Extremely complicated family discord

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jmj777

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Long story short: I grew up with parents that never got along in a very dysfunctional family. My dad has been the manipulative, vindictive, spiteful, and sharp-tongued instigator who has verbally and emotionally abused mostly my mother and my youngest brother, who is now an adult. My dad has stated numerously that my brother is a piece of **** among many other cruel and vicious insults. My other younger brother and I moved out of the house and have not continued to incur the verbal assaults, although it was never as bad as my mother and youngest brother.

I know how dysfunctional my family has been, but have since become a neutral party. I have a family of my own and now have a relationship with my father as I believe I need to show him respect as per the 4th commandment. We have grown closer and he has made me executor of his will, life insurance beneficiary, and joint account holder on a checking account with a substantial amount of money. As executor he has ordered me NOT to give any money to my youngest brother and my mother (which is his wife).

Please note: I have no animosity towards my mother or brothers.

Recently, speaking to my mother, she confided in me that my youngest brother has such resentment towards me as he said over 20 years ago my father had said I revealed something about youngest brother that made my father practically disown him. When he was younger, my dad doted on my youngest brother and gave him the royal treatment. However, according to my brother, my dad “dethroned” him after I supposedly revealed to my father something negative about him. (I HAVE REVEALED NOTHING TO MY FATHER ABOUT ANYTHING).

I’m truly saddened as my father has created such discord in our family as he has pit my youngest brother against me when I have never revealed anything to my dad about my brother. My brother practically despises me.

My youngest brother verbally and emotionally abuses my mother and she doesn’t want me to reveal that she told me. (She also made me promise not to even reveal this to my husband). She advised to try to open a door and ask if I have ever done anything to hurt him – in the hopes that he will open up and reveal his bitter resentment towards me for what he believes I have done.

Now my mother tells me that I should divvy up the inheritance EVENLY among the siblings despite my dad’s orders. I told her this was placed in my lap and I did not ask to be the executor. I agreed to it with my dad, as I know he would have taken great offense if I declined and probably would be disowned and marked as a “traitor” as he views my mother and brother.

Rundown of my father: CONS – has untreated PTSD; hyper-critical of others; will chop off his nose to spite his face; giveth and then taketh away in order to be spiteful; can be two-faced; sees others as beneath him. PROS – generous with his money towards some people; hard worker; loves and spoils his grandchildren; has never asked for a handout.

How do I remedy this? Do I go against my father’s wishes even though I know them to be unfair and unjust? Should I rescind my acceptance of being executor and risk being disowned?

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
I certainly wouldn’t accept any more “confidences” such as your mother’s; this kind of dysfunction thrives when people whisper to each other and create pain and resentment.

It sounds as if your mother and father are divorced, without common ownership of their assets. If so, your mother has no right to interfere with your father’s testamentary wishes. If they are still married, the situation is different; I personally would not agree to be the executor of a will that cuts out the spouse.

I think you should NOT recuse yourself from being executor simply because your mother disapproves of your father’s will. I do not doubt that she has suffered greatly, but she should not be trying to control the actions of her adult child–nor be placing you in the center of her conflict with your father.

If you believe that your father’s will is wrong and unjust, I don’t think it would be right to agree to be its executor. You would suffer, but be doing the right thing. However, it kind of sounds as if you didn’t think that your dad’s will was immoral before your mother put a bug in your ear. if that is the case, then I see no reason for you not to carry put your father’s wishes.
 
Why would you have agreed to be the executor of a will for a father who has a history of being abusive and manipulative? Were you looking for some kind of acceptance or validation from him? Sorry, but it sounds more like you are trying to be his buddy despite how he has treated you and your family. Frankly, I don’t blame the rest of your family for feeling hurt.

More importantly, are your parents married? If they are, why would you have agreed to be part of a will that intentionally leaves your mother out? What about her home? This has complicated legal implications.

I had a father much like yours and I was happy to be rid of him when I moved out. I never would have dreamed having anything to do with him financially or otherwise. When he died, he left everything to my mother and my sisters still sued her for their “share”.
 
