Entering a Marriage with Significant Student Loan Debt

[twoangels]

I was in so much debt when I graduated college, that I knew I couldn’t pay it off quickly. Instead, I saved and invested money. I also lived with my family for a reduced rent, which has its pros and cons, but it allowed me to save more. I figured it was better to have a nest egg than to possibly get into a situation where I was using credit cards with a higher interest rate.

I ended up marrying a man who was completely debt free. Circumstances I could have never predicted or planned for allowed us to get the private loan paid off. Even without the loan, we try to save each month and its a challenge.

There are so many things that factor into this that you just can’t predict. It’ll be something you need to discuss when you’re discerning marriage, but it should be a part of discussing finances in general. Whether or not you stay home with be based on both your desires as well as your circumstances. What if he gets laid off and you’re supporting the family?

 

[losh14]

Since this thread has morphed a little I’ll add some more thoughts

I even read something on a Catholic courtship website about a man only seriously dating/courting a woman who would stay home once they had children.

There are some very conservative Catholic sites as there are some very conservative Catholics - and some would, I’d argue, go overboard with expectations. There’s nothing unholy about a woman working - if the Proverb states that a good wife spins flax into linen so her children can have clothing, I think it’s no less valid a use of her time in this day and age to earn wages and buy the linen (or the clothing). Regardless …

Being a SAHM is common but it comes in shades. Our group of friends includes a number of SAHMs, a strong interest in NFP and natural birthing, and a desire to do more things homemade, and avoid unwanted influences in our kids’ lives from mass culture. Within that group, though, are a few moms who work from home (including one who consults on IT security for small businesses), as well as one who homeschools her kids and some of her friends’ kids as well, which is legal in Missouri because kindergarten is optional and a day care can run unlicensed with up to 4 children not related to the caregiver.

My wife is doing what her mother did, which is to stay at home while the kids are too young for school and return to work fulltime after. She worked for almost 10 years, helping to put me through grad school while we lived frugally, and with my raise and promotion earlier this year we can afford her to stay home. She quit her job in May, the oldest is in half-day Catholic preschool through the end of summer (it’s really good for her, and inexpensive, and helps both kids transition to the Fall). I know other Catholic couples who really can’t afford one income, or even who can’t afford to have more than one child, or who stayed home with the first but the mom is just bored and goes back to work. It’s gotta be a relationship that works for everyone in the family.

This is also a time of discernment for my wife, during which she plans to find a new career and finally open that CD-ROM Spanish course I bought her for Christmas 4 years ago. So far she’s had to deal with ear infections, teething, potty training (broken by a bout of stomach flu), 2 or 3 play dates a week, a flooded basement and Ellen. I’m sure she’ll get there.

I’m still… slowly… ever so slowly… paying off those loans.
We’ve paid off other higher-interest debts more quickly, which is why this one has carried on for so long. It’s on the back burner, and when it’s done, it’s done.

Also nice to be able to write off the interest … for now. But I agree that student debt takes a backburner to other debt. We’re down to mortgage, car note (my 12-year-old Pontiac finally gave up, so we had to), and my student debt. Getting a consolidation loan for the student notes helped a lot, reduced interest rate almost 2 points.

I’ve also known couples to marry, buy a house, and agree to live frugally the first year or so to pay down or refi the mortgage or pay off other debt so that living on one income is feasible, and that’s especially so if you marry young and have the energy.

 

[LightBound]

I’m a recent convert and still learning but I thought Catholic men preferred their wives to stay home and raise their children. I thought it was sorta expected. I even read something on a Catholic courtship website about a man only seriously dating/courting a woman who would stay home once they had children.

I would be very cautious about visiting those websites!! Very often, they are ran by schismatic groups or those with an irregular status in the Church. Either way, they have a not so subtle knack of presenting their personal opinions as Church teaching. It would be best not to go to those sites anymore.

 

[Serap]

I’m curious to see what others’ thoughts are about going into a marriage with a LOT (5-6 figures) of student loan debt. You can’t turn back the clock and unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking about marriage when I took out all these loans. **Fortunately, I don’t have ANY other financial debt (credit cards, car loans, mortgage, etc). **

In about a year, my salary will increase significantly so I will be able to pay it off and if I continue to live the way I am living at my current salary (which is my game plan–no luxury cars or designer bags), I should be able to pay off my loans quickly (5 years best case scenario). But what if I meet someone and we want to start a family right away. What then? What if he doesn’t want me to work full time after having a baby?

