Evangelical in-laws trying to kill us, need advice

[Rolltide]

I think that they’re wanting to “stop us before it’s too late”, since they know the dates of joining the church and the rites. I wonder if we can get through that, so they know we’re serious, that they’ll calm a bit.

They don’t really respect our need to be alone as a couple, as they want us over at their house 5+ times a week and continuously beg us to come over and when we do come over, they tell us we need to come over more. (We probably go anywhere from once a week to once a month, depending on the month and holidays and things.)

Keep in mind that there’s probably a bit of empty nest syndrome going on there too… they feel like they’re having to compete with you for their son’s affection, and they’re probably a bit lonely as well… This part will get better with time.

 

[JReducation]

I think that they’re wanting to “stop us before it’s too late”, since they know the dates of joining the church and the rites. I wonder if we can get through that, so they know we’re serious, that they’ll calm a bit.

They don’t really respect our need to be alone as a couple, as they want us over at their house 5+ times a week and continuously beg us to come over and when we do come over, they tell us we need to come over more. (We probably go anywhere from once a week to once a month, depending on the month and holidays and things.)

There are some serious control issues going on here. You have to draw those boundaries first, before you even think of going further into talking about faith in the future.

You are now a couple. You are no longer their little girl and boy. Time to let them in on that little fact of life. Unless we act like adults we cannot expect to be treated as such.

JR

 

[jamesneiman]

I would suggest that you gently but firmly build a schedule that meets your needs as a couple, and use it to communicate with your in-laws that you simply don’t have the time to discuss your religion ad infinitum. You both have responsibilities that take time and effort, as well as house projects, other friends and relatives, potential travel, and yes, involvement in your church.

Instead of engaging in a fruitless discussion with them, I would suggest that when you spend time with them it is to offer kindness such as helping them with their projects or whatever it is you can do to live in loving and prayerful service to your neighbor.

You also owe it to them and to yourselves to live in an honest relationship. If there is a hidden agenda, then you all will feel uncomfortable and it will eventually lead to confrontation. Why go down a path when you know it will lead to a destructive relationship?

If they truly want to learn about the religion, you can point them to the apologetics websites.

 

[eleutheria]

Keep in mind that there’s probably a bit of empty nest syndrome going on there too… they feel like they’re having to compete with you for their son’s affection, and they’re probably a bit lonely as well… This part will get better with time.

They have another son still at home. I wish they’d focus more on him, lol. There are a lot of issues going on here as well though. They have three other adult children besides my husband, who won’t really have anything to do with them. The oldest moved across country and only calls every 5 or so years. The next two both live in this town, but won’t visit more than once a year. And the son that lives with them is busy with working 60 hours a week, youth group and other activies so he’s never home. I think that my husband is viewed as “the good one” and so now they’re really freaking out because he’s not “as good” anymore.

 

[eleutheria]

There are some serious control issues going on here. You have to draw those boundaries first, before you even think of going further into talking about faith in the future.

You are now a couple. You are no longer their little girl and boy. Time to let them in on that little fact of life. Unless we act like adults we cannot expect to be treated as such.

JR

Well, we’re trying to set up boundaries here… We’ve already cut out a lot of time with them, we’ve stopped Sunday dinners, and we’ve tried to invite them to our place occasionally, so it’s not always going to theirs. We set them down awhile back and had a long discussion about boundaries and visits and things, and that’s what led to some of the above things.

I’m not really sure what else there is to do, but if you have any practical suggestions, I wouldn’t mind hearing them.

 

[eleutheria]

I would suggest that you gently but firmly build a schedule that meets your needs as a couple, and use it to communicate with your in-laws that you simply don’t have the time to discuss your religion ad infinitum. You both have responsibilities that take time and effort, as well as house projects, other friends and relatives, potential travel, and yes, involvement in your church.

Instead of engaging in a fruitless discussion with them, I would suggest that when you spend time with them it is to offer kindness such as helping them with their projects or whatever it is you can do to live in loving and prayerful service to your neighbor.

