Everytime I see him I want to cry

[Hoosier1991]

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this post…if not let me know.

I went on a few dates with this guy that I’ve known since high school (he’s now 22, I’m 21).
For whatever reason, nothing came of it. He said he liked me, but he’s not ready for a relationship (he recently broke up with his gf of 3 years).

Maybe thats was a nice way of letting me down, maybe it was true - but the bottom line is we’re not going to be together. I decided to just let that one go and try to move on.

We have a ton of mutual friends who all keep telling me that C still likes me…that I should wait for him…that he talks about me and genuinly wants to be with me, but that he really needs time. So I keep telling them “Thats great, he’s a nice guy, I like him, but I’m not going to wait. If I’m still looking for a relationship when he’s ‘ready’ then we’ll go from there.”

Thing is, I’ve recently decided I’m not going to date anyone for a little while. I’m taking this oportunity to consider a vocation - something thats been tugging at me for awhile. And not having a boyfriend makes that easier. Sounds all good, right?

Well we go to the same school, and I run into him a lot. And everytime I run into him, and everytime he smiles and waves at me…I want to cry. Its pathetic. I smile and wave back at him, then I feel like my day is ruined. I really, really like him.

How can I stop feeling so sad everytime I see this boy that, for whatever reasons, I can’t bee with?

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am terribly sorry you are going through this and sadly it can take a LOT of time to get over a crush.

I would NOT listen to the people who tell you he likes you. By the time a man is 22, he is old enough to ask a girl out by himself and if isn’t asking you out, he does not want to date you.

Pray to God for comfort

 

[underacloud]

I would NOT listen to the people who tell you he likes you. By the time a man is 22, he is old enough to ask a girl out by himself and if isn’t asking you out, he does not want to date you.

Yes.

Your friends should leave such childish games in high-school where they belong. You’re both adults now and if he wants to date you, he can just ask.

For your own sanity it might be best to stay away from him for a while, while you determine your potential vocation. God may have marriage in mind for you after all, but offering it to Him will be the best way to sort it out.

 

[chevalier]

How can I stop feeling so sad everytime I see this boy that, for whatever reasons, I can’t bee with?

Hey, Hoosier. Well. I think you need to allow yourself to admit that you’re sad. You can live with being sad, especially if you have a good reason to be. After all, you aren’t acting like it’s the end of the world, you’re simply sad because it seemed there was an opportunity to be with a nice, promising person and then the opportunity turned into a disappointment. That’s not something supposed to make you feel elated, right?

So I’d focus more on living with the sadness (not wallowing in it but coping with it and going on despite it) than trying desperately to keep it away, let alone pretending that it doesn’t exist.

And as for the reasons you can’t be with him, they aren’t an unknown! It’s not whatever reasons, it’s because he isn’t ready for a relationship and because you aren’t prepared to wait for him to be ready. You gave these reasons yourself.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this post…if not let me know.

I went on a few dates with this guy that I’ve known since high school (he’s now 22, I’m 21).
For whatever reason, nothing came of it. He said he liked me, but he’s not ready for a relationship (he recently broke up with his gf of 3 years).

Maybe thats was a nice way of letting me down, maybe it was true - but the bottom line is we’re not going to be together. I decided to just let that one go and try to move on.

We have a ton of mutual friends who all keep telling me that C still likes me…that I should wait for him…that he talks about me and genuinly wants to be with me, but that he really needs time. So I keep telling them “Thats great, he’s a nice guy, I like him, but I’m not going to wait. If I’m still looking for a relationship when he’s ‘ready’ then we’ll go from there.”

Thing is, I’ve recently decided I’m not going to date anyone for a little while. I’m taking this oportunity to consider a vocation - something thats been tugging at me for awhile. And not having a boyfriend makes that easier. Sounds all good, right?

Well we go to the same school, and I run into him a lot. And everytime I run into him, and everytime he smiles and waves at me…I want to cry. Its pathetic. I smile and wave back at him, then I feel like my day is ruined. I really, really like him.

How can I stop feeling so sad everytime I see this boy that, for whatever reasons, I can’t bee with?

Oh, honey, I’m sorry!!! This really stinks. :hug1: I agree with the other posters; he’s not a hormonal, immature teenager anymore. If he likes you, he will come out and say it, and do something about it. My advice to you (and I know that this is hard) is to stop waiting for him. You don’t have to date anyone immediately if you don’t feel ready, but I think it’s important that you realize that you could potentially wait forever for something that’s not going to happen. You sound like a great girl who deserves a fantastic guy; just keep praying, and I’m sure he will come along. Meanwhile, have fun with friends, develop your relationship with God; everything will fall into place in due time. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If not, I am sure you will find a great guy.

