Extreme Anxiety before Wedding?

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Hey everyone,

My wedding is 45 days away (yay!) and as it approaches I find myself becoming more and more paranoid and anxious. It’s not that I doubt marrying my FH in anyway, but for some reason the littlest things make me start crying, I’ve had three panic attacks in the past week, and my psychiatrist is considering upping my anxiety meds.

Sunday was the worst, I was over at a friend’s house and everyone started yelling (they weren’t mad, just excited about a board game), and it made me anxious, so I stepped out of the room to go have a glass of water and clear my head, but my friend’s younger sister came in, and thinking it was funny, jumped from behind the wall to scare me. She’s 12, I know she didn’t realize I was having anxiety issues, but I ended up huddled in a corner crying and freaking out. I’ve since made sure that she knows I’m not upset with her (she thought I was going to throw her out of my wedding), but I’m worried about how bad it’s gotten. Everyone thinks I should be so happy, and I am, but I’m also tired, stressed out, paranoid, anxious, and I feel like the days until the wedding are slipping through my fingers, and I am not getting everything done. It doesn’t help that since I’m going on vacation after the wedding, my boss has scheduled me for two 6 day conferences in August, where I’ll be out of town and unable to work on wedding stuff.

Sorry, I’m ranting, I’m just trying to find out, is this normal? Like, to get this stressed out? I can’t even keep my mind clear for my rosary anymore.

Thanks for your help!
Amanda
 
This is totally normal. It is not just that you are getting married. It is that you are putting on this huge event with yourself at the center of attention, something that has been built up with all sorts of hype concerning the rewards of getting it right and the perils of getting it wrong, with people who are “counting on you” to just knock their socks off with the unique beauty and meaning you’ve put into this day with your extra touches (:rolleyes:) and yet at the same time uniquely ready to take life-time offense over any faux pas you commit. Gee, how could this scenario make anybody nervous? :hmmm:

Try to let go of that. Whether your wedding, the party, is a disaster, a triumph, or (the usual) something in-between, doesn’t have anything to do with your marriage, the life. Your life is more important than putting on a faultlessly spectacular and memorable event.

List these jobs that have you concerned in order of what, practically speaking, can be done without. Cut out as many of those as you can. Of what remains, consider what you can delegate. Do that. Honestly, the more ways in which you can simplify your wedding and take weight off your shoulders about it at this point, the better. Get some help in doing that. (Anyone who doesn’t like what you’re considering cutting out can have the job of seeing that it gets done…give them control, if they do something in a way you’d never do it, you’ll live.)

You’ll be happier with less on your plate. After all, does it make sense to raise anxiety-lowering drugs without also taking practical steps to remove things in your life that are causing you anxiety? It would be like a diabetic tweaking their medications, but hanging on to foods that make their blood sugar go crazy. So as you take steps to get rid of jobs that might make you happy to achieve but in the meantime are upsetting your sleep and destroying your serenity. Less is more…try that. And decide to just take what comes, not beating yourself up about any decisions that are in the past and can’t be changed. It takes practice, but it is a skill that can be learned, if you don’t punish yourself for the two-step-forward-one-step-back nature of learning to do it. That, too, is something to develop patience about! 👍
 
It IS normal to feel stress right before a big event like a wedding, especially if you are the one handeling most of details. It’s not really normal to cry and ball up in a corner like you are describing, but if you already have anxiety issues, then you probably know that already. Is there any way you could delegate some of the tasks you are focusing on to other people, or would that just stress you out more? Is there anyway that your fh can take some more stuff on or maybe you could just cut it out completely. I mean, weddings are supposed to be fun, not miserable! I couldn’t imagine spending the next 45 days having panic attacks, nor do I think it would be beneficial to your relationship. Maybe brainstorm some ways to keep things cool and collected with your husband and if that doesn’t work, I think I would take the doctor up on increasing your dosage. Anyway, you deserve a beautiful day with friends and family and the man you love. Don’t let the details get in the way of that.
 