You also owe it to them and to yourselves to live in an honest relationship. If there is a hidden agenda, then you all will feel uncomfortable and it will eventually lead to confrontation. Why go down a path when you know it will lead to a destructive relationship?

If they truly want to learn about the religion, you can point them to the apologetics websites.

This is exactly what I’d like to do. I didn’t know if it would be the right thing though.

 

[Rolltide]

They have another son still at home. I wish they’d focus more on him, lol. There are a lot of issues going on here as well though. They have three other adult children besides my husband, who won’t really have anything to do with them. The oldest moved across country and only calls every 5 or so years. The next two both live in this town, but won’t visit more than once a year. And the son that lives with them is busy with working 60 hours a week, youth group and other activies so he’s never home. I think that my husband is viewed as “the good one” and so now they’re really freaking out because he’s not “as good” anymore.

Well, THAT explains a lot! There’s nothing wrong with being kind and visiting them (or having them visit you), even frequently, but there are boundaries that will have to be set up early on. It sounds that like aside from the religious issues, you actually get along halfway decently. I would, however, make sure that any religious issues are very clearly defined before the issue of children even comes up. You may want to also focus on those social issues which Catholics and Evangelicals strongly agree, in order to demonstrate that Catholics are unwavering in their stance.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Your in-laws are basically nice people based on your description, they are just a little bit spooked now. Allow them a little time to recover from this shock , and they will be OK (you can still politely deny those Bible studies, you are busy, planned other things to do, etc).

Sometime later, you could even invite them to join you to the Catholic Mass on a Sunday . Just don’t overload them now, let them first digest this news and get used to it .

 

[kage_ar]

A couple little random thoughts.

First, have you both written down your Conversion story? If you have, maybe giving them each a copy would be a good place to begin.

Another thing, since they are very Bible focused, here is a NON CATHOLIC book to give them:

amazon.com/Where-Bible-Debt-Catholic-Church/dp/0895557967/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1234885007&sr=8-1
Where We Got the Bible… Our Debt to the Catholic Church (Paperback)

by Henry G. Graham

From the way you describe their Pastor, I’d bet you lunch that they are being coached by him. He is going through a list of “questions that confound those d%^& Catholics” type of document or book. One of the tactics that they use is to shotgun questions, not take one thing at a time, but to pile them on.

It may be wise to agree that you will exchange weekly emails on ONE topic (knowing full well that the pastor will be the one who actually composes the message), and then you can go to a good Apologist/sources and get the responses. Steve Ray’s website www.catholic-convert.com has a fantastic Apologetics fourm, where they have assisted many other converts in exactly this same type of disucssion.

Define what are authoritative sources about Catholicism.

Heck, you might just invite them to RCIA classes with you.

One more website that you may find of interest, to show them how much of the Bible you hear at every Mass.

catecheticsonline.com/apologetics_mass.php

 

[Anne1964]

Being the only Catholic in a family of Southern Baptists, I sympathize with you. It has been my experience that people like this aren’t interested in hearing anything you say. They just want to convert you to their religion. They will pretend to listen, then after you have finished speaking, will use the same arguments they began with.

It is extremely frustrating to converse with them. Again, their goal is not to listen to you, but to change you. They are not interested in your opinions at all. And yes, it is very controlling behavior.

As I am not good at apologetics, I refuse to discuss religion at all with my family. I find the circular arguments to be exhausting and pointless.

 

[Arlene]

My personality tends to lean toward the sarcastic side, so I can get away with saying some things just by the way I say say them, so this might not work for you. But depending on your personality and/or your relationship with your inlaws, you might say something like:

Are you asking me because you want to know the answer, or do you just want to argue?

If they just want to argue (which 10-1 is what it is) steer all conversations away from religion.

Why do you Catholics worship Mary.
Crazy weather we’ve been having.

You Catholics blah, blah, blah,
How about those Steelers?

Boundaries with inlaws can be a tricky thing. It is an ongoing battle, and you have to keep on it. In 26 years, I still have to keep vigilant to make sure they don’t break down.