 

[silentfactor80]

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this post…if not let me know.

I went on a few dates with this guy that I’ve known since high school (he’s now 22, I’m 21).
For whatever reason, nothing came of it. He said he liked me, but he’s not ready for a relationship (he recently broke up with his gf of 3 years).

Maybe thats was a nice way of letting me down, maybe it was true - but the bottom line is we’re not going to be together. I decided to just let that one go and try to move on.

We have a ton of mutual friends who all keep telling me that C still likes me…that I should wait for him…that he talks about me and genuinly wants to be with me, but that he really needs time. So I keep telling them “Thats great, he’s a nice guy, I like him, but I’m not going to wait. If I’m still looking for a relationship when he’s ‘ready’ then we’ll go from there.”

Thing is, I’ve recently decided I’m not going to date anyone for a little while. I’m taking this oportunity to consider a vocation - something thats been tugging at me for awhile. And not having a boyfriend makes that easier. Sounds all good, right?

Well we go to the same school, and I run into him a lot. And everytime I run into him, and everytime he smiles and waves at me…I want to cry. Its pathetic. I smile and wave back at him, then I feel like my day is ruined. I really, really like him.

How can I stop feeling so sad everytime I see this boy that, for whatever reasons, I can’t bee with?

It looks like you’ve received plenty advice from the female perspective so I will throw the male perspective in there. He may not want to jump in a relationship with you because he doesn’t want you to feel like the “rebound girl.” I personally would feel bad asking a girl out that I once had a crush on so soon after ending a 3 year relationship with another. Also, maybe it isn’t really over with the other girl yet. Sometimes people say it is over but there is still some communication going on.

Lastly, I will differ on what the others said about expecting him to confess his feelings to you. There is no reason in the world why you can’t be honest about your feelings for him first. Perhaps if you got it off your chest it would help you move on. My friends fiancee made the first move in their relationship and the 2 of them are quite happy. Women shouldn’t have to hide their true feelings because some silly cultural tradition says the guy has to reveal them first.

If your friend is a good guy he will understand your feelings and respect you for your honesty. Just don’t go in expecting anything. Tell him you understand he needs to sort things out but that you also need to be honest with him. There is no shame in having an interest in someone. There is only shame in not respecting that another human being likes you.

 

[Chantal25]

Sometime, we grieves the potential or the aspect that we see in this person that is complementary to us. I say figure what is it and know it is in you and you can develop these aspects. You will be able to move on easily and effortless after.

I agree, he is old enough to ask you out, i would move on. Also, i don’t know your situation but i hope that you choose abstinence until marriage. If you haven’t, consider to do this from now on. Sadly, men wants just the intimacy and no commitment but if the women stand her ground about this, she cans only have great reward later in life. From now on, say No until you meet the trust worthy man.

All the best!

 

[silentfactor80]

Sometime, we grieves the potential or the aspect that we see in this person that is complementary to us. I say figure what is it and know it is in you and you can develop these aspects. You will be able to move on easily and effortless after.

I agree, he is old enough to ask you out, i would move on. Also, i don’t know your situation but i hope that you choose abstinence until marriage. If you haven’t, consider to do this from now on. **Sadly, men wants just the intimacy and no commitment but if the women stand her ground about this, she cans only have great reward later in life. **From now on, say No until you meet the trust worthy man.

All the best!

Thanks stereotyping us guys! A lot of women these days fall into that same category. An ex-gf of mine (we were abstinent) would go ON and ON and ON about all the great sex (and perverted sex) she wanted when we got married (never happened thank God) which included playing outside of the marriage. When I told her I did not want 3/4 of the stuff she was offering she flew off the handle at me, called me immature, and said any guy would kill to be in my shoes. OK? So yeah, not all women are the benevolent little angels your post suggests.

 

[FriendlyFace]

Thanks stereotyping us guys! A lot of women these days fall into that same category. An ex-gf of mine (we were abstinent) would go ON and ON and ON about all the great sex (and perverted sex) she wanted when we got married (never happened thank God) which included playing outside of the marriage. When I told her I did not want 3/4 of the stuff she was offering she flew off the handle at me, called me immature, and said any guy would kill to be in my shoes. OK? So yeah, not all women are the benevolent little angels your post suggests.

Calm down! She was just talking about guys who pursue sex without commitment. Clearly a man who refrains from sex before marriage isn’t doing any such thing. And your ex-girlfriend isn’t typical.

 

[Hoosier1991]

Hi everyone - thanks for all the replies, advice, and support.

Let me just clear a few things up…

I would NOT listen to the people who tell you he likes you. By the time a man is 22, he is old enough to ask a girl out by himself and if isn’t asking you out, he does not want to date you.