TheologicalLeft said:
and women can become president. :banghead:
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wow. rude.

OP, it is totally normal for you to be anxious before your wedding! I’m a perfectionist and I thought I had to have everything just right. Helpful advice: If you don’t have everything perfect, no one will know. 🙂

Also, get your bridesmaids to help you out. They aren’t there to just look pretty in your wedding pictures, they are supposed to be the girls to help you out when you need it the most.
 
Thanks guys.

I’ve been trying to delegate, but sadly I don’t have many reliable people to delegate to. My MoH and my FH are both working their butts off to help me. (My MoH has been wrangling the other two bridesmaids who are so excited for the wedding, but get offended when I ask them to help with things.

An example: When the invitations came in, I sat down to address them with my MOH, and her alone, because my other two bridesmaids couldn’t be bothered to come help me. We got the invitations out quickly, because I’d address all the outer envelopes, and she’d do all the inner envelopes. I got calls for a week afterward from people complaining that the handwriting on the envelopes didn’t match, and how impersonal it was that I’d had someone else help me. Oh and the calls complaining that I’d only sent them one invitation, and could I send a second so they can have one to save. Or the under 18 year olds complaining that they weren’t allowed to bring a guest, but their older sibling who’s been dating the same girl for 4 years and is over 18 is allowed to bring her.

The other issue is, I have very few capable people on hand to assist me. My family lives in another state, so it’s just me, my FH and his family, and my bridesmaids. My FH is handling the reception venue and the food, and paying for about 2/3rds of the wedding, and working two jobs to do it without complaint. He’s the best help I could ask for. His mother, well, I’ve posted about her quite a bit here, to my chagrin. I recently found out that she had decided to host a bridal shower for me, at a pizza place… knowing full well I have a gluten allergy. Her response to my MoH asking her why she’d do that: “Well, we all like pizza. She can eat a salad or something. Or eat before hand.” When I have tried to get help, everyone in his family has a “better” idea than what I’ve come up with. And then they throw their hands in the air and say “Well then you don’t need my help!” when what they want to do is either more expensive (but they’re unwilling to help pay for it) or one of my few sticking points (but i’m being a total bridezilla).

So far I have compromised on:
The Venue
The Food
The Cake
The DJ
The Church
The Dress
The Bridesmaids Dresses
The Tuxes
The Flowers
The Favors
The Readings
The Priest
The Bridesmaids
The Groomsmen
The Photographer
The Date
The Honeymoon
The Invitations
The Guest List

I feel like this isn’t even my wedding anymore, but what other people have forced on me if I want their help.
 
I think you should kindly, yet firmly, remind your 'maids what their responsibilities are supposed to be. If it comes down to it, tell them that they don’t have to be your 'maids. I had to be firm with 2 of my girls. I told them if they didn’t put in the work, they wouldn’t be benefitting from being pampered with me the day of or party with me for my bachelorette party. That those things are for those who worked just as hard as I did. Don’t let people run over you, this is one of the biggest days of your life.
 
mandajane said:
Thanks guys.

I’ve been trying to delegate, but sadly I don’t have many reliable people to delegate to. My MoH and my FH are both working their butts off to help me. (My MoH has been wrangling the other two bridesmaids who are so excited for the wedding, but get offended when I ask them to help with things.

An example: When the invitations came in, I sat down to address them with my MOH, and her alone, because my other two bridesmaids couldn’t be bothered to come help me. We got the invitations out quickly, because I’d address all the outer envelopes, and she’d do all the inner envelopes. I got calls for a week afterward from people complaining that the handwriting on the envelopes didn’t match, and how impersonal it was that I’d had someone else help me. Oh and the calls complaining that I’d only sent them one invitation, and could I send a second so they can have one to save. Or the under 18 year olds complaining that they weren’t allowed to bring a guest, but their older sibling who’s been dating the same girl for 4 years and is over 18 is allowed to bring her.

