Facebook Flirting Woes

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momtojeam

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My marriage has hit some rocky terrain, and I would like some advice. A couple months ago I caught my husband flirting on Facebook with an old college friend (they never had a relationship, however they were always kind of flirty around each other, and I remember that she always had a big crush on him).

My husband was out of town for the weekend for business (a visit to his boss’s house… so he was not alone), he and I were chatting on Facebook and, as I later found out, he was also chatting with this other woman. The conversation had been deleted so that I wouldn’t see, but he missed a piece. After my husband had signed off, she messaged his that she too “had to go, it was nice catching up, good to hear that your family is well, I miss you”. He responded, “I miss you too, come visit tonight!”.

I was crushed when I read this. I was trembling but went right upstairs and confronted him about the conversation. Now my husband is very loyal, and I would never think that he would actually have an affair. But I warned him that affairs can and do happen if you are not careful to guard your heart. He apologized excessively, and said that he deleted it because he knew that I would be upset if I had seen him talking to her. He acknowledged that he was just being a “knucklehead” and that he wasn’t seriously asking her to come over… just flirting (she lives far away anyway). He doesn’t regularly use Facebook, and has since said that he has not messaged anyone, and I believe him.

So here I am two months later, it hasn’t come up much (only a few times during arguments), and I think he feels that I have moved on. However, it still haunts me from time to time. I feel like I have forgiven him; I am not angry, but I still feel sad and suspicious when I think about it. I find that sometimes I dwell on the words, and when I do I feel a compulsion to snoop… I guess I am a bit paranoid. I don’t expect to find anything, because I feel that A) he has actually stopped the behavior or B) he would now be doing a better job of covering his tracks. Something brought it to my mind yesterday, and I was pretty down the whole day. Last night I had a dream/nightmare that I had caught him flirting on Facebook and when I confronted him, he told me that he had been sleeping with other women… I woke up crying. Today I feel like my head is in a fog, I am not as productive as usual.

Meanwhile, my husband has had the nerve to pass judgment on me for noticing another man… we have had many blowout arguments about this:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=707118

Anyway, am I over-reacting? Has anyone ever been here? Any advice? Does my paranoia suggest that I have not fully forgiven him?

We have been married for 5 years and have 4 small children. I feel like the honeymoon period is officially over. My husband has said that he feels like I don’t love him passionately…. More of a mechanical/committed love (isn’t that what true love is?). I feel like we are a bit detached. We have both been making an effort over the past 6 months to make each other feel more loved. But at the end of the day, he is preoccupied with work (high stress) and I am busy with the kids, money is extremely tight, and life goes on. I have heard of the “5-year itch” in marriage. Do you think these issues are beyond normal? Or is this just a glimpse of ‘real’ married life.

PS – I have always felt that Facebook is the devil! Beware!
 
Momto,

I have read your post about you husbands friend and your attraction. My opinion is that you BOTH need to spend more time together and talk more. There is something that you both seem to be missing.

Your husbands reaction could be from the hurt he feels from your reaction to his friend, who should not be staying with you both.

Also when you both talk be honest and remember that if it is something that you would not do with your spouse in the same room with you - then you should not be doing it.

You with your husbands friend or him with his facebook friend - things happen and some people do not care if someone is married they just look for a chance to take advantage of someone when they are down or feeling low.

So again spend more time together - and less with the artificial electronic talk.

I pray that God grants you both peace and happiness together.

Winter
 
It sounds like you had total trust in him and now you just need to work on building that trust again which is something that will take time and not happen overnight. While you can forgive someone often there is also the problem of forgetting the issue and that comes with trust. You’re still working on the trust so that will take time too. You both sound over worked and over stressed. 4 kids take a lot of time and energy. I don’t know his field of work but depending on what that is that may take a lot of time and energy too. Maybe you both just have to stepback and either prioritize for more time or fine a sitter and give yourselves a date night for just the two of you maybe one a week…once a month…whenever you can both carve out time. Anyway that’s what I would do. I would get counseling too.
 
