Extreme Anxiety before Wedding?

[mandajane]

Hey everyone, sorry I’ve been so slow with the responses - it’s been a long day at work.

As far as the incident where she grabbed me, no, he didn’t stand up for me then. I stormed off angry, and he followed me, telling me that’s “just how she is”. After I cooled down I explained to him that it was not OK with me that she did those kinds of things, and that I felt even worse because the guy who is supposed to have my back didn’t. He apologized, agreed with me, and since that day has told her to stuff it when she get’s started.

As far as the MIL and the Bridal Shower, my mother and my brother’s girlfriend were invited. Both declined because of travel expenses. My mother didn’t know until I called her to talk about it that it was a pizza place, as the name of the restaurant is all that’s listed, and it’s just a person’s name.

I assume I’m just stuck going, despite the headaches. When my FH said to her, “Mom she gets migraines being in places with lots of flour, like bakeries.” she said, “Tell her to take some excedrin and quit being a baby.”

My bridesmaids (her daughters) didn’t know I have a gluten allergy, thank goodness. It had just never come up for them. They’ve been trying to get her to change the restaurant, but the invites have already gone out.

I guess I need to just suck it up and attend. I’m just getting to the point where I want the wedding to be OVER, so I can just be married.

 

[underacloud]

I assume I’m just stuck going, despite the headaches. When my FH said to her, “Mom she gets migraines being in places with lots of flour, like bakeries.” she said, “Tell her to take some excedrin and quit being a baby.”

My bridesmaids (her daughters) didn’t know I have a gluten allergy, thank goodness. It had just never come up for them. They’ve been trying to get her to change the restaurant, but the invites have already gone out.

This is simply horrendous. She knows you have an allergy and simply wants you to “quit being a baby”?

This woman seems to be a bully and you need to set some boundaries for her. I would refuse to go and make that clear well ahead of the event. Or if it was my fiance (if I was your fiance), I would tell my mother to change it or you wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t do it in some sort of passive-aggressive way of backing out on the day, but make it clear that you can’t attend this event as it will make you ill, and that it would be great if it could be moved to somewhere that you could attend.

If I was your fiance, I’d step in and sort this out. You should ask him to do this for you.

If you decide to just go for the sake of family harmony, that’s understandable. But you need to give some thought as to your future with this woman. At some point in time, bullies need to be put in their place.

 

[Kelfa28]

If it makes you physically sick to step foot inside a place like that (migraines are serious) then don’t go.

Your Fiancé needs to make this absolutely crystal clear to his mother. You are not being a baby and the disrespect towards you needs to stop right now.

Have him call her tomorrow or as soon as possible and make sure he says this. You aren’t going if she isn’t going to show a little kindness towards you and change the venue. Have him say that he doesn’t want you to go either because he cares about you and doesn’t want you to be sick.

You really need to sit your Fiancé down and have another serious talk with him about his mother.
This disrespect could very well continue well past the wedding. It needs to be controlled and stopped.

You should also put your foot down with her too…and have your husband back you up.

My MIL isn’t crass or abrasive. However, she did do one thing that made me seriously angry and I told her as much.
She was making plans for her aunt’s 87th birthday and wanted to have cake and ice cream at our house. That’s fine.
Then I find out that her cousin (aunt’s son) is taking a bunch of people to a big birthday dinner at a restaurant down the street from our house.
My daughter was really young at that point (4 months) and was having a rough time teething. I wasn’t feeling good that day either and opted to stay home.
MIL wanted to invite some more people to our house.
She was extremely vague about all the details…who was coming and what time.

My husband told me he had her under control and didn’t think anyone would want to come.
She has a way of guilt tripping people and/or insisting people do things for her.

She convinced about 15 people to show up unannounced, at the last minute, to my house. I went from maybe expecting 3 people to having my house swarmed. I knew 4 out of the 15 that invaded my house.

I handed the crying baby to my husband and pulled her aside and had some very choice words with her. This was not okay. You do not take it upon yourself to invite people over my house unannounced.
If I don’t know about it…it’s not okay until she asks me if it’s okay.