The other issue is, I have very few capable people on hand to assist me. My family lives in another state, so it’s just me, my FH and his family, and my bridesmaids. My FH is handling the reception venue and the food, and paying for about 2/3rds of the wedding, and working two jobs to do it without complaint. He’s the best help I could ask for. His mother, well, I’ve posted about her quite a bit here, to my chagrin. I recently found out that she had decided to host a bridal shower for me, at a pizza place… knowing full well I have a gluten allergy. Her response to my MoH asking her why she’d do that: “Well, we all like pizza. She can eat a salad or something. Or eat before hand.” When I have tried to get help, everyone in his family has a “better” idea than what I’ve come up with. And then they throw their hands in the air and say “Well then you don’t need my help!” when what they want to do is either more expensive (but they’re unwilling to help pay for it) or one of my few sticking points (but i’m being a total bridezilla).

So far I have compromised on:
The Venue
The Food
The Cake
The DJ
The Church
The Dress
The Bridesmaids Dresses
The Tuxes
The Flowers
The Favors
The Readings
The Priest
The Bridesmaids
The Groomsmen
The Photographer
The Date
The Honeymoon
The Invitations
The Guest List

I feel like this isn’t even my wedding anymore, but what other people have forced on me if I want their help.
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So this is one of those obnoxious family member induced anxiety problems. Got it. I can help with this one! Before you go to bed every night, stand for ten minutes in front of the mirror and practice the following phrases.

No.
Forget it.
Sorry, that’s never going to happen.
I’m sorry you feel that way. I hope you will come to your sense later.
Mind your business.
I’m sorry you have that problem. What do you intend to do about it?
I’m sure you will figure it out in time.
I’m sorry. That’s the way it’s going to be.
I have to get off the phone now, I hope you have a lovely day.
I’m not willing to discuss this further.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
I hear what you are saying, but this is what I’ve decided.
 
EasterJoy said:
This is totally normal. It is not just that you are getting married. It is that you are putting on this huge event with yourself at the center of attention, something that has been built up with all sorts of hype concerning the rewards of getting it right and the perils of getting it wrong, with people who are “counting on you” to just knock their socks off with the unique beauty and meaning you’ve put into this day with your extra touches (:rolleyes:) and yet at the same time uniquely ready to take life-time offense over any faux pas you commit. Gee, how could this scenario make anybody nervous? :hmmm:
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Yep, this sounds exactly right. It’s completely normal for all this pressure to make you completely stressed out. I kept getting dizzy spells. I thought something was wrong with me and almost went to the doctor over it.

I, like you, was responsible for planning and executing most everything myself. Add that to everyone else’s expectations, inappropriate comments and opinions, and I was SO relieved when the wedding was over and it was just me and my husband and we could relax. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my wedding, but I did not enjoy planning it as much as I thought I would.

People are complaining that the handwriting on the invitations didn’t match? Good grief. I would set my phone to voicemail and not bother responding to anything that isn’t a legitimate concern. It’s hard not to care what everyone thinks, but you’ll be much better off if you can manage not to. This is your wedding. If people don’t like something, they can choose not to go- otherwise, they should keep their mouths shut.

In the end, remember that all the little details that seem so important are ultimately not things that most of the guests are even going to remember. I doubt anyone could even tell me what color my flowers were without looking at a picture, or would even remember what they ate. My husband and I haven’t even been married two years and awhile ago we were discussing what time our wedding was. Neither one of us could even remember!

As the wedding approaches, more and more will be checked off your list. Once you get something done, let it go and don’t worry about it. It will all come together. Take lots of time-outs where you shut off your phone and do something non wedding related. And keep reminding yourself that in a month and a half, you’ll be married and all of this will be a distant memory. 🙂
 
Mandajane - What you describe is unfortunately very common for weddings. Not only the stress of planning this event, but the stress of entering a new phase of life. Many of us are also gearing up to move at the same time, so that’s another layer of stress.

One thing I did was to make a conscious choice that no matter what happened, I would enjoy and savor the day with my husband, and anyone else who wanted to celebrate with us. People could complain all they wanted, but I was not responsible for their happiness or enjoyment. Yes, people complained to me about the music at the reception, the flower girl dresses, that we didn’t rent limos, that a family member who’s a protestant minister was not on the alter with the priests. People find something to complain about.

