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iluvmybabies
Guest
Yeah if I could afford one that would be a great way to get answers, lol and deal with my ex better…thanks anyhow! Maybe someday I will be able to…
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iluvmybabies
Guest
Shouldn’t I know esp if he send their airplane tickets for me to send them to him based on our custody of him having visitation rights and all? I don’t have a valid addres from him…This is a reason why I wouldn’t send him the children before…I didn’t know where they were going to stay and then he would lie and tell me at his grandmother’s house when he was living with his fiance now his wife…???
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joandarc2008
Guest
All you have to do is call the local women’s shelter - they will know where you can either find an advocate or someone pro bono.
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iluvmybabies
Guest
We’ve tried no one here in our area is willing to help…believe me even one of our forumz members tried she found no one at all …I am not kidding…
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MercyMia
Guest
Iluv - with such a messy situation you really NEED an advocate. Do you have a Catholic Charities in your area? At the very least a Catholic college or University with a social work program or law school and some students who may do some pro-bono work? You are in a tornado of emotions and might not always be easy for you to respond to him without impulse…maybe you need a 3rd party as a go-between.
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kage_ar
Guest
You rise above, you be the grown up and do not stoop to his “you did this so I do that” game. Do what is right simply because it is right, let the lawyers and God settle what he does.
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iluvmybabies
Guest
Maybe I am when it comes to him its taken me 30 years to deal with a manipulative mother and still dealing with a manipulative ex and now a manipulative soon to bmil??? UGH!
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iluvmybabies
Guest
Well I dont have a lawyer but I hope that if I ever have to send my kids to him that GOD will keep them safe…and bring them back home the same way they left…safe, alive and in one piece-whole body that is…and happy!!
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kage_ar
Guest
Maybe, just maybe, it is time to spend time working on YOU before you enter another manipulative family?
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
I agree from the outside looking in this sounds one way. Unless you’ve lived it. Then you know that ANY contact from the person brings back what is basically PTSD. No one THRIVES on that “drama.” No one wants it! It brings back all the fear and emotion. Because when you deal with this kind of personality, you know that any change in their predictable behavior means something, and it’s usually not good for you. You live anticipating what they will do next, not because you like it, but because it’s an ingrained pattern of behavior where your safety depended on predicting what they would do next.
Until they are dead, you’re never totally over the relationship. And I"m not kidding.
The emotional attachment isn’t like you think it is. It’s a matter of wondering how they’re going to use your children and your love for your children to hurt you next.
Luv, tell him:
"Now that you have had the answers to your questions and you have my new address, do not contact me by email any longer. Any further contacts will be made by certified mail to my home address. Your future emails will go into my spam folder. "
It’s not your fault he doesn’t know what his kids like. But that would require he be in contact with them.
Then don’t read his emails. Delete them without reading. He can’t get to you if you don’t respond. When he shoots his arrows at you, it’s no fun for him if he doesn’t know if they hit their mark. If you don’t read them, they don’t bother you. The arrows fly right by you without hitting their target. He’s had years to start treating you with compassion or respect. He won’t start now. He’s trying to prove a point to a judge or his lawyer. You gave him information. Now leave him to stew. As for addresses, most divorce decrees require that both parties inform the court and each other about changes of address. Do not send your children to visit him if you do not have an address for him.
I’m sure he’s too lazy to go to the post office to send an abusive letter. So it would have to be really important for him to do that. You’ve given him a way to contact you. Now learn to sidestep his contact.
You can’t change him, but you can change how you respond to him. And if you ever get a home phone, you can have your new husband answer it when he calls. I’m sure he’d be happy to run interference. Men like your ex-husband seldom confront another man.
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MercyMia
Guest
You know, it sounds like you have been a doormat to a lot of people for a very long time.
You belong to God and nobody else…you answer to God and nobody else.
I know that the meek shall inherit the earth, but I think you need to start putting a little bark in your bite. I just want to get you in a locker room and give you a pep like before a big game. You don’t owe this ex of yours anything beyond the bare minimum the law requires you.
Do you know who Dr. Laura is? I really think you might benefit from listening to her show or reading some of her books.
She has two books I reccomend…Bad childhood, Good Life and 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up Their Life. It is just screaming out to me that these books could benefit you. If books are not in the budget for you this month…just PM me your address and I will take care of it and Amazon those puppies to your address. I mean it…they are that good.
You belong to God and nobody else…you answer to God and nobody else.
I know that the meek shall inherit the earth, but I think you need to start putting a little bark in your bite. I just want to get you in a locker room and give you a pep like before a big game. You don’t owe this ex of yours anything beyond the bare minimum the law requires you.
Do you know who Dr. Laura is? I really think you might benefit from listening to her show or reading some of her books.
She has two books I reccomend…Bad childhood, Good Life and 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up Their Life. It is just screaming out to me that these books could benefit you. If books are not in the budget for you this month…just PM me your address and I will take care of it and Amazon those puppies to your address. I mean it…they are that good.