I also had some words with my husband because he never called me or texted me to let me know what was going on.
He was truthful when he said he kind of wanted this to happen so I could actually say something to her.
He had been having so many talks with her about boundaries he was afraid it was just landing on deaf ears at this point.
It took an exhausted new mom, who normally is very nice and non-confrontational, to let her know how wrong she was and this was never to happen again…ever.

Maybe you need to make a statement and say something…to her and no one else…that this idea was not a good one and you are not being a “baby” and will not tolerate this kind of disrespect.
Do it exactly once and make sure your husband is on your page.

 

[Allegra]

I assume I’m just stuck going, despite the headaches. When my FH said to her, “Mom she gets migraines being in places with lots of flour, like bakeries.” she said, “Tell her to take some excedrin and quit being a baby.”

Oh, for pity’s sake. Did you explain to your future MIL before the invitations went out that you are allergic to flour and a pizza place will make you sick? If you did, then it is her responsibility to call the guests that RSVP’d and tell them that the party has been relocated. It’s a simple as that. Does she think this is the first time a party has had to move to another place for one reason or another? I just sang at a wedding where the whole reception had to be relocated because the place they were having it lost electricity!

Tell your MIL to take an excedrin and start making phone calls. She’s the one who caused the problem in the first place.

 

[Lorelei12]

I assume I’m just stuck going, despite the headaches. When my FH said to her, “Mom she gets migraines being in places with lots of flour, like bakeries.” she said, “Tell her to take some excedrin and quit being a baby.”

Wow, she is way off here. I suffer from migraines too, and no way would I be putting myself at any more risk than normal of getting one, especially if I were already stressed out from all the wedding stuff.

She should be calling everyone to either tell people the location has been moved, or that the whole thing is off. It doesn’t sound like she is going to be willing to do that, though, so I really hope that your fiancé can go to bat for you. If she won’t do it, he and your MOH should come up with an alternate location, sit down with the guest list, and call everyone to let them know there has been a change of plans.

Your future mother in law has clearly demonstrated that this is about her, not you. There is no excuse for her behavior, and the name-calling is completely inappropriate. Your fiancé needs to start telling his mother how things are going to be, because unless he can become comfortable doing that this is going to be the rest of your life.

 

[Sarabande]

Oh, for pity’s sake. Did you explain to your future MIL before the invitations went out that you are allergic to flour and a pizza place will make you sick? If you did, then it is her responsibility to call the guests that RSVP’d and tell them that the party has been relocated. It’s a simple as that. Does she think this is the first time a party has had to move to another place for one reason or another? I just sang at a wedding where the whole reception had to be relocated because the place they were having it lost electricity!

Tell your MIL to take an excedrin and start making phone calls. She’s the one who caused the problem in the first place.

Her fiance really needs to put his foot down about this. She isn’t even supposed to know about where it’s supposed to be, when it’s supposed to happen, etc. because it was a surprise. I believe she mentioned that her MOH told her. Another person who should probably step up to the plate is the MOH, since she is involved with the planning and will probably put money towards the shower. Perhaps drive home that she could potentially end up in the hospital if she is in a place like that for too long.

 

[mandajane]

Hey.

I talked to my FH last night about it, and my MOH. The MOH assisted with the planning, but didn’t call to make the actual reservations. She gave my FMIL a list of a few of my favorite restaurants and all the information on booking there (like prices, how much space was available, that kind of thing). My FMIL took it upon herself to choose her favorite pizza place because it was cheaper and closer to her house than my MOH’s list, which was mostly chiaroscuros and fondue places.

My FH is going over to his mother’s after he gets off work to talk with her, and my MOH is calling her today. My FH is also getting his dad (my doctor) into the loop now, because he knows I have a gluten allergy, and how bad it can get.

My FH is still learning how to stand up to his mother. I’ve ranted before about the way she treats him, and a large part of her dislike of me stems from the fact that he’s not kowtowing to her every whim any longer. He has been getting better and better about standing up for himself, and me, so I’m not one to judge if he slips up now and again, so long as he makes strides to fix it (which he does).

And yeah, the thing is supposed to be a surprise for me, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep the fact that I know about it a secret much longer.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hey.

I talked to my FH last night about it, and my MOH. The MOH assisted with the planning, but didn’t call to make the actual reservations. She gave my FMIL a list of a few of my favorite restaurants and all the information on booking there (like prices, how much space was available, that kind of thing). My FMIL took it upon herself to choose her favorite pizza place because it was cheaper and closer to her house than my MOH’s list, which was mostly chiaroscuros and fondue places.