I realize this is all somewhat hypothetical and I should have thought this through more carefully before I incurred all this debt. Has anyone been in this situation? Ultimately, could it make a potential spouse walk away from a courtship with me?

My school debt was $26,000 when I graduated. I married with debt and then paid it off before we had kids.

If you marry, your debt becomes his debt too. It’s a joint decision.

 

[sw85]

I’m curious to see what others’ thoughts are about going into a marriage with a LOT (5-6 figures) of student loan debt. You can’t turn back the clock and unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking about marriage when I took out all these loans. **Fortunately, I don’t have ANY other financial debt (credit cards, car loans, mortgage, etc). **

In about a year, my salary will increase significantly so I will be able to pay it off and if I continue to live the way I am living at my current salary (which is my game plan–no luxury cars or designer bags), I should be able to pay off my loans quickly (5 years best case scenario). But what if I meet someone and we want to start a family right away. What then? What if he doesn’t want me to work full time after having a baby?

I realize this is all somewhat hypothetical and I should have thought this through more carefully before I incurred all this debt. Has anyone been in this situation? Ultimately, could it make a potential spouse walk away from a courtship with me?

I’m in the same situation you are, and I’ve already had one relationship fall apart because of what I suspect was in large part my debt. Around $60,000. Like you have, I have a five-year plan for debt freedom, and it requires living on a ramen-and-PB&J budget. Sadly, by the time I’m debt-free, I’ll be 31 or 32, and really too old to be just getting married for the first time. I need to find a woman who will stick with me through it all.

The advice here – don’t worry about it, just do the best you can – is basically sound, in large part because it’s the only option you have. God will provide, one way or another.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Sadly, by the time I’m debt-free, I’ll be 31 or 32, and really too old to be just getting married for the first time. I need to find a woman who will stick with me through it all.

Better than being 31 or 32 and getting married for the second or third time.

Really though, that is nowhere near too old to marry. It may not be your ideal, but it certainly isn’t too old to start a family.

And there are lots of people willing to marry people with large student loan debt. Especially people who have student debt of their own. Besides, you went in to debt for an education and a future, not because you’re a frivolous spender who’s bad with money.

 

[1ke]

I’m a recent convert and still learning but I thought Catholic men preferred their wives to stay home and raise their children. I thought it was sorta expected. I even read something on a Catholic courtship website about a man only seriously dating/courting a woman who would stay home once they had children.

Catholic men and women come in all shapes and sizes. There is no one way to constitute a family, work, child rearing, etc.

I am sure that there are men who feel this way, and women who feel this way. But there is no one way.

If that is not your goal or your idea of family life, then find someone who shares your visions of faith, family, and Catholic living.

 

[1ke]

Sadly, by the time I’m debt-free, I’ll be 31 or 32, and really too old to be just getting married for the first time.

Ah youth.

I did not meet my husband until I was 36 and he was 41, married at 38 and 43.

I scoff at thee.

 

[Gwendolen]

The amount of debt does not sound excessive for what you suggest your career earning potential is, and how fast you would be able to pay it off.

I know someone whose student loan debt equals my siblings for medical school – except she is not earning as a doctor, just a bachelors in psychology, and cannot find a job in her field. I think this is the kind of thing that might make a potential spouse squeamish.

Less the amount of debt, than overall wisdom towards finances. I would marry someone who took out a large loan to obtain a degree that could well support our family. If I was a guy, and was expecting wife to stay home much of the time, at least when the kids were small, I would see this as back-up if I was unable to work. On the other hand, I would pause if someone took out 80-100K to get a degree where the job market is tight, and the average salary is 50K a year, (and then got married, stayed home with the kids, and expected her husband to pay it all back). That is NOT what you are proposing, so I think most people (and potential mates) would see you as reasonable.

