Expecting Baby #7 and thinking about the future

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Firefly1

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Cliff notes of my situation: I am a SAHM. My DH runs his own business which can do really well at times, and other times (like right now) things are a little tight. We have 6 kids-ages 11, 10, 9, 7, 5, 2, and I am pregnant with our 7th due in June.
We live in a 3 bedroom house and drive an SUV that currently is maxed out when we all go somewhere together- DH is going to install an extra after market seat in the back once baby is born so we all fit without taking 2 rigs.
DH does not want to have more kids. We didn’t even plan on this one- she is a result of a miscalculation with NFP and potentially some strong pain meds.
That being said, our motivations for being done are not so much financial-that can come and go whether you have one kid or ten, but of course it is something to consider given how expensive it can be to raise kids nowadays (food, medical care, insurance, driving expenses, schooling, etc.)
My husband and I want to be there for our kids. Not in an all consuming, they are the center of the universe kind of way, but being there to help them grow. To deal with the difficulties of life as pre teens and teenagers. We both feel stretched thin in this area as it is, and we know adding #7 will exacerbate that feeling. So we are dicsusing being done for good. We are both in our mid 30’s, so this may mean 10 years of avoiding pregnancy.
My questions are: Is it normal to feel a little sad at the thought even though you know you are doing it for good reasons? The church used to say that financial and health reasons were the only reason you could avoid pg, but I have spoken to a couple different priests (one older and one younger) and they both say that psychological and emotional health is taken into account as well. If having 10 kids would turn you into a poor parent, then it would be best not to have 10 kids. I feel like I am at my limit and I want to be the best mom I can be for the kids I have. Is that wrong or weird? I guess I am just wanting to make sure my reasoning is sound and not selfish or despairing. DH is pretty solid in his feelings of being done as he does not want to have any of the kids fall through the cracks the way many people he knows have that come from big families.
 
I think there is nothing wrong with using NFP to avoid future pregnancy. Of course that is up to you and your husband and maybe the advice of a priest. I am not a mother, but I come from a big family and I understand a little how hard it can be and the desire to give each one enough attention. A plus of having many kids is that they always have someone to talk to and play with, but as a parent you also have an important role in their life. 7 kids would already be hard for many parents and no one expects you to have as many kids as possible. Just try to be there for each of your kids at each stage of their life. Let them know they can always come to you and you will listen to them. Try to make a little one on one time for each child. Just my 2 cents… It seems like you are trying hard to be a good mother and wife which is great. I will pray for you. Maybe you could get some support from other Catholic/Christian families in your area that may also share your concerns?
 
Congratulations :slightly_smiling_face:Also praying for your family and finances.
 
Hi,

I share some of your feelings,and my husband seems to have a similar attitude to yours, even if we have only two children (and I would really like to have others…).

It is always scary and sad to feels that perhaps you would not have anymore.

I cannot help your decision, it’s your.

What I would just advise: try to avoid to think you are done. You can feel it, it is normal, but it should not be a absolute definitive thing.
We should be always open to God’s plan. If you choose to continue to use NFP indefinitely, it is always possible that another one or others may come. You should not close your heart to this possibility, and your husband should be ok with that if you choose unite.

God bless you.
 
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Congrats! We too are expecting our seventh in July.
  1. Just break down and buy a van. We did it. It isn’t fun or sexy but it is a perfect solution and you will like it.
  2. It seems like there are not long periods that you practiced NFP. IF you plan on 10 plus years of using it to “be done” then you must realize that entails things you may not like. There will always be misinterpret signs and “painkillers” I am unsure what you mean by painkillers in so far as I hope it does not mean you were under the influence and your husband took advantage! Perhaps it just means that particular drug messed with your signs.
    Honest talk. You probably will have a break and use NFP but you officially have a big family now, like us. And sometimes after a couple of years the lure of the marital embrace will be strong.
    You can say and feel anything you want now, but I wouldn’t sell those baby clothes if you catch my drift.
 
Firefly1 said:
I feel like I am at my limit and I want to be the best mom I can be for the kids I have. Is that wrong or weird? I guess I am just wanting to make sure my reasoning is sound and not selfish or despairing.
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It sounds to me like you are feeling some guilt that is totally unwarranted. Just take things day to day. Pregnancy and post natal hormones is not a time to be thinking in the big picture.
 
Firefly1 said:
Is it normal to feel a little sad at the thought even though you know you are doing it for good reasons?
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Yes, it is totally normal to feel sad about not having more children. It’s a sad thing no matter what the reason. It also sounds like your husband is the one who is stronger about limiting your family, which does make the decision harder on you.
 
Firefly1 said:
My questions are: Is it normal to feel a little sad at the thought even though you know you are doing it for good reasons?
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Well, first congrats! But, second…yes, I think it’s perfectly normal to feel this way. I have felt that way myself before (and I only have 4!)
Firefly1 said:
I feel like I am at my limit and I want to be the best mom I can be for the kids I have. Is that wrong or weird?
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Nope, not wrong or weird at all…it shows very good judgment IMO. You seem like a good mom and want what’s best for everyone (yourself included) and that’s pretty healthy sounding! Good luck 🙂

ETA: my husband and I are also using NFP indefinitely…age, finances and mental health being the reasons…it’s a cross for sure but I think it’s the best choice for us. So, yeah it can be done and although I’m not particularly looking forward to another 10 years of it (especially as I enter perimenopause) it is what it is and we just try to take it day by day and month by month.
 