My FH is going over to his mother’s after he gets off work to talk with her, and my MOH is calling her today. My FH is also getting his dad (my doctor) into the loop now, because he knows I have a gluten allergy, and how bad it can get.

My FH is still learning how to stand up to his mother. I’ve ranted before about the way she treats him, and a large part of her dislike of me stems from the fact that he’s not kowtowing to her every whim any longer. He has been getting better and better about standing up for himself, and me, so I’m not one to judge if he slips up now and again, so long as he makes strides to fix it (which he does).

And yeah, the thing is supposed to be a surprise for me, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep the fact that I know about it a secret much longer.

Your future FIL is your doctor? Oh, heavens, why didn’t you say so? Yes, he’s the one to enlist to stop this madness. He will put his foot down on this whole thing. He will certainly ensure that you don’t have to attend, if nothing else, and will protect your reputation when he does it!

It is good to avoid all “ranting” towards your FH about the way he relates to his mother, as frustrating as that pattern of behavior might be. As you know, he doesn’t need that. Encourage him to stand up for himself, instead. Be positive and supportive through the difficulty of it. Congratulate him when he makes gains, even small ones. You’re on his side, a total paradigm change from his mom, not a replacement of the “dictator” persona, after all!

Do not worry that you found out about the “surprise”. It is a good thing that somebody tipped you off, whoever it was. This was a bad idea, and it needed to be stopped!

 

[Allegra]

Whoever tells the MIL probably ought to go with a list of reasonably priced restaurant alternatives. I don’t think anyone can blame MIL is she can’t afford to treat all the female friends and relations to fondue. I don’t even know what chiaroscuros is! Is there are winery nearby? Those are usually nice for that kind of thing and you can often bring whatever food you want.

 

[mandajane]

Yeah, I’ve been trying to get him involved for a bit, but my FH is loathe to do so as his parents have always taught them not to play them against each other. He was hoping his mother would see sense with just a conversation, but since she didn’t, he’s calling his dad into it to talk to her.

I’m just worried that he’ll give me an antihistamine and tell me to show up late and leave early, just to preserve peace in his marriage.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah, I’ve been trying to get him involved for a bit, but my FH is loathe to do so as his parents have always taught them not to play them against each other. He was hoping his mother would see sense with just a conversation, but since she didn’t, he’s calling his dad into it to talk to her.

I’m just worried that he’ll give me an antihistamine and tell me to show up late and leave early, just to preserve peace in his marriage.

I don’t think he’ll do that. If he does, ask him if that is the same advice he’d give any other patient. And, if you like, ask him if he couldn’t just “write you a medical excuse,” instead of sending you in to suffer so that no one has to go to bat on your behalf against his wife’s bad judgment. I think it unlikely you’ll have to do that, though. I think he’ll tell his wife that if she goes ahead with her party, she’s going to have to have it without you, “on doctor’s orders”. She can cope with the fallout from that herself.

Hang in there. Your FH is willing to learn to stand on his own two feet, and that is over half the battle. As he does that, he’ll start to appreciate that this is how it ought to be, and he’ll do it more…with a few missteps, under-reaches and over-reaches along the way. Support him through it all!

 

[Kelfa28]

Yeah, I’ve been trying to get him involved for a bit, but my FH is loathe to do so as his parents have always taught them not to play them against each other. He was hoping his mother would see sense with just a conversation, but since she didn’t, he’s calling his dad into it to talk to her.

I’m just worried that he’ll give me an antihistamine and tell me to show up late and leave early, just to preserve peace in his marriage.

Food allergies are not the same as environmental allergies.

Your body reacts differently…and more violently towards a food allergy. This is why schools need to be peanut-free environments. You can become seriously ill just by breathing in peanut particles. I imagine it’s the same with gluten allergies.

Even environmental allergies can be very serious. My allergist would never recommend I spend any time in an environment that has too much mold or an animal or two.

If you’re FFIL is any kind of a good…or just a competent doctor…I highly doubt he’d recommend this route. It would be on him if you got seriously ill under his advisement.