During one of his “cut off nose to spite his face” episodes – he removed his name from the deed of the house and left it only in my mother’s name. He wanted to prove that he wasn’t misusing his money by giving it to help his siblings. So my mother has the house in her name.

She wouldn’t be left penniless. However, my youngest brother, will receive a substantially small amount of inheritance compared to my other brother and me.

I agreed to being executor as he’s still my father and I love him very much. I believe he is paranoid as he has held that my mother and brother were against him. I didn’t want him to feel alone and I have chosen to forgive him for how he’s been with me and not continue with the negativity.

Yes, they are still married, but live more like married singles.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
jmj777 said:
During one of his “cut off nose to spite his face” episodes – he removed his name from the deed of the house and left it only in my mother’s name. He wanted to prove that he wasn’t misusing his money by giving it to help his siblings. So my mother has the house in her name.

She wouldn’t be left penniless. However, my youngest brother, will receive a substantially small amount of inheritance compared to my other brother and me.

Yes, they are still married, but live more like married singles.

Peace.

+JMJ+
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And you somehow think this is a good idea to be a part of?

Your brothers will be around much longer than your father and it sounds like all of you have suffered emotional damage at the hands of your father. Forgive, sure, or it will devour you, but why would you hurt your brother for your father?
 
PhiloMed said:
Why would you have agreed to be the executor of a will for a father who has a history of being abusive and manipulative? Were you looking for some kind of acceptance or validation from him? Sorry, but it sounds more like you are trying to be his buddy despite how he has treated you and your family. Frankly, I don’t blame the rest of your family for feeling hurt.

More importantly, are your parents married? If they are, why would you have agreed to be part of a will that intentionally leaves your mother out? What about her home? This has complicated legal implications.

I had a father much like yours and I was happy to be rid of him when I moved out. I never would have dreamed having anything to do with him financially or otherwise. When he died, he left everything to my mother and my sisters still sued her for their “share”.
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Yes. I recommend you stop being the executor in this situation. Forgiving someone doesn’t equal ‘I have to do this otherwise he will be abusive to me again’. It’s a toxic situation, and your father is better off finding someone else who will happily be the executor.

Lou
 
PhiloMed said:
And you somehow think this is a good idea to be a part of?
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As I stated earlier, “I agreed to being executor as he’s still my father and I love him very much. I believe he is paranoid as he has held that my mother and brother were against him. I didn’t want him to feel alone and I have chosen to forgive him for how he’s been with me and not continue with the negativity.”

We are still a family, despite the dysfunction.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
jmj777 said:
As I stated earlier, “I agreed to being executor as he’s still my father and I love him very much. I believe he is paranoid as he has held that my mother and brother were against him. I didn’t want him to feel alone and I have chosen to forgive him for how he’s been with me and not continue with the negativity.”

We are still a family, despite the dysfunction.

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
Forgiveness is fine, it doesn’t mean you need to be Daddy’s princess at the expense of the rest of your family.

The psychological damage clearly still runs deep with you.
 
I agree, our family dynamics have been very toxic. I just don’t want to choose between my parents. I reasoned with myself to being the executor because my parents’ house is under my mother’s name, so it belongs to her.

She did recently state that she was hurt that he had made me the executor and whatever she has will be evenly divided among the kids. In the past, she has also stated that I will be in charge of her estate.

My mother said she didn’t hold it against me as she knows he was doing it to be manipulative and put everyone under his control.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
jmj777 said:
I agree, our family dynamics have been very toxic. I just don’t want to choose between my parents. I reasoned with myself to being the executor because my parents’ house is under my mother’s name, so it belongs to her.

She did recently state that she was hurt that he had made me the executor and whatever she has will be evenly divided among the kids. In the past, she has also stated that I will be in charge of her estate.

My mother said she didn’t hold it against me as she knows he was doing it to be manipulative and put everyone under his control.

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
maybe suggest to your father that a trusted attorney could be the executor of the will. You can tell him that because of your family obligations you wouldn’t be able to handle the emotional toll this would potentially take on you at a stressful time.

