Ex-wife sleeps with 13 year old son in the same bed

  • Thread starter Thread starter Armor_of_Light
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Armor_of_Light said:
Well, I am very lucky in that regard!

My wife’s whole family are lawyers…no shortage of help there! And I get the ‘friends and family discount’. I try not to bother them with my former life though…
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You really need a lawyer. In this case, it might be worth it to pay for one outside your family. I’ve heard of stories of parents in your shoes losing even visitation with their children because of how they handled a situation. The fact that your son prefers his mother to you makes it an even more difficult situation.
 
Armor_of_Light said:
Well, I am very lucky in that regard!

My wife’s whole family are lawyers…no shortage of help there! And I get the ‘friends and family discount’. I try not to bother them with my former life though…
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Hey, just remember that your sons are not your “former life.” Your new family gets to live with you and see you every day - your “former life” sons do not. That sucks and is not fair to them at all. I know you understand that but I just needed to thump you on the head about using that term.
 
Is your ex-wife from a culture where co-sleeping is more acceptable? I know a Korean family and an Indian one who co-sleep with their older children, though not as old as 13. Also, my mom came from a very poor family where all the children shared a bed until puberty – my mom shared a bed with her brother until she was 12. So, it could be innocent, but in the absence of a cultural tradition, I agree that its a red flag. You should get the kid checked out by a child psychologist.
 
mafh said:
Is your ex-wife from a culture where co-sleeping is more acceptable? I know a Korean family and an Indian one who co-sleep with their older children, though not as old as 13. Also, my mom came from a very poor family where all the children shared a bed until puberty – my mom shared a bed with her brother until she was 12. So, it could be innocent, but in the absence of a cultural tradition, I agree that its a red flag. You should get the kid checked out by a child psychologist.
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No…she passes for a normal American. I’m quite sure her parents and siblings know nothing about this.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Hey, just remember that your sons are not your “former life.” Your new family gets to live with you and see you every day - your “former life” sons do not. That sucks and is not fair to them at all. I know you understand that but I just needed to thump you on the head about using that term.
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Wow.

A man cannot get through any discussion without getting thumped on the head for something. 🤷

No need to reply with a more drawn out explaination of how I am wrong. Noted.
 
Ok, cosleeping aside, which I am still trying to decide my position on I think that it it completely inappropriate to insinuate that you son has Stockholm Syndrome when it comes to living with his mother. That is a huge thing to say, and it is not applicable when a child just isn’t excited about visiting the noncustodial parent.

He’s 13. You only only see him every Wednesday and every other weekend. Chances are he does not view your home as a second home, and he’s getting to the age where pulling him out of his home for those short visits every other weekend and every Wednesday are going to start feeling more like an inconvenience and an interruption of his daily life than a special time with dad. Especially if you have children that you parent full-time. Yes, chances are he’s going to be annoyed at best, resentful at worst. That’s just the nature of being 13, and when you have divorced parents and are being passed back and forth like that the annoyance and resentment does tend to build. That’s true whether or not his mom is normal or abusive.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Ok, cosleeping aside, which I am still trying to decide my position on I think that it it completely inappropriate to insinuate that you son has Stockholm Syndrome when it comes to living with his mother. That is a huge thing to say, and it is not applicable when a child just isn’t excited about visiting the noncustodial parent.

He’s 13. You only only see him every Wednesday and every other weekend. Chances are he does not view your home as a second home, and he’s getting to the age where pulling him out of his home for those short visits every other weekend and every Wednesday are going to start feeling more like an inconvenience and an interruption of his daily life than a special time with dad. Especially if you have children that you parent full-time. Yes, chances are he’s going to be annoyed at best, resentful at worst. That’s just the nature of being 13, and when you have divorced parents and are being passed back and forth like that the annoyance and resentment does tend to build. That’s true whether or not his mom is normal or abusive.
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+1

Armour of Light,

Be very careful before you get lawyers or CPS involved unless you are really sure that something inappropriate is going on. By itself, your son sleeping in mom’s bed isn’t against any law and abuse is a BIG accusation that could come back to haunt you later.

A gentler approach might be to suggest some family therapy on the basis of “the kids are older now and how we interact as a blended family is evolving”.
 
Corki said:
+1 Armour of Light, Be very careful before you get lawyers or CPS involved unless you are really sure that something inappropriate is going on. By itself, your son sleeping in mom’s bed isn’t against any law and abuse is a BIG accusation that could come back to haunt you later. A gentler approach might be to suggest some family therapy on the basis of “the kids are older now and how we interact as a blended family is evolving”.
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The only thing I’m accusing anyone of is that:

IT IS INAPPROPRIATE FOR MY EX WIFE TO ALLOW MY 13 YEAR OLD SON TO CO-SLEEP WITH HER.

Are you guys seriously suggesting that I HAVE A PROBLEM?

She is fine…not breaking any laws. I have a problem by even suggesting it is damaging him? ARE YOU SERIOUS??
 
AoL,

Would my mind automatically jump to abuse if it were a father sleeping with his daughter? That really depends, and I have been thinking about your situation as though it was reversed too. It would depend on how I found out about it, what possible extenuating circumstances there could be, how both the parent and the child feel about it, and so on.

It is possible that he may be having anxiety or other issues and his mother is handling it the only way she knows how. It isn’t the best way, but she may just be doing her best. That’s why I think that a calm discussion and maybe family counseling is preferable to flying off the handle and making unsubstantiated claims against your ex wife.