Congratulations on coming home to Rome.

 

[Schluns]

After reading everyone’s responses, I really don’t have anything to add, except one thing:

(Is there a smiley for pulls out hair?? Lol)

I think that this :banghead: is what you were searching for.

I’ve been there with my family. All I could do was to get my brother to agree, that I still believe in God, the Son and the Holy Spirit and nothing is going to change that.

Then I went and stuck my head in the books for the next 18 months until I could answer him.

 

[Erich]

Is there a smiley for pulls out hair??

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And now they want us to come over to their house every single Sunday afternoon for Bible studies, because they’re “curious and just want to learn”

A good start might be all the Bible references in this link, which concludes as follows:

Here, then, is the summary of what we find in Scripture: no man can take the responsibility or title of “pastor” to himself. Rather, he must be sent by God, either indirectly (via succession), or directly (via extraordinary calling). If he claims the latter, his mission must be accompanied by miracles, signs and wonders as proof of his Divine vocation. This is the crux of my challenge to you, if you are a Protestant pastor: by what authority do you claim your office? By succession? If so, demonstrate that you were called by a superior authority who himself had a legitimate claim to his office. By extraordinary calling? If so, then show the required signs and wonders that authenticate your ministry.

In conclusion, I say to you: you must be absolutely sure, for your own soul’s sake, that your calling is legitimate. In Numbers 16, Korah set himself up as an illegitimate authority against God’s appointed authorities, and was destroyed for his audacious act. This problem has not disappeared in our day, for we find St. Jude warning us of falling into the same sin:

“Woe to them! For they walk in the way of Cain, and abandon themselves for the sake of gain to Balaam’s error, and perish in Korah’s rebellion.” (Jude 11)

You may choose to brush this challenge aside, but that will not absolve you of the account that you will have to give before God one day regarding these issues. I invite to ask yourself, honestly: have you set yourself up illegitimately against the legitimate authorities who can prove their mission by succession? Are you in danger of being destroyed for committing Korah’s sin?

One side note, to those of you who read this who are not pastors: this same challenge applies secondarily to you. Are you certain that the man who shepherds your soul is a legitimate leader? Or are you following a self-appointed shepherd who is in rebellion against God’s appointed authorities?

 

[whatevergirl]

Live your life as the example of your faith. There was a famous saint…can NEVER remember his name…who said…‘teach people the faith, use words if necessary.’ I’m getting it wrong, but that’s the gist. I have a few inlaws who are Lutheran, who were Catholic, and converted, actually…and feel the need to always share why they left the Catholic Church. Most of their reasons deal with the human failings…and not doctrine, of the Church. I explain…‘The Church is made of humans, and individuals’ weaknesses or sins doesn’t change doctrine.’ It is often a discussion in futility, but I consider it planting seeds. Just look at what you are doing as planting seeds.

I often say…‘we can agree to disagree,’ and leave it at that. The irony of non Catholics accusing Catholics of worshipping priests, etc…is interesting. Our priesthood dates back to St Peter, who was appointed the first ‘pope’ by Christ…yet they follow Martin Luther, a man who has no ties to Scripture whatsoever. The Reformation was manmade…and not God given. I have always found that ironic when talking about the Papacy with non Catholics.

 

[tnbella7]

I think your issues aren’t so much evangelical vs. Catholicism. It sounds more like a boundary issue. If you still feel obligated to see them at least once a month, set a time limit (two hours including a meal at a restaurant). Call once a week to maintain contact. And enjoy the life you and your husband are building together as a Catholic family. If they insist on bringing it up, tell them you will be forced to leave as they don’t actually want answers. They just want to voice their opinions.

 

[Mark77]

God Bless you for your witness to your in-laws.

Remember, it is not your job to change their minds, that is God’s choice.

It is your job to be a Holy example and to spread the seed of Love, which is Jesus Christ.

It sounds like they truly love Jesus, which is a great starting point.

They are obviously misinformed about the Catholic Church, which is extremely common, even among a number of Catholics.

