Entering a Marriage with Significant Student Loan Debt

[SeekNFind]

I’m curious to see what others’ thoughts are about going into a marriage with a LOT (5-6 figures) of student loan debt. You can’t turn back the clock and unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking about marriage when I took out all these loans. **Fortunately, I don’t have ANY other financial debt (credit cards, car loans, mortgage, etc). **

In about a year, my salary will increase significantly so I will be able to pay it off and if I continue to live the way I am living at my current salary (which is my game plan–no luxury cars or designer bags), I should be able to pay off my loans quickly (5 years best case scenario). But what if I meet someone and we want to start a family right away. What then? What if he doesn’t want me to work full time after having a baby?

I realize this is all somewhat hypothetical and I should have thought this through more carefully before I incurred all this debt. Has anyone been in this situation? Ultimately, could it make a potential spouse walk away from a courtship with me?

 

[jwinch2]

I had a very large amount of student loan debt when my wife and I were married 4 years ago, and still do. The main thing is to be open and honest about the situation. When things start to get serious with a boyfriend/girlfriend to the point that spending the rest of your lives together becomes part of the conversation, it is time to discuss finances. I suggest keeping it light at first, just mention the fact that you have a good deal of loan debt and leave it at that. Later on, you can get into the grisly details, but there is no reason to hash it all out in the first go around.

As for the second part of your question, yes it could impact things. My wife was certainly uncomfortable with it, and remains so to this day. Our situation is complicated by the fact that we have moved several times in recent years and she is in school full time so we are on limited income. In our situation, things did not get to the point where she was willing to walk away, but I would be lying if I said that it did not create some doubt in her mind. Thankfully, our marriage is very strong and for every doubt that either one of us had prior to our wedding, there were a multitude of positives.

Peace,

 

[SeekNFind]

I had a very large amount of student loan debt when my wife and I were married 4 years ago, and still do. The main thing is to be open and honest about the situation. When things start to get serious with a boyfriend/girlfriend to the point that spending the rest of your lives together becomes part of the conversation, it is time to discuss finances. I suggest keeping it light at first, just mention the fact that you have a good deal of loan debt and leave it at that. Later on, you can get into the grisly details, but there is no reason to hash it all out in the first go around.

As for the second part of your question, yes it could impact things. My wife was certainly uncomfortable with it, and remains so to this day. Our situation is complicated by the fact that we have moved several times in recent years and she is in school full time so we are on limited income. In our situation, things did not get to the point where she was willing to walk away, but I would be lying if I said that it did not create some doubt in her mind. Thankfully, our marriage is very strong and for every doubt that either one of us had prior to our wedding, there were a multitude of positives.

Peace,

Thank you for your reply. I think if both of us have student loan debt (or he has other debt) it could be a big problem. Oh gosh, I can’t even imagine how these serious conversations go when you’re courting someone. It just seems like you’re just totally out there, all the cards on the table.

I asked God the other day why He helped to carried me through this professional journey if I have to give it up eventually. I don’t understand the point if I end up getting married and having children.

 

[SerraSemper]

Disagreements over finances is one of the biggest causes of divorce. Any hypothetical husband is only one part of the equation in determining whether you would potentially stay home with the baby. Suggest you go full steam ahead on repayment - who knows, you might lose a job in this economy. If a potential spouse happens along, make sure they are on board and have similar priorities (like having a semi-stable financial foundation). There is no rule that says you can’t ask that both of you be free from excessive debt before getting married.

 

[SerraSemper]

Thank you for your reply. I think if both of us have student loan debt (or he has other debt) it could be a big problem. Oh gosh, I can’t even imagine how these serious conversations go when you’re courting someone. It just seems like you’re just totally out there, all the cards on the table.

I asked God the other day why He helped to carried me through this professional journey if I have to give it up eventually. I don’t understand the point if I end up getting married and having children.

Proverbs 31 woman had things to do. Like owning a business (vineyard and clothesmaking that she sold in the PUBLIC square!). Apparently biblical people didn’t believe in forbidding women to work.

 

[1ke]

I asked God the other day why He helped to carried me through this professional journey if I have to give it up eventually. I don’t understand the point if I end up getting married and having children.

Where did this idea come from?

 

[Joe_5859]

If you think you can repay the debt in 5 years and have no other debt, I’d say you’re in pretty good shape! Some are on the 30 year plan.

There’s no sense worrying about what a potential spouse might think if you’re not even dating at the moment. Yes, it’s hard to imagine those types of conversations at the moment, but when you actually have a significant other in your life, it won’t seem that odd. It’s certainly not something to bring up on the first date, though.