This sentiment seems to be echoed a lot in your replies. For the record, I’m not listening to the people who tell me he likes me. Whether or not he actually does is sort of a moot point, in my opinion, because either way he doesn’t want to be with me…and I have to accept that

Its more of an annoyance that our friends keep telling me this. Does that make sense?

I agree, he is old enough to ask you out, i would move on. Also, i don’t know your situation but i hope that you choose abstinence until marriage. If you haven’t, consider to do this from now on. Sadly, men wants just the intimacy and no commitment but if the women stand her ground about this, she cans only have great reward later in life. From now on, say No until you meet the trust worthy man.

I know that many men are like this. The guy I’m talking about, however, is not one of them. He obviously has his flaws, no one’s perfect, but he’s not that kind of guy. I’ve knowing him many years and I’ve seen how he treats his girlfriends. He’s very respectful to women in general. He’s a genuinly nice guy, this is one of the reasons I like him…which sort of makes it this situation even harder! If he was a jerk, I’d have a lot less trouble getting over him!

Silenfactor, thanks for the male perspective. Trust me, he knows I like him, I told him once very clearly…but I think bringing it up now would be pressing the issue. I think he needs his space and I have to give it.

Right now the best things for me, I know, is to move one. Is just hard when I run into him constantly!

Thanks again everyone!

 

[Lisa1967]

I feel for you, Hoosier. When I was a junior, a guy broke up with me. It was very painful. He lived on my floor so I saw him a lot. I ended up moving back home for my senior year.

 

[Chantal25]

Thanks stereotyping us guys! A lot of women these days fall into that same category. An ex-gf of mine (we were abstinent) would go ON and ON and ON about all the great sex (and perverted sex) she wanted when we got married (never happened thank God) which included playing outside of the marriage. When I told her I did not want 3/4 of the stuff she was offering she flew off the handle at me, called me immature, and said any guy would kill to be in my shoes. OK? So yeah, not all women are the benevolent little angels your post suggests.

My deep apologies, i typed quite fast and i should have said some men. I agree that there are great and wonderful men. Sadly, there are many that see a woman as an object and forget that she is a daughter of God.

So sorry again for my reply and thank you for pointing this out. I hope you forgive me but until then, i pray for you to be at peace.

 

[Chantal25]

I know that many men are like this. The guy I’m talking about, however, is not one of them. He obviously has his flaws, no one’s perfect, but he’s not that kind of guy. I’ve knowing him many years and I’ve seen how he treats his girlfriends. He’s very respectful to women in general. He’s a genuinly nice guy, this is one of the reasons I like him…which sort of makes it this situation even harder! If he was a jerk, I’d have a lot less trouble getting over him!

It seems that you are looking for a wonderful man, kind and respectful. You will find this great person, in the mid time, if he was into you, it wouldn’t have matter that he broke up with the other person. He wouldn’t want to lose sight on you.

I am so sorry but you will need to let him go. I can promise you that at some point, you will wonder why you were interested in him. You are so young, you will see life from a different perspective and you taste will change too.

All the best!

 

[Anglewannabe]

This sentiment seems to be echoed a lot in your replies. For the record, I’m not listening to the people who tell me he likes me. Whether or not he actually does is sort of a moot point, in my opinion, because either way he doesn’t want to be with me…and I have to accept that

Its more of an annoyance that our friends keep telling me this. Does that make sense?

Yes that makes sense. Just tell these people you longer want to talk about him. If they are true friends they will quit saying it

 

[Anglewannabe]

Lastly, I will differ on what the others said about expecting him to confess his feelings to you. There is no reason in the world why you can’t be honest about your feelings for him first. Perhaps if you got it off your chest it would help you move on. My friends fiancee made the first move in their relationship and the 2 of them are quite happy. Women shouldn’t have to hide their true feelings because some silly cultural tradition says the guy has to reveal them first.
.

I am not discrediting your advice. However, I think you missed the point that they did go out and the guy decided he no longer wanted to date her. The guy is the one who broke it off

 

[silentfactor80]

I am not discrediting your advice. However, I think you missed the point that they did go out and the guy decided he no longer wanted to date her. The guy is the one who broke it off

The way I read it was that they dated in HS (age < 18) and now that they are past college (age 21). I also understood that the guy had a gf in between that he broke up with while the OP only dated him in HS. Sometimes as people mature their outlook on what makes a good relationship changes. The OP said she knows well how he feels so that being said, I would say that is the best anyone can do. It is ok to move on. Maybe she could explore a hobby or interest for personal enrichment?

FriendlyFace:

Calm down! She was just talking about guys who pursue sex without commitment. Clearly a man who refrains from sex before marriage isn’t doing any such thing. And your ex-girlfriend isn’t typical.

