Exhusband wrote back...advise please

[MercyMia]

If he hasn’t replied, good…you either scared him off or he realized he isn’t getting to you so you aren’t enough fun to play with anymore. Just enjoy the rest of your day and don’t stress about him…you can’t control his behavior you can only control your own feelings and the way you act. If his awaited response is keeping you on edge all day, then he has already succeeded. If he does reply, just worry about that when it happens…Lord knows you have a full enough day to deal with already.

 

[embertx3]

About him contacting you at work…maybe add something like this: In the future, as it relates to non-emergency contact, I would appreciate it if you would send all correspondence via certified letter to my residence. Thank you.

Very good advise always have your letters be certified; also, add to your letter a cc: dd so he will know that you are keeping a file. You can show your dd someday that you made all the effort to work with your XH and all the loops that you have to jump to tackle his manipulation.

God bless

 

[iluvmybabies]

OK so I spoke too soon he wrote me back asking for my home address I have given him that information countless times…UGH!!!

this is the full message of what i wrote to him and what he wrote me back:
from M
To Ar:

“Oh can you please give me the mailing address sorry to bother you thank you -----”

Original

Message-----
Date: Thursday, October 01, 2009 11:12:16 am
To: "'M
From: "Ar

Subject: btw

“Your children are still into the same thing they have been into since I can remember, they still like dinosaurs, still like Ben ten, still like star wars, still like superman, batman, legos, spiderman and bratz, and barbies, and fashion designs, and pets, and makeup, and cooking…etc…etc…” this is what I wrote to him as per his request and many’s advise…

Any advice on response is greatly appreciated…

thank you all once more! Have a great day!

 

[iluvmybabies]

If he doesn’t write back, thank your lucky stars you don’t have to read it.

You can’t try to figure him out. It requires you to turn your brain inside out. Just figure no news is good news and a day without him in it is a sunny day.

It’s just the scary thing of fearing he will write again and he did…so yeah… And I agree a day without him I mean these past 4 months have been glorious without him!!

 

[Speak_Up]

If you don’t want him to contact you at work, STOP responding when he contacts you there! You are only encouraging him! And if there is a court order in place commanding him not to contact you there, YOU are violating it too by continuing to respond after telling him not to contact you at work anymore!

You should have stuck to the “communicate only by certified letter” thing, and not responded to his e-mail, but sent him the information in the mail.

By violating your own terms, you show him that you are not serious and are easily swayed. You also show him he can continue to violate your boundaries with no consequence. You are allowing him to manipulate you further by allowing him to dictate the parameters of your communications. If you are serious about not letting him have any ability to manipulate you, then stop handing him the levers!

 

[iluvmybabies]

*iluv, you’re more than welcome. :hug1:

RE: his ‘now’ wife…I think that some women will marry ANYONE. I don’t mean that offeneively, but any woman who would marry a man who didn’t want to have anything to do with his kids, is not thinking straight. I don’t care if she’s wearing a canary yellow 3 carat rock**…she ***probably bought it, considering he doesn’t have a job most of the time, from the sounds of it. Look at the news, women allow bf’s/husbands to beat/kill their kids, women who allow men to molest their kids, women like the one who married the Schiavio guy…remember him? I couldn’t believe that a woman would want to marry someone who was seeking to have his wife starved to death, ‘legally.’ But, there are so many women out there who want to be with ANY man, just a man…for whatever reason, I don’t know. But, obviously, they don’t feel good about themselves, so they just pick a man to fill the spot. Sad. Your ex is not a catch. The current wife is not ‘better off.’ She might be a nice person, but she doesn’t pick men wisely, from the sounds of it. And so it goes…

Your job now is to be a good mom to your kids, and to provide a path for him to be a good dad. What he does on that path–is up to him.

You have a full life, and a loving fiance. I hope things work out in that regard.

thanks I appreciate it…And yeah I saw a couple that went to jail because step dad helped her drown the kids with them being locked in the car still…It’s horrible…I don’t understand but I guess that’s life for you?!

I do too, since he wrote back will continue things short and sweet nothing personal and nothing rude because I don’t want to hear from him anymore on problems against me, even though once that cell phone comes I know my daughter will be hating me again…but I guess I have to start getting myself mentally and emotionally prepared to get her to the counselor again…

Thanks again!

 

[iluvmybabies]

The man has a right to know where is children live. If (God forbid) there were a horrible accident, he needs to know his children’s address.

How would you feel if you did not even know the street your kids lived on?

Of course I will give him the new address thanks! Well every time he wanted me to take the kids to fl I would refuse because he wouldn’t give me his home address…Still to this day I don’t know his home address…Why is it fair I have to give him mine and he can’t give me his???

 

[iluvmybabies]

Wow… reading this thread makes me shiver.

My ex husband is the EXACTLY the same.

He used emails and recorded conversations to make any attempt to make me look like a horrible person when he wasnt paying child support, seeing our son or sending birthday cards or Christmas presents. His ‘concern’ had nothing to do with our son. His concern was only how the emails would make him look.

Good for you for responding in that email.

My ex hasnt seen or spoken to our son in over 5 years. Funny how once court proceedings were over… he didnt care to write such emails to me.

You did the right thing with that email. Good for you.

God bless you!

Thanks I had great advise from great people here! AND I wouldn’t have thought of anything like that myself incapable of doing so! Not enough brain juice!! LOL jkjkjk But anyhow, that’s terrible I am sorry to hear about that…And that’s how it kind of went after our divorce it was “OH I LOVE MY KIDS BLAH BLAH BLAH!” then he stopped calling writing or anythign all together…Now he has to go back to court and all has to be perfect and good…all the time…UGH!

