of $70.00. I have friends that spend thousands on flowers for their wedding because they love flowers.

A lot of “preachers” nowadays, Catholic and Protestant, are trying to tell people what they should do with their money, and there’s a lot of guilt flying around the Christian communities (Catholic and Protestant).

For several years after we were first married, my husband and I tried faithfully to be “debt-free” and run our household the way the Christian financial planners were saying was the “Biblical way.”

Then we did three things that totally blew those Christian guys’ teachings–we bought a house, we got involved with the sport of figure skating, and we moved to a city where the public schools are mired down in a desegregation lawsuit.

The house that we bought was pretty cheap, as houses go–around $60,000. But a house cost a fortune after it is purchased. We are not home handy people. Anything other than electrical wiring that has to be done to a house, we have to hire it done. We even hire out our lawn mowing.

Then we got involved with the sport of figure skating. This sport is the second-most expensive sport that a child can be involved in. (The most expensive is equestrian.) During the most expensive year that our girls skated, we spent about $12,000 on the sport. Believe me, we skimped as much as we could, even having the girls share the same competition dress at competitions. (It worked fine as long as their events weren’t scheduled for the same time!) A lot of people spend $25,000 or more on the sport for just one child, and not at the high levels that our children were skating and competing.

That sport totally blew any attempts at following the “Christian budget,” and my husband and I agonized over it and felt so guilty. We talked constantly about pulling our kids out of the sport, but we all loved it so much. We couldn’t take that step.

Then came the third and fatal blow to the Christian budgeteers–the bad public schools. When we moved up North, we always assumed that we would keep our kids in public schools, but that didn’t work out. The city was involved in a deseg lawsuit and the schools were given over to a Master who implemented all kinds of quack sociologists’ education ideas. The kids in our city were used as “experiments” and anyone who could possibly afford it pulled their kids out and either homeschooled them or put them in private or parochial schools, or moved out of the city entirely.

Well, we couldn’t homeschool since I needed to work to make money to pay for figure skating. And we couldn’t move because we needed to stay close to the skating rink. So we did the private school thing, and because we are educational snobs, we selected the best private school in the city.

And that, my friends, was the death of the "Christian Financial Planning. We basically looked at each other and said, “Toss 'em all. We’re doing things the way we think will work best for us.”

And you know something? It all worked out beautifully. We are very happy, even though we are in tremendous debt. None of the debt was incurred by skating or the private school–we paid all those bills in cash. The debt came for things like getting a new roof (the old one was over 40 years old) or replacing cars that fell apart. Yes we could have pulled our kids out of skating or out of the private schools to pay for those “necessities” in cash. But that would have been a miserable way to live–just paying for the necessities.

We feel pretty confident that we will continue to whittle away at the debt and eventually pay it off. So we’re happy with our decision.

My point is, what the financial experts tell you is not always the Best Way for a family to live, and being “practical” is not always the same as being wise.

We love figure skating–it is the lifeline of our family, and now we are paying for a third generation of skaters (my nephew, and he seems to love it, too). And we LOVED and still love the school that my daughters attended–IMO, it is the dream school that every kid in the U.S. SHOULD be able to attend.

I think that a couple should do what they want to do about the engagement ring. I hope that they will consider my statements above about the the symbolism of a ring as it relates to marriage. Mary Gail 36 also made some very good comments about what a ring means to a couple–it’s not just “jewelry.”

Keep in mind that you will have, hopefully, 50 or more years to be “practical.” You will do a lot of “practical” things in your long and happy married life–potty train kids, paint rooms, wash dishes, buy cars, pay heating bills, etc.

But you will probably do very few wild and crazy and totally, utterly romantic things like getting engaged. It’s a huge moment in your life, and it makes sense to remember it with a huge, beautiful symbol.

My main point is, the man needs to be willing to sacrifice his money. If the bride-to-be truly, in her deepest heart of hearts, prefers a house payment or a honeymoon instead of a ring, that’s her business. But if the man is not willing to set aside at least a two-month block of salary to pay for something nice for his bride-to-be, then I will stick by my guns–he is not ready to be married.