It is appropriate to tell people, “when it’s your wedding, you can decide. Right now, I need you to support me.” And that’s true. I’ve been in bridal parties and to weddings as a guest. No one as ever asked for my approval for anything, and I’ve never been offended at that. Best wishes during this stressful time.
 
I felt the same way. Until I told my mom (who kept telling me how I should do things) to go ahead and plan everything herself. My wedding is not exactly what I would have planned, but it was a lot less stressful. I really didn’t care about the wedding anyways; it’s about the marriage.
 
You will not be the first bride and groom who have looked at each other while trying to get their wedding together and asked, “Why was it again that we didn’t just get this done in the sacristy after a Wednesday morning Mass?”
mandajane said:
I’ve been trying to delegate, but sadly I don’t have many reliable people to delegate to. My MoH and my FH are both working their butts off to help me. (My MoH has been wrangling the other two bridesmaids who are so excited for the wedding, but get offended when I ask them to help with things.

An example: When the invitations came in, I sat down to address them with my MOH, and her alone, because my other two bridesmaids couldn’t be bothered to come help me. We got the invitations out quickly, because I’d address all the outer envelopes, and she’d do all the inner envelopes. I got calls for a week afterward from people complaining that the handwriting on the envelopes didn’t match, and how impersonal it was that I’d had someone else help me. Oh and the calls complaining that I’d only sent them one invitation, and could I send a second so they can have one to save. Or the under 18 year olds complaining that they weren’t allowed to bring a guest, but their older sibling who’s been dating the same girl for 4 years and is over 18 is allowed to bring her.
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The correct answers to the complaints you’ve gotten is: “I beg you pardon?” and, if you don’t have any extra invitations lying around, “No.”

Your guests are not only being unreasonable; they’re being rude. You can’t help but shake your head, but don’t lose sleep over that.

Of course you could also burst out crying hysterically and spew an unintelligible stream of anxieties until they hang up in embarrassment because they can’t get a rational word out of you, but that’s a little mean. They’d deserve it, but the temptation must be resisted, alas. Dream of being able to do it, though–you can do that. Venial sin, at worst. :rolleyes: The “I beg you pardon?” answer is more sound, morally speaking. The choice on their part to take offense is not necessarily your problem. (You’ll want the ability to be unmoved by dramatic ploys when you have children, anyway!)
mandajane said:
…When I have tried to get help, everyone in his family has a “better” idea than what I’ve come up with. And then they throw their hands in the air and say “Well then you don’t need my help!” when what they want to do is either more expensive (but they’re unwilling to help pay for it) or one of my few sticking points (but i’m being a total bridezilla)…I feel like this isn’t even my wedding anymore, but what other people have forced on me if I want their help.
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Well, yeah, you have to give stuff up to get people to help you. There are worse things. Most people I know did not get everything they had hoped when their wedding was still in the idea stage. Those who do absolutely avoid compromise run the risk of being thought spoiled or self-centered even if they do all the work themselves, to be blunt, so you can hardly win on that front.

You cannot win at wedding. It is like have a month of June with no rain. In theory, possible, but it almost never happens. There is no question that it will rain–the only question is when. You’re still going to be married to a great guy when you’re all done, that’s the main thing. Accept that the party is a group effort and therefore will reflect a group consensus on how to do it. It will still be your wedding…your wedding to both your FH and his whole extended family.

Watch “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, in which Toula describes how she came to marry her husband, Ian. If you don’t get a sense of humor about this, you’re gonna go nuts.
…

Toula: My dad believes in two things: That Greeks should educate non Greeks about being Greek and every ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy can be cured with Windex.
…

**Toula: **Aunt Voula, Ian is a vegetarian. He doesn’t eat meat.
Aunt Voula: He don’t eat no meat. What do you mean he don’t eat no meat?!
(the entire room stops, in shock)
Aunt Voula: Oh, that’s okay. I make lamb.
…
Ian Miller: What do you do for Christmas with your family?
**
Toula Portokalos: **Uh, my mom makes roast lamb.