I got a response will send him what he wants and like I said keep it short and sweet…I feel sorry for all these kids that deal with men like my ex makes me wonder what’s worst? Not hearing from their fathers ever or being manipulated by them and hurt and disappointed by them when they do???

 

[joandarc2008]

You need to stop all that negative talk towards yourself. You are a bright and caring woman - you are Catholic.

Instead of saying I don’t have enough brain juice - say that you are having difficulty concentrating. If you lower your self esteem then he doesn’t need to do it for you.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Why are you sitting, waiting with bated breath to see if he responds? How many times have you checked your e-mail this morning, looking for a message from him?

Seems you are dwelling in the drama to me… maybe you thrive on it the same as he does. Perhaps not to the same level, but the fact that you’re anticipating the next shot so much that you posted just to tell us that indicates to me that as much as he may not be over you, you aren’t totally over your relationship with him, either.

Might be something to discuss with a counselor. If you are going to move forward into a new marriage in a healthy way, you have got to disengage from this emotional attachment you have to your ex.

None from him… At all…I was so thankful not to get one…went to get something to eat and came back there he was… Oh well…

Technically I don’t look forward to knowing he’s alive let alone to know he will write to me…I have been at peace not ever finding an email from him all these months let alone wait for him to respond to me… Sorry that’s not true…Just because I have lived with him and know that once he starts he doesn’t stop it’s what’s driving me nuts about it… So I am not attached to him I don’t want to have anything to do with him…The emotions behind it is something hard to fight against from all I went through because of him before and after our marriage…this is not something I can just forget about it’s something I have lived with since I first met him when I was 17 years old!!!

 

[iluvmybabies]

If he doesn’t write back let the matter drop. If your dd asks you about it - tell her the truth. She is getting old enough to start understanding what is going on around her and start seeing her friends “date” or whatever those junior high kids call it. The more she sees of how bad this relationship went and how good the one with your df is the more likely she will be to marry a man like your df and less like your xh.

yeah I kind of hoped too soon not to see anything from him…but oh well… I will just do what he asks and that’s it… Hopefully she will do better than both men, because you always want your kids to do better than you no matter how great one is or another!! LOL I will try and explain he did write back but I am sure this will be it, I think he’s upset about the other email because he didn’t write back about the other one so that’s a good thing not the upset thing the no more email thing…I will enjoy my day and be glad I am hoping not to hear from him for a while!

Thanks!

 

[iluvmybabies]

If he hasn’t replied, good…you either scared him off or he realized he isn’t getting to you so you aren’t enough fun to play with anymore. Just enjoy the rest of your day and don’t stress about him…you can’t control his behavior you can only control your own feelings and the way you act. If his awaited response is keeping you on edge all day, then he has already succeeded. If he does reply, just worry about that when it happens…Lord knows you have a full enough day to deal with already.

Exactly and I wasn’t trying to wait for it…It was the whole thing that he usually does that…he emails i respond he emails back i ignore it and then he blows up on me and well…ugh…sorry so used to that routine…seriously! But i am hanging in there thanks everyone for your help and concern…

 

[iluvmybabies]

If you don’t want him to contact you at work, STOP responding when he contacts you there! You are only encouraging him! And if there is a court order in place commanding him not to contact you there, YOU are violating it too by continuing to respond after telling him not to contact you at work anymore!

You should have stuck to the “communicate only by certified letter” thing, and not responded to his e-mail, but sent him the information in the mail.

By violating your own terms, you show him that you are not serious and are easily swayed. You also show him he can continue to violate your boundaries with no consequence. You are allowing him to manipulate you further by allowing him to dictate the parameters of your communications. If you are serious about not letting him have any ability to manipulate you, then stop handing him the levers!

No I don’t have anything in court stating no contacting at work…
I just didn’t need his **** at work either…I dealt with him at home and at work too many times!

 

[iluvmybabies]

You need to stop all that negative talk towards yourself. You are a bright and caring woman - you are Catholic.

Instead of saying I don’t have enough brain juice - say that you are having difficulty concentrating. If you lower your self esteem then he doesn’t need to do it for you.

lol hard habit I am still fighting against, all my life I grew up with being like that, thanks to mother, but it’s ok…I don’t feel bad about saying that about myself, it’s true I have a hard difficulty to concentrate not enough brain juice! LOL It’s ok really…thanks!

 

[Speak_Up]

OK, no court issue (whew!) but still, stop letting him violate your boundaries.

 

[joandarc2008]

lol hard habit I am still fighting against, all my life I grew up with being like that, thanks to mother, but it’s ok…I don’t feel bad about saying that about myself, it’s true I have a hard difficulty to concentrate not enough brain juice! LOL It’s ok really…thanks!

Well, let’s put it this way then. When you go to say things like that about yourself - say to yourself first:

“How would I feel if my dd said this to someone about herself?”
“How would that reflect on the way I raised her?”

Now, remember whatever behavior you do she will copy.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Well, let’s put it this way then. When you go to say things like that about yourself - say to yourself first:

“How would I feel if my dd said this to someone about herself?”
“How would that reflect on the way I raised her?”

Now, remember whatever behavior you do she will copy.

yeah work in progress…seriously!!!

 

[iluvmybabies]

OK, no court issue (whew!) but still, stop letting him violate your boundaries.

right… trying really hard…

btw how do i make him give me his address because still to this day I dont have it?

 

[Speak_Up]

Have your lawyer send his lawyer a demand for reasonable contact information, like address and current phone number.

 

[joandarc2008]

right… trying really hard…

btw how do i make him give me his address because still to this day I dont have it?

As bad as this sounds - you don’t need his nor should you care. He doesn’t have your children. Your children do live with you and therefore has a right to know where they are unless there comes a day his rights are terminated.