 

[mandajane]

Whoever tells the MIL probably ought to go with a list of reasonably priced restaurant alternatives. I don’t think anyone can blame MIL is she can’t afford to treat all the female friends and relations to fondue. I don’t even know what chiaroscuros is! Is there are winery nearby? Those are usually nice for that kind of thing and you can often bring whatever food you want.

Just noticed this comment - I live in Chicago, and while there are wineries, most of them are VERY expensive to go to. Also, a large contingent of my FH’s family does not drink, because they either are alcoholics themselves, or are related to an alcoholic and worry about becoming one.

A chairoscuro is like a buffet, but where they bring some of the dishes to your table. Generally they have a salad bar with other vegetables, then someone comes around and brings meat dishes to your table and slices some off for you there. They range in price.

The bigger issue is, in Chicago, it’s hard to find somewhere I can go out to eat. most places have gluten-based foods in every dish. I should also mention that I was not involved in the planning process at all until my MOH came to me about the pizza place.

Apparently, my FH had said that she should just have a potluck dinner at her house (since she has a huge sitting room).

 

[Sarabande]

I don’t think he’ll do that. If he does, ask him if that is the same advice he’d give any other patient. And, if you like, ask him if he couldn’t just “write you a medical excuse,” instead of sending you in to suffer so that no one has to go to bat on your behalf against his wife’s bad judgment. I think it unlikely you’ll have to do that, though. I think he’ll tell his wife that if she goes ahead with her party, she’s going to have to have it without you, “on doctor’s orders”. She can cope with the fallout from that herself.

Hang in there. Your FH is willing to learn to stand on his own two feet, and that is over half the battle. As he does that, he’ll start to appreciate that this is how it ought to be, and he’ll do it more…with a few missteps, under-reaches and over-reaches along the way. Support him through it all!

I agree with this. Because your FFIL is also your doctor, he will know how to handle this. My father is a doctor and he has had to do similar things in the family. For instance, my brother would get debilitating migraines from chocolate and peanut butter when be was a child (he has since grown out of the allergy) and there were people who insisted on giving him these sweets because they felt sorry for him.

I can understand how your fiance is feeling. I have a very strong mother. It’s a great attribute and that strength really adds to her giving and caring personality. It was also great keeping us in order and not getting into too much trouble as kids. But during that transition from childhood to adulthood, she had a difficult time letting go and I basically had to have a serious heart-to-heart with her, which brought our mother-daughter relationship to a new and better level. It sounds like your fiance is going through that now. He’ll get through and so will you. I do think, though, that you leave this up to your fiance, his dad and your moh. You’ll have a good triumvirate of advocates for you. Hugs.

 

[Allegra]

Just noticed this comment - I live in Chicago, and while there are wineries, most of them are VERY expensive to go to. Also, a large contingent of my FH’s family does not drink, because they either are alcoholics themselves, or are related to an alcoholic and worry about becoming one.

A chairoscuro is like a buffet, but where they bring some of the dishes to your table. Generally they have a salad bar with other vegetables, then someone comes around and brings meat dishes to your table and slices some off for you there. They range in price.

The bigger issue is, in Chicago, it’s hard to find somewhere I can go out to eat. most places have gluten-based foods in every dish. I should also mention that I was not involved in the planning process at all until my MOH came to me about the pizza place.

Apparently, my FH had said that she should just have a potluck dinner at her house (since she has a huge sitting room).

Potluck dinner sounds like a good plan. While other restaurants may not have the wide variety of foods you can eat, they would probably at least have something you can eat and you wouldn’t get sick just walking in the door.

Now I know what a chairoscuro is. We have them here too and they are definately way too expensive for most people to hold a bridal shower at. I think a small portion of the blame for this problem might fall on your MOH, given the fact that it sounds like she didn’t give your MIL many reasonable options to go from.

Around here, a winery basically comes to a vinyard with a wine store in it. You can bring a whole mess of people and picnic at their tables for free. Some of them have restaurants or cafes as well, which makes them good, cheap places for bridal showers. The only downside is that it could rain. Since you live in Chicago, a winery is probably more like a cafe with house wines.

Hopefully your MIL will get it sorted out.

 

[McMcMe]

Good for your FH for helping you out with this. This is a MUCH better and healthier solution than the proposed boycottt.