Ian Miller: Mmm… with mint jelly?

Toula Portokalos: No.

[pause]

Ian Miller: And…?

**Toula Portokalos: **And…

[pause]

**Toula Portokalos: **I’m Greek, right?

Ian Miller: Right?

**Toula Portokalos: **So, what happens is my dad and uncles, they fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain. And then my aunt Voula forks the eyeball and chases me around with it, try to get me to eat it, 'cause it’s gonna make me smart. So, you have two cousins, I have 27 first cousins. Just 27 first cousins alone! And my whole family is big and loud. And everybody is in each other’s lives and business. All the time! Like, you never just have a minute alone, just to think, 'Cause we’re always together, just eating, eating, eating! The only other people we know are Greeks, 'cause Greeks marry Greeks to breed more Greeks, to be loud breeding Greek eaters.

**Ian Miller: **Wow.
…

**Maria: **Ian, are you hungry?
**Ian: **Uh no, I already ate.
**Maria: **Okay, I make you something.
 
EasterJoy said:
This is totally normal. It is not just that you are getting married. It is that you are putting on this huge event with yourself at the center of attention, something that has been built up with all sorts of hype concerning the rewards of getting it right and the perils of getting it wrong, with people who are “counting on you” to just knock their socks off with the unique beauty and meaning you’ve put into this day with your extra touches (:rolleyes:) and yet at the same time uniquely ready to take life-time offense over any faux pas you commit. Gee, how could this scenario make anybody nervous? :hmmm:

Try to let go of that. Whether your wedding, the party, is a disaster, a triumph, or (the usual) something in-between, doesn’t have anything to do with your marriage, the life. Your life is more important than putting on a faultlessly spectacular and memorable event.

List these jobs that have you concerned in order of what, practically speaking, can be done without. Cut out as many of those as you can. Of what remains, consider what you can delegate. Do that. Honestly, the more ways in which you can simplify your wedding and take weight off your shoulders about it at this point, the better. Get some help in doing that. (Anyone who doesn’t like what you’re considering cutting out can have the job of seeing that it gets done…give them control, if they do something in a way you’d never do it, you’ll live.)

You’ll be happier with less on your plate. After all, does it make sense to raise anxiety-lowering drugs without also taking practical steps to remove things in your life that are causing you anxiety? It would be like a diabetic tweaking their medications, but hanging on to foods that make their blood sugar go crazy. So as you take steps to get rid of jobs that might make you happy to achieve but in the meantime are upsetting your sleep and destroying your serenity. Less is more…try that. And decide to just take what comes, not beating yourself up about any decisions that are in the past and can’t be changed. It takes practice, but it is a skill that can be learned, if you don’t punish yourself for the two-step-forward-one-step-back nature of learning to do it. That, too, is something to develop patience about! 👍
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👍 This. It is completely normal.

In the months before our marriage, my husband started getting panic attacks and anxiety. It wasn’t stress with the planning because the only thing he wanted to be involved in was the planning of our liturgy (the most important part of the wedding day), which was actually a lot of fun to plan for the two of us He later realized it was the stress of being in front of everyone, watching him throughout the day. As soon as he was married, he never had a panic attack again and we’ll be married 10 years next month.

One of the things I learned during the planning was to be at peace that not everything was going to be perfect. The most important thing was that I was getting married. It didn’t matter if some people might not be impressed or if I didn’t have the time to complete certain details for the reception. One thing I always tell my brides is to expect something will go wrong on the wedding day. Don’t get upset. Just go with it and focus on all of the other beautiful things that happened that day… like marrying the man you love. 🙂

Hugs to you. I know how stressful all of this can be.
 
You’ve received some good advice so far.