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iluvmybabies
Guest
Well remember they don’t want anything to do with me because I apologized??? lol It’s cool…My fiance isn’t worried about it and even though I know deep down inside it’s bothering him that they will not be at our wedding or anything like that, let alone no Christmas together or anything, like he tells me “It’s their loss not mine! I am not the one whom ended anything with them that’s what they want that’s what they’ll get! WHen they grow up we’ll still be here!”
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iluvmybabies
Guest
Yeah I have been a people pleaser only because I have always wanted to have my mother’s affection the way my sister always has…I haven’t succeeded lol until now that they found out I don’t have a car debt and have a house?! LOL
I will look them up…thank you for the information…I like them all ready!
Have a good day must go and take care of screaming kids they aren’t too fond of hw!! LOL
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Speak_Up
Guest
Hon, you don’t just marry the man… you marry the family. I’m with kage on this one. You haven’t even fully learned how to deal with your manipulative ex. You should not be entering into any situation where you can clearly see this type of problem coming again. If his mother is manipulative… well, who raised your husband? No we are not carbon copies of our parents, but most people live as they were brought up. Your ex seemed great til after the wedding too, right? And if you’ll forgive me… from the history you posted of your relationship with your ex, it seems you have a great ability and willingness to overlook red flags if someone tells you what you want to hear. 
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DOShea
Guest
Sorry I haven’t read every single post in this thread, but something caught my eye and I want to toss in two cents. Feel free to ignore it if you think it is worthless.
Don’t believe me? How about this quote:
It is very clear this whole thing is hard on you, as it would be hard on anyone. But you really have to heal, especially before entering into another relationship. Bringing baggage from one into another is a recipe for putting the anger and disappointment from the first on the people in the second. I don’t think you want that.
I would like to make a recommendation to you that you seek out a support group. They are all over the place, and they really do help. If nothing else, it’s one way to have a place where it is safe to vent your feelings without letting them spill out elsewhere in your life (like in front of kids) where you don’t want it. These groups are also excellent for helping you to forgive, and I’m not talking about ex’es here, I’m talking about yourself. When people in a relationship part company, even in abusive situations, each of them carries self-guilt and ironically it’s always the last guilt they recognize and the last guilt they try to deal with. Sadly, some never deal with it at all, and spend the rest of their lives miserable without ever really knowing why.
So forgive yourself, and groups like this can show you how. That will be a giant step toward healing.
That is exactly right. I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you deride yourself in almost every post. A little of that is fine, you know, being humble and such, but when you do it all the time you are posting a big sign on your head that says “I think my value approaches zero… what do you think?” That is not a good thing for anyone to do, especially a mother. You kids will see that in you and think they should emulate it.
Don’t believe me? How about this quote:
Thanks to whom?
It is very clear this whole thing is hard on you, as it would be hard on anyone. But you really have to heal, especially before entering into another relationship. Bringing baggage from one into another is a recipe for putting the anger and disappointment from the first on the people in the second. I don’t think you want that.
I would like to make a recommendation to you that you seek out a support group. They are all over the place, and they really do help. If nothing else, it’s one way to have a place where it is safe to vent your feelings without letting them spill out elsewhere in your life (like in front of kids) where you don’t want it. These groups are also excellent for helping you to forgive, and I’m not talking about ex’es here, I’m talking about yourself. When people in a relationship part company, even in abusive situations, each of them carries self-guilt and ironically it’s always the last guilt they recognize and the last guilt they try to deal with. Sadly, some never deal with it at all, and spend the rest of their lives miserable without ever really knowing why.
So forgive yourself, and groups like this can show you how. That will be a giant step toward healing.
F
flyingfish
Guest
It doesn’t have to be true. Not everyone keeps in touch with their families, not everyone interacts with extended family more than a phone call once a year or something along those lines.Hon, you don’t just marry the man… you marry the family. I’m with kage on this one. You haven’t even fully learned how to deal with your manipulative ex. You should not be entering into any situation where you can clearly see this type of problem coming again. If his mother is manipulative… well, who raised your husband? No we are not carbon copies of our parents, but most people live as they were brought up. Your ex seemed great til after the wedding too, right? And if you’ll forgive me… from the history you posted of your relationship with your ex, it seems you have a great ability and willingness to overlook red flags if someone tells you what you want to hear.
Does the fiance interact with his mother frequently?
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joandarc2008
Guest
When I married I had the MIL from you know where and we don’t speak to them. He cut off contact for awhile and he is working on himself in counseling before he can repair his relationship with them. That has to happen before I can even think of having a relationship with them. Small steps. Small steps. The elevator to peace is broken…Use the steps.
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iluvmybabies
Guest
Thank you will do that, it’s very good and sounds super professional like how i want to keep things…It’s really hard to deal with him…Barely figured out how to deal with my mother after 30 years lol and now she finally starts being kind accepting and coming around!! LOL
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iluvmybabies
Guest
No he’s like his father, thank GOD! But even his father got manipulated by his mother this time and like I said it’s ok…I am not marrying his family I did that once and got it bad…I am not doing that this time…His family all ready said they want nothing to do with me or him…that’s their loss not mine nor their son’s…My fiance even told the priest he wouldn’t go talk to them until they apologized I told him that wouldn’t happen he said “well that’s their loss!” My fiance is nothing like his mother…I thank GOD for that…Hon, you don’t just marry the man… you marry the family. I’m with kage on this one. You haven’t even fully learned how to deal with your manipulative ex. You should not be entering into any situation where you can clearly see this type of problem coming again. If his mother is manipulative… well, who raised your husband? No we are not carbon copies of our parents, but most people live as they were brought up. Your ex seemed great til after the wedding too, right? And if you’ll forgive me… from the history you posted of your relationship with your ex, it seems you have a great ability and willingness to overlook red flags if someone tells you what you want to hear.