Should I feel guilty about checking-in on him from time to time? Is this something that you would do?
 
momtojeam said:
Now my husband is very loyal, and I would never think that he would actually have an affair.
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Make no mistake about it – evil loves nothing more than to break up good solid sacramental marriages. You and your husband are an ever flowing fount of grace, and Satan hates that. Be very mindful that when you start your mind wandering on things that probably aren’t true, you need to pray for strength and wisdom. Pray to love your husband more every day. And he needs to do the same from his end. Don’t let Satan mess with your mind - or your marriage.
I feel like the honeymoon period is officially over. My husband has said that he feels like I don’t love him passionately…. More of a mechanical/committed love (isn’t that what true love is?).
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Love is not attraction - love is sacrifice (just look at the cross - now THAT’s love!). God gives us that “honeymoon feeling” to bring us together and to start that bond of husband and wife. Then we get married, and the sacrament provides us with grace beyond all imagining. While some still keep that “honeymoon feeling”, and that’s fine, not everyone does, and that’s fine too!!! It does not mean that anything is broken if you don’t have it!! It only means you are growing into a different phase of marriage - more comfortable, more trusting (should be), and more understanding of each other. The sacrifice of marriage is something spouses live every day - family responsibilities, children, work, finances - we sacrifice to be together, because in most cases it would probably be a lot easier to be single!! But we know that sacrifice is worth it, and THAT is love.

So – all that being said – tell your husband that you need to pray more together, turn off the tv and other devices (especially the computer), spend time as a family, or if you can manage it, a date night. My husband and I have “Blackout Sundays” where we turn off electronic devices and TVs, and spend time doing silly things like working a puzzle together, or even playing UNO or Scrabble, or working on hobbies. No interruptions from the outside world – it has made a huge difference for us in terms of our closeness and communication with each other.

I hope this turns out well for you - I do know personally (from another relationship) that pit of the stomach feeling when you think someone is cheating. Don’t let that take over your life if you really feel it’s unfounded - and it sounds like it is.

God bless!
~Liza
 
momtojeam said:
Anyway, am I over-reacting? Has anyone ever been here? Any advice? Does my paranoia suggest that I have not fully forgiven him?
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You should forgive your husband, but that does not mean you should tolerate bad behavior. What he did was disrespectful.
We have been married for 5 years and have 4 small children. I feel like the honeymoon period is officially over. My husband has said that he feels like I don’t love him passionately…. More of a mechanical/committed love (isn’t that what true love is?). I feel like we are a bit detached. We have both been making an effort over the past 6 months to make each other feel more loved. But at the end of the day, he is preoccupied with work (high stress) and I am busy with the kids, money is extremely tight, and life goes on. I have heard of the “5-year itch” in marriage. Do you think these issues are beyond normal? Or is this just a glimpse of ‘real’ married life.
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Issues in marriage area very normal. Going from being to single to having 4 kids in 5 years is an incredibly dramatic, almost shocking, change of lifestyle. Some people have great difficulty dealing with the change. What makes marriages last and the bond between husband and wife grow is how they handle the changes. Both spouses must sacrifice, but hopefully does it in a positive way, realizing it is for the benefit of their spouse and children.
PS – I have always felt that Facebook is the devil! Beware!
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Nahhhh…Sure, people certainly can abuse it and create havoc in their lives. But for people like myself that have various hobbies, it is a lifesaver. For example, if there is an event, what used to be a few hours worth of phone calls is now handled in the click of a button.

As far as FB for married people go, I think spouses should have access to each others accounts.
 
Don’t take this the wrong way, but in my experience and the experiences of others that I have known, when you feel like something is going on, something usually IS going on. If you truly do not feel like your husband is being unfaithful then leave it in the past and actively take time to do things to make the marriage stronger. But if you have a nagging feeling that there is something going on behind your back, then take the necessary steps to get the truth put in the open and protect yourself and your children. The truth is always better than a lie. As to what steps you can take, I will leave that to you to investigate. I truly hope that things work out for your family and I will say a prayer for you.
 
Sounds to me like she might be clueless that it’s an issue. Your husband may think he can handle this friendship, but needs to remember that emotional affairs can happen.
 