I would admire someone who lived frugally to pay down their debt, and was responsible, even if they still had a fair amount left when we married. Someone who had less student debt because their parents paid for everything wouldn’t necessarily make a better spouse.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

Could it make a potential spouse walk away? Maybe. But as others have said, it seems that you live frugally and have a good plan, and that’s important too.

I have a lot of debt. My husband married me anyway. (He had none.) He doesn’t like it, and it makes me feel guilty, especially because I am looking for work right now. I’m not going to lie, it causes a LOT of stress for both of us. Hundreds of dollars per month that we could use to save for a house goes toward it, and because we can’t afford a house we throw money away into rent every month. It’s limiting.

However, remember that your degree is an asset. The debt weighs you down, but the degree will help you if you do decide to stay home and your husband loses his job or, God forbid, something happens to him. Don’t worry so much about it, especially if you haven’t met him yet. When you marry someone, you work with what you have. You could marry someone with no debt, or a lot. You could marry someone who has a lucrative career, or not. Either way, you make it work. We worry the most about the unknown, but this is really a situation where there is nothing you can do but what you are already doing. Pay off as much as you can, and address the issue when the time comes and you actually know what your combined experiences are.

 

[NightHawk2005]

I’m curious to see what others’ thoughts are about going into a marriage with a LOT (5-6 figures) of student loan debt. You can’t turn back the clock and unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking about marriage when I took out all these loans. **Fortunately, I don’t have ANY other financial debt (credit cards, car loans, mortgage, etc). **

In about a year, my salary will increase significantly so I will be able to pay it off and if I continue to live the way I am living at my current salary (which is my game plan–no luxury cars or designer bags), I should be able to pay off my loans quickly (5 years best case scenario). But what if I meet someone and we want to start a family right away. What then? What if he doesn’t want me to work full time after having a baby?

I realize this is all somewhat hypothetical and I should have thought this through more carefully before I incurred all this debt. Has anyone been in this situation? Ultimately, could it make a potential spouse walk away from a courtship with me?

Marriage is a partnership, not ownership. He doesn’t get to decide that you have to stay home if you have children. You make that decision together. If you don’t want to stay home, that isn’t up to him. Nothing is wrong with keeping a job and hiring a nanny if that’s what you want to do if that situation arises.

 

[LightBound]

I’m in the same situation you are, and I’ve already had one relationship fall apart because of what I suspect was in large part my debt. Around $60,000. Like you have, I have a five-year plan for debt freedom, and it requires living on a ramen-and-PB&J budget. Sadly, by the time I’m debt-free, I’ll be 31 or 32, and really too old to be just getting married for the first time. I need to find a woman who will stick with me through it all.

The advice here – don’t worry about it, just do the best you can – is basically sound, in large part because it’s the only option you have. God will provide, one way or another.

31 or 32 too old to be getting married? Maybe if you lived in medieval times and had a short life span!

 

[Serap]

Ah youth.

I did not meet my husband until I was 36 and he was 41, married at 38 and 43.

I scoff at thee.

I was 35 when I got married and had my kids at 36 and 38.

 

[Aggies08]

My spouse had significant debt- upper 5 figure- and I made peace with myself that when we were married, that was my debt as well. We paid it off in 3 years!!! We lived super frugal, in an apartment until the 1st was around a year, when we held a couple months extra payments off to save for a house, moved in there, and KILLED the debt. We are now working on the mortgage, our last debt.

So no, it wasn’t a deterrent for me.

I suggest Dave Ramsey for getting-out-of-debt ideas. It’s a solid, conservative meathod. I don’t care for his investing, but the getting-out-of-debt and basic info is a great starting point for money management.

 

[lily20]

I married a man in some heavy student loan debt. It does make things stressful but also sickness and unemployment can do the same, so my point is that we have to accept these sorts of conditions.

I’d recommend, being on the other side, to move at a decent pace through your education and actively look for ways to pay it off once you’re done. Keep it simple.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I asked God the other day why He helped to carried me through this professional journey if I have to give it up eventually. I don’t understand the point if I end up getting married and having children.

Maybe you don’t have to give it up. You can work full time or part time, depending on the situation you find yourself in.