She may not have been typical at the time but times are changing. Ever hear of the TV show “Glee?” Yeah that’s what the teen crowd is into these days. Also, recent research showed about half the teenage boys that have sex did so at their partner’s encouragement (ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17537500). I think it is dangerous to blindly accept stereotypes because you could totally be missing the overall problem. To say women don’t use men for material gain or as objects is rather false.

 

[silentfactor80]

My deep apologies, i typed quite fast and i should have said some men. I agree that there are great and wonderful men. Sadly, there are many that see a woman as an object and forget that she is a daughter of God.

So sorry again for my reply and thank you for pointing this out. I hope you forgive me but until then, i pray for you to be at peace.

No problem…I’m the forgiving type lol! There are many men that treat women like objects but there are also a lot of women that treat men like a tool. Some women give a guy a list of things he has to do or buy for them. If he protests, the tears start rolling or he gets accused of “not loving her.” Or there are some women who when they don’t get their way go out and bash their man to their friends. As a guy, if I ever heard the lady in my life bashing me to her friends the relationship would be over in a heartbeat. I don’t think women really know how bad that hurts a man but then again “men don’t have feelings so who cares?”

 

[Chantal25]

No problem…I’m the forgiving type lol!

This is wonderful.

There are quite of bit of misunderstand and misbehavior from both part but again there are wonderful men and women. I am not perfect and i am sorry that your feeling were hurts. I am guilty of some of what you experienced but we can all learn.

Love and blessings!

 

[FriendlyFace]

silentfactor80:

Quote:

She may not have been typical at the time but times are changing. Ever hear of the TV show “Glee?” Yeah that’s what the teen crowd is into these days. Also, recent research showed about half the teenage boys that have sex did so at their partner’s encouragement ( ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17537500). I think it is dangerous to blindly accept stereotypes because you could totally be missing the overall problem. To say women don’t use men for material gain or as objects is rather false.

I didn’t say no women use men for material gain or as objects. I said your ex girlfriend isn’t typical. Big difference.

I’m not the one stereotyping. I like men a lot in a general way. I like women a lot to. I think both men and women in general want to find lasting love, no matter how wrong-headed their approach may be. But there are bad apples, and you have to watch out for them in either sex.

I don’t think teenage girls who encourage their boyfriends to have sex are necessarily wanting to use them. When I was that age, I always assumed I was going to marry the guy I had a crush on. Teenagers are largely encouraged by our secular culture to have sex, and I think that they often go into it naively without understanding the consequences sex will have in their lives. They believe the lies our culture feeds them about safe sex.

At any rate, having a low opinion of either sex in general is a distorted way of looking at things.

As for the OP’s original question, I think she should avoid him as much as possible, but continue to be friendly if she does see him. It might be good to date if she can stomach it because it would get her thinking about guys other than him, but if she doesn’t feel up to it, she doesn’t. She should, I think, act as if he’s never coming back, and then if he does come back, she can decide if she wants to date him then, and they can discern things from there.

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[silentfactor80]

I didn’t say no women use men for material gain or as objects. I said your ex girlfriend isn’t typical. Big difference.

I’m not the one stereotyping. I like men a lot in a general way. I like women a lot to. I think both men and women in general want to find lasting love, no matter how wrong-headed their approach may be. But there are bad apples, and you have to watch out for them in either sex.

**I don’t think teenage girls who encourage their boyfriends to have sex are necessarily wanting to use them. When I was that age, I always assumed I was going to marry the guy I had a crush on. **Teenagers are largely encouraged by our secular culture to have sex, and I think that they often go into it naively without understanding the consequences sex will have in their lives. They believe the lies our culture feeds them about safe sex.

At any rate, having a low opinion of either sex in general is a distorted way of looking at things.

As for the OP’s original question, I think she should avoid him as much as possible, but continue to be friendly if she does see him. It might be good to date if she can stomach it because it would get her thinking about guys other than him, but if she doesn’t feel up to it, she doesn’t. She should, I think, act as if he’s never coming back, and then if he does come back, she can decide if she wants to date him then, and they can discern things from there.

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Agree with what you said but the bold irked me a bit. Your first statement assumes guys are emotionless and do not experience an emotional bond with a woman. The fact of the matter is science has shown that claim to be absolutely false.

I also wonder if those crushes you talk about are really “selfless love” or just a shot of endorphins released by your brain to someone you are attracted to. Recent studies have show that “romantic love” can be an addiction. It may well be fair to charge guys with “only wanting one thing” (though I don’t think so) but is using a guy to satisfy your chemical craving for a romance really any different? What if you no longer feel that chemical attraction for your husband and start feeling it for another guy?

The funny thing about emotions is they are not constant and they can change. We make this big to do these days about emotion being the gold standard but emotion often leads to irrational behavior.