Perhaps I do not like to hear red flags but if that were the case my parent’s wouldn’t have been married still…I gave my mother red flags with his abusiveness myself but she stuck by him and they are happily married…
The red flags here against my fiance are his family, and the one time he was super lazy after his deep depression from his loss of job and car accident…
He has a job, is working really hard at helping me with the house he just bought my children and me, a house which we will make a home soon, he sticks up for me when his family humiliates me…My exhusband never did, on the contrary he would hide his tail behind his legs and let me be constantly humiliated, my fiance will not tolerate it…I don’t see red flags coming up? Maybe you do…But I don’t… He’s hard working, loves my kids, and my kids love him…The problem with my kids wasn’t my fiance it was the fact that my daughter would talk to her father, he would make promises and not keep them and take them out on my fiance…Which was normal and natural… took her to counseling for this…
But like I said, I am not doing that whole marrying the family thing…just like he’s not marrying mine…And even my father let him know that… A man leaves his mother and father to be with his wife and 2 become one… I was happy my dad said that because he did it too… My mother didn’t have to visit my grandparents if she didn’t want to and they didn’t force her to either…They were loving understanding inlaws and my mother never complained about them ever…Because she kept her distance… And had a good relationship with them like this… And that’s what I am doing now…When they feel like coming around the door will always be open and we will receive them with open arms…
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iluvmybabies
Guest
My mother treated me that way she didn’t treat herself that way that’s not what I meant… Besides i don’t degrade my children or give them negativities on the contrary I do the opposite of how my mother raised me…I am not that idiotic to not be positive towards my children…Now How I treat myself is completely different… Seriously!! Let me tell you what I have had to live with since I could remember… while I was growing up I was skinny, skinny little thing, “oh she doesn’t eat enough gotta feed her more, you’re too ugly becaucse you’re skinny, look at your crooked teeth, you have horrible hair, you dont know how to do anything, sit up straight don’t give dirty looks dont back talk dont open your mouth unless spokent to oh you think it’s funny!” (WHACK whack whack whack- spankings all the time…etc etc etc, teenager you’re too fat you;re too slow can’t you be like your sister look how skinny she is aw my baby she looks great, you are not allowed to do this and that oh look at your sister she can stay out as long as she wants where are you going whack whack whack- throw whatever she could find…So i started making sure I didn’t disappoint mother for many years be as perfect as possible-thus it’s a habit not easily broken-I pick on myself and my lack of whatevers-this was a daily basis!!! I was a straight a student till my junior year then I rebelled…What can I say **** happens…
But then I understood why she was the way she was and it was because of my father so even though I was all ready grown up hating myself for everything I did and didn’t do, I am working on it and just because I am working on it doesn’t mean I can’t have a good relationship with someone and can’t raise my children have done it for 11 years and so far have good kids…Besides I know how to love what I want and how to take care of myself…I raised my siblings since I was 11 and I am super glad I did, I don’t regret the responsibilities I had I still enjoyed my childhood no matter what… Perhaps I am more hurt than I might show or maybe not enough hurt or show too much but I am doing pretty well…Am independent and rasing my kids on my own, well now with fiance helping me a bit… Whereas most of my siblings still haven’t cut the umbillical… How I feel about myself my reactions to myself are just that, it’s a habit that’s hard to give up like chewing my nails. No matter how hard I try to not be down on myself it happens…I have my moments where I am not down on myself but most of them are not positive…Like I said a work in progress…Besides I don’t let my feelings towards myself get in the way of my children, fiance, family and friends…
It’s something I might have picked up from my mother…Not to really show in person…Not mean to just happens…
If no one likes how I talk about myself I do apologize I will try to keep things positive and not pick on myself so much…like I said it’s a bad habit…and like I said work in progress…
I didn’t stay with my exhusband all those years because I enjoyed his mistreatment it was because I had children and even though we weren’t married through the church I was willing to keep to the promise I made from my heart to try and make things work out and I would still be married now if he would have married me through the church but he said no so I left… That was the last straw…And I was done with him for his lack of interest in the LORD…and the Lord’s blessing and commandments…Besides dragging our daughter into his scheme of lies and deceipt…
So like I said, its something I am working on but it doesn’t make me incapable of loving others and caring and taking care of others, let alone accept someone else into my life… That there is stress yes there is that there is a lot of work yes it is but no one said life was going to be easy…and it sure hasn’t been for me…And I don’t expect it to ever be… like I said we all have crosses to bear and I am willingly accepting mine, to learn to stop picking on myself, and to bear with other’s whom don’t like me. for whatever their reasons…
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