I’m 36, I finished my PhD earlier this year and am now a stay at home mom. I wonder what in the world was I thinking when I started my postgraduate work. But back then I was single and I had different plans. Things just turned out this way. I’m convinced I will use my degree in one way or the other. So don’t feel like your career choices have been wrong, because you just don’t know what the future will bring.

As for finances, it really depends on this prospective husband of yours. With some people everything is difficult, and with others it is possible to reach an agreement and sort things out. When my husband and I got married 4 years ago, we were both PhD students and he just started working full time and was earning very little. We were lucky we had no debt but we had no money to waste and it was seriously tough at times. Because of our circumstances we decided to wait a bit and had a child 2 years after we got married. We still don’t live in luxury although things have improved a lot, but that is not a problem for us.

It is crucial to be honest about your situation and to expect the same level of honesty from the man and to be in agreement on how to proceed. I think this is the most important thing in marriage, regardless of particular circumstances.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for your reply. I think if both of us have student loan debt (or he has other debt) it could be a big problem. Oh gosh, I can’t even imagine how these serious conversations go when you’re courting someone. It just seems like you’re just totally out there, all the cards on the table.

I asked God the other day why He helped to carried me through this professional journey if I have to give it up eventually. I don’t understand the point if I end up getting married and having children.

Most people I know had two sets of student loans to pay off. It was not easy, but it was not as if they had an alternative way to get jobs that they could hope to pay off a mortgage with. Those who aren’t independently wealthy can make some financially-disasterous academic choices, but that doesn’t mean that college is a bad investment.

No matter what your gender or what your training, you have to be willing to leave it all behind in order to do what you are called to do. “No one who sets a hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:62) Remember, after all, that Bl. John Paul II was an actor and a playwright…was that wasted? No. Did St. Peter waste his time learning to fish? No. Did St. Paul manage to get a bit of tent-making in on the side while he travelled the world spreading the Gospel? Yes, yes he did.

Also, you aren’t married, if you marry you don’t know that you will be able to have children, you don’t know how many, you don’t know if your husband will be able to find work or will be able to support your family on his salary alone or will be better-suited to staying at home or will live to see old age…there are lots of “don’t knows.” You may have children who need professional help, and you will need to work to help pay for it. You may find your training will help you to do things you never dreamed of.

The point in getting your training was to make you capable of doing what God may call you to do by developing the talents God gave to you. One of the things you will be able to do is to support yourself and wait for the right man, a man after God’s heart, instead of having to jump on the first likely prospect because you need a meal ticket. That right man may be a long time in coming, and you have much service to render to God in the meantime.

Read up on St Gianna Beretta Molla, and ask for her to help to guide you. I think you’ll see this in a different way!

 

[EasterJoy]

I finished my PhD earlier this year and am now a stay at home mom. I wonder what in the world was I thinking when I started my postgraduate work.

I am a SAHM with a PhD, too. You have no idea how many SAHMs have said to me “it is so great you are a SAHM, it shows that what I am doing is worthwhile, that this isn’t something a woman would only choose because she didn’t have something ‘better’ to do!”

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I am a SAHM with a PhD, too. You have no idea how many SAHMs have said to me “it is so great you are a SAHM, it shows that what I am doing is worthwhile, that this isn’t something a woman would only choose because she didn’t have something ‘better’ to do!”

That is great. So many women are made to feel worthless if they don’t work for money.

 

[EasterJoy]

That is great. So many women are made to feel worthless if they don’t work for money.

Well, men, too, especially if they lose their jobs or have to take a job “below” what they had hoped for. They can get very despondent if their paid employment or working position was “who I am” instead of “what I do”, instead of being allowed to take pride in doing whatever work they have to do, paid or not, high status or not, and doing it well and honestly. That is very sad, yes!

And on the flip side, other people feel their education isn’t “worth it” if they can’t make money with it! Of course you need to be able to figure out how to re-pay for anything that you paid for with borrowed money, including an education, but an education is still an investment in so much more than that, all the same.

I know there are people who would much rather pay for their spouse’s student loans than pay the price of having a spouse who did not find a way to get themselves educated somehow, whether formally or in some other way. College isn’t for everybody, a degree isn’t necessary for every vocation, but most of us need to find a way to keep learning and developing ourselves, even when it isn’t required for the job we’re holding down today.