The executor of the will does not write the will, but if your father shows favoritism toward you then the rest of your family who is still suffering from his abuse will understandably feel betrayed.
 
PhiloMed said:
maybe suggest to your father that a trusted attorney could be the executor of the will. You can tell him that because of your family obligations you wouldn’t be able to handle the emotional toll this would potentially take on you at a stressful time.

The executor of the will does not write the will, but if your father shows favoritism toward you then the rest of your family who is still suffering from his abuse will understandably feel betrayed.
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Yes, I think this is solid advice. If you want to try and heal the rift in your family, getting someone else to be the executor would be better. It also means your dad can’t manipulate you or use you as a way to score points against your mother or brother by being the “loyal” one.

Lou
 
jmj777 said:
During one of his “cut off nose to spite his face” episodes – he removed his name from the deed of the house and left it only in my mother’s name. He wanted to prove that he wasn’t misusing his money by giving it to help his siblings. So my mother has the house in her name.

She wouldn’t be left penniless. However, my youngest brother, will receive a substantially small amount of inheritance compared to my other brother and me.

I agreed to being executor as he’s still my father and I love him very much. I believe he is paranoid as he has held that my mother and brother were against him. I didn’t want him to feel alone and I have chosen to forgive him for how he’s been with me and not continue with the negativity.

Yes, they are still married, but live more like married singles.

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
I’m no lawyer but if they are still married I don’t see how he can leave her with nothing unless they had a prenuptial agreement. You might want to check with the lawyer that made you the executor of the will and ask him or her what your responsibilities will be and how you would proceed upon his death.
 
The executor does not decide how the estate is divided. The will determines that. The executor executes those wishes.

Once the estate is settled as instructed in the will, you may do whatever you want with your portion-- redistribute it to others, keep it, give it away.

I wouldn’t be concerned with being executor, if that is what I believed to be the best course of action, because the executor is not deciding who gets what. I would ignore my mother’s plea to set aside the will, because that is illegal.

I would not tell my mother or my siblings my business anymore, because frankly your entire family is in the business of manipulating each other. Nor would I go asking my sibling if I ‘did anything’ either, for the same reason-- your brother and mother are both manipulating you in that scenario.

Keep your business and your father’s business to yourself. As executor you may be privy to details that others are not-- it isn’t their business.
 
jmj777 said:
Long story short: I grew up with parents that never got along in a very dysfunctional family. My dad has been the manipulative, vindictive, spiteful, and sharp-tongued instigator who has verbally and emotionally abused mostly my mother and my youngest brother, who is now an adult. My dad has stated numerously that my brother is a piece of **** among many other cruel and vicious insults. My other younger brother and I moved out of the house and have not continued to incur the verbal assaults, although it was never as bad as my mother and youngest brother.

I know how dysfunctional my family has been, but have since become a neutral party. I have a family of my own and now have a relationship with my father as I believe I need to show him respect as per the 4th commandment. We have grown closer and he has made me executor of his will, life insurance beneficiary, and joint account holder on a checking account with a substantial amount of money. As executor he has ordered me NOT to give any money to my youngest brother and my mother (which is his wife).

Please note: I have no animosity towards my mother or brothers.

Recently, speaking to my mother, she confided in me that my youngest brother has such resentment towards me as he said over 20 years ago my father had said I revealed something about youngest brother that made my father practically disown him. When he was younger, my dad doted on my youngest brother and gave him the royal treatment. However, according to my brother, my dad “dethroned” him after I supposedly revealed to my father something negative about him. (I HAVE REVEALED NOTHING TO MY FATHER ABOUT ANYTHING).

I’m truly saddened as my father has created such discord in our family as he has pit my youngest brother against me when I have never revealed anything to my dad about my brother. My brother practically despises me.

My youngest brother verbally and emotionally abuses my mother and she doesn’t want me to reveal that she told me. (She also made me promise not to even reveal this to my husband). She advised to try to open a door and ask if I have ever done anything to hurt him – in the hopes that he will open up and reveal his bitter resentment towards me for what he believes I have done.