 

[PatriceA]

I think the point should be more about has the couple discussed their views about money, do they have similar spending habits, OR are they unevenly matched when it comes to finances. Purchasing the engagement ring should not be the time that you first discuss finances or reflect how either one feels about the ring and what is appropriate or not Its obvious through these posts that we all have different opinions about the size and expense of the engagment ring. Its more important that the couple be on the same page with how they view money than it is what any one of us would think about the size somebody’s engagement ring and if man is ready for marriage or not.

 

[ac_claire]

People are just so different. I think that’s what it comes down to. The last big purchase I “spoiled” myself with was a vacuum cleaner. I love it soooo much. But I’m a neat freak and a homemaker, and I was raised in a lot of squalor and choas. So for me, practical things that actually work well are a huge luxury. I dream about this kind of thing until I can afford it.

I love jewelry and pretty clothes, too, but if it came down to that or, say, our new apartment with a washer and dryer in it, there’s no contest.

 

[SMHW]

I don’t want to tell you to go into debt, but I would think very seriously about getting an inexpensive ring just to be practical.

The ring after all is part of a celebration! Celebrations are not by their nature practical.

I think this is extremely important.

It’s obvious from reading this thread that the symbolism of an engagement ring is not uniformly valued by all posters. I happen to think that an engagement ring is is very important and is very much reminiscent of the seven years that Jacob worked for Rachel (after finding out that the previous seven years he had worked didn’t get him what he thought it would.)

But the point is that the ring is an extravagant sign of love that a man gives to a woman. Sometimes the lavish impracticality is the point because it mirrors the love of Christ for his Church. Wedding receptions, honeymoons, houses, etc. have a certain practical benefit, whether that be enjoyment or practical.

An engagement ring’s purpose is to give glory to the woman who wears it.

 

[UbiCaritas]

First of all, best of luck!

Second, I think it really, really depends on your girlfriend in re: which you should do.

I have two close friends who got engaged/married recently. They’re sisters, as a matter of fact, but very different in terms of outlook/priorities/etc.

One of them is pretty down-to-earth. Her fiance gave her a rather pretty little ring (and by “little”, I mean a quarter-carat diamond) when he proposed; the ring had been his mothers, so it was meaningful to him for that reason. She loved the though of it and wore the ring for over a year; he ended up finding a really stunning wedding/engagement set that she wears now for an extremely good deal and which she (honestly) loves much more than the first. (His parents had gone through an extremely nasty divorce, so while she appreciated the though of using his mother’s ring she was just a bit twitchy about using the ring associated with that marriage…odd, I know, but to each her own.) He wasn’t making much when he proposed, and she would have been horrified if he’d gone into debt for an engagement ring. I see their marriage lasting forever; a really solid, love-based, communicative relationship.

The other is something more of a “princess” in her outlook. She wanted the stunning ring, the dress, the big wedding, etc. She was looking at rings online for a month or two before the proposal, and showed some of her favorites to her sister, who, then, was able to give the fiance-to-be some ideas when asked. They’re saving up for a big wedding, and will probably go into a little debt for it, and her fiance went into debt for the ring. Now, he knows that he is the priority in her life, but she does like the “bling” (for lack of a better word) associated with an engagement and wedding; he has a good job, and knows that he’ll be able to pay off the ring and so forth, and they’re willing to crimp their style a bit post-wedding to make up for the big day. Again, I see this relationship lasting. They adore each other, communicate well, and have a lot in common.

I guess my point is that it really depends on your girlfriend. Do you think she’d rather have an expensive ring or a house downpayment? If she loves beautiful jewelry but has a practical side, what about proposing with a family ring (how would your mother feel about offering one of her rings–not necessarily an engagement ring, but another ring?) and explaining later that you’d like to take her shopping after you’ve been hired in your field? For that matter, as previous posters have said, you can get a really lovely ring without paying an arm and a leg. For example, does she really love diamonds above all things, or would she like a ring with other stones? (I, for example, do like diamonds, but I’m also very fond of sapphires and rubies.) If she has sisters, ask the sister to whom she’s closest for ideas, too. She might have told this sister “ooooh, I love square-cut diamonds three-stone settings”, or “diamonds are pretty, but I prefer emeralds” more easily than she might have brought it up with a boyfriend.

Again, best of luck!

Also, a tip that you’ve probably thought of: no matter what ring you choose, you can’t possibly go wrong with a rose to go with the ring.