You’re being responsible about paying off your debt, which is more than can be said about a lot of people. I would think that would be a trait a person would want to see in a future spouse.

 

[1ke]

I’m curious to see what others’ thoughts are about going into a marriage with a LOT (5-6 figures) of student loan debt. You can’t turn back the clock and unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking about marriage when I took out all these loans. **Fortunately, I don’t have ANY other financial debt (credit cards, car loans, mortgage, etc). **

In about a year, my salary will increase significantly so I will be able to pay it off and if I continue to live the way I am living at my current salary (which is my game plan–no luxury cars or designer bags), I should be able to pay off my loans quickly (5 years best case scenario). But what if I meet someone and we want to start a family right away. What then? What if he doesn’t want me to work full time after having a baby?

I realize this is all somewhat hypothetical and I should have thought this through more carefully before I incurred all this debt. Has anyone been in this situation? Ultimately, could it make a potential spouse walk away from a courtship with me?

Ok, here is my suggestion. Stop borrowing trouble. You are worried about things that may never happen. You are excessively worrying. what if, what if, what if… that will drive you crazy.

You have a plan to pay off your student loan debt, so just go about your life and execute the plan. If something else comes along, like a husband or a baby, you change the plan.

As to whether or not it might influence a person away from you as a potential spouse, yes it might. But it won’t deter the person who is right for you.

 

[LightBound]

Thank you for your reply. I think if both of us have student loan debt (or he has other debt) it could be a big problem. Oh gosh, I can’t even imagine how these serious conversations go when you’re courting someone. It just seems like you’re just totally out there, all the cards on the table.

I asked God the other day why He helped to carried me through this professional journey if I have to give it up eventually. I don’t understand the point if I end up getting married and having children.

As someone mentioned, even the Proverbs 31 woman worked outside of her home at times. So did St Gianna Beretta Molla- as we all know, she was a medical doctor, and managed to keep her medical practice active and thriving, serving the women and children in her neighborhod, all the while putting her marriage and children ahead of her career. There is no reason to think that you cannot continue in a professional capacity after you get married and have children. You and your spouse may decide together that’s it’s best for you to be at home while your children are young, but that doesn’t mean you abandon your professional journey altogether.

 

[losh14]

I’m sorry to see you so anxious but I understand your concern. Your future husband will take you, warts and all, and the student loan debt is just a wart. It can be worked around. I’d be more concerned if you were a spendthrift (clearly you’re not - no credit card debt!).

I’ll relate that I once broke off things with a girl because of her spending habits. It wasn’t her student loan debt ($20k from five years of engineering school - no problem there) but rather her credit card debt ($12k in three years…) that troubled me. She learned spending from her mother, who had hidden her credit card statements from her husband, paying off one credit card with another, until some 10 years into their marriage she had racked up more than $70k in debt and defaulted on multiple cards in one month. I saw too many of the same habits in my then-girlfriend (tendency to just buy something that wasn’t needed, to go out to eat when there was already food at home, her Victoria’s Secret habit, the constant gifts she bought me, … her insistence that I could buy her a $1,000 engagement ring only if I bought her a nicer one for our second anniversary) that I really doubted we were ready for marriage.

So no, your fiscal responsibility seems much better. Keep hammering away at those student loans. Your husband may have even more than you, so if you both learn to live frugally you’ll find a fruitful life down the road.

 

[Belle10]

Ok, here is my suggestion. Stop borrowing trouble. You are worried about things that may never happen. You are excessively worrying. what if, what if, what if… that will drive you crazy.

You have a plan to pay off your student loan debt, so just go about your life and execute the plan. If something else comes along, like a husband or a baby, you change the plan.

As to whether or not it might influence a person away from you as a potential spouse, yes it might. But it won’t deter the person who is right for you.

I agree with this.

I see student loan debt as fitting into the “in want” part of the “in plenty and in want” of the marriage vows. If you are committed to marriage with the right person, nothing will deter either of you.

My husband and I married when we were 25 and 24, respectively. We had LOTS of student loan debt. Then a few years ago my husband got his master’s degree in education, just in time for there to be no teaching jobs b/c the economy got so bad. Our current student loan debt is equal to a mortgage. I fear we’ll never be rid of it, but it is what it is.

None of this changed our desire or commitment to marry each other or to stay married to each other. I don’t understand how it could, if one truly understands the marriage commitment.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m curious to see what others’ thoughts are about going into a marriage with a LOT (5-6 figures) of student loan debt. You can’t turn back the clock and unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking about marriage when I took out all these loans. **Fortunately, I don’t have ANY other financial debt (credit cards, car loans, mortgage, etc). **

In about a year, my salary will increase significantly so I will be able to pay it off and if I continue to live the way I am living at my current salary (which is my game plan–no luxury cars or designer bags), I should be able to pay off my loans quickly (5 years best case scenario). But what if I meet someone and we want to start a family right away. What then? What if he doesn’t want me to work full time after having a baby?