I know the wedding is not far away now, but you should start to assert yourself so there are no further compromises. You say your fiance is paying 2/3 of the wedding. I’m not sure who is paying the rest, but if they are being unreasonable you should consider declining their offer and just making things cheaper so that you can fund it yourselves and therefore have the only right to (name removed by moderator)ut.

As for this:
mandajane said:
I recently found out that she had decided to host a bridal shower for me, at a pizza place… knowing full well I have a gluten allergy. Her response to my MoH asking her why she’d do that: “Well, we all like pizza. She can eat a salad or something. Or eat before hand.”
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Just don’t go. Make it clear to her that you will not attend a bridal showered at a venue where you cannot eat. If needed, decline a bridal shower altogether.

If you decline money or offers for help, you will not be indebted to anyone and not need to offer anyone else any (name removed by moderator)ut into your wedding. Allow people you trust to play a role, and keep people you can’t trust out of it. Keep in mind that all these details are quite unimportant in comparison to what you are doing on this day - you are entering the grace-filled sacrament of marriage. Keep your focus on that and you’ll see that few of the other details matter, such as what hors d’oeuvres will be served, who sits next to who, what colour the bridesmaids dresses are, what make of car you’ll be driven in, etc. You say you’ve compromised on a lot of things, but as long as you haven’t compromised on the man you are marrying, you’ll be fine.

I’m not sure what your fiance is like, but it may be time to tell him you’re not coping well and allow him to deal with as much of this as possible. In particular, he should deal with his own mother/family and not place you in the difficult position of compromising to appease them.
 
mandajane said:
Thanks guys.

I’ve been trying to delegate, but sadly I don’t have many reliable people to delegate to. My MoH and my FH are both working their butts off to help me. (My MoH has been wrangling the other two bridesmaids who are so excited for the wedding, but get offended when I ask them to help with things.

An example: When the invitations came in, I sat down to address them with my MOH, and her alone, because my other two bridesmaids couldn’t be bothered to come help me. We got the invitations out quickly, because I’d address all the outer envelopes, and she’d do all the inner envelopes. I got calls for a week afterward from people complaining that the handwriting on the envelopes didn’t match, and how impersonal it was that I’d had someone else help me. Oh and the calls complaining that I’d only sent them one invitation, and could I send a second so they can have one to save. Or the under 18 year olds complaining that they weren’t allowed to bring a guest, but their older sibling who’s been dating the same girl for 4 years and is over 18 is allowed to bring her.

The other issue is, I have very few capable people on hand to assist me. My family lives in another state, so it’s just me, my FH and his family, and my bridesmaids. My FH is handling the reception venue and the food, and paying for about 2/3rds of the wedding, and working two jobs to do it without complaint. He’s the best help I could ask for. His mother, well, I’ve posted about her quite a bit here, to my chagrin. I recently found out that she had decided to host a bridal shower for me, at a pizza place… knowing full well I have a gluten allergy. Her response to my MoH asking her why she’d do that: “Well, we all like pizza. She can eat a salad or something. Or eat before hand.” When I have tried to get help, everyone in his family has a “better” idea than what I’ve come up with. And then they throw their hands in the air and say “Well then you don’t need my help!” when what they want to do is either more expensive (but they’re unwilling to help pay for it) or one of my few sticking points (but i’m being a total bridezilla).

So far I have compromised on:
The Venue
The Food
The Cake
The DJ
The Church
The Dress
The Bridesmaids Dresses
The Tuxes
The Flowers
The Favors
The Readings
The Priest
The Bridesmaids
The Groomsmen
The Photographer
The Date
The Honeymoon
The Invitations
The Guest List

I feel like this isn’t even my wedding anymore, but what other people have forced on me if I want their help.
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I’m sorry, but I’m very curious as to how you “compromised” on certain things. I can’t help my curiosity!

For example, how did you “compromise” on the groomsmen? As the bride, that’s not really your thing to begin with, so…I don’t get it?

As for the other things, can you explain who you are “compromising” with here? All of these things you are compromising with family/friends on?