Now my mother tells me that I should divvy up the inheritance EVENLY among the siblings despite my dad’s orders. I told her this was placed in my lap and I did not ask to be the executor. I agreed to it with my dad, as I know he would have taken great offense if I declined and probably would be disowned and marked as a “traitor” as he views my mother and brother.

Rundown of my father: CONS – has untreated PTSD; hyper-critical of others; will chop off his nose to spite his face; giveth and then taketh away in order to be spiteful; can be two-faced; sees others as beneath him. PROS – generous with his money towards some people; hard worker; loves and spoils his grandchildren; has never asked for a handout.

How do I remedy this? Do I go against my father’s wishes even though I know them to be unfair and unjust? Should I rescind my acceptance of being executor and risk being disowned?

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
Yep.

The price of admission for having a relationship with your father seems to be destroying your relationships with other members of your family.

I think it’s time for you and your brother to have a chat and figure out what dad has been telling each of you about the other. I think there are going to be some surprises.
 
MT1926 said:
I’m no lawyer but if they are still married I don’t see how he can leave her with nothing unless they had a prenuptial agreement. You might want to check with the lawyer that made you the executor of the will and ask him or her what your responsibilities will be and how you would proceed upon his death.
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Right.
 
MT1926 said:
I’m no lawyer but if they are still married I don’t see how he can leave her with nothing unless they had a prenuptial agreement. You might want to check with the lawyer that made you the executor of the will and ask him or her what your responsibilities will be and how you would proceed upon his death.
Click to expand...
It is a question for an attorney, definitely, but some of that depends on whether or not it’s a community property state and even in a community property state it is possible to have separate property.

I personally would not want to be the executor in such a situation, but if I was I would keep confidential business to myself and not talk about it with anyone, nor would I do anything contrary to the instructions in the will or trust.
 
Turn it over to an attorney. Your father could have done exactly that, but intended to continue the bad feeling in the family and are going along with the program. You have been discussing it with your mother when you really should have been discrete. It makes me almost think you like the power play in the family dynamics. If you do not stay mum wait until the time comes and do what you know is right, not what mental illness of a parent dictates.
 
Xantippe said:
Yep.

The price of admission for having a relationship with your father seems to be destroying your relationships with other members of your family.

I think it’s time for you and your brother to have a chat and figure out what dad has been telling each of you about the other. I think there are going to be some surprises.
Click to expand...
Exactly. You didn’t write the will. None of this was your idea, but none of that will matter when it comes to a family member who has suffered abuse and then feels hurt one more time after your father dies. I didn’t get closure on how I was treated until my father died. I was glad he was gone. I didn’t want any money, but my sisters did and even though there was no legal basis for them to contest the will there was still almost a year of drawn out legal proceedings until my mother just decided on her own to divvy everything up evenly and just keep the house for herself.

You are also the beneficiary on his life insurance? There seem to be multiple ways in which your family may feel that you are favorited and they just suffered and get nothing.
 
PhiloMed said:
Exactly. You didn’t write the will. None of this was your idea, but none of that will matter when it comes to a family member who has suffered abuse and then feels hurt one more time after your father dies. I didn’t get closure on how I was treated until my father died. I was glad he was gone. I didn’t want any money, but my sisters did and even though there was no legal basis for them to contest the will there was still almost a year of drawn out legal proceedings until my mother just decided on her own to divvy everything up evenly and just keep the house for herself.

You are also the beneficiary on his life insurance? There seem to be multiple ways in which your family may feel that you are favorited and they just suffered and get nothing.
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There’s also the awful risk that the OP’s father’s will is so one-sided that the left-out sibling will fight it out in court.
 
Dacinom said:
I know the part about promising not to tell your husband isn’t the crux of your question, however it just leapt of the screen at me. Anyone asking me to keep a secret from my husband is flat-out told NO. This is inappropriate, husbands and wives do not, and should not keep secrets from each other, you are ONE FLESH this is extremely sad I am sorry that your mother put you in this position.
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That’s a very good point.
 
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