Start with the common love of Jesus and focus on the Church’s Scriptural basis. Tradition, the Magisterium and Liturgy can come in later.

Your loving example will convince them over time, be patient and realize that their objections will cause you to research and learn to defend your faith more solidly.

Ask them if they truly love Jesus. They obviously do.

Then ask them “What if Jesus really did establish His Church, the Catholic Church, through Peter as the first pope and the Apostles and their successors over 2000 years”.

The Eucharist is the key! Focus on John 6 and all of the other Scriptural evidence, backed up by the Early Church Fathers and the Liturgical practices from day one.

Ask them “What if Jesus really is present for us in the Eucharist and you refused His loving gift?”

“And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.” Jn 6:35 (KJV)

“I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever: and the bread that I will give is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.” Jn 6:51 (KJV).

There is no way that the Eucharist is symbolic as many protestants believe. “the bread that I give is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world”. Jesus died on the Cross for our sins, no symbol, actual flesh given for the life of the world!

Once they realize the Eucharist is Jesus and that He gave us His Catholic Church to bring His Body to us through all the ages, they will come around.

I assume they use the KJV, so quote Scripture from the KJV so they can’t use the “wrong bible” issue.

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

Mark

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

There was a famous saint…can NEVER remember his name…who said…‘teach people the faith, use words if necessary.’ I’m getting it wrong, but that’s the gist.

…yet they follow Martin Luther, a man who has no ties to Scripture whatsoever.

“Always teach the Gospel. Use words if necessary.” Thas was St. Francis of Assisi. A CRAZY, CRAZY guy . He WAS called by God, in a direct and supernatural way (Jesus Christ appeared to him many times, Our Blessed Lady, Angels appeared to him). In contrast to many Evangelical pastors, who, I don’t doubt, feel a calling in their soul, but it’s still not the same direct way in which God was leading St. Francis. And yet St. Francis stayed obedient to the Church and to the Pope, all the way. When he first went to see the Pope, the Pope told him, go to the pigsty (well he obviously looked uncared for, having lived in utter poverty). St. Francis happily ran out, rolled in the pigsty, and came back to see the Pope . This convinced the Pope that St. Francis was fully obedient, at a time when the Church was challenged by powerful groups of heretics and rebels (Albigensian, Cathari groups). Thus the Pope gave him approval to start the Franciscan order, which resulted in a great renewal of the Church, a great Reform if you wish, with a new emphasis on Gospel poverty in the midst of a materialistic world.

Contrast that to Martin Luther, who did not stay on a path of obedience, although he was an Augustinian monk and probably had taken a vow of poverty, chastity and obedience (he also got married breaking his vow of chastity, if he had taken such a vow).

 

[eleutheria]

I assume they use the KJV, so quote Scripture from the KJV so they can’t use the “wrong bible” issue.

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

Mark

Interesting assumption. They use a lot of different Bibles. Our old church mostly used the NIV (and that’s where they go). Please remember, I’ve always been an evangelical Christian up until now, and I’ve always accepted many different translations of the Bible.

 

[eleutheria]

.
. The irony of non Catholics accusing Catholics of worshipping priests, etc…is interesting. Our priesthood dates back to St Peter, who was appointed the first ‘pope’ by Christ…yet they follow Martin Luther, a man who has no ties to Scripture whatsoever. The Reformation was manmade…and not God given. I have always found that ironic when talking about the Papacy with non Catholics.

Let’s be fair. They don’t see it as following Martin Luther. In fact, most evangelical Protestants don’t consider church history at all. I know I didn’t. I thought that I was following a faith that looked physically like the one in the Bible, so I was the closest to it and that’s what most evangelicals believe and seek, a faith that they believe looks like the Bible. And admittedly, even now, at first glance, it does seem like evangelicals look the part more so than Catholics (or anyone liturgical for that matter). However, looking deeper, it’s not true.

But then they look at the Catholic church who appears to them to look like more than the Bible. To them, to me before, the Bible looks very simplistic and it looks like the Catholic church is more complicating, which I totally understand.

 

[eleutheria]

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