I realize this is all somewhat hypothetical and I should have thought this through more carefully before I incurred all this debt. Has anyone been in this situation? Ultimately, could it make a potential spouse walk away from a courtship with me?

Student loan debt, if taken on in a reasonable way, is an investment in earning potential. The problem I have seen is not that people have student loans, but that they have student loans AND start taking on a new “standard of living” prior to actually achieving the new salary. The smart people do what you propose, which is to keep closer to their student standard of living until their loans are paid off.

I think if you live by a reasonable standard of living in spite of earning a wage that would make a more extravagant lifestyle possible, you’ll attract someone with similar attitudes towards money. Generally speaking and all other things being equal, that is much to be wished for. As for those who would pass you over because your stuff isn’t glitzy enough, be thankful for that!

 

[SeekNFind]

Proverbs 31 woman had things to do. Like owning a business (vineyard and clothesmaking that she sold in the PUBLIC square!). Apparently biblical people didn’t believe in forbidding women to work.

Where did this idea come from?

I’m a recent convert and still learning but I thought Catholic men preferred their wives to stay home and raise their children. I thought it was sorta expected. I even read something on a Catholic courtship website about a man only seriously dating/courting a woman who would stay home once they had children.

 

[Allegra]

My husband has alot of student loan debt but we’ve managed to come up with a plan to run our household while still paying off the debt. While it is mildly annoying that he came with this obligation, I still think he’s worth it.

 

[SeekNFind]

If you think you can repay the debt in 5 years and have no other debt, I’d say you’re in pretty good shape! Some are on the 30 year plan.

There’s no sense worrying about what a potential spouse might think if you’re not even dating at the moment. Yes, it’s hard to imagine those types of conversations at the moment, but when you actually have a significant other in your life, it won’t seem that odd. It’s certainly not something to bring up on the first date, though.

You’re being responsible about paying off your debt, which is more than can be said about a lot of people. I would think that would be a trait a person would want to see in a future spouse.

You’re right. . .cart before the horse.

 

[SeekNFind]

Ok, here is my suggestion. Stop borrowing trouble. You are worried about things that may never happen. You are excessively worrying. what if, what if, what if… that will drive you crazy.

You have a plan to pay off your student loan debt, so just go about your life and execute the plan. If something else comes along, like a husband or a baby, you change the plan.

As to whether or not it might influence a person away from you as a potential spouse, yes it might. But it won’t deter the person who is right for you.

Thank you. Very sound advice.

As someone mentioned, even the Proverbs 31 woman worked outside of her home at times. So did St Gianna Beretta Molla- as we all know, she was a medical doctor, and managed to keep her medical practice active and thriving, serving the women and children in her neighborhod, all the while putting her marriage and children ahead of her career. There is no reason to think that you cannot continue in a professional capacity after you get married and have children. You and your spouse may decide together that’s it’s best for you to be at home while your children are young, but that doesn’t mean you abandon your professional journey altogether.

I love St. Gianna! I guess I felt that I would be expected to just give up my career if children came along. Don’t get me wrong–I am open to staying at home but that might not be an option with debt. . .

 

[SeekNFind]

Disagreements over finances is one of the biggest causes of divorce. Any hypothetical husband is only one part of the equation in determining whether you would potentially stay home with the baby. Suggest you go full steam ahead on repayment - who knows, you might lose a job in this economy. If a potential spouse happens along, make sure they are on board and have similar priorities (like having a semi-stable financial foundation). There is no rule that says you can’t ask that both of you be free from excessive debt before getting married.

Very true. Fortunately, in my line of work there is extremely high job security so I don’t really worry about my ability to earn a good income in the future.

I’m sorry to see you so anxious but I understand your concern. Your future husband will take you, warts and all, and the student loan debt is just a wart. It can be worked around. I’d be more concerned if you were a spendthrift (clearly you’re not - no credit card debt!).

I’ll relate that I once broke off things with a girl because of her spending habits. It wasn’t her student loan debt ($20k from five years of engineering school - no problem there) but rather her credit card debt ($12k in three years…) that troubled me. She learned spending from her mother, who had hidden her credit card statements from her husband, paying off one credit card with another, until some 10 years into their marriage she had racked up more than $70k in debt and defaulted on multiple cards in one month. I saw too many of the same habits in my then-girlfriend (tendency to just buy something that wasn’t needed, to go out to eat when there was already food at home, her Victoria’s Secret habit, the constant gifts she bought me, … her insistence that I could buy her a $1,000 engagement ring only if I bought her a nicer one for our second anniversary) that I really doubted we were ready for marriage.