I consider facebook a virtual bar. Has he deleted and blocked her from facebook? People who are married shouldn’t act like they are single. If one isn’t doing anything wrong then they wouldn’t have to hide their words and actions from their spouse
 
ValPal said:
As far as FB for married people go, I think spouses should have access to each others accounts.
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My friend and her husband have a shared FB account. It’s [his first name] [her first name] [their last name].

It’s an option… I think the united front discourages inappropriate contact from old flames.
 
daisybee said:
My friend and her husband have a shared FB account. It’s [his first name] [her first name] [their last name].

It’s an option… I think the united front discourages inappropriate contact from old flames.
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It also stops them from adding friends of friends and starting an inappropriate on-line relationship.
 
momtojeam said:
Should I feel guilty about checking-in on him from time to time? Is this something that you would do?
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No, I would not do it. You will drive yourself crazy that way.

I might get jumped on for this, but if it had been me, I would not have told my husband that I had a sexual thought about his friend. I would not even say I was physically attracted. If I had to go to confession for lying, I would, and then I would get rid of the friend in the nicest way possible. It sounds as if your husband is now playing games, flirting with the old GF, maybe to get you back, maybe to make himself feel good, but this cannot go on without causing more and more damage to your marriage.

It might be time to consider Retrouvaille. Something to draw you two together again and put you back on the same team. Do you have any family that can watch the kids while you take that time off with your husband?
 
TheRealJuliane said:
No, I would not do it. You will drive yourself crazy that way.

I might get jumped on for this, but if it had been me, I would not have told my husband that I had a sexual thought about his friend. I would not even say I was physically attracted. If I had to go to confession for lying, I would, and then I would get rid of the friend in the nicest way possible. It sounds as if your husband is now playing games, flirting with the old GF, maybe to get you back, maybe to make himself feel good, but this cannot go on without causing more and more damage to your marriage.

It might be time to consider Retrouvaille. Something to draw you two together again and put you back on the same team. Do you have any family that can watch the kids while you take that time off with your husband?
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I understand now that I probably shouldn’t have admitted it… but it is too late. I started off that way and after much prying and interrogating, I caved. Now it looks like I’m all over the place. I told him that I wish I had never told him, because it’s really not that big of a deal (I didn’t realize that he was going to go so nuts over it). He responds with “how am I supposed to get close to someone that is hiding things from me”. I am not a good liar, and my husband is super intuitive (psychologist)… but with this sort of thing, he takes it WAY too far :/. My husband recently talked to a priest, who told him he should not be questioning my conscience… but I know it is still torturing his head and we have fought about it a couple times since.

I will look into Retrouavaille… I think that may help us. Thanks!
 
momtojeam said:
I understand now that I probably shouldn’t have admitted it… but it is too late. I started off that way and after much prying and interrogating, I caved. Now it looks like I’m all over the place. I told him that I wish I had never told him, because it’s really not that big of a deal (I didn’t realize that he was going to go so nuts over it). He responds with “how am I supposed to get close to someone that is hiding things from me”. I am not a good liar, and my husband is super intuitive (psychologist)… but with this sort of thing, he takes it WAY too far :/. My husband recently talked to a priest, who told him he should not be questioning my conscience… but I know it is still torturing his head and we have fought about it a couple times since.

I will look into Retrouavaille… I think that may help us. Thanks!
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You are not the first wife who has made that mistake. And yes, it sounds as though your husband was interrogating, and pushing you for the answer he almost wanted to get out of you. What is his family background with infidelity, may I ask? You don’t have to say it here, but in case there is that family history, you would have a context for his doggedness about the subject. Also, some people are insecure, and seem to want evidence that their suspicions about others are really true, so will push and push until the other person gives up just to get them to stop with the questions. From what you’ve said on the other thread, it seems as though your husband might have been doing just that.