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I appreciate everyone’s responses. I am at the stage where I am just trying be logical and while hormones can and do affect a lot, I am trying to be honest with myself as to what pregnancy means to me and my family-as in, the effects it has on my ability to do my job. I am blessed enough to have uncomplicated pregnancies, no bed rest (so far)…I am healthy and I know there are women out there who have very difficult pregnancies. Even with my good and “normal” pregnancies, I find it really hard to keep up with everything. Running after a 2 year old with a broken leg, working with my 5 year old to clean up after herself, helping my 7 year old with his reading and other school work and prep for 1st communion, my older 3 are capable of a lot as far as cleaning up after themselves, but they also need a lot of my time and attention. They also eat dinner every night lol. I feel worn out part way through the day and I struggle to be patient and compassionate as I am stretched fairly thin. There are a lot of things I should be doing (things that are not required for day to day survival but need to be done occasionally) that I just am not getting to because I am too sore or tired. My emotions and hormones have nothing to do with it. DH and I have been discussing this since before I got pg with baby#6, so we have had plenty of time without the pregnancy hormones to talk about it.
I would say that DH feels “stronger” about it because he does not have the same emotional fears that I do. Partly it’s because he is a man and they tend to be more logical and compartmentalized that women, but it is also in part I think because of things I was told as I was growing up and it isn’t always easy to push that aside. My Mom always has had that as long as you are fertile you should have kids and did not take kindly to the Pope talking about how we should not breed like rabbits. Fertility is a gift to be used wisely not carelessly. Sometimes I hear her voice in my head telling me that I will regret not having an 8th or a 9th etc. but I have come to realize that stems from a feeling of always needing more or fear or missing out on something. I realized that I am happy with what I have, with the kids that I have and I don’t need to have a dozen children to be happy, to prove how catholic I am, or to find fulfillment.
 
Firefly1 said:
did not take kindly to the Pope talking about how we should not breed like rabbits.
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I agree with your mom on this part. That was a very gross thing for him to say.

The rest is really no one’s decision but you and your husband. Not your mom, not posters here, and as long as you use moral means, not even the Pope.

I struggled with conceiving and carrying to term. We eventually adopted six, raised them up, and carried two miracles to term in our old age. We could not imagine life without these unplanned blessings that came long after we were done. Try to avoid closing your hearts and minds to God’s plan for your family.
 
Part of the problem sounds like you are just overworked with your situation. Perhaps look at finding ways to make life with 6 kids easier. Having a big family does not mean you have to be a martyr. Nor does it mean you have to be exhausted. I stay at home with the kids and homeschool. I understand that just taking them out of the house can be a feat. And yes, we all eat and wear clothes so the prep, dishes and laundry never stop. But this is a joyous time. And there are so many who have harder circumstances and yet show nothing but joy on their faces. It is hard in the modern world to get down about how tough life is when really it is as easy as ever. Iv’e noticed on social media and blogs a movement to “laugh” at the tough parts. And while well intentioned this can actually be harmful.
Joy, and the amazing thankfulness that God has blessed us should be foremost. Does this mean you can’t feel exhausted, spent, unhappy, angry etc… No. But it does mean that we should always be focused on our kids, spouses and selves. These are the people we are charged with getting to heaven. And it is a great and Holy task. You have, in cooperation with God’s plan, co-created another soul. Taking one of the best gifts that God ever gave humanity. The power to work with God in creating an image of God to be loved by God and saved by God to live with God in happiness for ever. No animal, or plant or being has ever had this privilege and it proves how much God loves us.

On the 7th day He rested. And you too in your “creation” should rest. But creation is ongoing is it not?
 
Firefly1 said:
My Mom always has had that as long as you are fertile you should have kids and did not take kindly to the Pope talking about how we should not breed like rabbits. Fertility is a gift to be used wisely not carelessly. Sometimes I hear her voice in my head telling me that I will regret not having an 8th or a 9th etc.
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Hopefully this isn’t too prying a question but did your mother live by that belief herself or did she come to it later in her life?
 
Think about what is and is not fair to the kids as you make these choices.
 
Where God guides he will provide (even if you can’t see it now). It’s hard to not rely on your own understanding of what your finances and how much room you have, are. Because you are in it, it’s real. He’s brought you this far and if you have a feeling like you need to take a break on children, take a break. The Catholic church supports natural family planning, you can do those things to avoid pregnancy during certain times if you must. As a parent you can make that choice and it’s okay. I feel that way with my children, it’s hard to give more of yourself to what you feel is too many children. If it’s any consolation, it sounds like you are doing well in your vocation.
 
TrueRomanCatholic said:
You should never use nfp to avoid pregnancy. You should use it but leave yourselves open to new babies! God wouldn’t give you more than you could ever handle!
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How do you square this concept with the fact that there are many tragic stories of families actually being given way more than they can handle.
 
Matthew 6:25-34


Jesus was pretty clear that God will take care of us if we allow and we should not worry. That very well could mean to someone that God won’t give more than we can handle. God’s ways may not always be the ways we want but it doesn’t mean He doesn’t give us what we need.
 
13pollitos said:
Matthew 6:25-34

http://www.usccb.org/bible/matthew/6

Jesus was pretty clear that God will take care of us if we allow and we should not worry. That very well could mean to someone that God won’t give more than we can handle. God’s ways may not always be the ways we want but it doesn’t mean He doesn’t give us what we need.
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It’s important that we can distinguish Gods will from the false ideology of others such as when the OP related earlier up the thread that her mother had “good Catholics only have large families” ideology. So it is important for the Church to correct these misconceptions so that couples can work with God and their own capacities to discern responsibly about their family makeup.
 
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