So no, your fiscal responsibility seems much better. Keep hammering away at those student loans. Your husband may have even more than you, so if you both learn to live frugally you’ll find a fruitful life down the road.

Wow, scary. I like nice things but not at the point of spending money I don’t have to get them. It just seemed to me unfair to ask him to take on this debt that he had nothing to do this.

I agree with this.

I see student loan debt as fitting into the “in want” part of the “in plenty and in want” of the marriage vows. If you are committed to marriage with the right person, nothing will deter either of you.

My husband and I married when we were 25 and 24, respectively. We had LOTS of student loan debt. Then a few years ago my husband got his master’s degree in education, just in time for there to be no teaching jobs b/c the economy got so bad. Our current student loan debt is equal to a mortgage. I fear we’ll never be rid of it, but it is what it is.

None of this changed our desire or commitment to marry each other or to stay married to each other. I don’t understand how it could, if one truly understands the marriage commitment.

Thank you. I guess when it’s the right man, it doesn’t matter.

Student loan debt, if taken on in a reasonable way, is an investment in earning potential. The problem I have seen is not that people have student loans, but that they have student loans AND start taking on a new “standard of living” prior to actually achieving the new salary. The smart people do what you propose, which is to keep closer to their student standard of living until their loans are paid off.

I think if you live by a reasonable standard of living in spite of earning a wage that would make a more extravagant lifestyle possible, you’ll attract someone with similar attitudes towards money. Generally speaking and all other things being equal, that is much to be wished for. As for those who would pass you over because your stuff isn’t glitzy enough, be thankful for that!

I knew a woman in my field who did this very thing and was able to pay off her loan debt in 5 years (which is where I get my estimate from). I was very impressed. And it’s not that I’m a miser. I like nice things! But when you’re not independently wealthy, you just can’t have it all. I know it’s another silly thing to worry about, especially when there isn’t even a man in the picture right now

My husband has alot of student loan debt but we’ve managed to come up with a plan to run our household while still paying off the debt. While it is mildly annoying that he came with this obligation, I still think he’s worth it.

That’s sweet.

 

[Allegra]

Thank you. Very sound advice.

I love St. Gianna! I guess I felt that I would be expected to just give up my career if children came along. Don’t get me wrong–I am open to staying at home but that might not be an option with debt. . .

It really depends of what your career is. Some careers are more condusive to family life than others. Frankly, some careers are so time consuming that they are inappropriate even for a parent who has a spouse that stays home with the kids. Even if a person is the breadwinner, they may be called to make sacrifices to their careen for the benefit of their family. For example, one may have to turn down a promotion because of it requiring them to travel too much and be away from their family. Or they may have to turn down an opportunity because they don’t think it would be best for their family to relocate. Even my grandfather, who was a farmer, ended up having to sell his family farm and start into another line of work because three of his children were born deaf and they had to relocate to a city that had a school for them.

I agree that you are worrying too soon. Certainly, try to avoid taking out student debt at all costs, but don’t quit school because you are worried that you will want to stay with your kids. The other thing is, as my grandma always told us, “Husbands die but a degree is forever.”

 

[EasterJoy]

I knew a woman in my field who did this very thing and was able to pay off her loan debt in 5 years (which is where I get my estimate from). I was very impressed. And it’s not that I’m a miser. I like nice things! But when you’re not independently wealthy, you just can’t have it all. I know it’s another silly thing to worry about, especially when there isn’t even a man in the picture right now

Debt for the sake of a prudent investment can be a very wise risk, but freedom from debt is one of the best things money can buy.

Go for it!

 

[Em_in_FL]

Eh… honestly, just take one day at a time. You can’t PLAN or CONTROL everything in your life. Lots of changes can (and WILL) happen along the way. Sometimes, you have to adjust the plan and just move forward, even if sometimes it feels like your going in circles.

Here’s my perspective:
I graduated from college 11 years ago.
I had a decent amount of college debt.
Over these 11 years I’ve been married, had 4 children, and have continued to work full time (minus 4 maternity leaves )…
I’m still… slowly… ever so slowly… paying off those loans.
We’ve paid off other higher-interest debts more quickly, which is why this one has carried on for so long. It’s on the back burner, and when it’s done, it’s done.

I had other plans about paying off debt years ago, but hey, life happens. It’s just money. It’s allowed me to have a decent paying job, to help care for my family through good times and bad. Such is life.

Don’t stress it so much.