Like the honeymoon, for example… who are you compromising with there? You should certainly be “compromising” with the groom on most of this stuff like the honeymoon, venue, favors, etc. But if you’re compromising with someone other than the groom, I can’t imagine why/what excuse they give to make you compromise?
 
To answer some questions…

I am paying the other 1/3rd. The two of us are paying for the whole wedding ourselves, I am just acknowledging the fact that he’s contributing more than I to the wedding budget.

As far as compromising on the groomsmen, there is a female friend of his who I bluntly do not like. She is not Catholic (says she’s a “wiccan”) is extremely promiscuous – IN PUBLIC, and has told my fiance multiple times that he should leave me, and the catholic church, because we’re “holding him back” and since I want kids I’m trying to “trap” him. He asked her to be a groomsman without telling me until after she said yes. I was very upset about it because the last time I saw her she grabbed my breasts and said that we should have a threesome.

I’m not compromising with the groom on most of this. It’s his mother and his mother’s friends. And most of the compromises came at the same time, when they were promising to help pay for the wedding, and then they pulled out, and I couldn’t afford the things they chose, so I was forced to compromise for budgetary reasons for things I didn’t want, because what I did want (and could afford) was already booked. I made a post about this a while ago, where his mother promised to help pay for things, and then pulled out at the last minute.

As for the bridal shower, I am planning on not attending. It’s supposed to be a surprise, and only my MoH knows I know about it, and since she’s the one who’s supposed to bring me there, she’s going to say that I didn’t want to go out that day.
 
mandajane said:
I am paying the other 1/3rd. The two of us are paying for the whole wedding ourselves, I am just acknowledging the fact that he’s contributing more than I to the wedding budget.
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Excellent, then no one else gets a say. I’m sorry you’ve made some compromises so far, but from here on it it’s just you and your fiance who make decisions. There is no need whatsoever for other people to have any (name removed by moderator)ut.

The grooms(wo)man sounds very strange. She will no doubt remain a person in your husband’s life, so you and he should have a discussion about her before you get married. As your husband he should not be prepared to hear any negativity from her about you; I certainly would not tolerate such from any of my friends about my wife. And as a friend of the opposite sex, their relationship may need to change and be restricted to group events. One-on-one meetings may no longer be appropriate, if that was a part of the friendship. No doubt this will reinforce her opinion of you “holding him back” and “trapping” him, but she will just need to accept the reality of this marriage. Sometimes these sorts of adjusments are tricky for newly-married couples, but better to have these sorts of discussions and try to establish how you plan to deal with such things as a couple.
 
mandajane said:
As far as compromising on the groomsmen, there is a female friend of his who I bluntly do not like. She is not Catholic (says she’s a “wiccan”) is extremely promiscuous – IN PUBLIC, and **has told my fiance multiple times that he should leave me, and the catholic church, because we’re “holding him back” and since I want kids I’m trying to “trap” him. **He asked her to be a groomsman without telling me until after she said yes. I was very upset about it because the last time I saw her she grabbed my breasts and said that we should have a threesome. .
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This really bothers me. I don’t know your fiance or his friend, but for me, if my husband had a female OR male friend who was constantly telling him to leave me and that I was holding him back, etc., I’d be very upset and we’d have to have a serious talk. Honestly, I would probably tell him that he needs to distance himself from this woman. I know that I’m only going by what was written here, but I wouldn’t trust women “friends” who say things like that. Could this partly be a cause of your anxiety as well?

I’m not compromising with the groom on most of this. It’s his mother and his mother’s friends. And most of the compromises came at the same time, when they were promising to help pay for the wedding, and then they pulled out, and I couldn’t afford the things they chose, so I was forced to compromise for budgetary reasons for things I didn’t want, because what I did want (and could afford) was already booked. I made a post about this a while ago, where his mother promised to help pay for things, and then pulled out at the last minute.

As for the bridal shower, I am planning on not attending. It’s supposed to be a surprise, and only my MoH knows I know about it, and since she’s the one who’s supposed to bring me there, she’s going to say that I didn’t want to go out that day.
 
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