Yes, worst case scenario this could indicate abuse, but sharing a bed is not in and of itself abuse.
 
Man, this is a tough one.

Years ago when I was divorced, my kids were 6 yr old girl & 9 yr old boy. Ours was a very ugly divorce. He left for a “friend” of mine.

At first, I remember both kids wanting to sleep w/ me. I allowed it for a while. At some point in time, I decided it was time for all to get in their own beds. I remember this was well received by all.

I would say you have every right to say something. Prayers offered for you to find the right words.
 
Please calm yourself… I don’t think anyone meant to upset you.

I think it is abnormal. But, I think you shouldn’t jump to conclusions about the cause. Yes, it could be child abuse (either sexual or emotional). Or, it could just be poor parenting on your wife’s part. Or, it could be that your son is experiencing some sort of delay in emotional development that is causing him to express behavior that is more typical of younger children, and your wife is just providing nurturing support that would be appropiate for younger children. In any of those cases (or others I may not have thought of), he needs to be evaluated by a professional, which none of us are.

The least stressful way to deal with this would be to talk to your ex-wife and explain that you are worried about your son. Offer to pay for him to go to counseling/therapy. Offer to take him to counseling during your days with him. Make it about your son, not about her and her parenting. If she agrees, then hopefully you will find out what is going on with your son and the problem can get fixed. If she doesn’t agree, then that’s when you go the child protective services route.
 
…Whats the big deal? I don’t see any problem with that. Seriously. Nothing depresses me more to see thread after thread of people telling someone their kids are mentally screwed up, or need a shrink, when they’re not describing anything that I did’t do/want/experience.

You people need to chill and realize abnormal =/= wrong!
 
Armor_of_Light said:
The only thing I’m accusing anyone of is that:

IT IS INAPPROPRIATE FOR MY EX WIFE TO ALLOW MY 13 YEAR OLD SON TO CO-SLEEP WITH HER.

Are you guys seriously suggesting that I HAVE A PROBLEM?

She is fine…not breaking any laws. I have a problem by even suggesting it is damaging him? ARE YOU SERIOUS??
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WHY IS IT SO WRONG?! I wish MY dad would have let me sleep with him once in a while! It’s emotional, it’s calming, it’s an innocent way to show affection! WHATS SO SICK AND WRONG WITH WANTING THAT?!
 
Katarina90 said:
WHY IS IT SO WRONG?! I wish MY dad would have let me sleep with him once in a while! It’s emotional, it’s calming, it’s an innocent way to show affection! WHATS SO SICK AND WRONG WITH WANTING THAT?!
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Please calm yourself. The problem with this situation is that it could be nothing, or it could be something very serious. The only way a non-custodial parent could be sure is to have the child examined by a professional.
 
mafh said:
Please calm yourself. The problem with this situation is that it could be nothing, or it could be something very serious. The only way a non-custodial parent could be sure is to have the child examined by a professional.
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Yep. I think that both sides need to calm themselves on this issue.

But let’s remember that he is 13. Even if there is no abuse here (and in all reality there probably isn’t) he probably does have some emotional issues or stunted development to want to sleep with his mom at that age. Not that sleeping with her caused it, but that the cosleeping is a symptom.
 
Katarina90 said:
WHY IS IT SO WRONG?! I wish MY dad would have let me sleep with him once in a while! It’s emotional, it’s calming,** it’s an innocent way to show affection!** WHATS SO SICK AND WRONG WITH WANTING THAT?!
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Not at 13. Minds and bodies start to develop and there are natural boundaries that need to be put into place. Thankfully, most of the time this happens naturally, but sometimes, one or both parties don’t put the right boundaries in place and then you have these situations where things are looking a little sketchy.
 
Armor_of_Light said:
Wow.

A man cannot get through any discussion without getting thumped on the head for something. 🤷

No need to reply with a more drawn out explaination of how I am wrong. Noted.
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Dude. Defensive much? I would have rather have seen your sons grow up with you than their mother. Any possibility of getting them away from her now? Boys need their dads when they are teenagers (well, all the time but especially during their teens).

You surely can see how much of a bummer it is for your sons to see you so infrequently - meanwhile the new kids get you all the time. Your sons get stiffed and on some level, they know it.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Dude. Defensive much? I would have rather have seen your sons grow up with you than their mother. Any possibility of getting them away from her now? Boys need their dads when they are teenagers (well, all the time but especially during their teens).

You surely can see how much of a bummer it is for your sons to see you so infrequently - meanwhile the new kids get you all the time. Your sons get stiffed and on some level, they know it.
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Then they would only see their mother part time. There really is no way for them to win on this one.

And before jumping to the conclusion that he would be a better parent just remember that there are two sides to every story, especially when it comes to divorce, custody, and parenting.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Then they would only see their mother part time. There really is no way for them to win on this one.

And before jumping to the conclusion that he would be a better parent just remember that there are two sides to every story, especially when it comes to divorce, custody, and parenting.
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Yes, I understand that. But boys maturing into men need less mothering and more fathering. It is a time when fathers in intact homes frequently find themselves stepping into the lead role with the boys, who will challenge their mom and tax her in all sorts of ways, hungering for a strong father to guide them into becoming strong and effective men.

I married a man whose father was not present during most of his life. Trust me, it makes for a messed-up psychology.
 
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