I have read a lot about adultery and heard from many people who say one of the worst things anyone can do is confess in detail to their spouse about what they have done. Not saying you’ve committed adultery!! Just that men, in particular, are VISUAL primarily and once we feed their imaginations, those pictures they see will be uppermost in their minds and will destroy their trust in a way that is quite final. They can’t erase the pictures they see of their wife in another man’s arms. Yet, for whatever reason, many men push and push until their wife gives out details that end up destroying the marriage for good.

Have you been able to get this friend of his out from under your roof yet? I think that will do a lot to heal your relationship, but you still may need extra help to tease out the issues that underlay this whole dynamic. His responses have been going in a direction that is not helpful to the marriage - first he prods you for a confession, then he starts flirting online, and hiding it. I wonder if he would be resistant to counseling or open to it, since he is a psychologist himself?

Keeping some things private is not “hiding things” from a spouse. Some things are just for the confessional. We do have this debate frequently on CAF, but I believe that no spouse needs to confess to the other spouse just for sake of “honesty.”
 
Facebook such a culprit in causing relationship/marriage trouble! Think you both need to set ground rules on what is appropriate and who to have as friends on the account. You ask him how he would feel if he discovered you were flirting with old college friends on there? I’m sure no hubby would want his wife flirting in the same way.

Forgive him and try to let go of the anger/hurt. And I’d avoid mentioning any attraction to any other men ever again, I think men are incredibly sensitive to any sort of inkling you may have had any attraction or thought another man was attractive - but we’re human, we cannot help but be attracted to others down the road.
You face many challenges with money, work, kids, etc. Spend quality time with your hubby, set aside time for just the 2 of you and rediscover those romantic, loving feelings again - even if you steal a night while kids are sleeping, surprise him, light the candles, give him a massage, tell him as he’s your hubby, he’s the only man you want and need. He should do the same for you as well - and learn to forgive you if you’ve had thoughts of other men. Love is not a feeling, it’s a conscious act. It’s sacrifice as most have said already.
 
Thanks so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I have turned the tables on him during our discussion… “how would you feel if I said that to a boy on Facebook” and even told him that I had ignored friend request from such men that I though he would make him feel uneasy about me talking to. I think at that point he recognized the damage and mentioned that he “would have been furious”. My husband has 300+ friends on Facebook, I have about 40… lol (I like it for sharing pictures). But he also turned this on me… since I didn’t press him much about it (just trying to let it go at this point). He commented briefly during one of our other arguments that my reaction suggested that I was indifferent (in regards to the I don’t love him passionately enough argument). In reality, I was very upset for two days and it still comes to haunt me from time to time… I tend to internalize.

Bottom line, I think we are both saying the same thing… I want him to put me first, and he wants to know that I care. We need to do better to show each other how we feel. The challenge will be doing this in the midst of 4 toddlers and a heavy work load.

My husband is not completely opposed to counseling… but he would rather not (he is well known in the industry) and we can’t afford a sitter. However, I may sign us up for Retrouvaille… thanks for the tip.

The friend has not been back… I am hoping that he will not be coming back… I know it will make things explode again… it would be extremely uncomfortable for me. I mentioned that I would rather he not stay with us anymore (which was not received well). But I am pretty sure that my husband has not said anything to him.

He does have some family background… father left when he was 2, mother had an abusive boyfriend, then married a great guy (that she is still with) when he was 11. His previous girlfriends have told him that he has trust issues, and a previous girlfriend from college also had a problem with the woman that he flirted with on Facebook (so it’s not just me).

Thanks to all for your time… It is good to vent, I feel like I have no one to go to with this stuff.
 
It’s rather amazing to me that your husband would even consider putting this friend of his back in your home! You have 4 toddlers! Even someone with NO “trust issues” would have to think twice before putting his friend’s need before his own family! It’s almost as if he wants to force you into a corner? Very odd. Maybe there is something inside him that wants you to prove your commitment.

Yeah, I missed my calling as a counselor myself.

:rolleyes:

😉
 
daisybee said:
My friend and her husband have a shared FB account. It’s [his first name] [her first name] [their last name].

It’s an option… I think the united front discourages inappropriate contact from old flames.
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This is what I was going to suggest. I know a lot of people do this. They have family accounts.
 
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